Wanted (12 page)

His sharp tone made her retreat further. “Yes, I…”

“You have no idea what it has been like,” he added quickly. “Losing Sarah. Trying to raise two girls. Realizing that my days of farming are over, at least for a while. Learning a new trade at the lumberyard.”

She felt terrible. “You're right. Sometimes I talk without thinking.”

He stood up. “I'd say you do that a fair amount. I mean, you really have no idea about what it is like, to have to worry about other people, do you?”

“That's hardly fair, Jonathan. I may not have children, but I am part of a family. I worry about them.”

“It is not the same.”

“All right.” She felt his hostility like it was a tangible thing, especially since it brought forth all those guilty feelings about Brandon that she'd done her best to keep hidden. Maybe Jonathan was right. This was
Jonathan.
The man she'd secretly yearned for ever since she saw him standing alone during church.

This was the man she'd fought her parents to see, the man she was finally getting to see on a regular basis.

But no longer was she willing to simply just have him. No, she wanted him on an equal basis. She wanted him to desire her in his life not because she so obviously wanted to be there, or because his girls were taken care of, but because of who she was. Inside.

“I wasna trying to make you upset. I was only speaking my mind. There's nothing wrong with that.”

“You speak it mighty freely in my home.”

Now her ire was up. “When you arrived at my home, hat in hand, you neglected to tell my parents that in addition to care for your daughters, you also desired someone to always agree with you.”

“You are deliberately twisting my words.”

“Then that makes two of us.” Katie stood up. “I'm going to go be with Mary and Hannah.”

“I'm going to the
daadi haus,”
he said, turning away.

To his back, she muttered, “I didn't doubt you would, Jonathan. Why don't you go on and be by yourself? Again.”

His footsteps slowed. “Perhaps I should arrange to have Winnie return early.”

Oh, he was so obstinate, once again trying to think for everyone! “If that is what you want.”

Without another word, he stormed off. With a scrape of her chair, she left the kitchen, too.

But the greeting of resentful silence in the living room told Katie no comfort was going to be found there, either.

Hannah greeted her with wide eyes. “What did you say to Daed?”

“Just something that was needed….”

“You made him mad.”

“I know. He made me mad, too.”

Just then, Mary appeared from around the corner, a scowl on her face. “Katie, you said you were gonna make things better here.”

Katie had wanted to. She'd wanted to befriend the girls and build a relationship with Jonathan. However, every time they took a step forward, two steps back seemed to follow soon after. “I can only be myself, Mary. Your father is a capable man. He doesn't need a woman like me to fix things; he only wanted me to be here for a spell.”

“Maybe you should have listened to him.”

Katie sighed. As always, she should have done a lot of things. But that didn't excuse his rudeness. And truly, she wasn't about to change her words. She'd meant what she said, and that was the truth. “I'm trying to listen to him. But sometimes, he has to listen to me as well. I can't
always keep my opinions to myself. That's not who I am. If you learn nothing else from me, please try and remember that. At the end of the day, we can only find solace in our hearts.” Thinking of her running-around time, she slowly added, “Pretending to be something we are not is a thankless task.”

Mary folded her arms over her chest for a good long moment. “I brought out the fabric,” she finally said.

“
Ach,
good. Perhaps we can pin a few pieces together. Soon, I'll take you to the inn and show you how to work my sewing machine. What do you think about that?”

Their tentative smiles were all she needed to wave them closer.

“Hello, Mr. McClusky,” Katie said when she and the girls entered the general store a week later. “How are you today?”

The proprietor laid his elbows on the counter. “Not as well as you, Miss Lundy. I see you have some great helpers with you today.”

“I do at that,” Katie agreed, looking fondly at the girls, who'd just stood up a little straighter. “Mary and Hannah are
wunderbaar schee
—wonderful nice helpers.”

“We've got some peppermint sticks in for the holidays. Would you two girls like some?”

After hesitantly looking toward Katie, they nodded, then trotted after Sam McClusky. As she watched them walk together, Katie felt an unexpected burst of motherly pride. After witnessing her argument with Jonathan, things were getting better between her and the girls.
They'd come to an understanding that she could only be who she was. And, once they realized she didn't intend to replace either their mother or their aunt, they embraced her wholeheartedly.

Their companionship more than made up for all the tension between her and Jonathan.

She was now far less homesick for Anna and the bustling schedule at the inn. Instead, she'd begun to feel pleasure in the many tasks of keeping a good home. Jonathan's home began to feel like her own. Just as important, as she'd gotten braver, she'd uncovered a lot of things about his home that she liked very much.

It was obvious that Sarah had been a good housekeeper. It was just as obvious that Winnie's interests didn't lie in that area. Linens and tablecloths were neatly organized and folded, as were the children's old clothes. Newer items were more haphazardly packed away or pushed into cabinets. Over the last few days, Katie had decided to wash and dust the inside of most cupboards and to sort the contents. She felt that Sarah would be pleased with her diligence.

Katie didn't bother to tell Jonathan about her work; it was obvious that he would neither be interested in her progress nor appreciate the efforts it took.

