Vanished (9 page)

“I guess we're all messed up a bit,” I said
.

“All the best people are.”

I took the bottle back and took another drink so I'd have something to distract me from wanting to touch her
.

Beth leaned toward me. “You've got sand on you.” She ran the pad of her thumb along my lip. I felt grains of sand slide off under her touch. It felt like a match being lit. My breath was coming faster. Beth leaned in closer, pausing just a few inches from my face. “Okay?” she asked, her voice soft
.

I nodded, not entirely sure what she was asking. Not knowing what I wanted to happen, or maybe knowing, but unwilling to admit it
.

Beth's mouth touched mine. Her lips soft and then pressing. She cupped her hand behind my head, her fingers weaving into my hair. The sound of waves hitting the beach thumped like a heartbeat, filling me, connecting us
.

She pulled back and let out a long breath. “I shouldn't have done that.”

My heart was in overdrive. “I'm glad you did.”

She took the bottle back from me and took a sip. “Well, this is going to complicate things.”

“I like complicated things,” I said, sounding braver and surer than I felt. I had no idea what was happening, I just knew I wanted her to kiss me like that again
.

She tapped the bottle to her forehead in a salute. “Then we'll just have to be careful. Brit. Zach. Et cetera. How many times do I have to do this to keep us safe?” she teased
.

“Six times.”

Beth beamed. “Six is my favorite number! Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast,” she crowed
.

The bourbon was making my lips tingle. If I started laughing I wouldn't be able to stop. “What?”

Beth rolled her eyes. “How do you not know that? It's from
Alice in Wonderland.
”

“I never read it.”

“Serious?” Beth leaned back in shock and fell off the log, her legs in the air. I pulled her back up, giggling. I glanced down at our hands, our fingers laced together. “It's my favorite book of all time.”

Beth tapped her head with the bottle six times. “There, now we're good!”

I nodded. Technically, since she'd done it once before, that was seven times. Not that it mattered. As she leaned in to kiss me I tasted the sand and bourbon on her lips, and realized I'd never felt safer
.

As soon as I came downstairs the next morning, I
sensed something was wrong. The tension in the air was like a fog filling up the house. I paused in the doorway of the kitchen. My parents stopped their whispering. I stepped forward and reached for the paper on the counter between them.

There was a giant photo of Brit splashed across the front page. It was her senior photo, the one that looked like it belonged in a modeling portfolio. My dad took the paper out of my hands before I could read it. Mom picked up her tea mug and put it back down without taking a drink.

“We need to talk with you,” my dad said.

“Brit didn't come home last night,” I said, guessing what
he was going to say. If she had, the paper wouldn't have bothered to run her photo. I was worried about her, but I wanted to ask why Britney being gone for a few hours merited a front-page story. Beth had been gone six days and no one had even put up a flyer.

“They found a note,” Dad said.

“Did it say where she was going?” If she'd figured out where Beth was and had gone to confront her, I wanted to go there too.

“Honey, I'm so sorry, but it was a suicide note.”

I blinked, trying to make sense of what Mom had said. It felt like someone had hit me in the head with a bat. My ears had a strange ringing sound to them.

“Brit would never kill herself.” I hoped by saying it aloud I could make it true. I knew Brit had been upset yesterday, but had she been
that
upset?

I pictured how distressed she had looked in the car and tried to remember exactly what she'd said. Had she been hinting, asking for help, and I'd been so consumed about Beth that I'd missed it?

I sat down hard on a kitchen stool. She'd tried to tell me and I hadn't heard it. I swallowed hard to keep the vomit down.

“They found her car out at Lighthouse Park. She left her purse and phone on the beach with the note,” my dad explained. “The police found it last night.”

“We saw that in a movie.” My mind spun around trying to remember what it had been called. We used to have these movie marathons in Brit's basement, one film blurring into another. Popcorn and diet soda and Beth's feet in my lap. “The guy left all his stuff and just walked out into the water.” The music had swelled as he kept moving forward until the water went over his head. “Brit loves that kind of drama. But you can't drown that way, can you? She's probably just trying to make a point about how much Jason hurt her. She wants to scare him.”

“Sweetheart, she never came back for her car or her things. Her note was clear about her intentions.” Dad squeezed my hand. “I know you wish this weren't true, and I wish it too, but the facts tell us different. The police believe Britney killed herself by jumping from the Point.”

