What Happens Between Friends (25 page)

Tears clogged Sadie’s throat, blurred her vision so she shut her eyes. She would hurt him. She didn’t want to, but she couldn’t be what he wanted. What he needed. She should walk away, let him move on with his life.

And she would, she assured herself. But not tonight. Tonight she was going to hold on to him for all she was worth.

* * *

J
AMES
STROKED
S
ADIE
’
S
hair, watched as she woke. Her eyes slowly opened. She smiled at him.

She was his dream. One he wanted to hold on to.

He couldn’t contain his feelings, what she meant to him. How much more right could it be, the two of them, wrapped together in his bed, their bodies sated after a night of lovemaking? He’d held her all night. He wanted to hold her every night.

He wanted all of her.

“I love you.”

She went so still, he shook her hands to make sure she was still alive. She sat up, clutching the sheet over her breasts. “James...don’t. Please.”

He watched as she pulled away from him, crossed the room, naked, to pick up her clothes.

“Don’t what?” he asked quietly. “Don’t tell you how I feel about you? Don’t tell you what I want?”

She flinched. “Look, we care about each other. Isn’t that enough?”

“Not for me.”

“Why not? Why can’t we keep going the way we have been?”

They could, he realized, and that was the problem. He was terrified if something didn’t change between them now, it never would. Maybe it was time to put that, to put them, to the test.

“Because I want to move forward,” he said.

She yanked on her clothes. “Just because we’re not moving forward doesn’t mean we’re moving backward, either.”

“No. It means we’re stopping. Is that what you want, Sadie? Do you want to stop?”

She didn’t answer, didn’t even look at him.

He climbed out of bed, pulled on a pair of jeans and went to take her hands in his. He leaned down, kissed her. “Sadie, I love you.” Her fingers twitched in his, but he didn’t let go. His own hands were unsteady, but he didn’t mind. Not when this was so right. Not when it was so important. “I love you,” he repeated. “I want you in my life always, I want us to have a future together. A home. A family. And I need to hear you say that you want that, too.”

* * *

“I
CAN
’
T
,” S
ADIE
whispered, tugging free to hug her arms around herself. “You know I can’t.”

James frowned, but he didn’t seem deterred, oh, no, not James. He stubbornly caught her hands again. “Why not?”

“Why not? Are you crazy? It’d never work. Please, James,” she begged, “please don’t push this. Let’s just...forget this ever happened okay?”

His expression hardened. “Like you wanted us to forget the first time we made love?”

“Look, I’m not what you want. What you need.”

“I think I’m capable of deciding what I want and need, Sadie. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

“Only because you’ve never let it be anyone else,” she said quietly.

“Just tell me why,” he insisted.

“Because I’m leaving!”

Her heart thudded painfully, her breathing was as ragged as if she’d run five miles. James looked stricken. “What?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

She licked her lips. “I’m going to California. I’m not staying here, James. I can’t.”

“You can’t leave,” he said, shoving his hands through his hair. “What about your job? What about your family? What about me?”

She wanted to bawl, wanted to rail at him for putting this all on her, his hopes and expectations. Hadn’t she told him not to? Didn’t he know better? “What about them?” she asked, forcing her voice to be flippant. “I appreciate what your family’s done for me, what with the job and all, but everyone knew it was only temporary.”

He seemed stunned. “So that’s it...you’re just going to leave?” he asked, staring at her as if he’d never seen her before.

“You knew I wouldn’t stay. I’m not meant for the whole...routine.”

“Routine?”

“Yeah. Marriage. Family. Kids. Play dates and soccer games and weekly brunches with the parents?” She laughed, but it came out humorless. “God. Can you see me doing any of that?”

“Actually,” he said, watching her with those deep, dark eyes, “I can see you doing all of it.”

“No thanks. I’ve got better things to do. I’ve always been too big for this town, you know that.”

She’d always wanted too much, more than what anyone could offer her here. Excitement, thrills and the adventure of never knowing what the next day would bring. That was living.

She’d die here. She’d suffocate under the expectations, the routines.

Nothing was worth that. Was it?

“You could have everything you want here,” James said, sounding and looking so confused, it broke her heart. But if she stayed, it would only be worse for him. For both of him.

“You mean I could have everything
you
want if I stay. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Your plans.”

He flinched. “I just wanted you to give us a chance. To see how good we are together.”

“I bet you did. I bet you had it all worked out. Tell Sadie you love her, that you’ve always loved her and if she balks, well, just lie low and give her time to come to her senses.”

His eyes flashed. “You came to me. You crawled into my bed naked, for Christ’s sake!”

“And I bet you were just thrilled, weren’t you? Things were working out better than you could have anticipated. God, I fell right into your lap,” she said as she stormed toward the door. “And now, because of that, you think I’m finally the woman you always wanted me to be?”

“I never tried to change you.”

