Vicious Carousel (19 page)

“Win.”

“Win doesn’t pay bills.” She fastened her seatbelt.

“You didn’t get here overnight,” Loren reminded her.

“I also don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to.”

* * * *

By the time they pulled into the driveway, Betsy had another e-mail, and this one pulled a long
squee
from her.

“Yeah?” Loren asked.

Betsy held up the phone so Loren could read it. It was from the director of human resources at Michelle’s work, wanting her to come back on Wednesday for a follow-up secondary interview.

“That’s a good sign,” Loren said, handing the phone back. “Meanwhile, you still go to the other interview tomorrow.”

“Definitely.”

Betsy had dinner ready for the guys when they got home. No, they didn’t ask her to do it, she wanted to do it. She’d forgotten how much she liked to cook. Jack had a very specific set of meals he wanted, and that was it. She wasn’t allowed to improvise or experiment. And usually every meal, even though he’d eaten it, he’d find something about it to punish her for.

She was seeing the common theme and growing more and more disgusted with herself over it.

So much she’d allowed to happen. The old frog in cold water analogy. She’d climbed into the pot and he’d turned the heat up slowly.

Cooking for Kenny and Nolan was different in a good way.

A much better way.

They always praised her efforts and tried to do the dishes. More and more, she was doing chores. Not because she had to, but because she wanted to. As she relaxed and realized they were serious about appreciating her efforts, she found herself enjoying the service, even if it wasn’t asked of her.

It made her feel good to do for them when they’d already done so much for her. Because she
wanted
to do for them, not because they asked or expected it of her.

* * * *

Thursday morning, she still hadn’t heard anything back yet from the place she’d interviewed on Tuesday. Eliza had just picked her up to head to their self-defense class when Betsy’s phone rang.

The funny thing was, it took her a minute to realize what the noise was. She hadn’t done a lot of talking on it, mostly texting, and the tone confused her.

Then she realized who it was—Kenny’s mom—and answered.

“Hi, Mom.”

Michelle laughed. “Just make sure you don’t call me that here in the office. Congratulations, honey. They picked you and let me make the call. You start Monday morning.”

Her heart hammered in her throat. “Really?”

“Really. Welcome back to the real world.”

When Betsy got off the phone with her five minutes later, she realized they were still sitting parked in the driveway, Eliza hanging on her every word.

Betsy burst into tears. “I got it! I got the job!”

Eliza laughed, hugging her. “Oh, honey, I was afraid those were bad tears for a second. Call Tilly, right now! I need to get us to class.”

Tilly nearly burst Betsy’s eardrum shouting for joy when she gave her the good news. And then they were at class and Betsy didn’t have time for anything else except learning how to defend herself.

Michelle had volunteered—refusing any money—to give Betsy rides to and from work for the next two weeks. After that, she’d accept gas money from Betsy, but wanted Betsy to sit down and work out her future budget, including savings, so she could plan for a car.

She was so excited that when Eliza pulled into the men’s driveway after class, Betsy realized she hadn’t even told them the news yet.

She hugged Eliza and bolted from the car, running inside to tell them.

Apparently, they already knew. Kenny wore a beaming grin as he turned from where he stood at the stove, cooking, and held his arms open for a hug.

Betsy ran to him, throwing herself at him.

“Mom already called me. I figured you were in class. Congratulations.”

“Thank you!”

“Don’t thank me. Mom said you interviewed better than anyone else, and you already had many of the skills and experience they were looking for compared to the other candidates. You earned it.”

“I mean for everything.”

Nolan ran into the kitchen. “There’s our girl!”

He hugged her, and for a minute it was too easy to envision rising up on her toes and kissing him, kissing Kenny, too.

They all went silent, staring at each other.

“Um, we got you cake,” Kenny finally said. “Black forest.”

Aaaand the mood was broken.

“Thank you!” She settled for giving them both quick pecks on the cheeks before going to grab a quick shower to rinse off.

