Welcome to the Monkey House: The Special Edition (19 page)

“You’ve got the bug too, now,” Anne said, laughing.

“Bug, hell! I’ve got the money! I’m going to surprise Grace by having that house just the way she wants it, when she comes home.”

“Exactly, George?”

“Eggs-zactly!”

And Anne and I were willingly drafted to help him. We went through Grace’s files and found detailed specifications for every room, right down to bookends and soap dishes. It was a tough job tracking down every item, but George was indefatigable, and so was Anne, and money was no object.

Time was everything, money was nothing. Electricians, plasterers, masons, and carpenters worked around the clock for bonus wages; and Anne, for no pay at all, harassed department stores into hurrying with the houseful of furniture she’d ordered.

Two days before Grace was to come home, the inheritance was gone, and the house was magnificent. George was unquestionably the happiest, proudest man on earth. The job was flawless, save for one tiny detail not worth mentioning. Anne had failed to match exactly the yellow square of cloth Grace had wanted for her living-room curtains and the cover for the couch. The shade Anne had had to settle for was just a little bit lighter. George and I couldn’t see the difference at all.

And then Grace came home, cheerful but weak, leaning on George’s arm. It was late in the afternoon, and Anne and I were waiting in the living room, literally trembling with excitement. As George helped Grace up the walk, Anne fussed nervously
with a bouquet of red roses she had brought and placed in a massive glass vase in the center of the coffee table.

We heard George’s hand on the latch, the door swung open, and the McClellans stood on the threshold of their dream house.

“Oh, George,” Grace murmured. She let go of his arm, and, as though miraculously drawing strength from her surroundings, she walked from room to room, looking all about her as we had seen her do a thousand times. But this time of times she was speechless.

She returned at last to the living room, and sank onto the plum-colored chaise longue.

George turned down the volume of the phonograph to a sweet whisper. “Well?”

Grace sighed. “Don’t rush me,” she said. “I’m trying to find the words, the exact words.”

“You like it?” George asked.

Grace looked at him and laughed incredulously. “Oh, George, George, of course I like it! You darling, it’s wonderful! I’m home, home at last.” Her lip trembled, and we all began to cloud up.

“Nothing wrong?” George asked huskily.

“You’ve taken wonderful care of it. Everything’s so clean and beautiful.”

“Well, it’d sure be a surprise if things
weren’t
clean,” George said. He clapped his hands together. “Now then, you well enough for a drink?”

“I’m not dead.”

“Leave us out, George,” I said. “We’re leaving. We just had to see her expression when she walked in, but now we’ll clear out.”

“Oh, say now—” George said.

“No. I mean it. We’re going. You two ought to be alone—you
three
, including the house.”

“Stay right where you are,” George said. He hurried into the dazzling white kitchen to mix the drinks.

“All right, so we’ll sneak out,” Anne said. We started for the front door. “Don’t get up, Grace.”

“Well, if you really won’t stay, good-by,” Grace said from the chaise longue. “I hardly know how to thank you.”

“It was the most fun I’ve had in years,” said Anne. She looked proudly around the room, and went over to the coffee table to rearrange the roses slightly. “The only thing that worried me was the color of the slipcover and curtains. Are they all right?”

“Why, Anne, did you notice them too? I wasn’t even going to mention them. It would certainly be silly to let a little thing like that spoil my homecoming.” She frowned a little.

Anne was crestfallen. “Oh dear, I hope they didn’t spoil it.”

“No, no, of course they didn’t,” Grace said. “I don’t quite understand it, but it doesn’t matter a bit.”

“Well, I can explain,” Anne said.

“Something in the air, I suppose.”

“In the air?” Anne said.

“Well, how else can you explain it? That material held its color just perfectly for years, and then, poof, it fades like this in a few weeks.”

George walked in with a frosty pewter pitcher. “Now, you’ll stay for a quick one, won’t you?”

Anne and I took glasses hungrily, gratefully, wordlessly.

“There’s a new
Home Beautiful
that came today, sweetheart,” George said.

Grace shrugged. “Read one and you’ve read them all.” She lifted her glass. “Happy days, and thanks, darlings, so much for the roses.”