I waited for both of them to yell they were joking even though I knew they would never make a joke out of something like this. I caught sight of the headline under Britney's picture in the paper.
LOCAL TEEN PRESUMED DEAD
. It came to me in a flash that when Beth heard this news she would rush back immediately. I felt sick and ashamed for even having had the thought. My eyes were burning.

“We're both going to be here for you, whatever you need. I'm going to call into work and stay home with you today,” Mom said. She put her arm around me and squeezed.

“They canceled school?” Once I said it I realized how
stupid that sounded. Britney might be the unofficial queen of the senior class, but they wouldn't close school down just because she was gone.

“I thought you might need some time,” Mom explained. “I know this is a shock.”

“No. I want to go to classes. I want to see Zach.” I wanted things to be like they had been, even if not a single thing felt familiar anymore. Maybe if I acted normal this would all magically turn out to be some kind of giant mistake.

My parents exchanged glances. My mom looked unhappy with my plan.

“Sometimes distraction can be the best thing,” my dad said, taking my side. “And the school is bringing in an additional counselor too, in case kids want to talk.”

“I don't know. . . .” Mom's earrings swayed as she shook her head.

“I think we can trust Kalah to know what's best for her,” Dad said. “If she wants to go, then that's what we're going to support her doing.” He patted my shoulder. “Why don't you take your time and go in a bit late this morning? I'll let the school know. If you change your mind about staying all day, it's no problem. We're going to take our lead from you.”

I got to
school at the end of first period, and as I walked through the halls, everyone moved back a step or two, leaving a space around me. I couldn't really blame them; I
wouldn't know what to say to me either. One of my best friends had run off, and the other had killed herself. I would have avoided myself too if it were possible.

Zach was waiting for me by my locker, like he'd promised when I'd texted. His hair was sticking up in the back and it looked like he hadn't slept. When he spotted me, his eyes softened. I both wanted to throw myself into his arms and to spin around and hide in the girls' bathroom. I already felt like brittle ice, crisscrossed with cracks, on the verge of shattering. I knew Zach. He would want to talk about how I was feeling. He would wrap his arms around me and I could burrow into that warm spot between his neck and shoulder and cry. If I let that happen, I didn't know if I could stop. It was taking every ounce of strength I had to hold it together.

Zach pushed off from the locker and walked toward me, his arms spreading to pull me in. I backed up quickly and rammed into the water fountain. My bag fell from my shoulder and spilled out onto the floor. I dropped to my knees and started gathering everything back up. My hands were shaking. Zach reached down, wanting to pull me up.

“It's okay, Kalah. Just leave it.”

“I can't have them stepping on everything,” I said. I pulled the copy of
Alice in Wonderland
to my chest as if it were a rare relic I'd saved from a horde of wild savages. I shoved everything else back into my bag.

“You're wrinkling up your papers,” Zach said. He
reached for my bag, but I pulled it away.

“I like them wrinkled,” I snarled. Zach stared at me and I couldn't meet his eyes. He dropped down next to me and put a steady hand on my arm.

“I'm so sorry,” Zach said. His eyes were filled with the pain I felt. “I know how upset you must be.”

“You don't know,” I said, but I leaned into the warmth of his touch. “No one knows. No one understands. You don't even like Brit that much.” I willed my eyes not to cry. “You always resented how much time I spent with her and Beth. I know you did.”

Zach didn't get angry. He looked impossibly sad, like a puppy that had been kicked. He touched my hand softly. “Sometimes I wish we spent more time together, and I'm not as close to Beth or Britney as you are, but they're important to you so that makes them important to me,” he said. “Whatever happens, you're not alone.”

But I was alone. Beth was gone and Brit was dead. I forced myself to repeat the thought. Britney was dead.

“I still can't believe it.” Zach shook his head. “Britney never seemed like someone who would do that. Especially not over a guy.”

“It wasn't about Jason. It was about Beth, and everyone knowing.” I whispered. I didn't want to say it too loudly. Saying it at all, even to Zach, felt like a betrayal of the dead. “Brit knew people wanted to knock her off her pedestal.
People wanted to see her fail. I'm pretty sure that's what she couldn't face.”

Zach's forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Everyone loves Britney.”

I shook my head. He didn't get it. Brit was popular and people liked her, but they also envied her. And envy could be dark. It could be dangerous. Apparently, it could kill.

