What the Heart Wants (13 page)

Esther turned white, lowered the teapot to the table with a resounding
thump,
and promptly fell into a chair, bumping the table and making the hand-painted, rose-covered teacups rattle in their saucers.

“Oh, dear,” was all she could manage to say, but I was certain her next words, when she recovered, would be
Get out!

“I’ll pack my bags immediately,” I volunteered, sniffing back my tears. I would find a job somewhere else. Sacramento was a growing town, and a growing town needed many workers.

“You will do no such thing,” Esther stated decisively, and then she got up and put her arms around my shoulders. “You girls can take our room. That little alcove will be perfect for the baby. Now drink some tea and eat a slice of toast. You need to keep up your strength,” she said as she poured tea into each of our cups.

“But…you don’t want me to leave?” I was astounded by her generosity.

“Of course I don’t want you to leave. You have become like a daughter to me.”

“But the colonel…” I was about to say that I thought her husband might not share her opinion of me when a man opened the door and stepped into the room. He had jet-black hair and bright blue eyes, and even in my present mood, I noticed how handsome he was.

“Please pardon the interruption, ladies. I wonder if one of you could assist me?” he asked, smiling, his hat in his hand. Although I had never seen him up close before, I knew that he had recently rented the small front bedroom on the second floor. Since he’d shown up at our front door four days earlier, Clara had gone on and on about him to me, and now she jumped up and hurried over to him, a wide smile on her face, her tea forgotten.

“Mister Phillips, I’d be happy to help with whatever you need,” she gushed. He held the kitchen door open, and Clara glided through it. And, after giving Mrs. Hudson a nod, and me a long, curious look that made my breath catch in my throat, the dapper young man followed Clara out of the room.

Mrs. Hudson patted my hand. “Now, let’s enjoy our tea and make plans for the future, shall we? When should we expect the addition to our family?” she asked, and I felt fresh tears gather in my eyes. Here I was, pregnant and unwed, and she was treating me and my baby like family.

“I’m not certain. Six months…or less I suppose.” I knew it took around nine months to make a baby. Other than that I had no idea how to figure out exactly when my baby would make its entry into the world.

“Good heavens, it’s no wonder you’re not feeling well. I want you to lie down for an hour every afternoon, but have some tea and buttered toast first. You must start taking better care of yourself. No more lifting heavy washtubs. Clara can manage them, or we’ll hire someone to help. I’ve been thinking we need a man around here to handle some of the heavier tasks anyway. I’ll speak to William about it this very evening.”

Esther watched me while I ate two slices of toast and drank two cups of tea. I felt a little better, but I suspected that the most difficult times were still ahead of me.

* * * *

Later that day Colonel Hudson called me into the library, the room he and Mrs. Hudson used as their office. I was as nervous as a June bug on a hot sidewalk. If he wanted me gone, then no matter what Mrs. Hudson wanted, I would have to leave.

“Esther has told me about your…condition. It is most unfortunate.” I felt like I had when I was a small child and had gotten caught eating a candy in school. William Hudson was about ten years older than his wife, and his hair was as silver as the vest he was wearing. I stared at the gold watch chain dangling from his pocket, afraid to meet his eyes. “Jacob would be very disappointed in you, young lady,” he said, and I felt ashamed.

“I know, sir. I’m very sorry,” I told him honestly.

“Esther and I have discussed your situation at length, and we feel it would be best if you stayed with us until you find a husband.”

“Find a husband?” Was he joking? How was I supposed to find a husband in my condition?

“Yes, of course. You can’t expect to raise a child without a father,” he stated.

Suddenly the reality of my situation hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right; even if I lived here until the baby was born, I couldn’t rely on the generosity of my friends for the rest of the child’s life. It would need a proper family environment with a father and a mother. My head was reeling as I left the library. Though I felt like crawling into my bed and crying over my fate, I had work to do. I hurried to the kitchen to help Mrs. Hudson make dinner. When the food was ready and Clara and I had set the serving dishes on the ecru lace tablecloth, I hung back. I didn’t feel like being sociable, but Mrs. Hudson found me climbing the stairs and insisted that I join the group that had gathered in the dining room. I took the remaining seat and found myself bumping elbows with Mr. Crowley and Mr. Phillips. Mr. Crowley was a surgeon who worked at the new hospital. The other lodgers were the Gipson sisters, Ava and Elaine, who owned a milliner shop and had their own rooms, and of course Mr. Phillips, who worked at one of the banks. The fifth room on the top floor had not been rented yet, but I was certain it wouldn’t be vacant for long, as decent places to live in this booming town were in short supply.

