We Will Always Have the Closet (15 page)

Later, as they lay together, breathless and still high on love and bliss, the world seemed different somehow. Colors were brighter, lines sharper, the contours of the world more pronounced. Even the air they were breathing felt crisper and fresher, purified and sweet. It was wonderful and it was scary. Never had she felt so connected, so close to another human being. It was both sublime and alarming.

Petra’s head was resting on Sam’s chest, hands across his stomach. “You know, the modeling for Liam…” she started, a finger twirling lightly on his stomach.

Sam twitched a little at the sound of Liam’s name. “You’re not going to do it, are you?” he said. “I know I don’t have the right to make demands, but…” he sat up a little, leaning his back against the head of the bed. “Hell, Petra, Liam is in love with you. If you give him any hint that you may reciprocate his feelings, he’ll go for it. I can’t stand the idea of you naked in front of him.”

Petra sat up and looked him straight in the eye. “Naked?” she exclaimed loudly. “Why would I be naked?”

“Modeling…isn’t that what you would do?” he asked, visibly confused by her reaction. “I saw the paintings he did of imaginary you. They were all nudes.”

“The deal was I would be wearing a ball gown I wore a long time ago when I first met him,” she explained. Lovemaking had mollified her anger just enough that she could talk about it rationally.

Sam’s handsome face lit up and he fell back against the pillow with a sigh. “Oh, I didn’t know,” he said lamely. “I’m sorry, Petra, I think I may be going crazy. I feel so…lost when it comes to my feelings for you. It’s all so confusing and overwhelming.” She smiled, and her hand reached across to caress his face. “I feel things for you that I have never felt before for anyone, and it scares me.”

“It scares me too,” Petra confessed, kissing him lightly on the lips. “I was a fool with Jonas. When I found out I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I tried to fix it and I only messed up even more.” Her voice broke and she swallowed unshed tears. Sam pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head in a protective gesture. “He didn’t even have the decency to hide his infidelities from me. He used to bring those women to my house and parade them in front of me, waving them under my nose, daring me to react. And I never did, not to him.” She sniffled a little into his chest.

“You wanted to save your marriage,” Sam said quietly. “There’s no crime in that.”

“No, I was so embarrassed by my mistake, I was trying to save something that never existed, Sam,” she protested. “I allowed him to treat me like a nothing, and for what? For an imaginary love affair, a made-up man? I hated myself for it. I still do.”

In a swift move, Sam turned himself around to hover over her, supporting her in his arms. “Why would you hate yourself for something that wasn’t your fault?” he asked, nose almost touching hers. “I know
I
definitely don’t hate you…” He kissed her nose, then her forehead. “I want to be with you.” He kissed each of her cheeks. “I want to be the one that makes you smile and the only one that sees you naked.” Petra giggled and he kissed her mouth, as if trying to kiss away her pain. The kiss ignited the fire again, and soon it was hard to tell one apart from the other in the tangle of dancing bodies and bed linen.

In the morning, they lay on the couch, drinking hot coffee and talking about nothing and everything. Languid and sated, they sat enjoying each other’s company, not worried for once about Jonas’ possible criminal involvement, not hurried to get anywhere. There was no space in their minds for separation, even if for just a few hours. The very thought of being away from each other was unbearable, and Petra found herself missing him at the thought.
Is this what it feels like to be in love?
She was now fairly certain she had never experienced it.

But Petra knew. Instinctively, she knew what that all-encompassing emotion meant, but was unwilling to accept it. Yet, anyway. Both of them were happy, words and feelings of love burning in their hearts and tongues, but none brave enough to voice them. Petra was too scared of trusting her heart again. Sam was fighting his own demons, she was sure. Yet in their hearts there was a song playing over and over again, a love song as old as time that, try as they may, they couldn’t silence. And the words
I love you
kept coming to their lips before fading away into silence instead. Sam had his body do the talking until such time when, she hoped, he would gather the courage to face his own fears and tell the slightly-broken woman in his arms how much he really loved her.