Now she’d have to shift into a different gear in her life, back into the workforce while figuring out what to do about Kenny and Nolan.

Because letting them walk out of her life once she was back on her feet was feeling less and less like a good option every day.

* * * *

Nolan listened for the sound of her bedroom door closing. Yes, he was happy for her. Yes, he wanted her to get her life back.

But more and more, he wanted to find a way to let that happen while the two of them stayed a fixture
in
her life.

The two of them looked at each other. “I don’t want to lose her,” Nolan admitted.

“Neither do I,” Kenny said. “But first she has to find herself.”

Except for the classes with Eliza, and going to the counsellor, which now happened on Tuesday evenings, the next four weeks of Betsy’s life were mostly filled with learning her new job, making friends with some of the people she now worked with, and doing whatever it was Tilly and the others had lined up for her on the weekends. Twice she’d gone shooting with Gabe, June, and Laura, although she would admit she wasn’t comfortable with a handgun the way the other three women were.

She almost felt better with the self-defense techniques she was learning in class with Eliza.

Brooke had taken her to learn archery twice. She’d enjoyed that far more than she had the act of shooting, although being with her friends, even at the gun range, was still something she enjoyed.

Jack was still stuck in jail and slowly winding his way through the judicial system. The state attorney’s office hadn’t offered him a plea deal yet, wanting him to sit a little longer before they did so he’d have a good taste of what life might be like for him if he didn’t get it over with and accept a shorter sentence in exchange for a guilty plea.

And then there was Kenny and Nolan.

A couple of times, they’d gone out to Venture, asking her if she wanted to go.

Before, she’d said no.

She didn’t know why, but wanted to puzzle it out first.

That was when it finally hit her.

The men had been nothing but sweet, kind, protective, caring.

And she wanted more.

A lot more.

She’d even been pulling back a little over the past week, afraid of throwing herself at them. While Tilly had been hinting to her that getting involved with the men, now that she was getting her life back together, wasn’t a bad thing, Betsy knew the truth.

She wanted them. She needed to be honest with them and tell them that.

And she needed to move out.

She couldn’t have it both ways. Not yet. Not now. She could stay there with them platonically forever and never make any progress. Or she could finally reclaim her life…

Including her power to choose who she wanted to be with.

But she wouldn’t mire herself in a live-in relationship again yet. Not until she’d been on her own first. And she’d already called Kel and talked to him about what it would take to rent the apartment. She could afford it.

With Jack safely in jail, her safety wasn’t an issue anymore.

That Saturday, her friends hadn’t planned her schedule for her. The men were eating breakfast when she got up and walked out to join them.

“Are you going to Venture tonight?” she asked.

They shared a glance, but nodded. “Yeah,” Nolan said. “Want to come with us?”

She took a deep breath. “Yes. But I want to play.”

* * * *

Kenny felt a cold ball of fear rolling around in his gut. “Play with who?” he asked.

She frowned as if she didn’t understand his question at first. “You guys,” she finally said. “I mean…” Her face turned pink with embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” she softly said. “I thought maybe—”

“Yes,” he quickly said, feeling like an idiot. “Sorry. For a minute there, I thought you meant you wanted to play with someone else.”

From the sound of the relieved breath Nolan exhaled, he felt a little better that he hadn’t been alone in his initial confusion.

“No way in hell would I play with anyone but you two,” she said. “I’m going car shopping next week after work with Mom. So that’s getting done.” She rested her hands on the table. “And I’ve talked to Kel about renting the apartment from him.”

The cold ball of fear returned. “Why?”

She met his gaze. “One of our rules is not lying to each other, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I care for you both. A lot. And not just as friends. More. But I know that I need to stand on my own two feet again. I’m at the point now where I want to reclaim all of my life. My ability to choose. If you both want to, I want to be play partners with you. And…more.”

“More?” He and Nolan asked in unison.

“More.” She looked to Nolan, then back to him. “If you guys want to.”

He reached across the table and clasped her hand. “You don’t have to move out to have us as play partners, or more than play partners.”

