Waiting for Morning (11 page)

“Sounds lovely.”

Tom stifled a grin. “You don’t like her, do you?”

Hannah was silent.

“ ‘Are you an actress?’ ” Tom mimicked. “Come on, Hannah. You were pretty obvious that day.”

She lifted her chin. “I don’t have anything against her.”

“Oh, okay. If you say so.”

“I don’t.”

“Now, Hannah. You weren’t just a little jealous?”

“Of her?
Please
, Tom. Give me some credit.”

There was silence again.

Tom sighed. “You know I kinda wish you were jealous.”

Hannah ignored that. “What really matters isn’t what I think of Amy, it’s what you think of her.” She waited. “You must love her.”

Tom exhaled slowly through pursed lips. “I don’t know. I did love her, sometimes I think I still do. But every time I imagine spending my life with her, I end up thinking about …” His
voice trailed off and he caught Hannah’s gaze. “Did you get my letter last month?”

“Yeah. I didn’t know what to write back. It seemed like you were remembering how things used to be.”

“Kind of.”

She studied him. “Want the truth?”

“Okay.”

“After I got that letter, I wondered if you were really happy.”

Tom sighed again. “When did you grow up and get so smart, Hannah?” She grinned, and his eyes grew softer. “And so beautiful.”

For once, she didn’t know what to say.

“Mom tells me every time you have a date. She says you haven’t found the right guy yet.”

Hannah blushed and glanced down at her trembling hands.

“I don’t know, everything seems all mixed up. I’m engaged to a girl who isn’t even interested in the Lord, when you’re right here, my bestest buddy, all grown up and totally devoted to God. Don’t you ever wonder how come you and I didn’t get together?”

Hannah’s eyes narrowed and a million memories came to mind. “Sometimes.”

“How did everything get so twisted?”

She shivered, partly from the night air and partly from the direction their conversation was taking.

“Cold?” Tom looked concerned.

“A little.”

He held out his arm. “Come here.”

She moved closer and leaned against him. The chill was gone immediately.

He rested his chin on the top of her head. “You know something? These last three years at college I’ve really missed you.”

“Maybe you just miss being a kid.”

“We had fun, didn’t we?”

She could feel him looking at her, and she knew he was
going to kiss her. Finally, when she could no longer stand it, she looked up into his eyes.

“Hannah,” he whispered. Then the moment she’d dreamed of all her life happened. As though it had been destined since before they were born, they came together in a single kiss—one that was slow and filled with every good feeling Hannah had ever known.

When they pulled away, Tom looked startled. “I’m sorry.” He was breathless, and she could feel his heart beating wildly against her chest. “I’m so confused right now.”

“I’m not a little kid anymore, Tom.”

He shook his head, and she thought she saw tears in his eyes. “I know. That’s the problem. Ever since you walked into my house that day in that silky dress … you know, at my graduation party.” He studied her for a moment. “Ever since then I’ve wondered about whether we’d …”

“Mhmm.” She smiled sadly.

“You, too?”

“Yeah. I’ve wondered.”

“But then I met Amy and …”

“And what?”

“I guess we’ll never know.”

“What?”
Hannah jerked away. Of
course
he knew. He’d kissed her, after all!

“Well—” Tom drew back a bit and looked nervous—“I mean … I
am
getting married …”

“I don’t see a ring on your finger yet.”

“Yeah, but Hannah … everything’s all set. I don’t know …”

“That’s a cop-out, Tom.”

“A cop-out?”

“Yes! You’re not married yet. Break it off.”

He chuckled softly. “You don’t know Amy.”

She put her hands on Tom’s shoulders and shook him. “Listen to you! You don’t marry someone because you’re afraid of what’ll happen if you break up.”

He gazed at Hannah thoughtfully and sighed. “I know. There’s more to it than that.”

She waited a beat and dropped her hands. “So, you do love her.” It wasn’t a question.

Tom shrugged. “I have a lot to work out, I guess. Come on, let’s get back in.”

Tears formed in her eyes. “Don’t do it, Tom. Don’t marry her.”

