Violated (31 page)

“Do you have a job yet?”

Tim had been there less than ten minutes, and Russ already wanted to punch him. He’d seen how many job applications Derek had been submitting. Not a goddamn one of them had resulted in an interview, thanks to Victor getting him fired “for cause.” That was the kiss of death in the corporate world—or so Derek told him. It also meant Derek couldn’t collect unemployment.

“No,” Derek replied coolly, “I don’t have a job yet.”

Tim looked delighted at this small victory, after his attempt to show off the new boyfriend had obviously fizzled. “So how do you intend to pay it? I’m sure as hell not going to.”

Derek glared at him, but he seemed to be having trouble coming up with an answer, so Russ said, “If you let the mortgage default, your credit will be hosed as much as Derek’s.”

“I know that,” Tim snarled. “But I don’t live here. I never wanted this little…
shack
to begin with.” He waved a finger in Derek’s face. “I want off of this mortgage!”

Derek responded through gritted teeth. “You know goddamn well I can’t buy you out, and no one’s gonna let me refinance until I’m working again.”

“Dude,” the twink—Russ had already forgotten his name—said, “they’re hiring down at Café Croissant in Portsmouth. I could put in a good word for you—I slept with the manager a few times.”

All eyes turned to look at him.

“What?” he asked. “He’s pretty hot.”

“Thanks,” Derek said darkly. “I might take you up on that.”

It was infuriating, the way Tim smirked at him. Russ wanted to slap that smirk off his arrogant face. Even though the kid had obviously been trying to help, Russ knew there were a number of problems with Derek applying for jobs like barista and waitstaff, not the least of which was that most of those places
never
hired people who’d been making as much as Derek had. They knew he wouldn’t be happy with the kind of wages only college students could scrape by on. If he did manage to land the job, he’d have to avoid putting it on his résumé and hope nobody he interviewed with later had seen him waiting tables. Corporations did not hire men who’d fallen from grace. The assumption was, if he was any good, he wouldn’t have been reduced to that.

So much for America not having a class system.

“Don’t make me get a lawyer, Derek,” Tim said.

That was the last straw. Russ couldn’t stand the sight of him one minute longer. He slammed his mug down on the counter, causing everyone to jump. “You fuckin’ do that, you piece-of-shit jackass!”

“Russ….” Derek began, and the twink gasped “Whoa, dude!” but Russ was focused entirely on Tim’s face, now wide-eyed with fear as the cop advanced on him.

“You signed a legally binding contract for this cabin, moron. You can’t get out of the mortgage by threatening him. The only way you can get out of it is by refinancing with just Derek’s name on the new mortgage. Until such time as Derek is able to work a refinance deal,
you
, my sorry friend, are legally bound to pay the mortgage if Derek can’t afford to.”

“I won’t!” Tim practically screamed as he backed toward the door.

The twink had inserted himself between Tim and Russ, and he had his hands up in a cajoling manner. “Dude! Calm down!”

Russ ignored him, not particularly caring whether he bumped into the kid or not as he continued to press forward. He just wanted Tim out of the cabin.
Now
. “Then your credit’s gonna be hosed. Suck it up! Or pay your fair share—which you haven’t been doing for the past two months, by the way. So by my count, you owe Derek at least one full payment.”

“Russ!” Derek shouted.

But Russ had boiled over, and he was still feeling the heat burning underneath his skin. “So why don’t you and your little friend get the fuck out of here, before I
really
get pissed!”

That’s all it took for Tim to bolt out the door with a final “Fuck both of you!”

The twink paused at the open door and fished in his back pocket for something, at last coming up with a business card. He held it out to Russ. “Can you just give your friend this? You know, if he wants the job?”

Russ took the card, his anger subsiding a little. It was a cheap card, obviously printed on a home inkjet printer and cut by hand. It had nothing more than the name “Evan” on it and a phone number.
Slick
. “Uh… sure.”

“Thanks!” Then Evan winked at him. “You can both call me.”

“Evan!” Tim shouted from outside.

Evan darted out.

What a piece of work
, Russ thought. Tim deserved him.