Chapter Seven

PASTRIES, BRINE, AND GUMSHOES

Sam

The mud on his shoes mirrored the way he felt at that moment, having literally dragged himself through muck to try and dig up some dirt on Linden’s activities and coming up empty-handed. Now his clothes were dirty and his mood was foul. Not a good time for this, he thought. He was supposed to meet with Petra somewhere downtown, but he knew she was plotting something. For once he didn’t think it had anything to do with Jonas. His birthday was this weekend and Petra had been acting even more strangely than she normally did, sneaking around when she thought he didn’t notice, talking in whispers on the phone, and hiding things in the closet. Sam was pretty certain she was planning some surprise for his fortieth birthday. As much as he hated surprises, and birthdays for that matter, he couldn’t help being amused by the way his wonderfully goofy girlfriend had been acting. Normally her penchant for sneakiness would annoy and worry him, but being in this relationship had made him so deliriously happy that exasperation had morphed into tolerance and he was now much quicker to indulge her flights of lunacy.

I better go get changed.
He shook some dust from his jeans.
If I show up this messy, I will never hear the end of it
. He laughed to himself while walking to his parked car. It had been an incredible week. He had never imagined that being in love could cause such a heady rush to the system. Walking on air was not just an expression for him anymore. There was a renewed spring to his step, and he walked with a permanent smile plastered on his face, as if laughing at a private joke. If anybody would have told him he would feel this ridiculously elated over a relationship he would have called them crazy. Having already forgotten about his failed pursuit and muddy clothes, Sam drove to his apartment to change and pick up a few extra items to take to Petra’s place before heading downtown to go meet with his beautiful girl. Petra had asked him to meet her at a bakery by Pike’s Place because “I have a sudden craving for carbs, more specifically for French carbs,” she had said with that sly smile of hers.

He saw her sitting outside on one of the iron chairs in the esplanade, wrapped in a woolly shawl of some kind.
Crazy woman.
The weather had been very cold as they approached the holidays. Some were even predicting snow, though the skies were clear blue. Sam waved at her from the street corner as he approached with great strides. Man, it was cold. Big puffy clouds of air came out of his mouth as he reached the bakery and the little goddess freezing outside.

“Why are you out here in the cold?” With his hands he began rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm her up. In response, she stretched onto her tip-toes and kissed him on the lips. Hers were icy and reminded him of a sweet rich ice cream pop as they melted against his mouth. The chill immediately vanished and a gentle, comforting heat overtook them both as they stood outside, slowly savoring each other. “Let’s go in and have some of these famous French carbs you so have been craving,” he said, finally nudging her away from him.

Inside the bakery it was warm and cozy like hot cocoa and smelled just as delicious. “Oh my God,” he exclaimed, sniffing the air. “I can almost taste the air.” Petra laughed, pulling him closer to the counter. “I think I have put on five pounds by just…breathing.”

They sat in a corner booth and ordered a few pastries and hot coffee. Holding hands, they talked and relished each other’s company, ignoring the passage of time and the bustle of everyday living going on around them. “So, I finally modeled for Liam today,” she said suddenly, glancing at him from underneath half closed eyelids.

Sam’s face snapped up. Hearing that name was like being stung by a bee. Liam still sounded and felt much like a threat to his happiness with Petra, even though, to be fair, the man hadn’t done or said anything to make Sam think that he was still pursuing her. Actually, in spite of himself, Sam liked Liam. He seemed like a solid guy, honest and caring. Loving Petra like he did, Sam could not lay fault on a man who had defended her the way he had that day they were hiding in the closet. Only an upstanding guy would challenge his best friend to defend a woman who was no longer in the picture. The Brit had not hesitated calling Jonas on his cowardice and dishonesty toward Petra, and Sam respected him for that. However, he was still very much a risky pawn in this game of love they were playing. “Really?” he exclaimed, trying to keep the annoyance off his voice.

A smile and a knowing twinkle of the eye told him she was testing him. “I still fit in that gown from years ago,” she said, her soft voice flowing like cascading water, soothing his nerves, calming his fears. “Can’t tell you how good that felt.” She chuckled softly. “Are you mad?”