Beth and Brit were best friends, but envy had corroded their friendship. Brit envied Beth's ease with everyone, her ability to take things as they came and not stress about being good enough for anyone other than herself. I knew that, but Beth must have envied Brit too. Maybe the way Brit's family was so engaged with her, how money was never an issue. How Brit always had a plan and knew what she wanted. And I guess she'd envied what Brit had with Jason. Envied it so much, she chose to destroy it. Even though that also meant destroying me.

Beth would be sick when she heard what had happened. No matter how tense things got between her and Brit, no matter what she was doing behind Brit's back, I know she loved Brit too. She'd be devastated by what Brit had done, and probably racked with guilt over her role in it. Maybe that's why Brit had done it. She felt destroyed, so she wanted to destroy Beth too.

I wanted to vomit.

“Ms. Richards?” I jumped, surprised to hear my name. It
was Ms. Eisberg, my English teacher. She passed me a small slip of yellow paper. I took it cautiously, as if it might burn my fingers. “You're wanted down in the guidance office,” she said. “Nothing to worry about. Just come to class when you're done, if you feel up to it.”

I nodded and watched as she ducked into the classroom. I glanced down at the hall pass, hoping it might disappear.

“I'll walk you,” Zach said. He pulled me to my feet and led me down the hall. “My class is on the way to Ms. Harding's.”

Ms. Harding was our school counselor. She was okay, except for the trying too hard. You could tell she really wanted us to like her, to stop by just to chat. She would sometimes stand outside her door with a bowl of Hershey's Kisses and wish each of us a “sweet day” as we rushed past. Someone should have told her that desperation repels. She probably had been waiting a long time for this kind of tragedy. I didn't want to see her.

“You should go. You don't need to get in trouble for being late.” I pressed my hand to Zach's chest and felt the regular thumping of his heart. I wanted my own heart to feel that steady. “I'm sorry I'm being so . . .” I tried to find the words.

“No sorry required.” Zach put a warm hand on either side of my face and kissed me. For a second everything felt like it would be okay. He pulled back and I spotted a small spot of shaving cream by his ear that he must have missed, and it made him seem vulnerable and safe at the same time.
How had I ever risked everything with Zach? He kissed me again, gently on the forehead this time. “I'll find you later,” he promised.

I nodded and watched him lope down the hall. I turned toward the guidance office and ran almost directly into Jason as he was coming out. He looked terrible. His eyes were red and swollen and his clothing was rumpled. His skin was ashen. He was usually completely pulled together, a perfect accessory to Brit, but today he was a mess. He grabbed both of my arms above the elbow.

“You know I loved Brit, don't you?” He pleaded, his fingers digging into my flesh.

I tensed under his grip. Jason glanced down like he hadn't been aware he was touching me. He let go and ran his hands over his short hair. He looked like a junkie coming down from something.

“She killed herself,” Jason said. It didn't sound like the words seemed real to him. I knew the feeling. I'd been so mad at him yesterday, but now it felt like he was the only person who understood the enormity of what was happening. What was lost.

“It's not your fault,” I said. I meant it. As much as I hated how Jason had hurt Brit, I couldn't blame him for falling for Beth. If Brit's death was anyone's fault, it was mine. As the only friend she'd had left, I should have seen it coming. I should have been the one to stop her.

Jason choked out a laugh. “Don't be so sure. They
showed me the note. It's clear. She said this is all my fault. That I ruined her life. That she had no choice but to end it.”

I sucked in a breath. That sounded like Brit. Vindictive to the end. Of course she wouldn't go down without taking a few people with her.

“I never meant to hurt her. I didn't know how to tell her about everything, but I was
going
to. I never wanted her to find out that way. I wasn't trying to be cruel.”

“Does Beth know yet?” I asked. I hadn't been able to bring myself to text her, and I already knew she wouldn't answer if I called. How do you tell someone this type of news in a text?

Jason closed his eyes. “I don't know. I have no idea where Beth is or why she took off.”

“You have to know,” I insisted.

Jason shook his head. He looked down at his feet. “It was never Beth. I sort of let Britney think that because I was too much of a coward to tell her the truth.”

The ice surrounding my heart cracked and melted away. I wanted to cry again, this time from relief. The rumors were untrue. Beth had never been involved. “Who was it?” I said. “You
were
cheating.”