Up In A Heaval (31 page)

“Umlaut, the decision is yours,” Chlorine said. “Should Surprise Golem remember you or forget you?”

“But I can't, uh, decide that,” he said. “I don't want her to forget me, but I don't want her to suffer either. I don't want anyone to suffer on account of me.”

“Of whom else are you thinking?” Chlorine asked.

“Well, uh, Sesame Serpent. She can't be with Soufflé Serpent because of his curse. They met because of me and will hurt if I go without enabling them to be together.”

Soufflé, in the audience, turned red.

“Anyone else?” Chlorine asked, on the verge of impatience.

“Demoness Metria, her son's soul will be lost because of me. And Rorrim Mirror is losing his freedom. That's not right.”

Two more red spots appeared in the audience: the real Metria, and Rorrim, propped in a chair. They were plainly amazed but appreciative.

“But they were opposing you,” Chlorine pointed out.

“They were just doing what they had to do, and I messed them up. They should be set right too.”

Chlorine's toe tapped the floor significantly. “Any others?”

He plowed stupidly ahead. “Well, yes, actually. What about Tristan Troll, cursed to be torn between two decent women? Gwenny Goblin, who can't find a suitable prince to marry. Gail Marie, who can't speak without the world pausing to listen. So many people have unfair problems, and I haven't helped them at all.”

Chlorine looked at Nimby again. He wiggled an ear.

“The Demon Xanth, to get this settled, proffers you this choice: you to have continued existence so that Surprise is not bereaved, or all the others to have their problems resolved—abatement of curses, Demon Ted's soul saved, Rorrim's freedom retained, marriageable prince found, world no longer pausing to listen, and so on. Choose: your happiness or theirs.”

Umlaut struggled, knowing that the attention of many was on him, especially of the four most concerned: Surprise, Sesame, Metria, and Rorrim. He could have existence and happiness with Surprise, or the others could have their problems solved. It was painful, but he knew what he had to do. “Help the others and give Surprise another man so that she can be happy without me.”

“You just had to do the most decent thing!” Surprise said accusingly.

“I'm, uh, sorry,” he said, feeling guilty.

“And I love you for it. But I can't let you go.”

“The choice is not yours,” Chlorine said, “except to accept or reject the decision with respect to yourself only.” She looked at Sesame. “Do you accept?”

The serpent wriggled uncomfortably, looking at Umlaut. “Do it,” he said. “It's the only way.”

She nodded and slowly turned green. Then Soufflé slithered across to join her, and they twined tails, no longer cursed.

Chlorine turned to Metria. “Do you accept?”

The demoness held her son Ted to her bosom. “I have to.” She turned green.

“It was a bluff, anyway,” Fornax said. “A soul can't be taken; it must be given. I am inordinately curious about its nature, because it leads to such nonsensical situations.”

“Even Umlaut's mere emulation of a soul leads to remarkable things,” Jupiter said. “I am becoming curious about souls too.”

“We should find a free one and split it for vivisection,” Fornax said.

“True.”

Chlorine turned to Rorrim. “Do you accept?”

The mirror turned green. Glassco would not have him.

“And you others,” Chlorine said. “Do you accept?”

There was a flicker, then more green. All of them, however reluctantly, accepted. How could they do otherwise?

Now Chlorine turned to Surprise. “Do you accept?”

“No!”

“But you'll get another man,” Umlaut said. “A real one you can keep and love, who maybe will be smart and not klutzy. It won't make any difference to me because I'll be gone. It's the most reasonable thing. I want you to be happy, with or without me.”

“I know you do,” she retorted. “You're so decent it gets sickening, but I'd rather be miserable with the memory of you than happy with someone else.”

Umlaut spoke to Chlorine. “I can't stand to have her miserable. Maybe if you present the other man, she'll change her mind.”

“I won't!”

Chlorine gazed at the audience. “Brusque Brassie, come forth.”

The coppery figure stood and walked to the stage. Umlaut remembered him; he had worked with his younger siblings the ogret twins to free them from the spiderweb-covered valley when they had to deliver the letter to Tandy Nymph. He had helped, then departed, a good young part-ogre man. He was eighteen, and his talent was to make things hard and heavy, or soft and light. He was indeed an ideal young man.

“Would you like to have Surprise Golem as your girlfriend?”

