Read We Give a Squid a Wedgie Online
Authors: C. Alexander London
We Give a Squid a Wedgie
Also by C. Alexander London
W
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ATEN BY
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ANNIBALS
With art by
JONNY DUDDLE
PHILOMEL BOOKS
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Text copyright © 2012 by C. Alexander London.
Illustrations copyright © 2012 by Jonny Duddle. All rights reserved.
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Published simultaneously in Canada. Printed in the United States of America.
Edited by Jill Santopolo. Design by Semadar Megged. Text set in 11-point Trump Medieval.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data London, C. Alexander.
We give a squid a wedgie / C. Alexander London ; with art by Jonny Duddle.
p. cm.—(An accidental adventure) Summary: Eleven-year-old twins Oliver and Celia Navel
are forced to give up television again, this time for an adventure on a South Pacific island
surrounded by giant killer squid. [1. Adventure and adventurers—Fiction. 2. Explorers—Fiction.
3. Brothers and sisters—Fiction. 4. Twins—Fiction. 5. Television—Fiction. 6. South Pacific
Ocean—Fiction. 7. Humorous stories.] I. Duddle, Jonny, ill. II. Title.
PZ7.L8419Wh 2012 [Fic]—dc23 2011034404
ISBN: 978-1-101-57244-3
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
3. We Are Aware of Our Destiny
11. We Sort of Swim with Sharks
15. We Don’t Like What We Hear
27. We Are Not Going All Googly
30. We Learn the Plural of
Nemesis
31. We Look Behind the Bookshelf
32. We’re Wedgied to a War Council
44. We Won’t Forget Our Friends
To Brian Jacques,
whom I never got to thank,
and to Natalie,
whom I cannot thank enough
WE ARE OVER
OCTOPUSES
OCTOPI
“I THINK IT’S FOOD,”
said Celia, studying the flaky brownish lumps on the silver tray in front of her. There were also squishy purple blobs.
“It doesn’t look like food,” said Oliver.
“There’s a lemon,” said Celia. “Why would there be a lemon if it wasn’t food?”
“For decoration?” suggested Oliver.
“A lemon is not decoration,” said Celia.
“What about on one of those fruit hats?” he asked.
“This is a serving tray, not a fruit hat,” said Celia. “It’s food. And it looks gross.”
Oliver and Celia Navel were at the New Year’s Eve gala for the Explorers Club, the most exclusive party of the year for the most exclusive society of
explorers in the world. All of the food at this party was weird or slimy or gross, like caterpillar-stuffed quail eggs and candied shrimp heads. The party was held in the private aquarium of a famous deep-sea diver. He had a shark tank that encircled the whole room and an indoor tropical reef filled with brightly colored fish in a pillar in the center. There was a pool filled with stingrays and a dozen other tanks that Oliver and Celia hadn’t even seen yet.
They were bored beyond belief.
Oliver and Celia finally had cable television at home, but instead of sitting happily on the couch watching the old year turn into the new one, they were stuck at a fancy party for fancy explorers surrounded by fancy fish, watching the new year start just like every other year. It was not their idea of fun.
Oliver poked at the brown lumps on the silver tray. They were crispy and hot. Some of them had little tentacles sticking out. The purple blobs were slimy and they glistened.
“This is calamari,” said the server, who was holding the tray out to Oliver and Celia and growing quite tired of standing there while they argued.
Oliver looked at Celia with his eyebrows raised.
She was three minutes and forty-two seconds older than her twin brother, which made her the expert on things like the meanings of words and how to escape from a prison fortress in Tibet. She did not, however, know what calamari was.
Celia shrugged.
“It’s fried squid,” said the server, thrusting the tray toward Oliver and Celia again. “
Calamari
just means squid.”
“Why not just say
squid
then?” Celia said.
“
Calamari
is the Italian word,” the server told her.
“What are the purple blobs?” Oliver asked.
“Octopus,” said the server.
“Aren’t they the same?” wondered Celia.
“No,” said Oliver, who felt good knowing something that his sister didn’t for once. He liked watching nature shows.
The Squid Whisperer
was one of his favorites. “The octopus has a hard beak and the squid doesn’t. They both have eight arms and squishy heads, but squids have hooks in their suckers and octopuses don’t.”
“Octopi,” said Celia, who knew that the plural of
octopus
was
octopi
.
“
Octopuses
is right too,” said Oliver.
“It is not,” said Celia.
“It is too,” said Oliver.
“It is not,” said Celia.
“It is too,” said Oliver.
“Look, kids, do you want some of this or not?” the server interrupted. “There are a lot of guests who want to eat.”
“What’s the lemon for?” Oliver asked.
“That’s for decoration,” said the server.
“Aha!” Oliver gloated. “I was right! Lemons for decoration!”
“Whatever,” said Celia.
“Ahem,” coughed the server, trying to get their attention back on his tray of brownish and purple lumps.
Celia shook her head at him. “We don’t eat squid or octopi,” she said.
“-puses,” added Oliver.
Celia glared at him.
“We don’t eat anything weird or slimy or gross,” she said.
“Whatever,” sneered the server. He trotted back into the party, weaving between the guests dressed in ball gowns and tuxedos, eating their squid and their octopi. Octopuses. Whatever.