What Janie Wants (17 page)

The world unlocked from its standstill and reality sideswiped her with a replay of the woman’s comment. Janie held her breath and turned.

Slack jawed. Every one of them. The woman who’d called Zade Janie’s son held her hand at her throat. Her mouth hung open and she dipped her chin with a contemptible slant. “Well. I see I misunderstood. Seems things here at Gypsy Cove do run to the unexpected.”

The veiled barb struck between each rib as swiftly as a dozen daggers, and her conscience beat against its temporary holding cell. This was what it would be like. Everywhere.

Janie lifted her chin and smiled, though her cheeks shook with the effort. “An innocent mistake. Don’t think a thing about it. Why don’t you all have a seat and make yourselves comfortable?”

Slow steady breaths. One in. One out. Her beach bag sat next to the bell stand, the yellow and white colors mocking the cloying panic in her stomach. Her room. If she could grab a minute alone she could settle her thoughts. Disassociate.

“
Janie.” Zade gripped her bicep.

She pulled away and hurried to her bag. Sunscreen, two novels, sunglasses.

Key.

“
Janie, take it easy. They made a bad assumption.”

“
Everyone is going to make that assumption.” Well, maybe not everyone. Anyone younger than her would probably be fine, which knocked pretty much anyone she knew out of the equation. She hustled through the lobby, painting a wide swath around the four waiting to check in.

Zade’s firm strides sounded right behind hers. “Babe, we need to talk about this. You don’t have to panic. It’s okay.”

“
Did you see her face?” Her legs couldn’t move any faster, not without breaking into a jog. “My God, she glared at me like I was some depraved, incestuous freak.”

Almost there. Four more doors, and she could let it out. Put her head between her knees and let the tears go.

“
It’s her limitation. Not yours.” He glanced back toward the guests waiting in the hallway and practically growled. “Don’t take that on. Don’t let it rob you of something good.”

The key fob jangled and slipped from her shaking hand.

Zade snatched it from the floor and held it out of reach. “Don’t do this. Don’t run from me. Don’t run from us.”

God, he was beautiful. Inside and out. A person who challenged others to be more just by being around him.

She lifted her chin toward the lobby at the far end of the hall. “What just happened? That’s reality. Wrong, right, or indifferent, that’s what we’re going to face. Or, more accurately, what I’m going to face. I’m the one they’re going to judge. She wasn’t looking at you. She was looking at me. Thinking what an indecent cradle robber I am. It hurt.

“
Do I want to walk away from us? No.” A pained laugh ripped past her throat. “I love being with you. You make me feel alive in a way I didn’t even realize was possible, but I’m going to be the one who faces that reaction, and I’ve got to figure out if I’m brave enough to face it.”

She held out her hand for the key.

His chest rose and fell in shallow breaths and his lips pressed tight.

“
Give it to me, Zade. This has to be a two way street and you’ve got to let me buy in on my own.”

He opened his palm and stared at the key, the tension in his frame so rigid she half expected him to fling it down the hallway. “You’re right. Bullying you into a relationship wouldn’t bode well for either of us.” He dug into his pocket, pulled something out, and laid it in his palm alongside the key.

A thumb drive. Her pictures.

“
I can’t tell you how to feel and I can’t tell you how to act, but you can tell yourself.” He held them both out to her. “See for yourself. Take a good, hard look at the woman in those pictures. See if you’re willing to lose that.”

She scooped them from his outstretched palm, her fingers frigid against his comforting heat.

“
My taxi’s coming at seven in the morning,” he said. “If you’re there to see me off, we’ll figure out what to do next and we’ll do it together. If you’re not…” He shrugged and rubbed the heel of his hand over his sternum. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“
Zade, I’m sorry—”

“
Don’t.” He mashed his lips together and shoved his hands in his pockets. His beautiful blue eyes sparked with icy disappointment. “You said what you needed to say, so don’t apologize.” He lifted his chin toward the door and walked away, his head held high. “I’ll be in the lobby well before seven. Figure out what’s right for you.”

Over and over, Janie tapped the plastic thumb drive on the desk in her room, slid her fingers down its length, spun it over and started again.

A bottle of opened but not yet touched merlot sat on the corner of the desk, a standard issue glass tumbler beside it, ready for action. Her laptop was open, but the screen was dark, sleep mode having kicked in way before her courage. The alarm clock on the nightstand reflected in the mirror to one side of her, the only splash of color in the otherwise dark room.

12:14 AM

Big, bold red letters that practically screamed what an idiot she was. Eight hours lost that could have been spent with Zade. Usually by this time of night she was curled up next to him and in a sexual coma.

The revulsion on the woman’s face flashed front and center in Janie’s memory. Pinched eyes. Accusing and judgmental.

“
It’s her limitation. Not yours. Don’t take that on. Don’t make it rob you of something good.”

