Valentine's Day Is Killing Me
Read Valentine's Day Is Killing Me Online
Authors: Leslie Esdaile,Mary Janice Davidson,Susanna Carr
Tags: #Romance, #General, #Contemporary, #Fiction
Julie Kay spotted the crowd and hesitated. Typical V-Day mob, all right. All googly-eyed couples and starchy waiters. She definitely should have followed her instincts and stayed home.
There was nothing wrong with being single, dammit!
Why didn’t married people get it? Why had she weakened? Why was her bra itching? Why had she swapped her comfortable gray clogs for black flats?
Well, it couldn’t be worse than the Republican who brought a shotgun along. Or the model. Right?
from
“Cuffs and Coffee Breaks”
by MaryJanice Davidson
Leslie Esdaile
Susanna Carr
KENSINGTON BOOK
KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP.
http://www.kensingtonbooks.com
UFFS AND
C
OFFEE
B
REAKS
MaryJanice Davidson
For everyone who ever dreaded
the approach of Valentine’s Day,
this one’s for you.
Thanks to my editor, Kate, for asking me. Who could resist such a premise?
Thanks also to the women who shared their “date from hell” stories, especially Sara, Kirsten, Cathie, and Donna. I’m praying you were exaggerating for humorous effect. You’ve all got medals now, right?
“It is good to love the unknown.”
—Charles Lamb on Valentine’s Day
“Watch this, Lisa. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.”
—Bart Simpson,
The Simpsons
EconoHart
Corporate Headquarters
Minneapolis, Minnesota
February 13, 2006
——Original Message——
From:
Scott Wythe
To:
Julie Kay About
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 12:02 PM
Subject:
latest draft
hey girl so here it is i made some changes but it’s looking really good, maybe tweak the dog a little more and then it’ll be perfect. way cool girl! scotty
——Original Message——
From:
Julie Kay About
To:
Scott Wythe
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 12:12 PM
Subject:
Re: latest draft
Stop doing that. You’re a grown man (I’m assuming, as we’ve never met face-to-face) and you write e-mails like you just escaped the second grade.
Say it with me: punctuation. Capital letters. “I” is always capitalized, even when it’s in the middle of the sentence. We might write for a bad greeting card company, but we’re still writers, for Christ’s sake.
Now: I will not tweak the dog, I will do nothing to the dog. The damned dog is fine the way it is. Let’s let this thing GO already.
J.K.
——Original Message——
From:
Fred Hammer, I.T. Department
To:
Julie Kay About
Cc:
Scott Wythe
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 1:02 PM
Subject:
Re: re: latest draft
Ms. About, during a random check of company e-mails, the I.T. department noted unacceptable language use in your account. Please consider this your fifth warning. Further warnings may result in disciplinary action. Remember, wherever you go, you are representing EconoHart Corporate.
Have a nice day!
——Original Message——
From:
Julie Kay About
To:
Fred Hammer, I.T. Department
Cc:
Scott Wythe
Cc:
Mr. Donald Erickson, CEO
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 1:06 PM
Subject:
Re: re: re: latest draft
Stay out of my e-mails, you jackbooted Nazis! If you prying motherfuckers don’t pull your thumbs out of MY business, I’m going to dump a coffee milkshake into the main server! Don’t you have anything better to do than spy on me like a bunch of virgin idiot losers? We’ve got viruses up the ass and our firewall is constantly going down, so you can’t tell me you’ve got nothing better to do than read e-mails.
Don, if you want to fire me, then fucking fire me. If you want me to get my work done, call off the goddamned dogs. And if I see another smiley face emoticon in any corporate communication, I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS.
——Original Message——
From:
Don Erickson
To:
Julie Kay About
Cc:
Scott Wythe
Cc:
I.T. Department
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 1:22 PM
Subject:
Everyone get back to work
Julie, sorry to bother you. Keep up the good work. I can assure you, the I.T. department will not be bothering you again.
Right, fellas?
Scott, I hope recent events aren’t putting you off the work environment here at EconoHart. We’re one big, happy family and we’re glad you’ve joined us!
Julie Kay leaned back in her office chair and smirked at the screen. Good old Don-o, swinging to the rescue. He didn’t spend eight months wooing her away from Hallmark only to have I.T. weenies drive her out the door over some silly bullshit.
Although, cc’ing the big boss was kind of a dirty trick. But then, who played nice these days? It slowed you down, if nothing else.
Her computer beeped at her and she frowned—hadn’t there been enough of this stuff today?—then called up the e-mail.
——Original Message——
From:
Scott Wythe
To:
Julie Kay About
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 2:30 PM
Subject:
still waiting
hey so glad we got that cleared up you were totally awesome grrrl but i’m still waiting for the last draft of the card. do u want me to come over there and pick it up cuz it’s no prob. good job with the weenies. maybe we can have a drink sometime
scotty
“Arrrrgggggghhh!”
she yowled, and slammed her fists on the keyboard. Instantly, “sdlkjfa;slektjwpeoituwpoeituwopetuiw” streamed across the screen and she hastily took her fingers away and cleared the mess.
Would the boy never learn? Why wouldn’t he let the stupid card go to Production? She was the one with the degrees in Creative Writing and Graphic Arts. He was—what? Was he even her age? He sure didn’t write like it.
But then, who did these days? It was like most people assumed having e-mail meant never having to spell or capitalize. She was shocked at the number of high-level executives who would never dream of sending out a business letter without punctuation, but thought nothing of e-mailing “how u doon grrrl?” to a colleague.
Although…she was at Corporate, and Scott was forty miles away in the Marketing building at Brooklyn Park. Not exactly a hop, skip, and a jump; plus, they had couriers to pick up the hard stuff.
That was kind of nice of him, offering to come over…must be because he was the new guy. New guys were always anxious to make a good impression.
She took another look at the final sketch. Stupid dog on the cover, stupid, insipid saying on the inside, Happy Birthday, buh-bye. She had planned to write the Great American Short Story, and instead she drew dogs and thought up words that rhymed with “birthday.”
And no matter how hard she worked, how hard they all worked, business was steadily dropping off. The homemade card craze—Julie Kay mused, rubbing her lips, then scowling at the bright red stain on her fingers—is killing us.
So, it made sense to put forth her best effort, always. And Scott was a pair of fresh eyes. Maybe the puppy could use a little more definition in the face and paws…wouldn’t hurt to try and it would only be another five minutes or so…
——Original Message——
From:
Julie Kay About
To:
Scott Wythe
Sent:
Tuesday, February 13, 2006 3:21 PM
Subject:
Absolute final draft
Scott,
(I’m assuming you’re a grown man, thus I refuse to refer to you as Scotty. Puppies and pet rabbits are named Scotty.)
I gave it one more tweak, as you suggested, and though I can’t tell the difference, you might. I’m sending the final version over by courier right now; you should have it within the hour. So off my back, hose-head.
Sorry about the mess you got in earlier. The I.T. department (and I know you’re reading this, you Gestapo bastards, and why don’t you go fuck yourselves?) and I have a history. They think the Third Reich is alive and well, and I think that as long as I’m working here sixty hours a week and getting more work done than anyone else in the department, it’s none of their damn business what I put in an e-mail.
Don’t forget what I said about capitalizing and punctuation. Even if you are only a sixteen-year-old intern, you can do better than that.
J.K.