Wandering Heart (9781101561362) (18 page)

Audrey shrugged. “He didn’t say much, did he? It all seems to depend on the test results. Did you hear something different?”

“We have to wait for the results, that’s true. But he did say he suspects we’ll need to go the full route, with intense treatments. I think he just wants the tests to confirm it.”

There was a small chance their challenges weren’t that extreme and the problem could be addressed with the help of local doctors, with drugs and hormone therapy. But that hope was slim. Rob was right, as usual. They pretty much knew the answer they’d get.

“I know we don’t know for sure yet, honey,” he went on. “But we ought to talk about possibilities. If we need to go the major fertility treatment route, it would make a big impact on our life. We would probably want you to be treated in Boston, and you’ll need to be close
to the doctor’s office. During some phases of the treatment, you have to see the doctor every day.”

“I know that,” Audrey said calmly. “I figured I would have to stay over in the city when we get to that part. Maybe I can stay at my sister’s house. She doesn’t live that far out.”

“Maybe,” Rob said, though his tone was doubtful.

Audrey could guess his concerns. Her sister lived in Belmont, which was thirty to forty minutes from the city. So it was definitely close enough, but it would be odd staying over more than a night or two. The house wasn’t very large, and Audrey would have to sleep on a pullout couch in the living room.

Rob was quiet for a moment. He was done with his dinner and pushed aside the plate. “You would be gone weeks at a time, honey. What about your work here? You know this place needs two of us to run it. We could hire someone to take over your work, but I’m not sure we could afford that and the treatments, too.”

“Yes, I know the fertility treatments are expensive, but you do wind up with a baby,” she reminded him. “Or,” she said more honestly, “there’s a good chance that we will. I know nothing’s guaranteed.” She sighed. It was hard to ask the question but she had to. “You do still want a baby, right? I mean, what the doctor said, about how hard it might be for us, that didn’t change your mind, did it?”

Rob looked alarmed at her question, then took her hand. “Of course I want a baby, as much as ever. We’re in this together, sweetheart. I’m just sorry that I can’t share more of the physical burden with you. Especially hearing all you might have to go through.” He squeezed her hand. “We will have a baby, honey. Don’t worry. That’s going to happen for us. Nothing can change my mind. It’s something we’ve both wanted for a long time and it will be worth any sacrifice. Right?”

She nodded, feeling on the verge of tears. She was so weepy lately. She didn’t know what was wrong with her, especially when they got into this subject.

“We just have to figure it all out,” he continued. “We have to be realistic about it—about where you would get the treatments, what it will cost, and how this will all work out with us running the farm. That’s all I’m trying to say.”

Audrey nodded. She didn’t know the answer to any of those questions. “I guess we should check with the insurance company. Maybe some of this is covered?”

“I did. They don’t give much for fertility issues under our plan. We went for the no-frills coverage, remember?”

When they both worked in the city, she as a nurse and Rob as an accountant in a big firm, they had excellent health coverage. But once they went into business for themselves, they had skimped on insurance. They were relatively young and in good health, so they decided not to pay for a lot of coverage they would never use. Which had turned out to be the correct guess—with this sole exception.

“I’m just not sure how we’re going to afford everything, honey. The farm is doing all right, for a new business. But you know what the books look like some months. One unexpected vet bill blows us out of the water. If you have to stay in Boston for weeks at a time, not only will I miss you, but who will do your chores? No one’s going to do it for free.”

Audrey felt an aching hollowness in her heart. “You’re saying that we might have to give up the farm?”

“Audrey, I’m sorry, honey. Maybe it’s too early to even talk about this. But I’ve looked at the costs and our finances. I don’t think we can pursue fertility treatments
and
run the farm, too. Even if we could somehow scrape by and worked twenty-four seven to hold it
together while you were working on the baby project, do we really want to start a family feeling so economically unstable, possibly in debt?”

In more debt than they already carried,
she knew he meant.

Audrey held her hands under the table so Rob wouldn’t see them trembling. She knew fertility treatments were expensive. She just hadn’t stopped to work out the math—or look at what these choices might really cost them.