Twenty-six years old, and yet in many ways, Zade was so much wiser. Confident and centered in who he was.

She pulled her iPhone closer and pressed the button at the bottom. The screen blinded her with a candid picture of McKenna and Thomas at last year’s state fair. Who really mattered in this equation? Her and Zade, for sure. Her kids. Her family, to a certain degree. Not for approval, but for support. The same for his family.

With slow, thoughtful strokes, she thumbed through her contacts and pulled up McKenna’s number. All she wanted for her kids was for them to be happy. To live full, healthy lives, and experience a lifetime of love and passion, even if it came in the form of someone or something unconventional. Why couldn’t she allow that for herself?

She scoffed and propped her head on her hands. Because she was afraid. Terrified, actually. Her life had been so safe. Steady and predictable.

And blank. A huge canvas with nothing of her own on it. Not one speck of color. Worse, she hadn’t even realized the absence until she’d met Zade. Yes, she’d raised two wonderful children, but those were their lives. Their colors. If her world was already blank, she didn’t exactly have a lot to lose.

Except Zade. The man who’d encouraged her. Who offered up different palettes for consideration. Who saw her as a woman. Who fought for her even when she wanted to run.

She opened her hand. The thumb drive lay warm in her palm, daring her to see someone new. To throw a splash of color on the canvas.

“
See for yourself. Take a good, hard look at the woman in those pictures. See if you’re willing to lose that.”

She touched the track pad and her login popped up.

Login: JanieMcAllister

Password: McKennaThomas

She huffed out an ironic laugh as she punched the enter key. Even her login and password information was bland. She should change it to FixitMomma or ProblemWringer101.

Or SexyBabe4Zade.

She plugged the thumb drive in the USB and poured herself a ridiculously large glass of wine. The trick was not to think too much about it. Just pull the pictures up and assess. No big deal. Easy peasy.

There it was. A folder entitled Janie McAlister with lots of files beneath it that ended in .jpg.

The wine’s berry tang burst against her tongue and her heart punched a few extra kicks of encouragement.

Click.

A picture of her facing away from the camera filled the screen. It wasn’t done in black and white, but the coloring gave it a similar look and feel. She cocked her head to one side, held captive by the simple, yet elegant image. From this view, her hips looked pretty nice. Not at all the way she’d felt about them when trying on bathing suits for the trip.

She took another sip of her wine and clicked the next one. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Click. Study. Sip.

Click. Study. Sip.

Every picture drove her pulse higher. Hotter than the one before it. She had colors in these pictures. She was bold. Beautiful. Even sexy. Not bland at all.

Click.

Her nearly empty glass thunked to the desk and her breath hitched. All of a sudden the lingering wine on her tongue seemed too thick, clinging to the top of her mouth. This was the moment. He’d told her he didn’t want it to end and everything inside her had cried out, “Yes.”

It was right there. A message painted as bold as a three story neon sign. Simple and yet staggeringly profound. Was she willing to let something that moved her this much go simply based on the opinions of strangers?

No.

She grinned and imagined Zade beside her, adding an enthusiastic, “Hell, no.” to the mix. It said something, her thinking of him in this moment. Feeling him here even when he was in a completely different building. If she was smart, she’d rectify that situation and make it so they were in the same bed.

Shutting the laptop, she gulped down what was left of her wine and poured herself another celebratory glass. She could do this. She could not only do it, she could own it. Set a good example for her kids. For her daughter.

Shoot. She needed to call McKenna and Thomas and give them a heads up. At least that way they’d have a day to assimilate the news and gather their thoughts. She could sit down with them when she got home and let them drill her with questions.

She plunked back down, nearly missing the chair altogether and only landing one half of her butt cheek on the seat. Wine always went to her head, but this round had taken the loopy express.

Oh, yeah. She hadn’t eaten. That made sense.

Not a problem. She’d call McKenna first and jot over to the dining hall for a snack.

Glass in hand, she dialed up her youngest and relocated to the bed. She should have napped with Zade today and given her mind a rest. If she had, she’d have been able to process the run-in with the judgmental lady in the lobby with a little more class and a lot less drama.

God, she hoped Zade wasn’t too angry. She sipped her wine and waited for McKenna to pick up. Surely he’d understand. She’d have to be sure and let him know she wasn’t going to waffle on him. That she’d decided to make a go of this thing between them and only toss in the towel when they both agreed it wasn’t working. Not when a complete stranger said it was wrong.

“
Mom!”

Ah, McKenna. So full of life and happy. Ready to tackle the world. “Hey, sweetie. I know it’s late. I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“
Nope. Just got home from a movie with Jessica. How’s Mexico? You ready to come home?”

Hardly. “Actually, I’m having a lovely time.” Janie took another drink of liquid courage. “In fact, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”