The Hudsons, Clara, and I completed the group. Soon the lively dinner conversation helped me forget my troubles. Mr. Crowley kept us all in stitches, no pun intended, and the Gipson sisters had tons of entertaining stories to relate about the time they had spent abroad.

“I envy you. I would love to see Paris and Rome, but I’m certain I never will,” I said as a sadness I hadn’t felt before came sweeping over me. Not only was I a female without a way to earn the money required for travel, I was alone and pregnant. I stared at my plate, and the conversation continued, the two women, who looked enough alike to be twins, relating an experience they’d had at the state opera in Vienna. To my surprise Mr. Phillips bent his head toward mine and whispered in my ear.

“Cheer up, Miss Collins. You never know; some rich man could come along and sweep you off your feet,” Mr. Phillips said. “In fact, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already,” he quickly added. And though I wanted to deny the inference that I was attractive enough to have suitors of any sort, especially rich ones, I simply smiled and shook my head.

After dinner I had to clear the table and do the dishes. Clara and I took turns cleaning up the kitchen, and tonight it was my turn. I was up to my elbows in hot, soapy water when I heard someone enter the kitchen behind me. Figuring it was just Mrs. Hudson or Clara, I didn’t turn around. The brush of air I felt on my neck startled me, causing me to drop a glass in the sink. “Oh!” I pulled my hand away, expecting to see blood, but there was none.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you,” a male voice said, and I turned my head and almost bumped noses with Mr. Phillips. “I hope you didn’t cut yourself,” he said as he stared into my eyes. He was so close that I could smell his shaving soap, the spicy scent tickling my nose so that I almost forgot my manners.

“May I get something for you, Mister Phillips? Another cup of coffee?” I asked politely.

“No, thank you, but I would like something,” he replied, his blue eyes sparkling in the lamplight as I dried my hands on a kitchen towel. He had stepped to one side, but he was still within arms’ reach, and his closeness was making me jittery. I was reminded of the incident with Captain Vincent, and I worried that this man was after something similar. Suddenly I felt anger rising in me. Why was I the target of such men? Was it something I did or said to make them think I had no morals?
Have you any? After all, you did give yourself to a man you barely knew,
I reminded myself.

“Please call me Rodney. Actually, I was wondering if you’d take a walk with me…as soon as you’ve finished your duties, of course,” he continued, and my anger grew. Unable to hold it in, I lashed out at him.

“Mister
Phillips,
” I said, stressing his surname, “You don’t know me, sir. If you did, you would know that I am not the sort of woman who takes walks with strange men,” I stated vehemently.

“I’m truly sorry, Miss Collins. I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“Well, you have,” I said petulantly. “Now…if you don’t mind, I have work to do,” I said, my fisted hands resting on my hips.

“I will honor your wish to be left alone for now, but you should know that I don’t give up easily,” he said, and then he strutted out of the room.

That night I dreamed I was riding in a carriage and the horses suddenly spooked and began galloping for all they were worth. I was thrown about the carriage, crying out for help. Suddenly the conveyance stopped, the door opened, and a hand reached in to help me down. When I stood on the firm ground and looked up at my rescuer, I was surprised to see Mr. Phillips smiling down at me. And then I woke up.

Each day for the next two weeks, our handsome lodger seemed to find some excuse to speak to me, either alone or not, and on each occasion, I either ignored him or barely spoke to him. The Hudsons were noticeably concerned, and Clara was visibly upset that he had turned his attentions to me. I was upset too, but not for the same reason. I was determined to give our determined lodger no encouragement, hoping that he would eventually leave me alone. One afternoon the colonel called me into the library. I feared that this time would spell the end for me, that my benefactor would tell me to leave his home immediately. I was certain that Mr. Phillips’ attentions were making me appear even more lacking in moral fiber. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“We have ourselves a fine group of lodgers. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes, yes, they are very nice…and interesting too,” I replied. I felt confused. I had no idea why he was asking my opinion of the people living in the boarding house.