“I don't know. What does she look like?”

“Surprise, come to the stage.”

Reluctantly, Surprise came, her hair swirling lustrously about her. “This won't work,” she muttered. “I don't care how handsome or talented he is. I love only Umlaut.”

“Will she do?” Chlorine asked.

“Sure. She looks great.”

He was right: Surprise, in her adamant bright red color, looked beautiful from her pert face to the end of her flowing hair. She was every inch a wonderful young woman.

“Well he do?” Chlorine asked Surprise.

“No!”

“Please, Surprise,” Umlaut said, “give him a chance. He's a good man. He helped us out of a gully.”

“Kiss him,” Chlorine said.

“No!”

Nimby wiggled an ear. Surprise, abruptly compelled, stepped into Brusque, embraced him, and lifted her face to kiss him. They seemed like the perfect couple. Umlaut's heart ached, but he knew it was right. He could leave happiness behind him.

Then they separated. “She's not the one,” Brusque said, turning away.

Jaws dropped across the audience. Chlorine waggled a forefinger at Surprise. “You used magic to turn him off.”

“Darn. I hoped you wouldn't notice.”

Umlaut had to admire her pluck. She had used up one more talent so as to preserve herself for him. But that would merely lead her into heartbreak. He was trying to give her up so she could be happy, and she was refusing to accept it.

“We can negate it.” Chlorine glanced at Brusque, who remained standing, apparently not able to return to the audience until given Demon leave.

“Then it wouldn't be my decision.”

Chlorine glanced again at Nimby. “There are things to be admired about this young woman. Can we give her more of a choice?”

Nimby wiggled an ear. Chlorine turned back to Surprise. “Serious choices have consequences. Particularly when they relate to Demons. You may accept everything Umlaut has done, and achieve his existence, if you enter into a Demon contest. If you win, you get it all. If you lose, his choice prevails, and he will be abolished and you will be with Brusque. But you will remember.”

“You are offering me heaven or hell.”

“Actually, the Demon Xanth is offering you heaven and hell. Life with Umlaut would not be perfect, because he isn't perfect, and life with Brusque would be no torture. But yes, you would always remember and regret what you lost and never be quite satisfied with what you had. You would always know that you could have had satisfaction, but threw it away, and would condemn yourself for that. You might well consider walking into the Void and kicking the bucket there, just to get rid of your horrible doubting. No one else would understand. So it would be a hell of your own making, but implacable. Demons don't deal for nothing; that would be your forfeit for contesting and losing. I think you would be better off to accept the offer now. There is nothing wrong with it that doses of love elixir can't cure, and it is far less risky.”

“Yet if I don't try, I would know that I could have tried for more and lacked the gumption.”

“For that there is lethe water. You can forget.”

Surprise pondered further. “I don't want to forget. Not if it means Umlaut is lost. I'll take the Demon contest.”

“No!” Umlaut cried. But he was too late, as he tended to be.

Demons Jupiter and Fornax came forward. “You must convince these two antagonists to allow Umlaut to exist,” Chlorine said. “You will have three tries.”

Surprise looked daunted, which was quite reasonable in the circumstance. “I suppose simple logic won't do it?”

“Only if it is persuasive in a purely rational, unfeeling manner.”

“I can't do that. Feeling is what motivates me. What about an appeal to decency?”

“Demons are soulless; they have no concept of decency. That was why Demon Xanth needed my help in crafting Umlaut.”

“Then what can I do?”

“You must make them an offer for trade. If they accept, you win. If they do not, you lose.”

“But what do I have that a Demon could possibly want?”

“It is your challenge to find something—or withdraw. There may be nothing; that's the risk you take. I recommend that you withdraw.”

Surprise looked at Umlaut. “I love you,” she said.

“And I, uh—”

“Of course.” She faced the two Demons. “I will play the game.”

“Granted,” the two Demons said together. There was a sigh of apprehension through the audience; they knew the risk she was taking.

Surprise visibly nerved herself and spoke. “I offer my talent. It is the talent of talents. I can do any magic talent once, but then I lose it. You might find it interesting to study.”

Demon Jupiter responded. “That does interest me. I have not had experience with limited mortal magic. My animation of Umlaut showed me that it can be intriguing in its quirks and consequences.”