She whirled around. “No? What do you call what you’re asking me to do? You want to mold me into the perfect wife, the perfect mother material. Well, forget it. I’m not interested.”

* * *

J
AMES
’
S
HEAD
WAS
buzzing, his blood boiling under his skin. Anger shot through him, had him chasing after her. When he caught up with her by the front door, he grabbed her arm, spun her around.

“You’re not interested?” he asked, his voice low. Then louder. “All I wanted, all I’ve ever wanted, was for you to stop seeing me as your buddy, your old pal James. To start seeing me as a man you could be interested in. Could have a future with.” He shook her once and Zoe barked. “You think you can treat people like they don’t matter?”

Her eyes were wide, her face pale. “James, I—”

He shook her again. His dog went nuts, barking and barking. James ignored her. “You’re so busy trying to prove to everyone how free you are. You’re not free, Sadie. You’re scared. You’ve been running scared your entire life. Scared to face your feelings. To take a chance on something real. Something permanent. You want everyone to believe you’re fearless, chasing after adventures, but you’re a coward.” He let go of her, unable to stand touching her a moment longer. “You’re nothing but a coward, too afraid to have anything true and meaningful in your life. You think I wanted to make you into my ideal wife? My ideal woman? You already were. You were who I wanted. You with your crazy clothes and frizzy hair. I didn’t want to chain you to some life you didn’t want, I wanted to love you. To have a future with you.”

He paced away, spun back. “You say you’re too big for Shady Grove, too big for a normal life? Fine. Go live your life on your own terms. Alone. Because I’ll get over you. I’ll move on. But you? You’ll always be alone.”

He reached past her, yanked open the door so hard it hit the interior wall with a bang. “Just go. I’m through with you, Sadie Nixon. You understand? I’m through being your friend. Through being your patsy, your shoulder to cry on, the guy you run to every goddamn time you mess up your life.” He leaned in so they were nose to nose. “I am finally, and forever, through with you. But know this, I would’ve gone with you. If you had only asked, I would’ve given it all up—my house, Montesano Construction, my family and my dreams, all of it—to be with you. To go where you go. I never wanted you to give up anything for me.” He stepped aside. “Now get the hell out of my house and my life, and don’t you ever come back.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“C
OME
ON
NOW
,” Irene said, her voice so bright and chipper it hurt Sadie’s teeth. “Come to the store with me,” she continued, walking into Sadie’s room, the same bedroom she’d slept in as a child after Irene had remarried. “You’ve been moping around for over a week. It’s time to snap out of it.”

Moping. That was a good definition. She hadn’t stopped thinking about James. But she wouldn’t cry, Sadie told herself. No matter how tight her throat got, no matter how badly her eyes stung, she wouldn’t cry over him. He was lying. It was all a trick to somehow make it seem as if she was the one in the wrong. She pushed her hair from her face, curled up in the chair where she’d been pretending to read a paperback.

She wasn’t wrong. She couldn’t be.

And while she wasn’t exactly setting the world on fire here in her old room, she wasn’t desperate enough to spend the day running the cash register at her mom’s store.

Irene sighed and crossed to crouch next to her chair. “Honey.” She brushed Sadie’s hair back gently. “Are you going to look for a job today?”

“What’s the point? It’ll only be temporary. Kane said he’d give me more hours, and as soon as I get enough money saved I’m going to California. That was always my plan. What I want.”

“But...I don’t understand,” Irene said. “I thought you were doing so well here. Did something happen between you and James?”

Sadie slammed her book down. She should have figured her mom would eventually ask what was wrong. But after days of nothing more than sympathetic looks, Sadie had begun to hope Irene would leave the subject alone.

Which just proved hope was for fools.

“Oh, something happened all right. He told me he loved me. He wants me to stay here. God, can you imagine that?”

Just thinking about it had fear sliding along her spine. He wanted to lock her in a cage. Not one with bars, one that trapped her with promises, with words of love.

“Well, of course he loves you,” Irene said as if not surprised in the least. “He always has. Why shouldn’t he want you to stay? Why shouldn’t you want to?”

“Because that’s just the first step. The next thing you know, he’ll want me to move in with him. Then, someday down the line when he’s decided enough time has passed, he’ll propose. And I don’t want to get married. Ever. I don’t want to have kids or stay in this stupid, boring town.” Her breathing grew ragged, panic and desperation ripped the words from her throat. “God, the last thing I want is to turn out like you. Same dinners every week, same friends, doing nothing more with my life than taking care of a house and raising a couple of kids, making sure my husband’s life is easy and comfortable. No, thanks. I want more than that.”

“How dare you?” Irene asked in a low, vicious tone Sadie had never heard before. Her mother’s face was red, her hands fisted at her sides. “How dare you look down on me and what I’ve chosen to do with my life, with what I’ve accomplished.”

