What a Girl Needs (4 page)

Lesson Learned: People often don’t want the truth. They want the easiest path.
You know, the road I can never seem to take.

“I’m not placing blame, Ash. I’m basically saying the same thing you are, that it didn’t work. Maybe it’s part of a bigger master plan.”

I exhale. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not meant for the world outside of Silicon Valley. I mean, you can take a girl out of the Reasons, but you can’t take the Reason out of the girl.”

“Excuse me,” Kevin says. “I did take the Reason out of the girl. Or have you forgotten?”

I grin at him as we pass a road sign for the Philly Airport. But yeah, he totally did take the reason for being single out of the girl.

“Philadelphia…the city of brotherly love,” I say as we pass a road sign. “Do you think they call it that because it’s freezing half the year and proximity plus fuzzy socks are necessary for survival?”

“I do not think so. I do think it’s early and your brain isn’t quite engaged.”

“You’re probably right. I’m focusing on winter, when brotherly love is possible. I’m forgetting about the rest of the year. When it gets so hot and sticky that I feel like an abandoned lollipop glued to the sidewalk. Like if you pulled me up, I’d make that terrible sucking sound like a cleaner fish in a tank.
Ah, Philly.
The smog-soaked, history-heavy city that holds one attraction for me: You, Dr. Kevin Novak.”

“I’m honored.” Somehow, he doesn’t sound honored.

As we get off the Interstate, I have this sick feeling in my stomach. “But it’s still one hundred times better than Atlanta.”

“You’ve made your point. Atlanta is not an option.”

Somehow, I don’t think I have.
I know Kevin’s mother, and she’s going to use my absence. Somehow. It’s just how she rolls.

“Do you think I’m slow?” He cocks his eyebrow and beams those beautiful eyes at me.

“No, I think your family is…persuasive.”

He winks at me. “You have one advantage over them.”

“Only one?”

Kevin finally parks the car and cuts off the motor. He turns to me and looks into my eyes in that captivating way that he has, as if I’m the only person on the planet. The very same look that makes his family worth enduring. It’s as if he can see inside my very soul and comfort me with a glance.

He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking to send you away. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to come home to an empty house.”

“It’s not empty,” I remind him. “Rhett is there. You’re not going to forget to feed my dog, are you?”

“Emily will feed the dog.”

“Emily?” My stomach lunges. “Emily, your sister?”

“She’s coming to stay with me while you’re gone.”

“In our house?”

“Ashley, would you rather my sister visit while you were there?”

Truthfully, I’d rather she not visit at all. “Rhett doesn’t like Emily.” Translation: I don’t like Emily and my dog is an equally good judge of character.

“The dog will be fine. Kay needs you. Have you forgotten?”

“Doesn’t Emily have a baby to baste? What’s she doing traveling all over the country when she’s pregnant?”

“My sister isn’t exactly following God. Do you want my nephew or niece raised in the kind of environment Emily will currently provide?”

“Is that a trick question?” My breathing is coming too fast. I’m going to lose the filter between my brain and my mouth, and that’s never a good thing. “I’m wondering, when did you and your mother and Emily plan all this…behind my back?” See? It came out as an accusation and I didn’t mean it that way!

Kevin’s jaw tightens. “I’ll work on a timeline for you.” He rubs his eyes. “I’m not up to this now.”

My fingers and toes are tingling, like I’m losing my grip. “I just find it interesting that she’s coming while I’m in California. Is that why you’re sending me?”

“Of course not! You’re welcome to stay home and visit with Emily if you’d like.”

I’d rather wear cheap shoes that were a size too small. “No, thank you.” I clasp my fidgety hands in my lap. “Kevin, she’s going to tell you about a job in Atlanta. I know this is going to happen as sure as I sit here. I can feel it. It’s like the more I resist it, the more I am going to become a transplant Scarlett O’Hara.”

Kevin pulls in a noisy breath. “Ashley, you already are a transplant Scarlett. No matter where you live.” Another shake of his head. “And my sister didn’t plan this. She just called yesterday and said she needed to get away.”

