Ways and Means (8 page)

‘She told me she was,’ he said. ‘I saw no reason for disbelieving her. I actually heard her say that she would jump into the Thames if we sent her away. I can’t prove whether she would have done so. My wife heard her say it too.’

He denied Basil’s version of the sherry incident. He had certainly not jogged his arm either deliberately or accidentally. Yes, he had bought Elizabeth a brassiere. He had been buying one for his wife and she had asked him to get one for Elizabeth at the same time. He stoutly denied that he had ever suggested to Elizabeth that she should leave Basil.

‘I can assure you,’ he said, ‘that Mrs Merridew is not a person to do anything she doesn’t want to do.’

‘That may be,’ said counsel, ‘but even if she had the inclination to run away with you, it would not justify you in asking her to do so.’

‘Well, really,’ said Nicholas. ‘First, she has not run away with me. She is living with me and my wife. Secondly, no one has said she had the slightest inclination to run away with me. Thirdly, I never asked her to do so. She came to me and my wife because she wanted to. It’s possible she has exaggerated or even misstated the reasons for her doing so. But how was I or how was my wife to know that?’

He agreed that his last letter to Basil’s solicitor was silly and offensive.

‘I am often silly, I’m afraid. I am not often offensive, but I was annoyed at being threatened. I apologize.’

Questioned about the suicide incident, he said that Basil’s explanation was a possible one, but he hadn’t given it at the time.

‘Oh — no,’ he said. ‘I remember now. After we’d got him into the drawing-room, he said we could tell the story he’s just told if anyone happened to hear about it.’

‘How could anyone get to hear of it?’

‘I don’t know but that’s what he said.’

The second witness for the defence was Petula. She was asked by Nicholas’s counsel confidently if she had seen any undue familiarity between Nicholas and Elizabeth.

‘They always explained everything,’ she said, a little to Mr Malton’s dismay.

‘Explained what?’ said the Judge.

‘Oh, you know the way things happen, my Lord,’ said Petula.

‘I do not,’ said the judge; ‘least of all in this case. Pray tell the jury what there was to explain and how they explained it.’

‘Oh, well, my Lord. I’ve a good husband, and if you have a good husband you trust him. And I’d trust Nicholas anywhere. Even when he was in the Middle East, my Lord, I’m quite sure —’

The Judge stopped her.

‘Now, Mrs Drewe, please answer the question I have asked you, and don’t run on about something else.’

‘I’m sorry, my Lord. It’s so difficult to remember everything.’

‘First of all, what conduct required explanation?’

‘Well, nothing really.’

‘A moment ago you said they gave you satisfactory explanations. Explanations of what?’

‘Well, my Lord, I once came in and found them kissing under the kitchen table.’

‘What was their explanation?’

‘It was a sort of game, my Lord.’

‘Did you see how he was kissing her?’

‘Oh, yes, my Lord, like one does kiss. You know, my Lord.’

The Judge paused. ‘I don’t think you intend to be impertinent,’ he said, ‘but in case you have any such temptation I should warn you now that the consequences will be very serious. Do you understand?’

‘I’m only trying to answer your Lordship’s questions. I’ve never given evidence before.’

Petula then proceeded to cry. ‘I didn’t want to come here,’ she half sobbed.

‘Would you like to sit down?’ said the judge.

‘Yes, please, my Lord.’

‘Very well, then. Now, compose yourself and answer the questions. I wanted to know the sort of kiss it was.’

‘Well, my Lord, if I answer the question, perhaps you’ll say I’m being impertinent, and if I don’t, you’ll say I must. What shall I do?’

‘Answer the question, madam. You know quite well what is meant by being impertinent.’

‘Well, my Lord, there are so many different kinds of kisses. There is the sort of kiss which — well — the sort of kiss — well, not the sort you’d give anyone in the witness box.’

‘Madam, will you kindly behave yourself. You know the difference between an ordinary good-night kiss and a kiss of passion.’

‘Oh, yes, my Lord,’ said Petula, rather too eagerly.

‘Well, which was this?’

‘Well, it wasn’t a good-night kiss, because it was in the afternoon, but I don’t think it could have been a passionate kiss either.’

‘Why not?’

‘Such a silly position.’

‘What did they say when you came in?’

‘I think it was “Hullo”?’

‘Did they seem embarrassed?’

