What the Lightning Sees: Part Two (7 page)

“Another time? You’re great but—”

“Your head’s somewhere else?” she suggested.

I nodded. Had she guessed I was distracted by another woman? I couldn’t imagine it happened to her very often. She was beautiful, clever, funny. She just wasn’t Haven. “I had a really great time,” I said.

She leaned across and kissed me on the cheek. I watched as she made her way into her building. When the door closed behind her, I pulled out my phone. Still no response from Haven. She and Gerald had left the restaurant before us.
Should I call her?
Just to check she was okay? I dialed.

“Jake, what is it?” I hadn’t expected her to pick up. It was the first time she had since the weekend after Paris.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and to offer you a ride home.” Jesus, I sounded like a douche.

“Thanks. Of course I’m fine, I don’t need a lift.” Her voice was softer with me than it had been when we’d first arrived at the restaurant. Was that the alcohol? Was she drunk? Was Gerald still there?

“Are you sure? It would be no trouble.” I wanted her to tell me she was at home already, or in a cab on her own.

“I’m sure—and you don’t want to be rude to your date,” she said.

“I just dropped Nicola at home,” I said. “So, you’re not in a ditch?”

“I’m not in a ditch,” she replied, giving me nothing.

“Are you at home?” I asked.

“Where else would I be?” She hung up the phone.

I grinned as I slung my cell onto the dash. Had she deliberately used my proper name? Something in my gut fluttered. I’d missed our jousting.

“How was it?” Beth asked as I joined her on the sofa. “I wasn’t sure if you would be back.”

“Yeah, good. Nicola’s great but my head is spinning at the moment. I need to work some stuff out,” I said. “How was your date with Saturday night TV? Have you ever thought you should go out, like with a real-life person?” I asked her. “I mean, things have been good for a while now. Do you want me to set you up?” Beth had been sober for over two years and she seemed happy, but I was worried that she had shut down after what had happened with her ex-boyfriend.

Beth scowled at me. “No, you weird brother slash pimp.”

I tapped her foot with my knee. “I’m not expecting you to have sex with my friends for money.” I rolled my eyes at her. “I just know some good guys who periodically tell me you’re hot. I punch them in their face when they say it, obviously, but, you should think about maybe going on a date or something.”

She took a breath. “I’m not ready,” she said softly, concentrating on the television.

“What does your sponsor say? She must have mentioned it. It’s been nearly three years.”

“Can you drop it? I said I’m not in that place yet. And anyway, you’re hardly a glowing recommendation for dating. Have you ever made it past three months?”

“I’m a guy. What can I say?” I said, trying to brush over her point.

“You can say that you’re a commitment phobe with bad taste in women.” Beth was always needling me about not being able to get past the three-month mark. Wasn’t I just living most guys’ fantasies?

“So what’s the problem—my taste in women, or my inability to commit?”

“Both.”

I threw a cushion at her.

“I like Haven,” she said. “I know I’ve only met her briefly, but she seemed different from those other girls you date. And I like how tied up she’s got you.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Haven was different, that was for sure. “I’m not sure she’s got me tied up.”

Beth raised her eyebrows. “And before you tell me she doesn’t like you and that she’s moved on or whatever excuse you’re formulating, she does like you. I could tell at the gallery and it doesn’t matter what shit’s happened. If she’s the right girl for you, then fight for her. Stop making excuses.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Well, you see, I think it is. You can make it that simple. You’re good at that, Jake. You’re good at getting things you want.”

“Things yes, but not people. If I was, we’d still be a family.” A wave of regret swept over me when I thought about what we didn’t have back in Chicago. At one time, we’d been the archetypal American family.

“How did you work that out? You can’t control people. You weren’t responsible for Mom getting shot any more than I was, and you’re not in control of the fact Dad finds it all too difficult to handle and doesn’t know how to be with us. We are a family, Jake. It might be just you and me, but we’re still a family and you made that happen.”

“Beth,” I warned. She knew I didn’t want to get into this. I never did. It was too painful.

“What, you can start pushing me on dating, but I can’t call you on your shit? I mean it. I think you deliberately pick women you know it’s not going to work out with so you don’t have to feel responsible for anyone else.”

I let Beth’s words sink in. Was she right? I knew I picked women who didn’t require much emotional investment from me but I’d never really thought about why. “Jesus, I need a drink. Why the fuck don’t we have a single bit of booze in this apartment?” I asked, grinning at her.

“Because I’m an alcoholic, dickhead.”

