Unworthy Heart: The Donnellys, Book 1 (21 page)

Ryan cleared the table. He’d gotten the dishwasher loaded by the time Maiya and Jacob came back downstairs. “Cookies and milk are on the table, little man.”

“I would have done that,” Maiya said.

“Done what?”

“The dishes.” She moved to the sink and started washing the saucepan. “You cooked. I clean. That’s the way it worked in my house with me and my brother.”

“All right then, I’ll dry.” He rubbed her lower back. “Thanks, baby.” Ryan glanced at his son. “Did Maiya like your fort?”

“Mmhm. She even climbed inside with me,” Jacob said around a mouthful of Oreos.

“It’s a pretty excellent fort, Jacob. Your uncle is cool for making it for you.” Rinsing the pot, she handed it over to Ryan. “My brother used to make forts for me when I was a little girl.”

“You have a brother? What’s his name?” Jacob took a drink of his milk.

Ryan looked at Maiya. She’d only talked about her brother to him once, and had revealed very little.

She started on the pasta pot. “His name was Jeremy.”

“Does he live near you?”

“No, honey. He doesn’t.” She looked at Ryan.

The request was clear in her eyes and he nodded. “Her brother is in heaven, little man.”

“Oh. He prolly knows Mommy.” Jacob gobbled the last piece of cookie, swinging his legs back and forth under the chair.

“Maybe.” Maiya scrubbed the pot, rinsed it and then handed it to Ryan.

After drying it, he put it away. “Okay, little man. It’s time for bed. Let’s head upstairs, get your teeth brushed and you tucked in.”

“Already?”

“Yes, already. It’s seven o’clock. And you have school tomorrow.”

Jacob shuffled over to them with his empty cup of milk. “Can Maiya come up and tuck me in too?”

“If she wants, sure.” Ryan picked up his son. “Care to join us, Maiya?”

She reached for the cup from his son. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

Jacob dived from Ryan’s arms into hers. Maiya let out an “ooof” when she caught him. It shocked Ryan. It shocked her too because her eyes got wide as silver dollars when she looked at him, but then she smiled. His stomach dropped and his heart launched into his throat. She wrapped her arms around his son’s tiny waist and nuzzled his little neck, inspiring a giggle from Jacob.

Other than family, he hadn’t seen his son in a woman’s arms in forever. It was odd, but in a good sort of way. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and followed them upstairs. This woman had found a place in his heart with ease, and now it appeared she’d found a place in his son’s too. It pleased him more than it scared him. It was a good thing. It felt right.

He held her hand and they descended the stairs after getting Jacob settled in bed. Maiya read his son three stories before Ryan declared official lights out. His mind had ping-ponged all over the place while he listened to her soft voice lull his son into dreams.

Fear, amazement, pride and complete admiration for Maiya filled him. She’d fallen into rhythm, helping Jacob pick out books, getting him settled under the blankets and lying down beside him to read what he’d chosen.

All of it led him to one conclusion: he wanted her to be his. No. Theirs. He wanted Maiya in his
and
his son’s life. Done deal.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ryan pulled her into an embrace. Holding her soft body tight to his, he chastised himself for holding back from her in favor of old wounds long overdue to be healed. He just hoped Maiya wanted him
and
his son as much as Ryan wanted her.

Maiya pressed her mouth and nose against Ryan’s neck, breathing him in. His skin carried the scent of fresh air from being outdoors half the day at the zoo.

Loosening his arms, he ran his hands up and down her back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

She looked up him. “For what?”

His gaze roamed over her face, a sad expression in his eyes, but then a small smile curved his lips and he caressed her cheek with his fingertips. “For a few things, and for today.”

She covered his hand cradling her cheek with her own. “I don’t understand.”

“I know.” Ryan stroked his thumb over her bottom lip. “How about I make coffee. We can talk.”

“Sounds kind of ominous.”

“Not at all.” He gave her a soft kiss. “But I understand why you might think so.” Taking her hand in his, he pulled her down the hall into the kitchen.

