Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (29 page)

Think about it. Seriously. If you don’t ask for the promotion, someone else will, and they’ll probably get it because they’ve spoken openly and honestly about their ambition. If you don’t tell your significant other when something hurts your feelings, the silence will erode your relationship over time, and resentment will spread its poison, until what was once a small grievance becomes something much bigger. If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it. And if you don’t talk about the problem, it won’t get resolved. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. So all right already: speak up!

We
all
need help from time to time, and those of us who feel worthy and secure enough to ask for it are the ones who will reap the spoils. People who don’t ask for help, or who fear letting others in on collaborative efforts, may do so for many reasons, ranging from self-esteem issues to ego. Here’s the bottom line: if you can’t communicate with other people, you’re fucked. Sorry for the foul language, but if you meet this description, you needed to hear it,
and now you need to go back to Step Two and work on whatever it is that’s holding you back.

Enough digression. Now, it’s time to learn a thing or two about successful communication. The tools that follow will help you perfect the art of communication with other people so that your life is smoother and more peaceful and you feel more fulfilled. We’ll work on listening, speaking, and negotiating, and other basics of human interaction along the way.

Communication is, obviously, a two-way street. So I’m breaking this next section down into two topics: listening and speaking.

LISTEN UP!

Listening is the foundation of any productive conversation. A conversation is kind of like a dance. It requires a flow of interaction, a rhythm of give-and-take, a balance of expression and understanding. Often we can be so intent on getting our point across that we forget we need to listen. And I’m not just talking about shutting up for a second. I’m talking about listening, not just with the intent to reply but with the intent to truly understand.

It’s easy to fall into a pattern of projecting our own issues and experiences onto other people’s words. We read into things people say based on our own inner dialogue, and we try to figure them out based on what we know of our own motives. We reply and give advice based on our own frame of reference, but that isn’t necessarily what’s called for in every situation. Unless we are really listening, our conversations can turn into nothing more than two people giving speeches as opposed to creating dialogue.

I was invited to appear on the
Dr. Phil
show once. The topic was “The Fat Debate.” The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, a group of obese people who were aiming to stop discrimination against fat people, were fighting for “society” to make
certain concessions based on their weight. So the “fat panel,” comprising three obese women, was one side of the debate. I was on the “fit panel” along with another trainer wearing a T-shirt that said “No Chubbies.” (I’m totally, 100 percent serious.) His mother had been overweight and blamed him his entire life for making her gain weight during pregnancy. The third person on our side was a nutritionist whose entire family had died of obesity-related disease. The show went down pretty badly. Every time the obese ladies would speak, the other trainer and the nutritionist would wait for them to finish, then pounce on them, attacking them for being lazy, judging them for making excuses, and so on.

This led the fat panel to become defensive and distrustful of the motives behind the advice being given to them, and they couldn’t accept it. What they wanted and needed was to be treated with respect. They weren’t saying they were healthy, but they
were
trying to explain that they were engaged in lifelong struggles, and that the cultural judgment and discrimination they experienced only made it worse.

The other two on my panel weren’t able to hear that because they were too busy unconsciously projecting their own rage and hurt onto the women on the panel. Sadly, this meant that there was no resolution, and no one was helped. Those ladies needed help and could have been open to change, but the fit panel mentors weren’t able to really listen and so weren’t able to understand where they were coming from. Afterward, I was fortunate to make a connection with the ladies and actually went on to help one of them work on getting healthy.

One reason listening is so important is that everyone looks at the world through different eyes. Our different cultural backgrounds and life experiences have shaped the way we think and feel. Some of us come from a scarcity mentality, which drives us a certain way. Others come from an abundance mentality, which motivates us another way. Some of us believe in God, some of us don’t. Republicans, Democrats—the examples of how different we all are from one another could make a book by themselves.
The point is, transcending the limits of our individual perceptions is critical to reaching a higher level of communication and thus a dramatically enhanced quality of life.

What we’re aiming for is what many self-help gurus have labeled
empathic listening
. This is the kind of listening that puts you in the other person’s head and in
their
frame of reference, so you truly get what they’re feeling and understand what they’re saying. Listening this way has two major benefits. First, you gain trust and greater openness, which is always going to lead to more possibilities for connection, resolution, and creativity. Second, you are getting exact information about what’s going on, rather than just projecting your issues onto everything and everyone around you and acting on assumptions. And “when you assume something, it makes an ass out of you and me.” (I couldn’t help myself—it was right there, I had to say it.) Moving on to the bottom line, empathic listening allows you to create true and lasting communication and resolution.

It sounds great—but how do you listen empathically? It’s not something that comes easily. You can’t just decide you’re going to be a better listener, and
bam
, you are. We’re programmed at the deepest level to think with our ego, and overriding it takes awareness, desire, strength, and daring. Like almost everything, highly effective listening is a skill that you can work on and get better at with practice. This is a perfect opportunity for you to implement the techniques we discussed in
Chapter 9
—educate yourself on the subject, and build up your skill through target practice. Let’s get started.

STAY PRESENT

This has got to be the tenth time I’ve told you to be aware and stay in the moment. Are you starting to see why it’s so important not to check out? When you are listening to someone, make sure they know you are really listening. Stop what you are doing, look them in the eye, and give them your undivided attention. That means
no checking your e-mail or phone, no TV, no multitasking—just focus on the words coming out of the other person’s mouth.