“Oh yeah. That must be it.” We both laughed. “Wow, we can joke about it. Who’d have thought?”

She threw a cushion at me. I stood, ruffled her hair and headed to bed. I’d never connected my short-term relationships with anything other than being a guy. Was Beth onto something? Perhaps I held off on anything I couldn’t control.

Maybe I’d given up on Haven too easily.

Haven

“Morning, Haven,” Jake said as he sat down opposite me for our usual Monday morning meeting.

“Hi Ja—Harry.” I’d lost track of what I should be calling him and why. He was Jake to me, but somehow that felt too intimate to say.

“Have a good evening on Saturday?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you. Did you?”
Did you kiss her, touch her, take her to bed?

“Yes, very enjoyable,” he replied.

“I’m sure,” I mumbled. Jake grinned and I couldn’t bear to think about what had caused his smile. I tried to catch my breath, to push down the panic in my chest. He wasn’t hers . . . 

“When’s your next date?”

“Tomorrow night, if you’re free, and the final one on Thursday.” I tried to sound breezy. I wanted to get this over with. Dating with Jake hovering just made my feelings for him refresh. I needed distance from him.

“You’re packing them in.”

“It’s work, Harry.” For some reason I wanted to reassure him these weren’t proper dates—even if he seemed relaxed, as if we had never been anything, part of me wanted him to understand that I could never be so casual, I could never move on so quickly.

“And when’s the super date?” he asked.

“Saturday. I need to write it up on Sunday. Our big celeb feature for next week has pulled out and Robert asked me to move this up.” Finishing off this article so quickly would be a challenge, but I was excited that Robert had trusted me. I wanted to be the one he could rely on to get him out of a hole. The more he felt that, the better my chances of promotion. “I might just see if Gerald is free, then if he can’t make it, choose one of the others.”

“You’re keen on Gerald then?”

I shrugged, trying to keep my eyes on my to-do list. How did he switch into friends mode so easily with me? Asking about my dates as if we were nothing to each other. As though we had never had anything.

Robert took his seat between Jake and me.

“Great job on the Sandy Fox piece, you two. Did Haven tell you the first part is running next week?”

“No, she didn’t. I’m glad you’re pleased with it, but Haven did all the hard work,” Jake replied.

“I wouldn’t have got the story if you hadn’t been there, Harry, we both know it,” I said.

“Well, it’s an excellent job. If you ever want to give up making millions to come and be a full-time staff photographer, consider yourself hired.”

Jake laughed. “Thanks, I’ll bear it in mind, but no promises. In fact, I’m out from the end of next week, I’m afraid. I’ve got to fly to Palo Alto again, and then all my attention has to be focused on Elemental Energy.”

I swallowed at Jake’s announcement. I’d known it was coming. The new guy was about to start. But now the time had arrived and I didn’t feel prepared. There would be no reason for me to see Jake once he left
Rallegra
. My heart was thundering through my chest. Confronted with the reality of Jake being gone, I realized that it was the last thing I wanted. My mind started racing, trying to find reasons to make him stay, for excuses to see him. Perhaps he would have another exhibition I could go to? My breath became shorter as my panic increased. This was all my fault. I’d pushed him away, blamed him for things that he wasn’t responsible for. I needed to find a solution, to convince him to be in my life in some way. I’d never experienced anything like I had with Jake and I’d just ended things assuming I would be okay and life would move on. But I couldn’t imagine anyone ever knowing me like he seemed to.

I dared a glance up at him to find him looking at me. I tried to blank my thoughts, concerned he could read my anxiety. I couldn’t seem to look away, scared that if I did, he would disappear. The corners of his mouth turned up and I remembered what his lips could do to my body, how his tongue elicited sounds from me I didn’t know I could make, how he seemed to free a part of me with his touch. I squirmed in my seat and his grin deepened. It was as if he could see what I was thinking. A familiar warmth spread across my cheeks. I dug my fingers into my hair, pulling strands out of the pins. I needed to think, to breath.

I stumbled out of the meeting, desperate for air and needing a plan.

“Jake, I mean Harry,” I called as he passed my cubicle, wanting time with him before he left for good.

“I want you to call me Jake,” he replied as he leaned against the entrance of my work area. I wondered why he wore his shirts like that, without a tie, open, and hinting at the hard body beneath the fabric. A body I’d seen in all its glory in Paris. A body that made my body sing.

“That was before, you know . . . ”

“No, it’s forever. Call me Jake.”
Forever.

I had no answer to that. “I just wondered if you wanted to see the Sandy article mocked up?”