Something in Sadie whispered that she’d gone too far, that she’d said too much. But she couldn’t back down. Not when she only spoke the truth.

“What you’ve accomplished?” Sadie asked incredulously. “Such as chairing the garden committee? Running some store that caters to women who have more money than they know what to do with? A store your husband bought and paid for you to run? Oh, or how about being den mother? Yeah, those are quite the accomplishments.”

Irene straightened, her movements jerky. “I suppose I should’ve spent my life like you spend yours? Chasing one fantasy after another? One dead-end job, one dead-end relationship after another?”

“At least I’m living my life for myself,” Sadie said, getting to her feet. “Not waking up every morning only to make my husband happy, to take care of my children. I’m out there, experiencing life to its fullest, Mom. You remember what that’s like, don’t you?”

“Oh, yes,” Irene said, her tone chilling Sadie to the core. “I remember exactly what it was like. The question is, do you?”

“Of course. You and Dad were free. No rules, no restrictions. You came and went as you pleased, but then he died and you gave up. You couldn’t make it on your own. But don’t fool yourself into thinking I’m anything like you.”

“No, you’re nothing like me. Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you happy, knowing you’re exactly like your father?”

Tears burned Sadie’s eyes. “He was a great man.”

“He was a charming man. Fun. He could light up a room, was the life of any party, and boy, did he love a good party. If there wasn’t one going on, he’d make one out of nothing. He was irresistible, and I fell for him so hard it didn’t matter that he was spoiled and had no way of actually making his big plans come true. I was so dazzled by him, all I could see, all that mattered, was being with him.”

“He loved us.” But instead of sounding positive, right, she sounded unsure. Scared.

Irene sighed. “He did love us, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he was irresponsible, easily bored and unreliable. At first, life with Victor was exciting. We were always moving from city to city, town to town, searching for the next great adventure. It didn’t matter that we didn’t have a place of our own or grocery money because we were together. And then we had a baby, and suddenly it all mattered, too much to me, too little to him. I was the one making sure you had enough to eat, that we didn’t sleep in the car. I was the one working part-time jobs just so I could buy baby formula and cereal, diapers and laundry soap while Victor went off searching for his next challenge.”

Sadie shook her head, but deep down she was afraid her mother was right. Her memories of her father were of a tall, handsome, fun man, always laughing and dancing. But other memories, of waiting, constantly waiting for him to come home, were there, too. Of her mother, tired and stressed.

Oh, God. What had she done?

Irene dug through her purse. She pulled out her checkbook, wrote something. “Here.”

Sadie tucked her hands behind her back. “What is it?”

“A check for five thousand dollars. Take it.”

All Sadie could do was shake her head, wishing her words back.

Irene set the check on the unmade bed. “There. Now you have no excuse not to leave. As a matter of fact, I’d like you to be gone by the time I get back from work.”

Sadie’s head snapped back. Irene was kicking her out. No matter what she’d done, Sadie had always known she had a home here.

She’d lost that, too.

Irene walked to the door. Sadie wanted to call her back. Wanted to rip the check up and beg her mother to forgive her.

She stepped forward but stopped when Irene turned to face her again. “Your father was always searching for something that neither you nor I could give him,” Irene said wearily. “That wears on a person, on a marriage. I came home to Shady Grove, not because I couldn’t handle life by myself but because I was tired, so very tired, of doing it all on my own. I was blessed to find another man to love, one who took care of me, who raised my child as his own. But that’s never been good enough for you, has it? You act so superior to me, as if my choices were wrong, but I have a husband who loves me. Two healthy daughters. Family close by, friends I adore and work that’s satisfying to me.” She paused, as if weighing her next words, then softly said, “Tell me, Sadie. What do you have?”

* * *

A
N
HOUR
LATER
, Sadie stood outside the wooden door. Making a fist, she pounded, the sound reverberating through her body. She waited. Knocked again. What if he was sleeping? A distinct possibility given that it wasn’t even noon yet. Or maybe he was downstairs at the bar—

The door opened.

Relief rushed through her, made her knees weak. “I’m sorry.” The words rushed out. “Did I wake you?”

Kane, barefoot and shirtless, wearing only a pair of undone jeans, his hair wild around his shoulders, scowled. “I run a bar that doesn’t shut down until 2 a.m. What do you think?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, pretending her voice wasn’t reedy and pitiful. That she wasn’t a pathetic mess with her tangled hair and pale face. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

He flicked his cool gaze from her face to the suitcase in her hand and back to her face again. “I hear the Holiday Inn off the highway has affordable rates.”

And he started to shut the door. She stuck out her foot to block it. “Please. Just for a night or two.”

Or however long it took her to figure out why she wasn’t already on her way to California. The check her mom wrote burned in her pocket.

“You don’t want to come in here.”

“I do.” She didn’t have much choice. “I really do.”