She waited at the kitchen table while he readied the coffee pot. Confusion settled like a thick storm cloud and her mind wandered in all sorts of directions. She chewed on her lip, contemplating if she’d stepped over some sort of line with his son. Or was he ending their relationship—or whatever it was they were doing? She tapped the tip of one nail on the table, and bounced her knee trying to dispel some of her nervous energy.

Ryan remained silent the entire time the coffee brewed and he put some Oreo cookies on a plate. When she thought she might burst clean out of her skin, he spoke. “I should have invited you to the zoo today with us.”

“Ryan, it’s… You don’t—”

“Let me finish.” He glanced at her and she clamped her mouth closed. “I was scared. No, that’s a lie. I
am
scared.” He filled two mugs, adding cream and sugar to hers, fixing it the way she liked. Such a simple thing, yet it made her insides turn to mush.

This amazing, wonderfully surprising man remembered how she liked her coffee. “What are you scared about?”

He handed her the mug and then took a seat opposite her. He raised his mug to his lips and blew on the hot liquid before sipping it. “A few things, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m in desperate need of a cigarette. Can we go outside?”

“You should quit smoking.”

“I should do a lot of things. Indulge me.” She got up, grabbed her smokes from her purse and headed toward the back door in the family room.

He followed and opened the slider for her. “It’s chilly. You want one of my jackets?”

“No. I’m okay for now.” She sipped her coffee. “Mmm, perfect again.” Taking a seat on one of his cushioned patio chairs, she lit up. The gray smoke swirled from the end and she exhaled a stream of it, savoring the first drag.

“Better?” He pulled an ashtray from behind the outdoor bar on his patio, slid it toward her and then sat a few feet away in the matching chair.

“Much. Go on, please.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it, and stared out at the back yard. “I don’t know where to start.”

With her nerves feeling more settled, thanks to the nicotine running through her system, Maiya waited for him to gather his thoughts. They hadn’t turned on the outside light, and the clear sky and glow from the moon bathed the strong features of his face. His eyes were cast in a dark shadow, but his cheeks, lips and chin were highlighted. What a beautiful view he made.

He leaned forward in his seat, bracing his elbows on his knees. “I told you about Jacob’s mother, how she died.”

She took another puff off her cigarette. “You told me she died, but not how.”

“She overdosed. Heroin.” He blew out a breath.

“Jesus Christ, Ryan. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. I gained custody of Jacob about a year before the end.” He smoothed his palm over his face. “She’d been clean when she got pregnant and… I was happy, you know? Surprised, but happy. I asked her to marry me.” He shook his head and then sipped his coffee. “When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. It took me almost three years to find her,
and
my son. Christ, I didn’t even know I had a son.”

“Holy shit.”

“When I found her, she was so deep in her addiction she readily signed him over to me. It was horrible watching her kill herself with the drugs after that.” He looked at her. “But none of that has anything to do with what scares me now.”

She needed to give him something of hers—a fair trade for him sharing something so deep and personal with her. She also wanted him to know she knew what it felt like to watch someone destroy themself with an addiction they couldn’t control. “My mother’s a chronic alcoholic.” She drew on her cigarette. “That’s why she’s sick now.”

“I’m sorry. Was she like this when you were a kid?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t happy land, that’s for damn sure.” She put out her cigarette and lit another.

He raised a brow.

She giggled. “What? Don’t look at me like that.”

He leaned back in his seat again. “I love that sound.”

“I love that you make me make it so often.” She smiled. “What scares you? Tell me, please?”

“I don’t want this to come out wrong.”

“Just say it.”

“You’re a lot like her.”

She scoffed. “You can’t be serious?” He couldn’t mean what he was saying. Considering what he’d shared with her about his ex, the idea hit her like a knife in the chest.

“Hear me out.”

“Okay, fine. Finish.” Maiya sipped her coffee and tried to keep an open mind.

“You’re like her in the good ways. Tammy was the person in a room full of people who stood out. Everyone noticed her. And if they didn’t, she made sure by the end of the night they had. It’s why you remind me of her. People see you, Maiya. They can’t help but see you. For one thing, you’re beautiful.”

She laughed, shaking her head in denial of his compliment. But at least this was a line of thinking that was the good kind of stab in the chest.

He smiled. “You are! For another, you have this intoxicating personality. People want to be near you. I want to be near you.”

