Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (17 page)

I want you to take one thing away from this small section of the book: I want you to be one of the good guys, so that life will be good to you. Don’t judge others, and don’t be a “hater.” By gossiping, labeling, and tearing people down, you waste precious time and energy, and you attract negativity. You’re creating a black hole that will suck in you and everything in your life.

Did you ever play a game called King of the Hill when you were a kid? One player climbs to the top of the hill, and all the other players try to knock him off by pushing or pulling at him. Everyone gets bruised up and bashed around. Even the person at the top can’t enjoy their stay there. Negativity blocks your ability to receive positive things. Stop wasting energy on fruitless endeavors of jealousy and envy. Isn’t that one of the seven deadly sins? Quit coming from a place of fear and lacking. Remember that there is abundance in the universe. Invite its flow, and add some action to create the outcome you desire. Instead of fighting, build your own castle at the top of your own hill!

Let’s look beyond the obvious reasons why we shouldn’t be petty and hurtful. All the great spiritual and psychological teachers talk about our oneness, which is ultimately why the laws of karma exist in some form in every belief system. What you do to others, you do to yourself. One of my favorite theories on this subject is Carl Jung’s notion of the collective unconscious. He thought this innate structure encompassed the universal thoughts of all humanity. If we could get deep enough into all of our minds, he believed, we’d get to a level of knowledge that we all share. It was a sort of “reservoir of the experiences of our species” made up of concepts like science, morality, and religion. He then got really out there and suggested that at an even deeper level, we all have the same mind. At our core, we’re not just identical, we’re the same being.

It’s heavy, I know. But in a way it’s comforting, and in my heart I believe it. We are all made up of the same matter and energy—we
just express it differently. I like to think of people as stained-glass windows: we’re all different and unique in our designs, colors, and themes, but the light that shines through your window is the same light that shines through mine. And even though the window can shatter, the energy that illuminates it is eternal.

I’m giving you a lot to chew on, but the bottom line is, you’ve got to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be open, accepting, and giving whenever possible, within your own healthy boundaries. When you are willing to give away the very thing you’re in search of, you keep abundance in circulation in all our lives. If it is money you want, be generous. If it’s love and support, be loving and encouraging toward others. Whatever it is you want, if you generate it and get it out there, it will come back to you.

*
Viktor Frankl,
Man’s Search for Meaning
(Boston: Beacon Press, 1959).

CHAPTER EIGHT

STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT

T
his is the big one, the topic that everything else in Step Two has been leading up to. The premise of this book is that anyone can achieve anything. The only
if
in the equation is your belief in yourself. Do you believe you are capable of doing the work necessary to go after the life you want? Just as important, do you believe you’re worth it?

Every single person I’ve ever helped has had one thing in common with all the others: initially they had zero self-esteem. It’s no wonder they were lost. Self-esteem is a person’s overall evaluation of his or her worth. If you feel worthless, then buddy, join a big club. Many, many people struggle with esteem issues.

In Step One I told you how to conceptualize, crystallize, and attach yourself to a vision for the life of your dreams. And in Step Three, I’m going to lead you through the process of taking deliberate, powerful action to bring that vision into reality. Step Two is the hardest part of this whole formula, but it’s also the linchpin.

Learning to believe in yourself is the most important step you will ever take toward unleashing your inner power. I can give you a step-by-step success action plan, whether it’s on how to lose weight, how to find the love of your life, or how to find the perfect
job. Horse, meet water. But if you lack the self-esteem to follow it, then it doesn’t matter what powerful information is imparted to you—you will still be lost (and thirsty).

Low self-esteem is the poison that erodes the connection between your actions and your intentions. Believing in yourself is an essential part of healthy functioning in all aspects of your life.

People with positive self-esteem have healthier, stronger connections to others. They know how to set boundaries and express needs, and they value their own contributions to a mutually appreciated partnership. Once in high school, when I was struggling with some jerk boyfriend, my dad said to me, “Boys will treat you as badly as you let them.” (My father from time to time could impart good advice. Like I told you, people are not black-and-white.) He was right, and it’s not just a man-woman thing, it’s a
people
thing. If you value yourself and treat yourself with respect, you will be valued and respected. If you don’t, you won’t. It’s really that simple. Even if someone does value and respect you in spite of your self-deprecating ways, you won’t have the self-esteem to believe in their feelings for you, and you won’t accept them at face value, so the relationship won’t be able to flourish.

Self-esteem is the key to success in any endeavor, from work to weight loss. Without it our self-destructive patterns corrode our love lives, careers, family bonds, and most important, our internal sense of well-being and strength. We can’t take the risks or make the decisions necessary to lead fulfilling, productive lives. We don’t feel worthy or capable, and as a result we shy away from life rather than engaging in it, too afraid that we aren’t equipped to handle the challenges of a fully lived life. Even if you manage to overcome a setback or reach a goal, without a foundation of truly valuing yourself, you run the risk of sabotaging your success.

This is one of the top reasons that people backslide after they’ve achieved a goal. They don’t feel they deserve the happiness their success will bring them, so they destroy what they’ve accomplished. Or they start down the path to happiness but quit
before the finish, afraid that once they show the world they can do something, the world will have a new set of expectations. Now that they’ve proved they’re able, the world will expect success of them, and they can no longer fall back on a lack of aptitude. They worry about their ability to continue succeeding; as with success, the risk of letting people down is exponentially higher. And to people with low self-esteem, disappointing others is the worst thing imaginable, because they define their own value by pleasing others. How many of you are guilty of this pattern?

