Welcome Back, Stacey! (4 page)

"Stacey, don't be difficult," said Dad. "This doctor is well respected and we liked her very much." "I haven't even met her and already I hate her," I told my father.
He ignored my comment. "She knows about our problems, our lives, you, even our finances. After she suggested that a divorce was probably the best solution to our problems, she helped us arrange as amicable a divorce as possible." "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"It means splitting up with as little trouble as we can, and making things as easy on you as we can." "Could we please backtrack for a second?" I said.
But Mom changed the subject. "Stacey, have you given yourself your insulin today?" "Of course I have." "Just checking." Mom looked at her watch. "It's dinnertime," she added.
"I'm not hungry," I said.
"You have to eat anyway." Mom was losing her patience.
She was right, though. I did have to eat. With my kind of diabetes, I can't skip meals. I have to eat regularly, eat what the doctor says, and take in a certain number of calories every day. It's such a drag. If I don't do those things, my blood sugar gets out of whack and I'm in trouble.
"Come on," said Mom. "We can continue this discussion over dinner. I ordered in from the deli." "Unnecessary expense," muttered Dad, but neither Mom nor I said anything.
Mom had ordered several different kinds of salad and some plain sandwiches - lean meats on whole wheat bread. Healthy stuff that I could eat. She'd set a bowl of fruit out, too, and I knew I was supposed to eat an apple or a banana with dinner. So I filled up my plate, even though I had no appetite at all.
The three of us sat around the kitchen table with the remains of the deli food in a jumble on a nearby counter. Actually, I don't think any of us was hungry, but we all began to eat.
"Now, what was it you wanted to ask?" said Mom.
"I wanted to know more about your problems," I replied. "I mean, if you can tell me. I want to know just what it is that's so big you can't work it out." "Stacey, it's a lot of things," said my father.
"And," added Mom, "some of them you probably wouldn't - " "Wouldn't understand?" I interrupted. "Listen, I'm not a baby anymore. I'm thirteen years old." "It's not that," said my mother. "I don't think anyone except your father and I could understand some of these things. They're personal. They have to do with our feelings toward each other. And those feelings have changed." "Are you in love anymore?" I asked suddenly. "Are you?" Mom and Dad glanced at each other.
There was a pause.
At last Dad said, "Your mother and I will always care about each other. We'll always love each other - and we'll love you, of course. But no, we're not in love anymore." I felt stung. I looked down at my plate. It was mostly full, so I began shoveling in the food. The faster I ate, the faster I could leave the table. While I was eating (and listening to myself chew, since no one was talking), I realized that my parents hadn't really answered my original question.
"Please tell me more about your problems," I said firmly. I didn't look at my parents, just at my plate, which was growing cleaner by the moment.
I heard Dad say, "Mostly we just have differences, Stace." "Irreconcilable ones," added Mom. "We are not meant to be living together any longer." That did it. I was pretty much finished with my dinner by then, so I banged my fork onto the table, stood up, threw down my napkin, and stalked away without excusing myself.
I stalked right into my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I slammed it so hard I could feel my walls shake. The china figures on my dresser rattled.
I locked my door.
Then I switched on my stereo. I put my loudest tape in the tape deck, turned the volume up as high as it would go, and blasted out my eardrums for a minute or two. But I turned the volume down before any of the neighbors could complain.
Mom and Dad knocked on my door five times that night. I wouldn't answer them. I wouldn't leave my room, either. At ten-thirty, I fell asleep with my clothes on. I didn't wake up until seven o'clock the next morning.
Chapter 6.
Thursday was the most awful morning of my life. My body felt grungy because I'd spent the night in my clothes, and my mouth felt like an old sock. It tasted the way I imagined an old sock would taste, too.
Groggily, I rolled out of bed, tripping over my sneakers, which were lying on their sides next to the bed. I turned off the power on my stereo and looked out my window. (I hadn't bothered to close the blinds the night before.) Outside I saw a chilly gray day.
Perfect, I thought. The day fit my mood.
I made my way to the door of my bedroom and listened for a moment. I wanted to put .off running into Mom or Dad for as long as possible. I didn't hear a sound. Had Dad already left for work? He usually left early - but not by seven o'clock.
I dared to open my door. Then I tiptoed into the hallway and peeked into the living room.