“I know I don’t have to. But I
need
to. I know it might sound illogical. And if I tell Tilly my plan and she tells me I’m wrong, then yeah, I’ll rethink it. Two months ago, I thought I was stuck in hell with no hope of escaping. I feel like that was all some horrible nightmare that if I close my eyes long enough, it’ll turn out that’s all it was. And that’s good and it’s bad.”

Nolan had slipped his fingers around her other hand as she talked, but he didn’t interrupt her either.

“It’s good, because it means I’m not stuck there anymore. It’s bad, because it would be too easy to forget how bad it was, or what got me there in the first place. I can’t let that happen. I also don’t want to get stuck in a snug little rut here, not taking chances, but not able to really take the next step.”

He knew he’d always fall prisoner to her blue eyes, different, lighter in shade than Nolan’s and just as gorgeous.

“I would like to get myself to the point where I can one day look you both in the eyes and say I feel ready to be a slave again. Right now, I can’t honestly tell you guys that. Bottoming, yes. Hell, I miss a good play session with someone I trust. But if I haven’t been reading you guys wrong, and you’re both attracted to me, too, then the only way I can make sure I’m going to be giving you the best me I can, the healthiest me I can, is to be on my own again for a while. And while I do that, the three of us can figure out where to go from there. Together.”

She squeezed their hands.

“What if you want to date someone else?” Kenny asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“That’s just the point—I don’t
want
to date anyone else. I want to date you two. I trust you guys. So if we’re ever going to see what might be possible, that can’t happen unless I’m moving on and moving forward.”

* * * *

She hoped she wasn’t making a mess of things. In her brain, it had sounded logical.

From the unhappy looks on their faces, though, she could tell they weren’t pleased.

“So you want us to get closer…by moving out?” Nolan asked.

Okay, not so much.
“Look at it this way,” she tried again. “Not permanently. I might rent Kel’s for a few months and then decide no, I don’t want to be away from you guys. But I can’t figure that out unless I see. I need this time. I love you both, and…”

She realized what she’d said when the men’s heads snapped up, their eyes on her.

“Love-love?” Kenny asked.

“Honesty, right?”

“Yeah,” Nolan said, sounding hoarse. “Honesty.”

“I need to move out because I’m in love with you both and I need to make sure I’m in love with you because that’s how I really feel, or because of the situation. If I move out and still feel the same about you two—or stronger—then I’ll know it’s real and we can talk about what’s next.”

Kenny got up and rounded the table. She turned, Nolan next to her, Kenny now kneeling in front of her. “If you’re going to do this, then I want a change,” Kenny said.

“What?”

He pointed to her necklace. “That now becomes a collar of protection. Our collar on you. And we’ll honor it and our commitment to you as long as you do, too.”

“And we won’t force you to wear it,” Nolan said. “And, obviously, it’s symbolic, not like if you’re taking it off for class or whatever. And if you ask us to end this, we part as friends and do so amicably. Because it would break my heart to lose you as my friend.”

She hugged him. “Me, too.” She hugged Kenny. “Yes, I accept it as a collar from you both, a collar of protection.”

His gaze looked intense, hungry. “Hard limits?”

“Yeah,” she said. “We need to talk about those.”

“Kissing?”

“What?”

“Kissing. Is that a hard limit, or can we kiss you?”

They’d kissed her and she’d kissed them plenty of times, but as she processed the desire in his expression, she realized he meant more than just the chaste cheek-pecks, or quick brushes in passing of lips over lips.

“Kissing’s allowed.”

Kenny reached out, grabbed her, and laid a soul-searing kiss on her that nearly made her come right there. Long, volcanic, a kiss better than any she’d ever had in her entire life.

When he released her she’d barely had time to draw in a breath when Nolan grabbed her. His kiss was different than Kenny’s and equally as good. If they could kiss this damn good, she suspected the future held even better things for her.

When Nolan finally released her, she felt shaky in a good way.