“Hannah …”

She was unashamed of her tears as they spilled onto her cheeks. “Don’t marry her.”

“Hannah, please.” He pulled her close and cradled her head against his chest. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

He paused, and she knew he could feel her body jerking quietly as she cried.

“Come on, Hannah. What happened to my bestest buddy?”

Hannah pulled away, anger sweeping over her, and met his gaze straight on. “She grew up.” With that she wiped her eyes, sniffed once, and stormed back into the church. She didn’t talk to Tom again. A month later she heard he was going ahead with the wedding.

Stricken with pain so severe she could hardly breathe when she thought about it, Hannah turned to her best protection—anger. She harbored a grudge against Tom the size of a mountain. How could he make such a horrible decision? Especially after that night at church? She had kissed him, bared her heart to him, and still he had chosen Amy.

As the day of the wedding drew near, Hannah vowed to stay home and avoid Tom whatever the cost. The event was scheduled to take place the first week in June at Knollwood Country Club in Granada Hills, just five miles from the West Valley neighborhood where Tom and Hannah grew up.

In the weeks before the wedding, an invitation arrived at Hannah’s house. Her mother responded, stating that all but Hannah would attend. At about the same time, Hannah graduated from Cal State Northridge, and Tom was one of more than
a hundred people who attended her graduation party. Hannah felt him watching her from a distance that night, but she ignored him. When he approached to congratulate her, she turned abruptly and began a conversation with someone else.

She had a right to her anger. He had broken her heart, and she would never forgive him.

The day before Tom’s wedding, Hannah’s parents were at work and she was staging a cleaning frenzy, doing her best not to think about Tom and Amy, when the doorbell rang. She set down the window cleaner and headed for the door.

“Coming!” She stretched and ran her fingers absently through her hair. It was unusually hot and sticky for June, and as she made her way through the house, Hannah thought about driving to the beach that evening. Maybe there she could sort out her feelings.

She opened the door and caught her breath. It was Tom, dressed in worn jeans and a white T-shirt, looking desperately troubled.

Hannah felt her expression go cold, and before he could speak, she slammed the door shut.

He stopped the door with his hand and pushed it open again. “Wait!”

Hannah’s hand flew to her hip and she glared at him. “Go away, Tom. I have nothing to say to you.”

He sighed. “Hannah, will you stop trying to hate me for one minute. I came here to tell you something.”

“Say it. I have things to do.”

Tom drew a deep breath and rubbed his palms on his jeans. “May I come in?”

She exhaled dramatically. “I guess.” She stepped aside, and he followed her into the foyer.

They stood face to face, studying each other. Finally Tom broke the silence.

“It’s off.” His voice was breathless, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

Hannah frowned. “What?”

“The wedding … I called it off this morning.”

Her eyes grew wide. “The day before—?”

He held up a hand. “I know, it’s crazy. But it would’ve been crazier to marry her.”

“What did your parents say?” Hannah was so shocked she forgot her anger.

“They were glad I realized it today and not tomorrow.”

“What about the …”

“My parents are contacting the guests. Amy and her folks are flying back to San Francisco tonight.”

Hannah softened. “She must be furious.”

“Yeah, you could say that. She thinks I ruined her life.”

“Ooooh boy. I’d never forgive you.”

Tom grinned. “Yeah, I know. You haven’t talked to me since that night.… Of course, I should have remembered that from when we were kids.”

Hannah was afraid to break the silence that followed, but she had to know. “Why’d you change your mind?”

Tom moved closer to Hannah. He raised his hands and framed her face with his fingertips. “I couldn’t marry her, Hannah.” He hesitated, and she knew if he didn’t say something soon her heart would beat out of her chest.

He looked at her intently. “I couldn’t. Not when the only girl I’ve ever really loved—” he moved closer still—“is you. I didn’t know it until today, when I realized what would happen after tomorrow. I’d lose you forever.… I couldn’t marry Amy after that.” His eyes searched hers, looking for her reaction. “Hannah, I love you.”

In that instant, she knew her prayers had not been uttered in vain. Indeed, God had seen to it that everything had turned out exactly as she had planned. In his timing, not hers.