My father was asleep on the couch! He and Mom didn't even share their bedroom anymore. How awful. How long had that been going on? I wondered. And did Mom ever sleep on the couch or was it all up to Dad? I turned away, sure I had seen something I wasn't supposed to have seen. But it couldn't be helped. We'd all overslept a little that morning.
I retreated to the bathroom, where I locked myself in. (I seemed to feel more secure locked into places.) I took a long, hot shower and washed my hair twice. Afterward, I brushed my teeth two or three times, trying to get rid of the old-sock taste. While I was brushing, a knock sounded at the door.
"Morning, honey!" called Mom's voice. "Why don't you take it easy today? You don't have to go to school if you don't want to." In answer, I turned the water on as hard as it would go.
A few moments later I was locked in my room again, trying to decide what to wear. I was going to school, of course. There was no way I would stay at home with either Mom or Dad. (I was pretty sure they wouldn't both be there.) Another knock.
This time Dad's voice called, "Hi, Stace! How do bacon and eggs sound for breakfast? I'll cook. I'm going to the office a little later than usual this morning." I kept my mouth shut.
I had never, ever felt so angry at my parents. Not even when they had dragged me to this awful doctor who wanted to change my whole life around in order to help my diabetes.
Dad waited for my answer. When he didn't get one, he left. I heard his footsteps retreat into the living room on his way to the kitchen.
I dressed. I put on one of my better outfits - short red pants with purple suspenders over a bright yellow and black sweat shirt. On my feet I put my purple push-down socks and a pair of red hightop sneakers.
I added jewelry - a big necklace with wooden bananas and oranges strung on it, and dangly earrings shaped like sunglasses.
I fixed my hair. I brushed it until it was full and shiny. Then I rolled up a red scarf and tied it in my hair like a headband. My outfit was pretty colorful. I think I was trying to make up for the gray day.
After I had tied the scarf in my hair, I was ready for school. I wished I could just beam myself there like they do on Star Trek. That way, I wouldn't have to see my parents. But obviously, I couldn't beam myself anywhere. Even if I could have, what would have been the point? I'd have to face Mom and Dad sooner or later.
So I did. I unlocked my door and walked into the kitchen.
"Good morning!" said my parents.
Mom was setting the table. Dad was standing over the stove, turning bacon and stirring a pan of scrambled eggs.
I took my glass from the table, filled it with orange juice, got a bagel out of the refrigerator and a banana from the fruit bowl, and sat down to my own version of breakfast.
"No eggs?" said Dad at the same moment that Mom said, "No bacon?" I pulled an old trick. I reached over to the counter and picked up The New York Times. I opened it and pretended to read, but mostly I just concentrated on eating fast.
Mom and Dad tried several more times to talk to me.
"We know you're mad," said Mom. (No kidding.) "We understand," said Dad. (Do you? Do you really?) After that, they lapsed into silence.
As soon as possible, I left the table, gave my teeth another brushing, gathered up my schoolbooks, put on my blue-jean jacket, and walked out the door. For once in her life, my mother didn't call after me to have fun and be careful.
Even though I didn't have any time to spare, I dawdled on the way to school. I wanted to think about things. I hadn't done my homework the night before, so what did it matter if I got to school late, anyway? Besides, knowing Mom and Dad, one of them was calling my guidance counselor right now to tell her what was going on. I would probably get some special treatment for awhile, I thought, as I left our block and made a right onto a busy avenue.
Caitlin did. Keith did. Shayla did.
Who are Caitlin, Keith, and Shayla? They're kids in my grade whose parents got divorced earlier in the year. Think of it. Three other divorces right in the eighth grade. I sure wasn't the only divorced kid around. (That's what Caitlin and Shayla call themselves - divorced kids, meaning kids; with divorced parents.) But that didn't make me any less angry.
In fact, it made me more angry.
What was wrong with parents these days? Why couldn't they get married and stay married like parents did in olden times? Whatever happened to commitment? What happened to "forever"? To "till death do us part"? Really, someone ought to rewrite the wedding vows so that the bride and groom say, "Till divorce do us part." Even while I was thinking those things, though, I was remembering something I'd heard Caitlin say at the beginning of the year. She'd said, "I'm glad my parents are getting divorced. Now I won't have to listen to their fights." I'd thought she'd just been saying that, that she hadn't meant it. But now I wasn't so sure. I wouldn't mind an end to the arguing.
