Watch Me Disappear (21 page)

Back in the living room, Maura hands Jason a beer and curls up on the couch, nuzzling against him. The rest of us stand there, wondering where we’re supposed to sit.

“Got a seat for you right here, blondie,” says the kid in the recliner, looking at Jessica and opening his arms.

Jessica giggles but doesn’t move toward him.

“Playing hard to get,” he says. “I like it.” He stands up, stretches, and scratches his stomach. “You can have my seat. I gotta piss and get a refill anyway.”

Jessica looks at Katherine and me. I just shrug, and she takes the seat. There is a gap big enough for one of us on the sectional couch. Katherine gives me a look that says “The floor’s yours,” and takes that space, hugging the arm rest and keeping herself clear of the guy to her left.

“Take a load off, shorty,” says the one who’s laying on the floor, leaning on his side and staring intently at the television. I think it’s funny that he called me “shorty.” As far as I can tell, he hasn’t even looked at me.

I move over to the edge of the coffee table, set down my beer, and sit on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. This is “real fun”? Sitting in a dingy living room watching boxing on a big-screen TV with four guys who communicate mostly in grunts? Behind me on the couch, Jason is freely groping Maura, kissing her neck and ears. Jessica and Katherine are too far away for me to try to chat with them. I just sip my beer and try to look casual. It’s possible that I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life. And we don’t have to be back at the Morgans’ for two hours.

A commercial comes on and I turn at the sound of a little shriek from Maura. Jason is up on his feet with Maura over his shoulder in a fireman’s hold. He smacks her butt. “You all entertain yourselves,” he says, stepping over me and carrying Maura up the stairs. The other three guys laugh. I look to Jessica and Katherine to see if we should be concerned but they seem to think nothing of it.

Seeing my chance, I slide up onto the couch. The kid who gave Jessica his seat gets up and sits beside me. He searches his pockets and produces a little plastic bag. He pulls the coffee table closer to him and rolls a joint. The other guys and Jessica gather around for a puff. Katherine and I stay at our corners of the couch. I see Katherine slyly sneak a pill from her purse to her mouth and wonder if I should get another beer.

The one who called me “shorty” looks around and then goes into the kitchen. He returns with another beer for each of us, saving me the trouble of making a decision and also preventing me from standing up. If I had stood up, I probably would have thought twice about having a second beer, but sitting there on the couch, basking in discomfort, another seems like a good idea.

A beer-and-a-half later, Maura and Jason still have not returned. I get up to go to the bathroom and the room spins, sending me stumbling to the side.

“We’ve got a cheap date here, boys,” one of the guys says.

“You gonna make it, kiddo?” asks another.

“I’m fine,” I say, but my tongue feels heavy and the words sound funny. I hear myself giggle. I wobble my way through the kitchen down the hall, leaning against the wall to keep a straight path.

The bathroom is lit by a harsh fluorescent light over the sink, making the sea-foam green color of the tile on the walls look institutional. I glance at myself in the mirror. My face is blotchy. I lean closer and focus on my eyes and suddenly I feel like crying. What am I doing here? This is not better than being friendless and just staying home. Even before Paul and Missy got together, I spent plenty of Friday nights at home if Missy went out with Wes. What am I doing with these people?

Forgetting my makeup, I splash water on my face and then watch horrified as mascara puddles below my eyes. I grab some tissues and do my best to get it off, the result of which is red marks under my eyes and the distinct appearance of one who has been crying. I decide I’ll just have to wait until my face looks normal again, but then someone knocks on the door.

“Lizzie, are you all right?” Jessica asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say through the door.

“Hurry up,” she says. “I gotta pee.”

I open the door and she rushes past me, not even waiting for me to leave or shut the door. I’m not ready to go back out into the hall, so I shut the door and turn my back to Jessica.

“Maura’s ready to go,” she says, when she’s washing her hands. “Are you crying?” she asks.

“No, I just had something in my eye and I got my mascara all messed up,” I say.

“Yeah I hate that,” she says, leading me back down the hall.

Maura and Katherine are standing by the door when we get back to the living room. They hand us our coats.