Tom stroked her face. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I should have broken it off months ago. Then you wouldn’t be so mad at me.” He tenderly took her hand in his. “Still hate me?”

Hannah felt tears spring to her eyes. A single laugh escaped, and she pushed at him in mock frustration. “I should hate you forever, you big brat.”

“Forever?” Tom grinned.

“Yeah—” Hannah heard the laughter leave her voice—“for waiting to the last minute to realize what I’ve known all my life.”

He caught her around the waist and pulled her close. “I know. But now … can you forgive me, Hannah?”

She paused. “It depends …”

Slowly, he moved his face closer to hers and kissed her as he had so many months ago at the church. A minute passed before he spoke again. “On what?”

She kissed him this time, and when she caught her breath she knew the grudge was gone. “On what you have in mind.” She grinned.

He pulled away, and Hannah had never seen him look more serious. “Marriage. Children. Forever.” He kissed her again. “I want to spend my life with you.”

They were married that summer, and by Christmas, Hannah was pregnant with Alicia. Jenny came along two years later, and Hannah nearly bled to death in childbirth. There was considerable risk that she would not survive another pregnancy, so she and Tom agreed that their family was complete. God had blessed them mightily They could get on with raising their girls, and then one day they would share a long and happy retirement together.

At least, that was how it was supposed to be.

In the days after Tom’s death, when weariness wore her defenses down, Hannah searched for reasons why God had taken Tom and Alicia. What had she ever done to deserve such punishment? Why her? Why, when God had brought her and Tom together in the first place, would he take her husband and leave her so desperately alone?

It was easier to ignore such questions—easier to ignore God, for that matter. She had prayed to him, served him, and loved him all her life. She thought she knew God, but apparently not. He had given her a past filled with sunshine and left her with a future full of darkness. Because of that, Hannah wasn’t sure she wanted to know the Lord anymore. She had nothing to say to him. Anything she might ask him for was already gone forever.

In her other life, the one she lived before the collision, Hannah often fell asleep praying. These days she did not find comfort in prayer. How could she? While she passed the time in a blur of tears and rage and vivid memories, Brian Wesley remained free on bail. Three weeks passed from the time of the accident while detectives gathered evidence and criminalists studied the man’s blood sample, finally determining that he had been driving with a blood alcohol level of .24—three times the legal limit.

Since Hannah was not praying, she filled her mind the only way she knew how. She remembered. Nights were the worst. She missed Tom so much it threatened to kill her.

She physically ached to touch him once more, to hold him and kiss him and tuck her feet under his legs as she had always done before falling asleep. She would toss and turn in the empty queen-size bed, finding solace only by drifting back to the beginning. Tom at nine years old, shooting baskets in his driveway; she and Tom racing their bikes down the street, the wind in their hair on some endless, golden summer day; Tom alive and young and handsome at his graduation party, seeing her in a dress for the first time; Tom making her heart beat funny every time he was near.…

It was the same every night, one memory after another, as if by remembering, she could somehow bring him home to her. Back where he belonged.

Where he had always belonged.

Nine

Her people fell into enemy hands, there was no one to help her
.

L
AMENTATIONS
1:7
B

Drunk driving laws in the state of California were clear. If a person had a blood alcohol level of .08 or higher, he would be charged with drunk driving. What wasn’t clear was the punishment exacted for the offense. A drunk driver could face anything from a one hundred dollar fine to several years in prison, depending on a list of variables. That list included whether the person had prior convictions, and especially whether the drunk driver was involved in an accident that resulted in the death or serious injuries of others.

Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney Matthew J. Bronzan was assigned the case against Brian Wesley more than four weeks after the accident that killed Tom and Alicia Ryan. Drunk driving was his specialty, and he had requested this case. Now, on this October morning as he mulled over a stack of documents and crime scene photos, he was beset by a range of conflicting emotions. He grieved for the family who had been shattered by this man’s selfish actions. Brian Wesley was a convicted drunk driver, a man with a history of getting behind the wheel and driving intoxicated. This angered the prosecutor greatly. Dealing with the senselessness of drunk driving deaths always did.