But I still didn't want Mom and Dad to get divorced.
I entered my homeroom five minutes after the first bell had rung.
Mrs. Kaufman, my homeroom teacher, looked up at me, smiled, then continued reading the morning announcements.
So one of my parents had called the school. Mrs. Kaufman knew. If she hadn't known, she would have stopped reading the announcements and asked why I was late. She always does that. And if a kid doesn't have a written excuse, she cooks up some sort of punishment. She never just smiles and continues with what she's doing.
I spent that day in a fog. I barely spoke to anyone. And I was constantly dreaming up ways not to have to see my friends. I just couldn't face telling them the news yet. I took different routes to my classes and to my locker. When I had to use the bathroom, I went to this old one on the first floor that's used mostly by teachers. I even hit on a way to avoid Laine in the cafeteria at lunchtime. See, we have sixth period lunch. So at the beginning of fifth period, I asked my science teacher if I could go to the library to work on a project. Then, instead of going to the library, I went to the cafeteria and ate a very fast lunch. As soon as I was done I really did go to the library. I stayed there right through sixth period, holed up at a desk in a remote corner behind shelves of books about sociology.
I did a lot of thinking and absolutely no work. This is what I was thinking: When Caitlin's parents got divorced, her father moved out and her mother stayed in their apartment.
When Keith's parents got divorced, his father moved out and his mother stayed in their apartment.
And when Shayla's parents got divorced, her father moved out and her mother stayed in their apartment.
Where, I wondered, would Dad go?
Then I thought of something else. I'd heard Mom say the day before that she wanted to leave the city. Had she meant that she wanted our whole family to move, maybe as a way of trying to save the marriage? Or did she still want to move, without Dad? If she moved, would I have to go with her? Did kids ever get to stay with their fathers? Would Dad keep our apartment or find another one?
Other thoughts crowded into my head. I thought of the Trip-Man. The Trip-Man is this awful guy that Dawn Schafer's mother dated a lot. And he wasn't the only man she'd dated since she moved back to Stoneybrook. There was Mary Anne's father, and there were some other men.
What if I were living with my mom and she married someone I hated? I'd have a wicked stepfather. What if he had kids I hated? I'd have wicked stepsisters and stepbrothers.
Suddenly, I felt lost. No one had died or left me, but I felt as if I were on a lake in a boat and had fallen overboard with no life vest, and didn't know how to swim.
I knew divorce was pretty common. Look at Caitliyn, Keith, and Shayla. Look at all the other kids in my grade whose parents had already gotten divorced. Look at Dawn. Look at Kristy. The divorce rate is fifty percent. I read that somewhere. That means that about half of all couples who get married will eventually get divorced.
And still, I felt embarrassed.
I knew that was why I'd avoided Laine. I was embarrassed - and angry. I couldn't face telling her the awful news yet. Besides, I had too many unanswered questions such as, Where will I live? Whom will I live with? What happens if I wind up with a stepparent I don't like?
I was truly miserable. All I wanted was to turn the clock back twenty-four hours to the day before and let things go on as they'd been going on, fights and all. I decided I would rather have fights than a divorce.
I did not want any changes.
Chapter 7.
Somehow, I managed to avoid Laine all day. It wasn't easy, considering we have the last class of the afternoon together. But I made sure I got to class late (of course, my teacher didn't care), and then when the bell rang, I gathered up my things and raced to Mr. Berlenbach's desk. I pretended I didn't understand what we'd covered in class that day. We got into a long discussion. When it looked like Laine might wait for me, since she was hovering around the door, I waved her on.
Five minutes later, I left Mr. Berlenbach's room and walked toward our apartment building in peace. Well, in as much peace as you can find on busy New York streets. I took my time. I didn't have a baby-sitting job that afternoon, but that didn't mean I had to go right home.
Suddenly an idea came to me. I found some change in my purse, headed for a pay phone, and called home.
Mom answered.
In a rush, I informed her that I was going to spend the afternoon at the library, but that I'd be home for dinner. I didn't give her a chance to say much. She got as far as, "All right, but Stacey - " And I said, "See you later. 'Bye," and hung up.