Of course, they didn't talk much at all now. He was still stewing over her comments about his and Winnie's relationship.

But that was all right with Katie. She felt she was growing and changing at the Lundy home. And in all ways, for the better. Now that Christmas was mere weeks away, she wanted to make the girls a surprise, new dresses for the
season. There was to be a gathering in a few weeks and she wanted the girls to have something new and pretty to wear.

She'd just pulled out a bolt of evergreen-colored fabric when she felt the unfamiliar sensation of being watched. Slowly she looked up. There was no one directly in front of her. Yet, a shiver ran through her. What was going on?

Quickly, she glanced toward the girls. Peppermint sticks in their mouths, they were chatting with another pair of girls—Corrine Miller and her two daughters—over by the baked goods. Katie knew it would be just a matter of moments before Hannah's sweet tooth got the best of her and she came running over to ask for a cookie.

She pulled out the evergreen fabric again and tried to guess how many yards would be needed for two dresses. She was going to need to ask Mr. McClusky to wrap the fabric so Mary and Hannah wouldn't ask what such beautiful fabric was for.

But oh, what a wonderful surprise those dresses would be on Christmas morning! And, she'd noticed that their robes were a little short and that Hannah's looked particularly worn. Perhaps she could buy them new robes, too? She picked up a pretty lavender robe, made of the softest material Katie had ever felt. Already she could imagine Hannah's look of delight when she wrapped it around herself Christmas morning.

“I hardly recognized you.”

Katie almost jumped out of her skin. With a gasp, the robe fell from her hands onto the floor. “Holly.”

“Yep. That's me.” An unfamiliar bitterness swept over
her features. “I'm surprised you even remember who I am. I wasn't sure if you even remembered my name.”

“Of course I remember you.” Katie fought the urge to hug her. Oh, but Holly looked exactly like her memories. She was still as tall as ever—almost Jonathan's height. Her blond straight hair played off her dark brown eyes. She looked so like the friend she'd had in her faded blue jeans, blue sweater with an embroidered moose on the chest, and boots.

So much like everything Katie had wanted to imitate.

Yet, there was a difference about her, too. Her expression was pinched. Her eyes guarded. A sense of desperation surrounded her like a luminous cloak.

What had happened?

Wondering if her actions were all to blame, Katie bent to pick up the robe, using the moment to settle herself. Around them, shoppers continued to chat and converse. Finally settling into the inevitability of it all, Katie faced the girl she'd hoped to never come in contact with again. She should have known sooner or later they'd meet. “I'm surprised to see you here. Few
Englischers
other than tourists come here to shop.”

“You know, it would have been a lot easier for both of us if you would have met me at the Brown Dog. Why didn't you? Are you really that busy?”

“It wasn't that. I…I just didn't know what we would have to talk about.”

“You have a lot of nerve. We were good friends, Katie.” Impatiently, she thrust a clump of blond hair away from her forehead. “I thought we were
best
friends.”

“We were good friends, that is true. But, things have changed.” Behind her, Katie could hear Sam talking with another customer and the girls and their friends eagerly trying out one rocking chair after another. “Things are different now. I…can't pretend I'm not Amish anymore.”

Holly shook her head in dismay. “Is that all our friendship was? Just an experiment to see what it was like to be someone else?” Her voice cracked. With effort, she breathed deep. “Is that all Brandon was to you?”

Embarrassed, Katie shook her head. “Of course not.”

“Then why did you just take off like you did?”

“Don't act like we only had a simple disagreement. Holly, that last time I saw you, why, we argued something fierce. Don't you remember?” Katie knew she'd never forget the looks of scorn Holly had sent her way. How Holly had told her that she'd never forgive Katie for using her like she did.

The quiet, crushed acceptance of Brandon's face when he had realized that his feelings were far stronger than hers had ever been for him. “I didn't think you would want to ever speak with me again.”

“I hadn't planned to…”

“I really am sorry for my lies.” Katie knew she could never forget their last, tumultuous conversation. They'd been at Brandon and Holly's house. They'd been sitting around, watching TV, doing nothing.

Then Brandon had told her he'd loved her.

And Katie had known that she hadn't loved him. Worse, she realized she'd encouraged his feelings because she'd enjoyed the attention. She'd loved the freedom of pretending to be something she wasn't.

But at that very moment, Katie had known one simple truth—she would never leave her faith.

Holly shook her head. “I probably said a lot of things I should never have uttered aloud. But, I was angry, Katie.”

“You had a right to be.”

Just as if Katie hadn't spoken, Holly continued. “You lied to me. You lied about everything about yourself. But after all this time, don't you think I had a reason for contacting you?” Folding her arms over her chest protectively, she lifted her chin. “This was the only place I could figure out to find you. I've been having to stand around here, waiting…hoping that sooner or later you'd show up. I don't have the time for this. Things would have been a whole lot easier if you'd just met me at the Brown Dog.”

“I couldn't. I…just couldn't face you. You might not believe me, but I do feel awful about my lies. Holly, what do you want from me?”