“
We
need to get away. Alone. You and I.”

“We can make that happen, Ash, but not right now.”

Fear bubbles to the surface again, like I’m losing the man I love. “Just…keep your sister out of my shoes.”

Kevin tilts his head. “Your shoes? She’s not going to wear your shoes.”

See, how he makes me sound totally ridiculous while I know Emily’s going to be stuffing her fat, expectant, swollen tootsies into my Donald Pliners, and then saying something like,
if they don’t fit you anymore, Ashley, I’ll take them
.

“I’m not going.” I cross my arms in front of me. If I’m going to take the blame for us not having a family yet, I may as well take it in person.

“Well, that’s good. Stay. My sister said she wanted to see the City. Maybe you can take her to see the Liberty Bell while I’m at work. Introduce her to all the delightful sugary, caffeinated goodness that is Wawa.”

He called my bluff. Kevin knows I’d head to Tunisia rather than spend time with my sister-in-law – and I don’t even know where Tunisia is. While this doesn’t make me the best Christian on the planet, it does make me sane. Kevin hops out of the car, walks around the car to open my side. He swings the car door open with a bit too much vigor.

He kisses me as I stand up. “I promise. I won’t let my sister manipulate me.”

I’ve got no choice but to believe him. As we walk across the pedestrian bridge to the terminal, I’m reminded how love has no rhyme or reason.

As a single woman—or “reason” as I liked to call myself, I tried so hard for a man’s attention. Lesser men than Kevin, and I just scared them off like I was some kind of bunny boiler. In contrast, Kevin simply loved me. To see him, one would think he belongs with a darling petite blonde, who has shampoo commercial hair and one of those tiny waists you’re tempted to try to fit your hands around. But he’s with me, and while I may question it every day, I wish someone told me: You don’t have to work that hard for real love. God just makes it happen. It might have spared me heartache, and a few cringe-worthy moments. Maybe even a brush or two with the law while I was overreacting.

“Emily won’t be here when I return, right? Because I’m not sure I can glimpse my gorgeous, golden California Mountains and find the stamina to get on the plane to come back to my sister-in-law. No offense.”

Kevin smirks at me. “I’m here in Philly. Don’t you want to come back to me?”

Darn it. He’s got me there, and he knows it.

I gaze into Kevin’s green eyes, and I know that it isn’t really a concern that I’d never return to him. He’s stuck with me. He promised in front of the minister and everything. However, I don’t want to covet, and I covet my old job and my old life in countless ways. I wrap my arms around him tightly and press myself against his chest, fighting back the tears.

“Ashley, you’re only going for a visit. I’ll be working on the study for long hours. That’s why this is the best time. Quit acting like you’ll never see me again.”

I nod as I pull away. It’s not Kevin’s fault that I have no life in Philadelphia. It’s mine. And I fear if I don’t find one before we move elsewhere, this might be my lot in life. Saint Paul was content in jail, so what’s wrong with me? To be a washed-up patent attorney who
used
to dress well, who
used
to sing at church and who
used
to host parties and Bible studies?

“Emily may look after Rhett, but don’t just ignore him when you get home. He’ll be so excited to see you at the end of the day. Be sure and let him give you his version of a hug.”

Kevin nods. “I hate when that dog licks me. Can’t you train him?”

“I have trained him. Rhett loves you, that’s his sign of affection.”

“Hmm.”

We walk into the Philadelphia airport, which is white, bright and open—as if you’re entering the Promised Land. My bright pink luggage stands out like a neon jumpsuit at an Amish gathering. I scan my license and check my luggage. As I hand it off to the attendant, I hike my laptop case over my shoulder and gaze longingly at my husband.

“Really? You can’t even come with me for a few days?”

“The next move will be permanent, honey. I promise. Go and think about where you’d like to live. I’ll send you a list of my top choices for the fellowship and we’ll vote when you come home.”

I reach up to kiss his jaw and inhale deeply.