(1951)

T
HE FARTHEST AWAY
from home I ever sold a storm window was in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, practically in the front yard of President Kennedy’s summer home. My field of operation is usually within about twenty-five miles of my home, which is in North Crawford, New Hampshire.

The Hyannis Port thing happened because somebody misunderstood something I said, and thought I was an ardent Goldwater Republican. Actually, I hadn’t made up my mind one way or the other about Goldwater.

What happened was this: The program chairman of the North Crawford Lions Club was a Goldwater man, and he had this college boy named Robert Taft Rumfoord come talk to a meeting one day about the Democratic mess in Washington and Hyannis Port. The boy was national president of some kind of student organization that was trying to get the country back to what he called First Principles. One of the First Principles, I remember, was getting rid of the income tax. You should have heard the applause.

I got a funny feeling that the boy didn’t care much more about politics than I did. He had circles under his eyes, and he looked as though he’d just as soon be somewhere else. He would say strong things, but they came out sounding like music on a kazoo. The only time he got really interesting was when
he told about being in sailboat races and golf and tennis matches with different Kennedys and their friends. He said that there was a lot of propaganda around about what a fine golfer Bobby Kennedy was, whereas Bobby actually couldn’t golf for sour apples. He said Pierre Salinger was one of the worst golfers in the world, and didn’t care for sailing or tennis at all.

Robert Taft Rumfoord’s parents were there to hear him. They had come all the way from Hyannis Port. They were both very proud of him—or at least the father was. The father had on white flannel trousers and white shoes, even though there was snow on the ground, and a double-breasted blue coat with brass buttons. The boy introduced him as
Commodore
William Rumfoord. The Commodore was a short man with very shaggy eyebrows, and pale blue eyes. He looked like a gruff, friendly teddy-bear, and so did his son. I found out later, from a Secret Service man, that the Kennedys sometimes called the Rumfoords
“the Pooh people,”
on account of they were so much like the bear in the children’s book
Winnie the Pooh
.

The Commodore’s wife wasn’t a Pooh person, though. She was thin and quick, and maybe two inches taller than the Commodore. Bears have a way of looking as though they’re pretty much satisfied with everything. The Commodore’s lady didn’t have that look. I could tell she was jumpy about a lot of things.

After the boy was through pouring fire and brimstone on the Kennedys, with his father applauding everything he said, Hay Boyden, the building mover, stood up. He was a Kennedy Democrat, and he said some terrible things to the boy. The only one I remember is the first thing he said: “Son, if you keep blowing off steam like this during your Boy Scout days, you aren’t going to have an ounce of pressure left when you’re old enough to vote.” It got worse from there on.

The boy didn’t get mad. He just got embarrassed, and answered back with some more kazoo music. It was the Commodore who really cared. He turned the color of tomato juice. He stood up and he argued back, did it pretty well, even
though his wife was pulling at the bottom of his brass-buttoned coat the whole time. She was trying to get him to stop raising such an uproar, but the Commodore loved the uproar.

The meeting broke up with practically everybody embarrassed, and I went over to Hay Boyden to talk to him about something that didn’t have anything to do with Kennedy
or
Goldwater. It was about a bathtub enclosure I had sold him. He had insisted on installing it himself, saving himself about seven dollars and a half. Only it leaked, and his dining-room ceiling fell down, and Hay claimed that was the fault of the merchandise and not the installation. Hay had some poison left in his system from his argument with the boy, so he used it up on me. I answered him back with the truth, and walked away from him, and Commodore Rumfoord grabbed my hand and shook it. He thought I’d been defending his boy and Barry Goldwater.

“What business you in?” he asked me.

I told him, and, the next thing I knew, I had an order for storm windows all around on a four-story house in Hyannis Port. The Commodore called that big old house a cottage.

·    ·    ·

“You’re a Commodore in the Navy?” I asked him.

“No,” he said. “My father, however, was Secretary of the Navy under William Howard Taft. That’s my full name: Commodore William Howard Taft Rumfoord.”

“You’re in the Coast Guard?” I said.

“You mean the
Kennedy Private Fleet
?” he said.