Anxious, yes, but mad? How could he ever be truly mad at her? Even when he thought he was, turned out he was mad at himself. “You got dressed in private, right?” he asked mischievously. “I will have to poke his eyes out if he saw you undress.”

“No worries,” she said, reaching for his hand. “I changed in our closet.”

“Our closet?” he exclaimed with a laugh. “Didn’t realize we own any part of Liam’s studio.”

“Well, since we almost made love in that closet, I think that qualifies us as part owners at least.” Then, she stared at him intently as if trying to read his mind. His stomach stirred with the first butterflies of desire. “Maybe one day, when Liam is out of town, we could go back there and finish what we started.” Sam almost choked on his coffee.
Thanks, Petra.
Now I need a cold shower
.

“Your birthday is this Saturday,” she reminded him, as if he couldn’t remember it himself. “I want to do something special for you. I know you don’t like surprises.” A naughty smile illuminated her oval face. “Unless they come wrapped in lingerie.”

“You make me sound like a pervert,” he protested, taking a big bite of an éclair and squirting its filling onto his shirt. “Damn! I already changed once today.”

Laughing, Petra leaned over the table and with her tongue she licked a small glob of cream that had lodged itself in the corner of his lips. Sam moaned. “Stop it. Or I will have to take you right here in front of everybody,” he warned, caressing her face with his fingers and his eyes. She laughed again.

“So, I gave up on throwing you a party,” she continued, sitting back down. He sighed in relief. She could set him on fire with just one look. “Instead, I will cook you a special meal and—well, you’ll have to wait for it.”

“I have to run some errands first thing Saturday,” he said, emptying his cup with a big gulp. “My employers want a report that morning, so I have to run into town and do that. After, I am all yours.”
For the day and forever.

Since it was cold outside, they remained basking in the warmth of the sweet-smelling bakery for a while longer. Sam pulled his chair beside hers and Petra was now enmeshed in his arms, her head leaning on his shoulder, her hand resting on his thigh. “Sam,” she started in a tiny voice, “I have to ask you something, and I hope you’re not going to get mad.”
Uh-oh, that guilty voice again.
Sam stole a glance at her. What now?

“What did you do, Petra?” he asked, uncomfortably aware that he was dishing out judgment before even hearing her case.

She looked at him with a slightly outraged expression on her face and waved her head at him. “Never mind then,” she said, obviously upset.

“I’m sorry,” he exclaimed with a big sigh. “You just have this penchant for trouble and I am so afraid that—never mind, honey. Ignore me,” he pleaded, offering her a big reconciliatory smile. “Tell me, what do you need?”

Appeased by his apology, she relaxed back into his shoulder. “I have asked Liam to take me to Jonas’ place so I can try to find what I’m looking for.” Of course, she had yet to tell him what that was, but he wasn’t going to ask her. He wondered jealously whether she had confided in her British friend. “Jonas is at a conference in Tacoma today, so Liam offered to take me there. He has the keys. So, I’m going there in a couple hours.”

“Not alone, you’re not,” he exclaimed a little louder than he had planned.

“I won’t be alone,” she protested. “Liam will be with me.” Like that really made him feel better about all of this. Besides, he felt a bit possessive about that place since it was there they had first met.

“I’m coming too.” His voice didn’t allow for discussion, so she gave up and accepted he would be coming along. Sam almost let out a laugh when she, obviously trying to make a point, crossed her arms in defiance and frowned at him.

The decision to brave the cold air was triggered by the dirty looks they were getting from the bakery staff. They had been sitting there for almost two hours and they had apparently overstayed their welcome. Giggling, they bundled up and left. A blast of arctic air hit them with the force of a hammer as soon as they were out the door. “Holy crap,” Sam exclaimed, pulling her closer in an attempt at keeping her warm. “Where do we go? It’s too early to go to Linden’s.”

“Aquarium,” she exclaimed excitedly.

“Excuse me?” Not sure he had heard correctly, Sam stared at her lips. “Aquarium?”