“I need you to go see Brandon.”

Katie felt the wind being knocked out of her. “You don't understand.” In spite of all attempts for control, her voice started to raise. “I can't see him. I'm
Amish
.”

“You were Amish when we were friends, too.”

“That's not quite true. We Amish do not join the church until we are adults, or close to it. When I met you and Brandon, I hadn't joined yet.” Even to her own ears, Katie knew she was splitting hairs. In a quieter tone, she added, “Now that I've joined, I adhere to our customs. I would not feel right courting an
Englischer
.”

“I'm not asking for that.”

“Then why—” She cut herself off, feeling uneasy. Just
a few feet away, Sam was watching them with intense interest. If he got wind of their conversation, it could be common knowledge in no time. Nervously, she cleared her throat. “Perhaps you should leave. I mean, I think it would be best now if I…”

Holly gripped her elbow. “Walk with me outside.”

“I can't—”

“Yes, you can. I'm not going to wait any longer. Come out, or I swear I won't even try to keep our conversation private. In no time everyone in here will know all about your lies. They'll know for sure you aren't near as sweet as you look. I mean it, Katie.”

Holly leaned closer, the look of fierce desperation in her eyes more powerful than any words could be. “I'm not the one at fault here. You have to listen to me. And you have to listen right now. You know I'll do it. After all, I've got nothing to lose.”

“I've got to check on the girls first.”

Just as Holly walked out, Katie quickly approached Hannah and Mary. “I'm just going outside to speak to an English woman for a moment. I'll be right back.”

“All right.” Mary was obviously having too good a time to worry about Katie's conversations.

Katie found Holly sitting in one of the rocking chairs that dotted the wide front porch. “So…what is it about Brandon that you needed to talk to me about?”

“Brandon was diagnosed with cancer.”

Glad for the thick wooden railing behind her, Katie gripped it hard. “What?”

Her expression crushed, Holly said, “He's really sick. It
had already spread to his liver by the time they discovered it. He's…he's not going to last much longer.”

“But surely the doctors can do something? I know of a woman who had cancer two years ago but she's doing fine now.”

“This isn't the same, Katie. It's bad.” Her voice cracked as she strived for control. “The medication he's on isn't to cure him…it's to help with the pain. Some days he doesn't seem to even want to wake up.”

Raising her head, Holly looked Katie straight in the eye. “But he wants to see you, Katie.”

“Why me?”

“He loved you once. I think he still does.”

Katie shook her head. Wanting—needing—to deny Holly's words. “I am not the person he thought I was. He knows that, yes? He remembers?”

“He doesn't care. Don't you see? Brandon just wants to see you again. To make sure you're okay. He's worried about you. Wondered what happened to your life.”

“I…I don't deserve his worry. I treated him terribly.”

“Don't you get it? He doesn't care.” Slowly, Holly added, “See, that's the thing about my brother. He doesn't care if I'm not perfect, if you aren't, either. He just doesn't want to be forgotten.”

“I never forgot him, or you.”

“Then don't let him think you did.” Holly opened her purse and pulled out a slip of paper. “Here's the name of the hospital. My phone number's on there, too. Go see him before it's too late. I'm begging…I'm begging you,” she said, obviously choking on the words. “Even if you don't
care about me, please go. Please just care about Brandon.”

“I
do
care.” Yet, even as she said the words, she felt ashamed. Caring people didn't ignore friends. Not even former ones.

“For what it's worth…I'm glad I found you. You look…happy.”

“I am. I mean, I was.” Swallowing hard, Katie held out her hand. “Thank you for finding me. I
will
go see Brandon. I promise I will, as soon as I can find a driver to take me to the hospital.”

“Try and hurry.” Holly clasped her hand with a hint of a smile, then walked away.

Behind her, the door opened again. “Katie? Katie can we get some pecans?”

Blinking away her tears, Katie nodded. “Sure.
Um,
Mary how about you ask Mr. McClusky if we might have a pound. I've a notion to make pecan tarts with you today.”

“All right.” Mary looked at Katie curiously before pointing to Holly's retreating form. “Who was that?”

“Her name is Holly. She is a friend of mine.”

“But she's English.”

“I know.” As Mary sidled closer, Katie wrapped an arm around her slim shoulders. “She is.”

Just as they watched Holly get into her car, Hannah looked up at her. “She sure is tall. She's as tall as a horse.”

Katie chuckled at the comparison. “She's tall, but maybe not like a horse.” Though it felt as if her throat was closing from so much suppressed emotion, Katie did her best to smile comfortingly. “She's nice, too.”

“She looked sad.”

“She was tired I think.” After smoothing back a nonexistent strand of hair back into her
kapp
, she added, “She…she has a lot on her mind.”

“Oh.” Turning away from Holly's retreating form, Hannah said importantly, “I'm gonna go ask for pecans so we can bake today.”

Later, as she walked the girls to the buggy, Katie realized that Holly had finally accomplished what she'd set out to do…she'd found Katie and brought up the past.

Now it was Katie who had to figure out what to do with her future.