His expression darkened but he stepped aside, scratched his flat stomach. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She tried to smile but it was too much effort. “Thanks,” she said, brushing past him. “I promise not to—”

“You have
got
to be kidding.”

Sadie bristled so hard she was surprised she wasn’t vibrating. She slowly turned toward the sound of that familiar voice.

“What are you doing here?” she asked Charlotte, her eyes widening as she took in her sister’s tight jeans and clingy, low-cut top. “Where did you get those clothes? I didn’t realize Nordstrom had a tart department.” She whirled on Kane. “And you. You should be ashamed of yourself. She’s just a child!”

“I probably should be,” Kane said. “But I’m not.”

Charlotte stalked toward her—though how she could even move in those pants was beyond Sadie. “How dare you? I’m a grown woman, damn it.”

“Then I suggest you act like one,” Sadie said, sounding so much like her mother she almost did a double take to make sure Irene hadn’t somehow magically arrived and spoken over her.

“I don’t need to stand here and listen to this.” With a toss of her hair, Charlotte snatched her purse from a small table next to the door. “You’re in my way,” she told Sadie, who had yet to move from the doorway.

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what, exactly, you’re doing here.”

“I’m not telling you anything. Now move. Or I swear, I will move you.”

Sadie narrowed her eyes. “I’d like to see you try.”

“And I’d like to see the backs of both of you as you leave me in peace so I can get some more sleep,” Kane said.

“Blame her—” Char jabbed a finger at Sadie, stopping just shy of drilling a hole through her sternum.

He yawned. Rolled his shoulders, took them each by the upper arm and tugged them out into the hallway then stepped inside his apartment to face them. “Let’s not cast blame,” he said.

And he shut the door, the soft click of the lock being engaged echoing in the stunned silence.

“Jerk,” Charlotte muttered, looking as if she wanted to give the door a solid kick.

Sadie could relate.

“Well, there goes my plan for bunking with him for a few nights.” She glared at Char. Tightened her hold on her suitcase. “Thanks a lot.”

Char’s eyes narrowed. “Why would you want to stay with Kane? Unless James isn’t enough for you now. Moving on to the next guy already?”

Sadie opened her mouth to blast her sister, but what came out sounded closer to a sob than any snarky comment. Horrified, she covered her mouth with her free hand. But that didn’t stop the tears from forming in her eyes, from tickling the back of her throat.

“James and I are... Whatever we were—” Friends. Lovers. Something more, something infinitely more frightening. Something rare and special. “It’s over,” Sadie said, firming her mouth. She sniffed. She would not cry over him. She would not cry. “Completely over.”

Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. With a sigh, she sank to the top step, crossed her arms on her bent knees, lowered her head and gave in to them.

She sensed more than saw Charlotte shift uncomfortably. “Are you okay?” she asked, her tone hesitant. Still belligerent.

“I’m great,” Sadie said, her voice muffled by her arms. “My dog is gone, you hate me, I had to quit my job so I didn’t run into James who, by the way, never wants to see me again. And to top it all off, I got into an argument with Mom this morning where I said some really horrible things right before she wrote me a check for five thousand dollars and told me to get out of her house.”

“Ouch,” Char murmured. “Well, if it makes you feel any better I just threw myself at a walking, talking sex god only to be told he wasn’t the least bit interested.”

Sadie rolled her head to the side. “He is a jerk.”

“I know.” Char sat next to Sadie. “And for the record, I don’t hate you. I was just angry. Really, really angry.”

Sadie straightened and wiped her eyes on the edge of her sleeve. “Back at ya.”

But she’d missed her sister. Had wanted to call her more than once during the past week, but her pride wouldn’t let her.

“Five thousand dollars, huh?” Char asked. “That seems like more than enough to get you to California. So what are you still doing in Shady Grove?”

“I don’t know,” Sadie whispered. All she’d known was that she couldn’t leave. Not with her mom so upset with her. Not after everything that had happened with James.

“I don’t think I ever told you this, but I always envied you.”

Sadie snorted. “Me? Why?”

“You were...free. Independent. God, I thought you were so amazing, the way you weren’t afraid to take risks, how you’d pick up and start your life over somewhere new. You’ve been to so many places, seen and done so many things. I used to look up to you.”

Used to.

Sadie’s chest felt hollow. “Guess you outgrew that.”

“Not so much outgrew. More like I realized that while your life seemed so exciting, so adventurous and, well, brave, I guess, it wasn’t. You never seemed happy. Not really. It’s as if you’re endlessly searching for something.”

Her words echoed what Irene had said about Sadie’s father. Sadie really was following in her father’s footsteps in more ways than one.

Maybe, just maybe, it was time for her to make her own way.

And that thought was thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

Her life was filled with new people, new places and the constant fear that if she didn’t keep moving, she would lose the most vital part of who she was. She was searching. Always searching.