“Pardon me?” I said.

“That’s what they ought to call the Coast Guard these days,” he said. “Its sole mission seems to be to protect Kennedys while they water-ski behind high-powered stinkpots.”

“You’re
not
in the Coast Guard?” I said. I couldn’t imagine what was left.

“I was Commodore of the Hyannis Port Yacht Club in 1946,” he said.

He didn’t smile, and neither did I, and neither did his wife, whose name was Clarice. But Clarice
did
give a little sigh that sounded like the whistle on a freight train far, far away on a wet morning.

I didn’t know what the trouble was at the time, but Clarice was sighing because the Commodore hadn’t held any job of any description since 1946. Since then, he’d made a full-time career of raging about whoever was President of the United States, including Eisenhower.

Especially
Eisenhower.

·    ·    ·

So I went down to Hyannis Port in my truck to measure the Commodore’s windows late in June. His driveway was on Irving Avenue. So was the Kennedys’ driveway. And President Kennedy and I hit Cape Cod on the very same day.

Traffic to Hyannis Port was backed up through three villages. There were license plates from every state in the Republic. The line was moving about four miles an hour. I was passed by several groups of fifty-mile hikers. My radiator came to a boil four times.

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, because I was just an ordinary citizen, and had to get stuck in lines like that. But then I recognized the man in the limousine up ahead of me. It was Adlai Stevenson. He wasn’t moving any faster than I was, and his radiator was boiling, too.

One place there, we got stuck so long that Mr. Stevenson and I got out and walked around a little. I took the opportunity to ask him how the United Nations were getting along. He told me they were getting along about as well as could be expected. That wasn’t anything I didn’t already know.

When I finally got to Hyannis Port, I found out Irving Avenue was blocked off by police and Secret Service men. Adlai Stevenson got to go down it, but I didn’t. The police made me get back into line with the tourists, who were being shunted down a street one block over from Irving Avenue.

The next thing I knew, I was in Hyannis, going past the
Presidential Motor Inn
, the
First Family Waffle Shop
, the
PT-109 Cocktail Lounge
, and a miniature golf course called the
New Frontier
.

I went into the waffle shop, and I called up the Rumfoords to find out how an ordinary storm-window salesman was supposed to get down Irving Avenue without dying in a hail of lead. It was the butler I talked to. He took down my license number, and found out how tall I was and what color my eyes were and all. He said he would tell the Secret Service, and they would let me by next time.

It was late in the afternoon, and I’d missed lunch, so I decided to have a waffle. All the different kinds of waffles were named after Kennedys and their friends and relatives. A waffle with strawberries and cream was a
Jackie
. A waffle with a scoop of ice cream was a
Caroline
. They even had a waffle named
Arthur Schlesinger, Jr
.

I had a thing called a
Teddy
—and a cup of
Joe
.

·    ·    ·

I got through next time, went right down Irving Avenue behind the Defense Minister of Pakistan. Except for us, that street was as quiet as a stretch of the Sahara Desert.

There wasn’t anything to see at all on the President’s side, except for a new, peeled-cedar fence about eight feet high and two hundred feet long, with a gate in it. The Rumfoord cottage faced the gate from across the street. It was the biggest house, and one of the oldest, in the village. It was stucco. It had towers and balconies, and a veranda that ran around all four sides.

On a second-floor balcony was a huge portrait of Barry Goldwater. It had bicycle reflectors in the pupils of its eyes. Those eyes stared right through the Kennedy gate. There were floodlights all around it, so I could tell it was lit up at night. And the floodlights were rigged with blinkers.

·    ·    ·

A man who sells storm windows can never be really sure about what class he belongs to, especially if he installs the windows, too. So I was prepared to keep out from under foot, and go about my business, measuring the windows. But the Commodore welcomed me like a guest of great importance. He invited me to cocktails and dinner, and to spend the night. He said I could start measuring the next day.

So we had martinis out on the veranda. Only we didn’t sit on the most pleasant side, which looked out on the Yacht Club dock and the harbor. We sat on the side that looked out on all the poor tourists being shunted off toward Hyannis. The Commodore liked to talk about all those fools out there.