“You ladies come back any time,” Jason says as we shuffle back out to the car.

By the time we get back to Maura’s, I don’t feel very drunk anymore, and I have a headache. I am so puzzled by the evening we just had that I can’t figure out where to begin.

“What did you think of Jason’s friends?” Maura asks us.

“The one with the goatee was cute,” Jessica says.

Katherine shakes her head. “Not my type.”

“Jason is so hot,” Maura says.

“So you just had sex with him?” I blurt out.

All three of them stare at me. I guess I’m not supposed to say what we had all just witnessed.

Maura smiles and shrugs.

“What if he has some disease?” I ask.

“You worry too much,” Maura says.

“But you just, like, had sex with him? Just like that?”

“Sweet little virgin,” Katherine says, sounding bored.

“I’m a virgin, too,” Jessica says.

“But any guy will tell you she gives great head,” Katherine says.

“Hey!” Jessica protests.

“Whatever,” Katherine says.

“Let’s all take this quiz,” Maura says, changing the subject, holding up the latest issue of
Glamour
.

Contrary to Mrs. Morgan’s promise, we stay up most of the night, and I go home the next morning exhausted, my head pounding. I know the minute my parents see me I won’t have to worry about going out again for a while.

*          *          *

Monday at lunch, I walk into the cafeteria and discover that Missy is not at our usual table. She always gets there before me. Some days she is halfway through with her lunch before I even arrive. I look around and see her waving from the middle of the room—Paul’s table. Of course I should have expected Missy to want to sit with Paul, but somehow I just figured she and I would sit together like we always did. It hadn’t occurred to me that the reason she never sat with Wes at lunch was that Wes is a junior. He isn’t on our lunch.

I take a deep breath and debate if I should sit in my usual spot or go over there, but before I can decide, Maura comes over and hooks an arm in mine. I let her guide me to her table.

Sitting at Maura’s table is a revelation. I always buy my lunch. Monday’s special: chicken nuggets, tater tots, chocolate milk, and a cookie. Maura brings her lunch from home: carrot sticks, an apple, and lowfat yogurt. Katherine’s is similar. Jessica buys her lunch, a Snickers bar, at the vending machine. Katherine looks at my tray as if it is toxic and she is afraid to get too close.

“You can’t eat like that if you want to look like this,” Maura says.

“Yeah, one day those candy bars are going to catch up to Jessica,” Katherine says, eyeing the chocolate bar.

“I guess I just like food,” I say, eating a tater tot.

“Sure, but nothing tastes as good as sexy feels,” Maura says.

“Don’t listen to them,” Jessica says, taking the last bite of her Snickers. “I don’t.” 

“All I’m saying is, you liked the makeover we gave you, right?” Maura asks.

I have on no makeup because I overslept this morning. My hair is in a ponytail. “Yeah, sure,” I say.

“Right, because everyone likes to be pretty,” she says.

The implication is that I am not pretty in my natural state. I probably don’t look too hot at the moment, but I have a million tests this week and no time to worry about it.

“And everyone likes pretty people,” she adds.

“Thanks for letting me sit with you,” I say sarcastically, but Maura misses my tone.

“Hey, that’s what friends are for. We’re not going to let you sit over there all alone, are we, girls?” Maura says.

Jessica smiles and Katherine makes a face that I take as agreement.

And that’s it. One weekend and one lunch period and my entire social life is turned on its head.

Chapter 15

Paul’s visits have decreased from a few times a week to none.

“Did you have a fight or something?” my mother wants to know.

“He’s such a nice boy,” she says a million times a day.

What she doesn’t say but I’m sure she is thinking is, “You must have done something wrong.” That I told her from that start that Paul was interested in Missy, not me, doesn’t change her opinion one bit, although she has suggested a few times that I should be more like Missy, a suggestion I find hysterical considering how much she objected to Missy at the start.

I’ve gone out with Missy and Paul a couple of times but it was no fun. Everyone was tense and weird and it just didn’t work. It’s okay if I’m hanging out with just Missy or just Paul, but to hang out with both of them at the same time, or even to go out with a big group that includes them, makes me too uncomfortable. I guess I’m feeling what some people might call heartbroken. And jealous, let’s not forget that.