When I was a kid, I was the Olympic gold medalist in this game. I would set my mind on something, work my ass off till success was in sight, and then walk away. I was deeply afraid that if I got to the end and failed, I would be a massive disappointment. My parents, friends, and teachers would see that I was incompetent, and why would anyone want to be around a loser? How could my parents be proud of me? Why would my teachers waste time with me? Blah, blah, blah. You already know the words to this song.

I always found a way to justify quitting before the finish.
That’s good enough. I don’t need to see it through to the end
. Or
Now I’ve gotten this far, it would be a waste of time to finish it
. Or
I’m bored with this now and I want to learn something else. Interesting people are always moving on and learning new things
. It wasn’t till I was twenty that someone showed me how to break this pattern.

From the time I was twelve, I studied martial arts. (Yes, I know you know that by now.) In martial arts I found a place to be strong and healthy, and it felt good. Over the course of five years, I went from a white belt to a third-degree red belt (which for us was right before black), and then at seventeen I quit. I’d developed a real bond with my instructor, and it drove him crazy that I just walked away. Poor guy. For the next three years he would ask me to come back, to “finish what you started.”

But my self-esteem was still fragile from my past, and I was so well defended against the possibility of happiness and success that I shut him out. If I had actually finished the process and earned the black belt, I would have had to let go of the fat loser kid I still
felt like. Who would I be then? What would I have to fall back on? Who would this new, successful Jillian be? What if she ended up being a disappointment? She would have no excuses—and no reasons to justify “I can’t.” I was terrified. I didn’t return his calls or his letters. I even pretended I’d moved! Seriously, I started stamping his letters “Return to Sender.” One day, just before my twenty-first birthday, he wrote me one last letter. For some reason, I chose to open it. This is what I read:

Jillian
,

It’s been a while now. I understand that you are scared and fearful of success and failure, whether you admit it or not
.

It’s very hard for me to develop a close bond with a student and push them away. However, this will be my last attempt to persuade you. Ultimately your decisions in life must be your own. I now know how a mother bird must feel when she shoves the chick from the nest to fall or fly
.

The black belt test is the pinnacle of our journey together. After the black belt test I accomplish what I set out to do when I first started teaching. The student becomes his or her own hero, steps out from under the teacher’s protective shadow, and becomes a master. A special, powerful person who looks to themselves first
.

As I have said before … you were 95% of the way there. If we had three more months we could have completed that process
.

You have had some major conflicts and survived. You landed on your own two feet and learned to depend on yourself. Remember that feeling and trust it now. It’s time for you to become your own master. The creator of your own destiny. The hero you are meant to be
.

I want you to know that I am proud of who you are and what you have already accomplished. I think you are an incredible young woman, and we have done a hell of a lot together. My heart and my home are ALWAYS open to you, and when you are
ready, please, come back and finish your training. I’d like to see a black belt around your waist
.

Good luck in all you do. It’s 4:30am. Time to go swing my sword in the hills and howl at the moon with the coyotes
.

Take care
,

Sensei

(I know what you’re thinking. Yes, he really did write that bit about the sword and the moon. So he’s a little eccentric. Some of the best of us are!)

This letter spoke to me loud and clear. From the moment I read it, I knew I had to become my own person, to step up and face life full on. It was time for me to let go of the fat loser kid once and for all. I went back to the dojo, trained for a year, and got my black belt in Akarui-do (the way of the light). It was a turning point in my life, the beginning of everything.

I still had a long way to go, but I had
done
something. And I hadn’t done it for anyone else. Sure, the cheers and pats on the back were great. But I’d done it for myself, and that was what felt the best. I nurtured this feeling of accomplishment and carried it with me like armor. I applied it to every task or situation I approached, allowing it to give me that quiet inner strength it takes to go after what you want. Even now I’ll catch myself thinking, “If I finished my black belt training, I can do anything!”

This is another reason I beat the crap out of the
Biggest Loser
contestants the way I do. I know that when they go back home and are forced to face all their painful demons, they will be able to rely on the inner strength they built from the grueling hours of punishment I dished out in the gym. They have point-blank said to me, “After living through several months with you, Jillian Michaels, there is nothing I can’t endure.”

Problems with self-esteem are particularly insidious because like many other emotional issues, they often begin in childhood. So by the time we’re adults, we think it’s normal to doubt ourselves
at every turn, to lose ourselves in any relationship we enter into, and to sit life out because of fear of the unknown.

I always found the term
dysfunctional family
to be somewhat amusing, because it implies that
functional
is the norm, but most families operate with at least a little dysfunction in the mix. Of course it’s all relative, and some of us come into adulthood with a lot more baggage than others. (Think back to Shay in
Chapter 5
—that’s dysfunction taken to its most dreadful extreme.) But we all have varying levels of dysfunction in our family backgrounds and relationships—it’s just the nature of the beast. I believe our life’s mission is to work through these issues in order to grow and adapt. The key words here:
working through the issues
. When you don’t, they have the potential to greatly inhibit and even destroy the joy and purpose of your life.

Remember the story of the chained elephants? If you have grown up believing that you’re not good enough, how are you going to know any different when it comes time for you to go out into the world? I believe who you become as a person is a mix of nature and nurture, but even someone with the best biochemistry and the strongest, clearest mind can be conditioned into believing they lack value and don’t deserve success or happiness.

Here’s another story from the show. One of my Australian
Biggest Loser
contestants was a wonderful guy with boatloads of potential. During the first few weeks he was on campus, he was busting all the past seasons’ weight-loss records. He worked hard. He was likable. And week after week that weight kept coming off. But then I found out something that set off some major alarm bells: he’d been to similar weight-loss camps, and each time he’d lost a huge amount of weight—only to gain it all back, and then some.