BE AWARE OF WHAT YOUR BODY SAYS

Our body language plays a big part in what we communicate to the world. The way we carry ourselves gives clues to our purpose, intentions, and attitudes. Gestures, facial expressions, and posture all say a lot about what we’re thinking and where we’re coming from. Scientists say that nonverbal communication, as they call it, is often more essential to understanding than words themselves. Using body language gives you an advantage on two counts: you can read other people better, and you can get your message across better.

I can usually tell right away if someone is interested in me by the way they look at me, or how they carry themselves when talking to me. For example, if their arms are crossed, they may be angry or upset or feel threatened. So I’ll give them a little space and make efforts not to be intrusive with my own body language or positioning. Or maybe they’re looking at the ground regularly while talking to me. That could mean they’re feeling intimidated, so I dial it down a little and take a step back. Paying attention to other people’s body language gives you insight into how they’re feeling, so you can adjust the way you’re communicating.

Be conscious of how you’re carrying yourself and how you’re coming across. Are you smiling? Believe it or not, smiling is actually a powerful,
powerful
tool that puts people at ease and engenders instant positive feelings. Are your arms uncrossed, and is your posture open? This invites conversation and interaction. Are you maintaining eye contact? You know as well as I do that someone who can’t look you in the eye is avoiding something and definitely looks a little shady. (But don’t take someone’s ability to look you in the eye as meaning they’re honest: some of the best liars can do so with no problem.) Small gestures make a big difference in how you are perceived and can go a long way in conveying
authenticity and interest. If you want to learn more about body language, there are some great books, including Janine Driver’s
You Say More Than You Think
and Barbara and Allan Pease’s
The Definitive Book of Body Language
.

FEEL THEIR PAIN

Empathic listening is about more than just hearing the words—it’s about listening with the heart. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Pay close attention to how the subject of discussion makes them feel. Take into consideration their different customs, values, and background. To get the full meaning of what they are trying to convey, you want to comprehend beyond just their words and your own personal frame of reference. Until you truly feel in your heart what it would be like to live through the same experience, you can never truly understand the other person. Once a person feels that you hear and understand them, you will have a tremendous amount of credibility and validity with them, which you can then use to move forward in a mutually beneficial direction.

This step can be more challenging than it sounds. There are all kinds of people in this world, and many of them are going to have values you disagree with, perhaps violently. Some of them are going to hold beliefs that offend you, often deeply. But we are all human, one tribe. And we can always
try
to find common ground. You do this with your heart, not with your head.

What do I mean? Just so you get the idea of how this can work in real life, here are some examples of difficult scenarios and possible commonalities. If you have religious differences, maybe a common ground is that you both love and believe in God. If you have political differences, perhaps you can find common ground in the fact that you both feel passionately about making the world a better place. Once you find these emotional intersections, you can begin to grasp where the other person is coming from. And from this jumping-off point you’ll be able to move forward in a way that serves both of you. I’m so sick of telling you it won’t be
easy, but it won’t. As I told you, I won’t make you false promises, but I will provide you with answers and solutions. And if you want big things for yourself, you’re going to have to figure this one out. FYI, I work on empathic listening
every day
, sometimes more successfully than others. It will get easier in time as you begin to see the benefits of your trials and tribulations.

LET THEM KNOW YOU LISTENED AND HEARD

Make sure your response lets the other person know they have been heard. You can listen empathically till you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do you much good unless the other person
knows
you’re listening. Think about how you feel when you pour your heart out to someone, and as soon as they open their mouth, you see they haven’t really heard a word you’ve said. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, and hurtful as hell, right? Now think about how you feel when you can tell from someone’s response that they get what you’re saying. I bet you feel relieved, validated, comfortable, and open to hearing their point of view. That’s why your response to the other person’s feelings matters most of all.

Now, there’s a trick to this, and although it might seem manipulative, just remember, if you weren’t really listening, you wouldn’t be able to do it. So don’t feel bad—think of it as using a formula. First rephrase what they’ve said. Be sure to include the way you perceive they’re feeling. Next you need to affirm your motives, to let the other person know where you’re coming from, to begin to build trust. In doing so, what you say will have weight, and your suggestions, your advice, and whatever kind of dialogue you’re doing will be well received and taken seriously.

When we were shooting the episodes of
Losing It
, the process was intense. I would spend a week tearing through the lives of each family member like a tornado. Then I would leave them on their own to put into practice everything I’d taught them, staying closely in touch by e-mail and phone. Then six weeks later I’d come back to check on their progress. For one young woman, this period when her family was “on their own” became totally stressful, and
she stopped responding when I reached out to her. I was deeply concerned that she had gotten off track, and I really needed to get to the bottom of it with her. So I made it as clear as possible that I just wanted to help. Here’s roughly how the exchange went:

Me:
Rachael, what’s been going on with you? I’ve noticed you’re not responding to my e-mails. I’m concerned and confused, and instead of guessing what’s going on, I figured I’d just ask you straight out. You can be honest with me. That’s what I’m here for.

Rachael:
It’s not that I’m trying to ignore you. I just feel like I have come to a point where I’m working hard and not seeing the results that you want to see. I’m coming to the point of wanting to give up. I’m so grateful for all your help and support, but sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough, even though I’m giving it my all. It’s discouraging. And I feel like we have to live up to a standard that so far we aren’t meeting, which is a slam to the self-esteem.

Watch how I repeat what she said about how I’m making her feel.