So here I am, almost Christmas break, and my relationship with Paul is basically limited to art class. While I still talk to Missy on the phone a lot, Maura’s the one who makes sure I don’t end up sitting home all weekend. She likes inviting me places because if I go, Mrs. Morgan doesn’t worry. She sees me as the adult who keeps everything under control, the little mother of the group, which I more or less am. Sometimes I have a beer or two, but usually I don’t. I don’t like getting dizzy and hearing my own words slur. Generally I just sit around, taking it all in. Maura cannot stop talking about how great it will be when I get my license. Then she’ll never have to worry about a ride.

My mother, however, is beginning to question some of Maura’s behavior. The more time she spends around the Morgans, the more she decides that Maura is not respectful enough toward her parents and that they let her run wild. Still, having given me so much freedom already, she can’t just revoke all my privileges now. She has decided I shouldn’t go to any more sleepovers, but other than that, I can pretty much go where I want. The problem is getting home from parties where everyone else is staying, but once I can drive, I’ll have all the freedom I need.

Jeff is coming home for two full weeks over Christmas, and Jen is not coming with him. With a much needed break from the never-ending onslaught of homework on the horizon, I am looking forward to the holidays. Having Jeff around will take my mind off of Paul and Missy, and I will have too much family stuff going on to get sucked into any of Maura’s schemes.

*          *          *

“How’d you meet him anyway?” I ask Maura one afternoon on the way to Jason’s. Katherine and Jessica have gotten tired of the routine of hanging out with Jason’s Neanderthal friends while Maura and Jason kiss and cuddle on the couch before disappearing into Jason’s room for a while. More and more often if Maura has plans with Jason, they find something else to do, which leaves just me as her entourage.

“He’s Paul’s second cousin or something like that,” she says casually. “I told you that, didn’t I?”

She hadn’t.

“Yeah, we met at Paul’s Confirmation party a couple of years ago,” she says, and then she explains. Paul’s mother and Jason’s mother are cousins who grew up together and treated one another like sisters. When Paul was just a baby, his dad split, and Paul and his mom lived with Jason and his mom for a few years. Apparently as little kids, Paul and Jason were best buddies. Paul’s mom, though, sort of outgrew Jason’s mom. Paul’s mom is ambitious; she got a degree from community college and worked hard to give Paul a good life, while Jason’s mom is happy as long as there’s enough money after rent to buy beer and cigarettes. Paul’s mom doesn’t make much money, but she has found ways to provide for Paul. When he was going into fourth grade, she got him into parochial school on a scholarship. After that, Paul’s and Jason’s paths started to diverge. Jason chose vocational high school, while Paul—who didn’t manage to land a scholarship to private high school—went to the regular high school in a college prep track. But the two are family and as such they stayed friends, seeing each other now and then and keeping on good terms until the past year or so when Jason spent time in juvenile detention, Maura isn’t sure what for. “After we met at Paul’s party, he friended me on Facebook, you know, and we kept in touch,” she concludes.

“So when you and Paul broke up, he made his move?” I ask, trying to understand the details.

“I guess you could say that. I mean, I saw his pics—he went from being an average Joe to a total hottie, like, overnight. I was interested.”

I think I can infer that actually she had started this relationship with Jason and not the other way around, but I don’t prod further. I wonder what he went to juvie for, and I’m sure Paul knows, but I can’t ask him. Jason doesn’t feel dangerous to me, just immature. He is one of those guys who thinks he can live the gangsta lifestyle of an MTV music video or something—the way he dresses, the way he talks, the way he treats Maura (and every girl he meets). Somehow Maura thinks that by being with him, she’ll get revenge on Paul. I can’t help but find it pathetic, but if Maura is pathetic for attaching herself to Jason, what am I for tagging along?

*          *          *

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Missy slides me a note at the beginning of physics class. It says, “My parents are having a Christmas party tomorrow and I really really really want you to come!”

“Paul?” I scrawl on the bottom, slipping the note back to her.