“Yes, let’s go to the aquarium down at the Waterfront,” she said enthusiastically. “It’s just a few minutes’ walk from here and it’s warm and beautiful. I used to spend a lot of time there when I wanted some peace of mind. Let’s go there. I want to introduce you to my favorite animal.”

Sam was already walking in the direction of the Waterfront, gently coaxed by the small woman beside him. “Oh yeah?” he exclaimed, skepticism in his tone. “You’re on a first name basis with a fish? Why am I not surprised?”

“She’s not a fish,” Petra protested. “Come on, walk faster.”

The walk to the aquarium was brief and soon they were within the walls of the marine world. Petra’s eyes sparkled as they walked the dark hallways of the building and she bounced from foot to foot like a little girl about to get her favorite candy. “I always loved the feeling I get in here,” she said with a giggle. “When I was a kid I often asked my parents to visit the sea animals, either here or by the ferry station where the harbor seals swim and play. Now, as a woman, the aquarium gives me the peace I often long for. Beneath the Underwater Dome, during low-traffic hours, I can replicate the peace and quiet I get when swimming.” Her face was flushed and her eyes wide as she spoke. “Being under water, with no need to breathe or talk, a temple of silence surrounding me, I can quiet the troubled voices of my soul. Here, I can let go of the pain and anger and just…be. There’s something about the ocean waters that, like some magic chamber, soothes my soul and slows time itself.” She glanced at him, blushing crimson. “I wanted to share this haven with you. Is that crazy?”

Even though he probably didn’t fully understand it, this felt like an act of intimacy to him. He felt ridiculously happy she was sharing it with him.

As she held his hand firmly in hers, she pulled him through the hallways and rooms of the aquarium without stopping. Sam could tell she had a certain place in mind. At one point she stopped to talk soothingly—and yes, she actually talked—to a funny looking puffer fish that apparently felt threatened by something, swollen as it was. Sam had to restrain a chuckle. How wonderfully kooky of her, he thought, amused. Then, she kept going until they were standing in the big, curved space of the Underwater Dome. The Puget Sound was all around them; it faced them, it surrounded them from the back, and it hovered over them. It was an amazing sight. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he had been there, and he had certainly forgotten about this amazing room. Fish of all sizes and shapes swam around in their unhurried pace, friend and foe in the same tank and somehow getting along. There were sharks and rockfish, salmon and rakes, small fish and big fish, and even a giant octopus that crawled around in its fluid way, strangely graceful for such an odd-looking creature.

“There she is,” Petra yelled suddenly, pointing above their heads. Like a mermaid, a harbor seal waved herself across the water toward the glass. Her speckled skin gave her a youthful look while her whiskers, full and bristly, made her look older and wiser. “There’s my girl.” Petra waved at the seal as if she could see them. Much to his surprise, the seal made a full turn and headed toward them. Could the seal actually see them?

Petra got closer to the glass and placed one hand on it, waiting for the seal to approach. “We have known each other for many years,” she said, as if talking about a human being. “She always comes and says hi when I visit. I call her Pippi because of her freckles.” She laughed as the seal, obviously recognizing her, came to nuzzle at the glass behind Petra’s hand. “She has several pups,” Petra continued. “When they were small, she used to bring them with her. She is a lovely creature, aren’t you, Pippi?” The seal seemed to agree, waving her head back and forth.

“I’ll be damned,” Sam exclaimed, floored by the seal’s reaction to Petra. “She actually knows you.”

“Seals are extremely intelligent and loving,” she said, patting Pippi’s nose through the glass. “Sometimes she comes out into the harbor. I’ve seen her by the pier several times.”

The seal got tired of rubbing herself on the glass and swam away with a great flap of her tail. Petra backed away from the glass as well and went to sit down on one of the benches that punctuated the space. Sam sat with her, holding her hand in his, a little lost for words. He wasn’t sure why, but he had the feeling this was a big moment for them as a couple. Whatever meaning this aquarium had for Petra, she was willing to share it with him. That meant a lot.