“Yes, they are all outstanding people. Rodney Phillips is an exemplary young man, well educated and very well spoken. Did you know that he’s in training to take over the First National Bank branch here in Sacramento?” Colonel Hudson asked, as I perched nervously on the edge of a chair facing his desk.

“Uh…no, I didn’t know that,” I admitted. The truth was that I hadn’t spoken to the man other than to ask him repeatedly to stop hounding me. And, though he had mentioned some of his duties at the bank at dinner, I had been so upset that I had not paid much attention.

“Yes, he’s quite an excellent young man. He comes from one of the oldest families in Philadelphia,” he continued. “I dare say any woman would be proud to receive his attentions.” He gave me a stern, curious look, and the meaning of his words finally sank in. I had been rude to Mr. Phillips. That’s what this was about.

“I’m sorry. I shall try to be more civil to Mr. Phillips,” I said meekly. I didn’t want to be thrown out onto the street, so if I needed to pretend to like Mr. Phillips, I would.

“You misunderstand me, m’dear. Mr. Phillips is very interested in you. He has told me so. He also told me that he’s seeking a wife.”

“Oh, really?” I couldn’t imagine that Mr. Phillips had anything as serious as marriage in mind, and I wondered if he had deliberately led the colonel astray. Why would any man want to marry
me
? I was neither sophisticated nor very pretty, and at almost twenty-four years of age, I was definitely past my prime.

“Yes, most assuredly. Though you’re of age and free to do as you choose, you live under my roof, and I therefore feel I have the right to advise you. You would be extremely foolish to turn Rodney Phillips down should he ask to marry you.”

“I doubt very much that is his intention,” I said, still unable to believe that he was entirely honorable. “Why would he want me when he could have any woman?”

“Who can say what stirs a man’s heart?” he asked. “Now…I hope you will consider yourself lucky to have attracted the attention of such a fine young man,” he said, obviously dismissing me.

I left the library, still reeling from this unexpected news. If Mr. Phillips’ intentions were as honorable as the colonel believed, he could be the answer to my prayers. I no longer hoped to marry for love. Now I would be satisfied to marry any man who would be good to me and my child. And what about the baby? I wasn’t showing yet. Should I let Mr. Phillips bed me and think the child was his? Could I even hope to fool him into thinking such a thing? On the other hand, if I were honest with him, he would surely reject me. That was not a risk I could afford to take…or was it? I needed to speak to a woman who was older and wiser than me, so I ran to find Mrs. Hudson.

“You should listen to what your heart tells you, Samantha,” she told me as she sat in the parlor, a basket of mending in her lap. “Now sit down and have a cup of tea,” she said as she waved a hand toward the tea service on the side table next to the settee.

While I poured the tea, I thought about my two choices, and what I couldn’t ignore was the fact that I didn’t want a marriage based on a lie. Since waiting wouldn’t make my task any easier, I decided to tell Mr. Phillips about the baby as soon as possible. The very next morning, when he stuck his head around the sheet I was hanging on the clothesline, I drew him into the rose garden where I spilled my sad story, about how, on the way to California, I had fallen in love with our guide, how he had saved me from the Indians, and how I had just discovered that I was carrying the man’s child.

“I see,” was all he said, and then he turned and walked away.

I didn’t see Mr. Phillips for the rest of the week, and Clara seemed to take pride in the fact that she knew where he was.

“He’s away on business,” she informed me one morning while we were doing the weekly baking.

We spent every Saturday baking bread, cakes, and pies for the residents of the boarding house, and I had just taken two pie tins out of the oven. I set the peach pies on the windowsill to cool and turned to look at Clara. We had never become good friends. She was too self-centered and impetuous to suit me, but she was close to my age, and we spent a lot of time together. I knew she was jealous of the attention Rodney had showered on me. And, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault that he had chosen me over her, I still felt guilty.