‘I don’t think so. They did mention that they thought I was back early. I was a little early, as a matter of fact. I’d gone to see a friend of mine who was just recovering from flu and when I got there —’

‘Please, Mrs Drewe, it is quite sufficient to say you were back early.’

‘I was back early, my Lord.’

‘Did you see them kiss just the once or more than once?’

‘D’you mean on that occasion?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well — it’s very difficult to say whether a kiss is one long kiss or several short ones. One has to be doing it, you know, and then I suppose one wouldn’t be counting. Let’s call it a kiss and a half.’

‘We won’t call it anything, Mrs Drewe. We want to know what you saw.’

‘Well — I just saw them kissing, my Lord. I hadn’t got —’ And Petula stopped in the middle.

‘You hadn’t got what?’

‘Well, my Lord, I stopped because you might have thought it impertinent.’

In this rather unusual case, where the truth might be expected to pop out all of a sudden and from an unexpected quarter, the Judge felt he should risk the impertinence.

‘You had better tell me. What hadn’t you got?’

‘A machine for measuring the kiss, my Lord.’ The judge said nothing for a second. Then he said: ‘This is a Court of law, Mrs Drewe, and I shall not give you another chance. You know quite well that that remark was intended to be impertinent. No, it’s no use snivelling. The waterworks do not impress me.’

‘Now, with regard to presents,’ went on Mr Malton, mercifully. ‘What do you say about them?’

‘What do I say about presents?’ sniffed Petula.

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I like them.’

‘Yes, yes. We all do. But what do you say about the presents your husband gave Mrs Merridew?’

‘They were very nice.’

‘Did he give them with your approval?’

‘Oh — yes, certainly.’

‘And did he always get you one at the same time?’

‘Oh — yes, I think so.’

‘And does that include the underclothes — brassieres and so on?’

‘He never got me a brassiere.’

‘He never bought you one?’

‘No. I’m afraid I don’t wear them, my Lord.’

‘Then why should he buy one for Mrs Merridew?’

‘She does, my Lord. If your Lordship will look at the two of us, your Lordship will see that I have what they call a boyish figure, while Mrs Merridew —’

The Judge looked at the clock instead.

‘I think we will adjourn for lunch now,’ he said. After the adjournment, Petula went back into the witness box. Mr Malton felt he had better finish off the brassiere.

‘Did you mind your husband getting Mrs Merridew a brassiere?’

‘Not at all.’

‘Was there anything strange in his doing so?’

‘Nothing whatever. He had bought us both belts.’

‘That may be,’ said the Judge, who was a bachelor, ‘but a belt isn’t a very intimate garment, like a brassiere.’

‘Not intimate, my Lord?’

The Judge should have been warned by the tone of Petula’s answer, but, if he noticed it, he did not do so in time.

‘I shouldn’t have thought so.’

‘Well,’ said Petula, ‘I’m sure your Lordship knows best, but it’s the first thing I put on and the last thing I take off.’

‘Oh,’ said the Judge, ‘you mean that sort of garment. I thought you meant an outside belt. Perhaps I’d better not ask any more questions.’

There was a Mrs Jones on the jury. She was a kind-hearted woman and she was sorry for the Judge. ‘I could explain it all to your Lordship —’ she began.

‘No, thank you, madam,’ said the Judge firmly, and he kept fairly quiet for some time.

Nevertheless, Petula was asked a good many more questions both by Mr Malton and by Mr Turnberry. At one stage the latter asked her if she trusted her husband.

‘Oh, absolutely,’ she said.

‘If you hadn’t trusted him so implicitly, don’t you think his behaviour with Mrs Merridew might have worried you a little?’

‘Well, of course, every wife who doesn’t trust her husband is worried the whole time he isn’t with her. I wasn’t worried even when he was in Cairo. He wrote me everything he did.’

‘How do you know?’

‘He said so.’

‘Lucky Mr Drewe,’ commented Mr Turnberry.

‘I think so,’ said Petula.

‘I suppose nothing would make you suspicious of your husband?’

‘I’m sure he’s never given me cause to be.’

‘You see him kissing under the table. It’s a game?’

‘Yes, that’s right. I forget what they called it. I’m not sure that I asked them.’

‘He buys her a brassiere — that’s just part of the service. I suppose if you’d seen them in bed together and they’d said it was a game, you’d have been satisfied?’

‘You must think I’m young,’ said Petula. ‘I should have known what that meant.’

‘That they were tired, I suppose,’ said Mr Turnberry, and sat down.

