What You Really Really Want (3 page)

But there's one stipulation! If you write a blog, or poetry, or fiction, or journalism, or anything else that is written with the expectation that someone else will read it, that doesn't count. Your ten-minute writing exercise must be independent of this.

What's with all the writing? It's simple: The process of finding your own answers to the questions this book will raise is probably going to stir up powerful feelings and thoughts for you. Imagine those feelings and thoughts are like steam, and daily writing is your release valve. It's a private place where you can say or think anything without any ramifications. Even if you're not writing about your feelings directly, it means that every day, you're taking time to listen to yourself and hear your own thoughts.

I like to do this kind of writing freehand, with a pen and paper: The physical act makes it feel immediate, and differentiates it from all the other writing that requires a keyboard. But if you prefer to use a computer, go right ahead. In fact, there are a few programs that can help you keep the words flowing. I recommend Write or Die, which forces you to keep putting words on the page for the entire ten minutes or risk virtual punishment. If you prefer a gentler approach, try Ommwriter, which helps you create a tranquil digital environment.

Not convinced? Trust me. Just do it anyway.

 

Starting now and at least until you're finished with this book, spend thirty minutes a week doing something that makes your body feel good. It doesn't have to be sexual, though it can be. However, it
must
be something you don't feel confused about. If it makes you feel good but ashamed, good but afraid, “good but . . . ” anything, do something else. Maybe you'll take a bath. Maybe you'll dance or exercise. Maybe you'll slowly and deliberately eat a delicious meal. Maybe you'll get a massage. Maybe you'll masturbate. It can be a different thing each week, but it's best if it doesn't involve another person. You want to stay focused on the good feelings you're giving yourself, and not get distracted by whatever's going on with someone else. Whatever you choose to do, be sure it: (a) puts the focus on your body, and (b) makes you feel nothing but good.

Finding something to do with your body that feels good may be harder than it sounds (or maybe it doesn't sound that easy to you to begin with). As we grow up, most girls and women find it hard to avoid internalizing messages about whether or not we deserve pleasure, especially pleasure in our bodies. It's okay if this is hard—you're not alone. But you still need to do it. Start small.

There are a lot of good reasons to spend time giving your body pleasure on a regular basis, but there are even better reasons to make sure you do it while you're working on this book. For one, figuring out what makes you feel good is a big part of figuring out what you really really want! If you practice figuring that out in small ways every week, by the time we get to later chapters where we cover messy questions about sexual interactions with partners, you'll already have more of the skills and self-knowledge you'll need to figure out what's best for you.

It's also super likely that you've absorbed some less-than-helpful ideas about experiencing physical pleasure, and those ideas will probably get stirred up as you work your way through the book. That's natural, and this practice of loving
your body can help make sure it's temporary. Practicing giving yourself pleasure will help neutralize those ideas, and maybe even replace them with some positive ideas of your own.

But the best reason of all? Because it will feel good. You never need a fancy reason to feel good.

Ready for another quiz? I thought so. This one's designed to help you get a handle on where you're at on the journey to knowing and getting what you really really want. Like the first one, we're not going to score it. Instead, you'll take it again when you're done with this book, to help you see the ways in which you've developed.

So get out a pen, and get answering: There's no way to do it wrong.

1. I know how to stay safe while expressing my sexuality.

2. I'm afraid of what others would think/say/do if they knew how I felt about sex.

3. I can tell when sexual activity is making me uncomfortable.

4. I can tell when sexual activity is giving me pleasure.

5. I feel comfortable telling a potential sexual partner that something they're doing is making me uncomfortable.

6. I feel comfortable telling a potential sexual partner what to do in order to give me pleasure.

7. My beliefs and attitudes about sex make sense to me.