“It does not interest me,” Demoness Fornax said. “The form I assumed for this venture can do many kinds of magic and is immortal. I see no mystery worth fathoming.”

“The first offer fails,” Chlorine said.

Surprise looked depleted but tried again. “I offer my life. You both are immortal; mortality might amuse you.”

“No!” Umlaut cried. “What good would it be to save me, if you die?”

She faced him sadly. “You would exist, and you might be happy with another girl, just as you wanted me to be happy with another boy.”

“I don't want another girl!”

“I understand perfectly.” Many in the audience nodded; she had already demonstrated that.

“Perhaps we could verify that,” Fornax said, evidently enjoying the conjecture. “Becka Dragon-Nymph, come forth.”

The girl of Castle Maidragon walked out of the audience. “Yes, I would like him,” she said. “And I think I could make him like me too, in time, even without love elixir.”

“Don't do this!” Umlaut pleaded.

“If you feel that way,” she agreed. “I want only someone who truly wants me, knowing my nature.”

“There's nothing wrong with you!” Umlaut said. “You're cute and talented and your dragon form is great. It's just that, uh—”

“That I'm not Surprise. I understand. I admire your loyalty to her and hers to you. So I will not do this.” She turned around and started walking away.

“If Surprise yields her life, you will do it,” Fornax said. There was a faint shimmer of magic, and Becka turned about again.

Umlaut remembered the way Tacy had reversed herself, when Com Pewter changed her reality. Human conscience had little relevance in the overpowering realm of Demons.

“If they accept my life, take her,” Surprise told Umlaut. “I want you not only to exist but also to be happy. I can see that she's a good match for you.”

“Surprise is as self-sacrificing as Umlaut is,” Fornax said. “I believe I will accept her life. It should be a fascinating vivisection.”

Umlaut froze in horror, unable to get out even an “uh.”

“I won't,” Jupiter said. “Mortals die all the time and are easy to observe. I don't need to trade any commitment for that.”

“The second offer fails,” Chlorine said.

Surprise's red was fading to greenish around the gills. But she renerved herself and made her final try. “I offer my soul. That's the one thing you Demons lack, so it should be interesting.”

“A soul,” Jupiter said. “The thing that makes mortals act in weird ways, evincing conscience, love, and decency.”

“I have been looking for a soul to dissect,” Fornax said. “This one I could take, since it is offered.”

“No!” Umlaut cried despairingly. “Take mine instead!”

“You have no soul,” Jupiter reminded him, “only an emulation of one.”

“With your related talent of emulation,” Fornax agreed. “Now we have a chance to possess a real one.”

Umlaut turned to Surprise. “But if you save me and you, but lose your soul, you won't be anyone I could live with.”

“Not so,” Jupiter said. “We'll give her a soul emulation like yours. You won't know the difference.”

“But it won't really be her!”

“In any event, this is not your decision to make,” Fornax said. “It is ours.” She glanced at Jupiter. “Are we agreed?”

“Yes. We accept the mortal's offer of her soul. We shall each take half.”

“The third offer succeeds,” Chlorine announced.

“Nooo!” Umlaut cried again. But he was helpless.

Surprise spread her arms and lifted her chin. “Take it.” There were tears leaking from her eyes, but she held her pose.

There was a mass wince in the audience.

Both Demons swooped, with their arms passing through Surprise's body without apparent resistance. Something seemed to tear. Surprise seemed to deflate. Then each Demon clapped hand to chest, taking in the half soul. It was done.

There was a pause. Then Jupiter spoke, horrified. “What's this? Suddenly I care”

“Suddenly I feel conscience,” Fornax said, appalled.

“This will cripple my operations,” Jupiter said. “I can't wear this soul myself. I must park it somewhere.”

“Umlaut now exists and lacks a soul,” Chlorine reminded him.

Jupiter swept his hand through Umlaut's body. Simultaneously, Umlaut felt his emulation soul replaced by the real thing, and it was a qualitative difference that was awesome. He had been doing what he did because he judged it to be the right thing to do; now he no longer needed to judge, he knew. It was immensely comforting.

“I will park mine also,” Fornax said. “It is simply too inconvenient to keep with me.” She swept her hand back through Surprise's body. Surprise seemed to recover animation but swayed and seemed on the verge of fainting. Both Umlaut and Brusque ran to catch her before she fell.