He pulls away. “Would you stop that?”

“I’m taking one last sniff. I told you, scent is the most powerful memory-inducer.”

“And what kind of memory is my wife as a bloodhound going to give me? Do you see anyone else sniffing their significant others?”

“Maybe they don’t smell as good as you do.”

“Sometimes, Ashley—”

“I also stole a T-shirt of yours to sniff while I’m gone,” I admit. “So if you’re looking for that Boston Marathon T-shirt, don’t bother.”

“Check. When you get back in two weeks, the study will be over. I’ll narrow down the programs and we’ll decide if we’re staying.”

My heart sinks just a little when he says it.
Staying.
I didn’t know how much more I could take of Philadelphia. There is an energy to it that simply doesn’t agree with mine. And it’s a great city, so I feel guilty for not loving it, but Philly simply never felt like home. Not mine anyway.

I’m a left-coast kind of girl.

Kevin cups my jaw and kisses me deeply. “Stop worrying. Silicon Valley is waiting, go remember your life before you became a real housewife of Philadelphia.”

I nod absently with images in my head of Atlanta. I can see my sister-in-law Emily in an antebellum gown dancing a Virginia reel without a partner. My sister-in-law is certifiable. I know people always say that about their in-laws, but in my case, it’s true. She once canceled my wedding dress (a Vera Wang) and had one made exactly for a Civil War bride. Who does that? Someone without proper boundaries, or obviously, fashion sense.

Kevin’s soothing voice interrupts my daytime nightmare. “You’ll come back to me with that spark in your eye again and we’ll plan our next step.” His gaze holds expectation and I don’t want to let him down. Clearly, I need a life, and getting perspective must be tantamount to that.

What happens if I return with no more direction than I’m leaving with now? If I don’t have a direction, my compass could be pointed south. I enter into the security detail of the airport and wave goodbye to my gorgeous husband through the glass planes. Kevin briefly glances over his shoulder then turns and quickly walks away.

I thoroughly reject the thought that my mother was right.

Silicon Valley, get ready, Ashley Stockingdale Novak, like the Governator,
will be back
.

‡

A
s I land
in San Jose, it’s like that scene in
The Wizard of O
z when everything turns colorful, and I shiver at the beautiful sight of
home.
The sky is bluer, the mountains seem to be shimmering gold and the view is sharp and crisp. My body relaxes as the plane touches ground and my heart is fluttering with excitement. All I want to do is get off this plane, and I nearly shout, “Amateurs, get out of my way!”

I mean, I’m home. I’m not expecting a parade or anything, but let’s be honest, I wouldn’t turn one down.

It’s these days that I wish I were Moses. I could stamp my staff to the floor and the aisle would clear, giving me a straight path to sunshine and my destiny. I will find my purpose again. I feel it.

Once in the wide, open terminal, I want to dance with my arms outstretched, but I catch sight of all the travelers in their tech T-shirts, and grin. I forgot that no one in Silicon Valley actually purchases clothing. They simply go to trade shows and stock up on nerd-wear that advertise some new gadget. Is it any wonder I miss standing out? It really took very little effort here—which makes me wonder if maybe I wasn’t the fashionista I thought I was—maybe I was just slightly better than the tech nerds in free semiconductor T-shirts.

That’s a disconcerting thought.

The new terminal in San Jose is extensively long, and there are none of those mobile staircases, so I practically sprint to get to my ride and the new future that awaits me. This is just what I needed: Clarity. Home.

Some guy in a Nvidia T-shirt practically runs me down to reach the escalator down to baggage claim before me.
Classy.
And typical.
It makes me feel like I’m home!
Chivalry is completely dead in the Valley and I do not miss that. Men in Philly grew up with proper mothers and manners! Men in the Valley grew up racing girls and tripping said girls when they passed them up.

Brea stands at baggage claim with her two boys—I should say she’s
trying
to stand near baggage claim, but she’s actually running around chasing her little monkeys as they run through the airport like standing still would cause spontaneous human combustion.