Feeling a certain level of satisfaction for chasing Tim out, Russ turned to Derek with a grin on his face. But Derek wasn’t smiling back at him. He was glaring, and his face was beet red.

Oh shit
….

“What… the
fuck
… was
that
?”

Russ wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong. He frantically tried to rewind the whole scene in his head, but there wasn’t time. Derek stood and walked toward him, balling his hands into fists.
Is he gonna hit me?
“I thought he was pissing you off….”

“So you took it upon yourself to protect me from him?”

“Yes.”

“Goddammit, Russ!” Derek snapped. “Am I really that pathetic?”

Russ stared at him in shock. “Who said anything—”

“You don’t think I can handle somebody like
Tim
?” He said the name with contempt. “He’s a
child
. He’s the least intimidating man I know. I could lift him with one hand!”

“Sorry.”

“No,” Derek said, shaking his head vehemently. “This isn’t just about him. You’re always protecting me—from him, from Victor, from being alone, from dealing with the police, from my bills….”

This was beginning to sound like a breakup speech, and it was freaking Russ out. “What’s wrong with that? I thought you wanted it. I thought you
needed
it!”

Derek made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and turned to go back to the kitchenette. There, he paused, setting his hands on the edge of the bar. “You make me feel… weak.”

“I don’t want you to feel weak, Derek. I’m just tryin’ to help you get through this.”

“I’m not gonna get
through
it,” Derek said grimly. “Don’t you understand? This isn’t something I’ll come out of on the other side and be healed. I’m stuck with what Victor did to me from now until the day I die. Nothing’s ever gonna change that.”

Russ approached him cautiously, afraid if he moved too fast, Derek would start yelling or, worse, run away. “It’s only been five months. You need to give yourself more time.”

Derek shook his head again. “What I need to do is
toughen up
! I’m sick of being weak! I’m sick of you coddling me! It’s disgusting!”

“I’m just trying to look out for you! We’re boyfriends, aren’t we? We should take care of each other.”

“
Boyfriends
?” Derek whirled on him. “How are we
boyfriends
? We’re just friends who share a bed! Do you even know what my dick looks like? I sure as hell haven’t ever seen
yours
!”

“You wanna know what my dick looks like?” Russ asked angrily. He yanked open his fly and shoved his jeans and boxers down to his knees. “There you go!”

It was the wrong thing to do. He could see that instantly by the way Derek’s face blanched. Derek took a step back as if bracing for an attack.

As if bracing for an
assault
.

“I’m sorry,” Russ said hurriedly, reaching for his pants. The jeans and underwear waistbands tangled and made it hard for him to pull them up, but he managed it awkwardly.

Derek turned away, balling his hands into fists while he appeared to be struggling with his breathing. Eventually he gasped, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep letting you take care of me, pretending we’re in a relationship, when I can’t offer you anything in return.”

“Relationships aren’t just about
sex
, Derek,” Russ told him.

“I know. But that’s part of the equation, and it’s a part I can’t deliver.” He sounded calm now, but it wasn’t reassuring. There was something in the way his shoulders slumped forward over the bar, something beaten. He sighed and added, “I know you just want to help me, Russ, and I appreciate it. But I’m too dependent on you. You do everything for me, you keep trying to make sure nothing upsets me, and now you’re even
supporting
me. You can’t afford that.”

“It’s not that big a deal,” Russ lied. Paying Derek’s utility bills on top of his own was beginning to put a strain on his finances. He had some money in savings, but he’d had to dip into it last week. Police officers just didn’t make that much.

“What about when the mortgage comes due?” Derek asked. “Do you really think Tim’s gonna pay for it? Or were you planning on paying it yourself?”

Russ couldn’t answer him. He
had
been thinking of paying it, even though it would wipe out his savings. And he’d been secretly freaking out about what would happen in February, when he’d no longer have any extra cash on hand.

“I don’t like what I’m turning into,” Derek continued. “A kept boy you can’t even fuck. I’m losing what little respect I have left for myself.”

“What do you want me to do?” Russ already knew the answer, and he dreaded hearing it.