The next witness for the defence was Elizabeth. She went gracefully into the witness box, and took the oath quietly and reverently. Then she looked the Judge full in the face. He returned her gaze. One of them had to give way in the end, but it was not Elizabeth, although the Judge tried very hard.

‘Are you the wife of the Plaintiff?’ asked Mr Malton.

‘I’m afraid so.’

‘Why did you leave him?’

‘Oh — so many reasons, but chiefly, I suppose, because I was tired of him. You understand that, my Lord,’ and she gave the Judge one of her looks.

‘Don’t ask me questions,’ said the Judge.

‘Oh, my Lord, I’m so very sorry.’

‘Any other reason except that you were tired of him?’

‘That covers so many things. I was tired of the way he said “Good morning”.’

‘Are you being serious, madam?’ said the Judge. Elizabeth looked Yes at him.

‘Will you kindly answer the question?’

She looked Yes again and gave one of her low murmurs.

‘Madam,’ said the Judge, ‘will you kindly say something which the shorthand writer can take down?’

‘Oh, my Lord,’ began Elizabeth. Whenever she said ‘Oh, my Lord,’ she spoke as though she were a member of an Eastern harem addressing her lord and master. The Judge found it very irritating, but he did not know quite what to do about it. The case was inclined to get out of hand, anyway, what with brassieres and belts and games under the kitchen table.

‘Oh, my Lord,’ repeated Elizabeth, ‘yes. And I got tired of the way he said “Good night”, and the way he shaved, and the way he ate and the way he undressed and — oh, my Lord, shall I go on?’

‘You were thoroughly tired of him?’ said the Judge.

‘Oh, my Lord, yes.’

‘You needn’t say “Oh, my Lord” each time you answer a question.’

‘What shall I call your Lordship? looked Elizabeth. She looked it so well that the Judge was about to tell her to behave herself when he realized she hadn’t said anything. He felt he couldn’t very well tell her not to look like that. She would say or look ‘Like what?’ and they wouldn’t get anywhere.

‘Just answer the questions.’

‘Did he ever ill-treat you?’

‘Well, it depends what you mean by ill-treat. He never hit me or anything like that.’

‘Then you never felt frightened of him.’

‘Oh — no — not frightened.’

‘Then you didn’t threaten to throw yourself in the Thames?’

‘Oh — yes, I did. You see — perhaps it was very wrong of me, but I wanted to stay with Nicholas — with Nicholas and Petula.’ As she added ‘Petula’, Petula nodded brightly from the well of the Court.

‘And I thought he — they — mightn’t keep me unless I made up some kind of a story. Do you think me very wicked?’

‘Don’t ask me questions,’ the Judge almost shouted. ‘Did Mr Drewe do anything to make you leave your husband?’

‘Did he do anything?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh, my Lord,’ said Elizabeth. ‘I’m so sorry, my Lord,’ she added, ‘but it’s a difficult question to answer. Did he do anything? He didn’t say anything, if that’s what you mean. He didn’t ask me to leave.’

‘What did he do then, if anything?’

‘He just was Nicholas, I think. Looking at them down there, it doesn’t seem possible that I should have made such a mistake.’

‘Mistake?’

‘In marrying my husband.’

‘Have you not considered Mrs Drewe’s feelings in the matter?’

‘She’s very understanding, my Lord.’

‘I’m beginning to doubt it.’

‘What is your relationship to Mr Drewe?’

‘Friendly, my Lord, very friendly.’

‘What were you doing under the table?’

‘A sort of game, my Lord, rather a nice sort of a game.’ So the case went on and eventually the evidence was completed and counsel on each side addressed the jury. Finally, the Judge summed up. Among other things he said this:

‘I am very glad to have your assistance, members of the jury, in this somewhat extraordinary case. I confess I should have the greatest difficulty in making up my own mind as to the truth of the matter. Fortunately I shall not have to do so. That will be your duty. You have to decide whether the plaintiff has proved to your satisfaction that the defendant has deliberately enticed his wife away from him. The fact that she was tired of him, if you believe that she was, did not entitle the defendant to take her away. On the other hand, if the wife left the husband entirely of her own free will and uninfluenced by any deliberate act of the defendant, this action must fail. There is at the moment, in my view, insufficient evidence of any misconduct between the wife and the defendant, but, even if you think that it had taken place, that would be no ground for finding in favour of the plaintiff by itself. The possibility of misconduct is only material as showing a motive for the defendant’s enticing the wife away from the plaintiff.’