Rob reached for her hand, and she felt hers stop trembling in his strong grip. “Giving up the farm would be the very last option. We can try to get a loan or a second mortgage, but I’m not sure we’d qualify. We don’t have much equity here yet. We can try to lease out the land, but that would have to cover our mortgage.”

“It wouldn’t be as bad as having to sell the place,” Audrey said quickly. “But we’d have to do something with the goats, I guess.”

“The goats are an asset. I’m sure we can sell them.”

“Sell them? Do we have to? Can’t we put them in storage or something?” She was half joking but half serious, too. The goats were like pets to her. She knew them all by name and knew their personalities—which ones liked carrots and which liked to be scratched under the chin.

“Audrey, come on.” Rob couldn’t help laughing at the suggestion.

“Maybe some other farmer would watch them for us for a while. If we paid board, I mean.”

Rob didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. She knew what he would say: That would be another expense. Best to just cash in the goats if they decided to leave the farm.

“Hey, we don’t have to figure this out tonight,” he said gently. “I just wanted to start the conversation rolling. We have options, Audrey. Don’t worry.”

“I know. We do have options,” she repeated, though it didn’t sound to her as if they had many.

Rob rose and touched her shoulder, then picked up their plates and carried them into the kitchen. “Sit a minute, I’ll clean up.”

He was finished talking about this for now. She was thankful for that. She felt drained and downhearted. There wasn’t too much to say or do until the test results came back.

It was the first time in their marriage that they had faced such a big question. Coming out to the island and having the farm had been a dream for both of them, but mostly for Rob. It had been his idea. Audrey loved the life they had made on the island these past years and always imagined raising their children here. Could they really trade their life here to start a family—and take away Rob’s happiness in the bargain?

He might work out all the facts and figures now and even be the one proposing the solution. But down the road, years from now, she was afraid he might regret giving up the farm and all they’d built here. She worried that he might grow to resent her.

It was all so complicated. She felt the familiar frustration. She and Rob were good people. They would be good parents. It just didn’t seem fair.

The dog had been lying under the table during dinner, as she usually did. Now she stood up and nudged Audrey’s hand with her muzzle.

“Did you miss me today, is that it?” Audrey asked, stroking her silky head. “Or are you just looking for leftovers?”

The dog rested her head in Audrey’s lap and let out a long sigh.

Audrey sat petting the dog and realized she was crying a little. She sniffed and shook her head. Silly. No reason for that.

We’ll get through this, one way or another,
she told herself.
It will be
hard but we’ll figure it out. There are always hard choices in life and unexpected changes.

“We’ll be okay as long as Rob and I stick together,” she told the dog. “We love each other very much. That’s the most important thing.”

The dog licked her hand. “You’re sweet,” Audrey told her.

A sweet distraction from sad thoughts. I don’t know where you came from, dog, but at least I have you.

O
N
Wednesday morning, Audrey found a message from Liza on her cell phone. “Hey, Audrey, I was just wondering when you wanted to come over and meet Nick Dempsey. He usually gets back to the inn around four p.m., so I thought you could just be hanging out here, blocking the doorway or something, so he can’t get up to his room without talking to you. Let me know what you think of my subtle plan. Any day this week is good for me. And by the way,” she added, “did I tell you that he loves goat cheese and is an amateur chef?”

Audrey was still feeling drained and blue about their visit to the doctor and her conversation with Rob; she didn’t feel up to a visit to the inn to meet her favorite heartthrob movie star. Besides, she still had to catch up on her work. Even one day away from the farm left double the chores. Audrey called Liza back a few hours later and thanked her for the invitation. “I can come tomorrow. Will that be okay?”

“Perfect. He should be back again between three thirty and four, so just come a little before that,” Liza told her.

“I’m not sure if I can get my hair and nails done and lose ten pounds by three fifteen tomorrow. But I’ll try. See you then,” she promised. “And I’ll bring plenty of cheese. I’ve got that one covered.”

“I’m sure you do,” Liza replied.