“I need you to leave.”

C
HRISTMAS
WAS
miserable, but Derek knew he had no one to blame but himself—well, himself and the crappy weather. The heavy snow on Thanksgiving had dwindled down to nothing, thanks to a fairly warm December. Christmas Day was in the fifties, and it was pouring rain. But his pride had sent Russ away. It had been over a week and a half, and Russ had respected his desire to spend some time alone. The problem was, Derek didn’t really want to be alone. He wanted to be with Russ. But he hated the way he leaned on Russ, the way Russ took care of him as if he were a child. He knew Russ just wanted what was best for him, but all this…
babying
… just felt wrong. It made him feel sad and pathetic, and he hated it.

At the same time, he had no idea if separating for a while was the right way to handle it. He certainly didn’t feel any better about things. He still couldn’t find a job—not even after breaking down and filling out an application for Café Croissant. Evan’s attempts to hook up with Derek when they talked on the phone had been tedious, and his recommendation to the manager hadn’t been enough to land Derek an interview.

So the only thing Derek had accomplished was to make himself feel isolated and lonely. He and Russ had planned to spend the morning together and exchange gifts, then head over to Shannon’s for Christmas dinner. Derek didn’t have a big budget—his bank account was down to about a hundred dollars now—but he’d bought Russ a couple of movies on Blu-Ray.

They sat on the bar now, wrapped in cheap Christmas paper. Derek had hoped Russ might swing by in the morning, but he didn’t. Around noon, he heard Russ’s SUV pull out of the driveway.

“Looks like it’s just us,” he told Gracie glumly.

I’m such an idiot
.

He’d picked up some large dog “bones” made of some organic substance that was supposed to be more digestible than rawhide—he didn’t want a repeat of the Great Rawhide Upchucking Incident of 2009—so he gave one to Gracie and sat on the couch with a cup of instant hot chocolate and a bag of store-bought Christmas cookies. He didn’t have a tree or any decorations. He’d been planning to get some with Russ, but of course, that hadn’t happened. He did have his laptop, so he watched some Christmas movies on YouTube.

And that was Christmas at the Sawyer house that year.

R
USS
HAD
a slightly better Christmas, but not by much. He’d bought Derek a present—not a cappuccino maker, but something Derek really needed if he was going to spend a winter in the cabin. But it had been expensive. Now he was afraid to give it to him. Derek would be annoyed at the expense and accuse him of being overprotective again. So as much as it killed him to do so, Russ avoided going to Derek’s cabin that morning and drove over to Shannon’s as soon as he could.

Being around his sister and Bill lifted his spirits a bit, and it was delightful to watch Jacob exclaim over his presents. The main toy Russ had bought his nephew was a robotic dinosaur that claimed to be for kids five and up. He was a little dismayed to discover just how much noise the toy made, between the motors when it moved and the T-Rex roar when Jacob pressed another button on the remote.

“That’s going to drive you crazy,” he told Bill and Shannon. He was afraid they’d never invite him to Christmas again.

Bill snorted and said, “They all do that. Every toy for kids is spastic and loud these days.”

“You should hear the cartoons he watches,” Shannon added, rolling her eyes.

Russ
had
heard the cartoons. He hated them.

As far as Jacob was concerned, the dinosaur was
awesome
! He played with it all day long, roaring right along with it. And that was, after all, the reason Russ had bought it. So, yay! He’d racked up some favorite uncle points.

But he was acutely aware of Derek’s absence all day long. Not much was said about it until evening. Shannon and Bill were well aware that Derek had asked for some time apart—Shannon had gotten more than one miserable phone call about it. But after Jacob had been put to bed and Bill had served everyone a glass of his homemade eggnog with liberal doses of rum and bourbon, Shannon brought the topic up.

“Have you seen him today?”

“No,” Russ answered unhappily.

“Not even to wish each other Merry Christmas?”

“No.”

“Shannon,” Bill warned. “Leave him alone.”

She raised her eyebrows. “I’m just concerned. I’m concerned about both of them.” She took a sip of her eggnog and added, “I went through this myself, back then.”