“Thank you, and I want to be near you too. But you still haven’t told me what scares you.”

“It’s stupid. The more I say it out loud the more stupid it sounds. I just… Jacob, you know? He lost his mother and it was hard on him, but he’s okay. I mean he remembers her, just not like I remember her. Tammy wasn’t always on drugs. There was a time when she was like you are now, except she really never was.” He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I don’t even think I’m making any sense.”

“I think I understand.”

Shock skittered across his features. “You do?”

“What if, right?” Taking a long drag, she exhaled and watched the smoke waft away on the breeze. “What if I come into your life and then I disappear? What if you get hurt, or worse, Jacob gets hurt. Again.”

“Yes.” He blew out a breath, grabbed his mug and took a long sip of his coffee.

“What if you decide you want someone better? What if you wake up and realize I’m someone who somehow landed a great job, but is really nothing but a tattooed girl from the wrong side of the tracks with an alcoholic mother?” She stared at her feet. “What if you wake up one day and realize I’m not good enough for you?”

“Of course you’re… God, you think I would do that?”

She shrugged a shoulder. “Do you think I would do what you fear?”

Ryan sighed. “What if…”

“Exactly.”

“I see you with my son and it freaks me out, and at the same time it feels right.” He stared into his coffee. “I mean, you’ve only been around him twice and already he can’t stay away from you. You’re like some sort of drug, but a good one.”

“I’m not sure that’s a flattering reference considering what you told me about Tammy, and my experience with my mother, but I’ll take it for what it’s worth.” She laughed.

“So, what do we do now? You realize I’m a package deal here, right?”

“You having a child doesn’t bother me. I think Jacob is a bright and sweet little boy. As far as us? I don’t know. What do
you
want exactly?”

“I want you.” He met her eyes. “I want you in my life. But I don’t know what that looks like or how it’ll work. I’m fuzzy on anything beyond that.”

“Dating?” She peered through the darkness at the backyard. “As in, exclusively, monogamously, dating?” She put out her cigarette. It surprised her how calm her voice sounded because her heart had launched into a rapid beat, and a lump lodged itself in her throat. Was this really happening?

“Yes.”

She cleared her throat and reached for some calm. “Wow.” She pulled her hair over one shoulder. “I didn’t expect this. You’re sure?”

“Very.”

Fuck, she needed to sort out her thoughts. Yes, she’d fallen for him, but she hadn’t meant to. She didn’t belong with a guy like Ryan and was convinced, even if he thought he wanted her, he’d change his mind. She’d be hurt either way.
God, I need Jodi.
Maiya wanted him. Of course she wanted him.
I just don’t think he really knows what he wants.
He was a risk she wasn’t sure she would survive. “Let’s see how this week goes.” Picking up her coffee, she stood. “Let’s just see, okay?”

“I’m sure about this, Maiya.” He stepped to her. “But I guess we’ll see how the week goes.”

Anxiety coursed through her. Damn she was going to have a heart attack if she didn’t get out of there. “It’s late. I better get back to my hotel. We have work tomorrow.”

“Okay.” He sighed and brushed her hair away from her face and then kissed her cheek. “Let me walk you out.”

She kissed him goodbye at the door and he held her close a lot longer than in the past. Maybe he was afraid she didn’t want what he did. Even so, how could he want
her
? She’d been smart enough to earn an education and make something of herself. But, so what? Getting a college degree and a good job didn’t change what existed inside. Her family defined dysfunction. She was still Maiya Rossini, a girl who grew up in a trailer park on the shit-side of town, had a mother who was drunk more often than not and a brother who died far too young. She’d never forgive herself for Jeremy’s death. Her mother damn sure wouldn’t, either.

Getting into her rental car, she headed for the hotel.
“You’re so selfish. It’s your fault he’s gone, Emmie!”
Her mother’s words echoed in her mind. Maiya did her best to focus on the road and turned up the radio, trying to drown out her mother’s voice and the memory of that horrid day.

She didn’t need this shit. Didn’t need, or want, the memories that having these feelings for Ryan brought up. The man had no idea what he was asking her for. He was too good for her, and deserved someone so much better. And sweet Jacob? Well, that little boy deserved a mother who was respectable.