Liza was the crafty one, Audrey realized the next day as she dressed and put on makeup for her sneak attack on Nick Dempsey. It was as if her friend had guessed she was feeling low and had figured out the perfect distraction. Well, it seemed to be working, Audrey thought as she fluffed out her auburn hair and checked the tie at the back of her sundress.

I’m no Beverly Hills babe, that’s for sure. I look like a country girl, plain and simple. But that’s who I am and it will have to do,
she decided with a smile.

Down in the kitchen, she grabbed the basket of gourmet cheeses and treats she had prepared for her idol and started for the door.

The dog, who had been following her around all day as usual, trekked close behind. Audrey didn’t see any harm in that. Liza wouldn’t mind, as long as the dog stayed out on the porch.

They soon arrived on Liza’s property. As Audrey walked through the gated trellis in the fence, she saw Liza waiting on the porch. The dog bounded up the stairs, eager to make new friends, her tail wagging wildly.

“Down! Don’t jump up on Liza!” Audrey commanded, jogging now to catch up with the dog.

“So you kept her, I see.” Liza was laughing as the dog tried to lick her face.

“She kept us, you might say. We didn’t get any calls from the flyers yet. And Rob likes her, too. Neither one of us wants to take her back to the shelter. So here she is, in all her furry glory,” Audrey added. “Stay down, silly. Don’t jump on Liza. Please? Here, let me put your leash on now.”

Audrey set the basket of cheese on a table and quickly fastened the dog’s leash, then tied it to a porch rail. “She’ll settle down in a minute. She’s just very social.”

“I can see that. Here, I’ll give her some water.” There were a few pretty china dessert bowls on a tray alongside a larger bowl of berries and a pitcher of iced tea and another filled with ice water. Liza poured some water for the dog and set it down for her.

“Liza, you don’t have to serve my dog from your antique china,” Audrey said.

“Don’t worry, it’s not the really good stuff. Just some pretty odds and ends I found in the basement. Besides, it’s a tradition of the inn. My aunt used to serve all her pets with the antique Wedgwood.”

“You’re not getting the same treatment at home, Millie. So don’t get used to it,” Audrey said to her dog.

“So you gave her a name—Millie?” Liza asked.

Audrey nodded. “Yes, we decided this weekend we couldn’t just keep calling her
dog
. I called her Silly a lot because she’s always doing something to make us laugh. But Rob thought that name would be bad for her self-esteem. So we decided to call her Millie. She looks like a Millie, I think. And it’s close enough to ‘silly’ to fit her personality.”

“I think it’s a perfect name for her,” Liza agreed, petting the dog’s head as she sat between them.

“She’s a handful, but also a big distraction, and she has to be the happiest animal on the face of the planet,” Audrey added honestly. “Never in a bad mood, always ready to play, never needs coffee to wake up in the morning. And she never holds a grudge if we get mad at her.” Audrey shrugged. “I can really take a lesson from this dog most days. And I can use all the distraction I can get, too.”

“How did the doctor’s appointment go?” Liza asked.

Audrey quickly filled her in. “We have to wait for the test results, of course. But it sounds like we’ll need to go through a pretty involved treatment process—hormone shots, egg harvesting, the works.” She
sighed. “I know a lot of couples face this and go through it, but it’s not going to be easy. It makes me angry at myself, for waiting so long,” she admitted. “But it just didn’t seem to be the right time before this, you know?”

“I do,” Liza said quietly. “I’m afraid sometimes that I’m waiting too long to have children, too. But what can I do? I knew that I didn’t want to start a family with my first husband. And I’m glad now that I didn’t. Having a baby seems like the most natural thing in the world, but it’s still a miracle. I think it will just happen for you when the time is right.”

When God thinks it’s the right time to send a baby,
Audrey knew her friend meant. She did agree with that.
Everything good in this life came from God, no question about it. But you still have to help yourself, don’t you?

“I know what you mean, Liza. But it’s hard for Rob and me not to try to push the process along. Doesn’t God help those who help themselves? We can’t just sit by and hope for the best. It’s too frustrating.”

Liza’s expression was sympathetic. “I understand. I didn’t mean to sound as if I didn’t. I think you’re doing all the right things. I hope it happens faster than you expect. Faster than anyone expects,” she added.