What You See Is What You Get: My Autobiography (100 page)

The celebrity apprentices included Cheryl Cole, Maureen Lipman, Ross Kemp, Piers Morgan, Alastair Campbell, Jo Brand, Trinny Woodall (from Trinny and Susannah), the famous actor Rupert Everett and radio broadcaster Danny Baker. Also on the girls' team was Karren Brady. While she wasn't a celebrity, she was well known in the football world as the managing director of Birmingham City FC. The task we arranged was for each team to set up a funfair in the centre of London and invite some celebrity guests. The idea was to make them spend lots of money on the amusements, all of which would go to Comic Relief.

I have to admit that when setting the task in the boardroom, I made the mistake of trying to be funny in front of a bunch of professionals. Instead of sticking to my normal routine - introducing myself and dishing out instructions on the task - I tried to add some humour about each individual. I should have known to stick to what I do best. Sadly, most of my quips went down like lead balloons. When I think about it now, I cringe a little, especially since Richard Curtis and his partner Emma Freud, who run Comic Relief, were looking on in the editing gallery.

It appears I upset Rupert Everett and when the teams went off to the hotels we'd laid on for them, he declared the process wasn't for him. He said that he didn't know anyone whom he felt he could ask for money, he didn't know how to sell and, get this, he felt out of his comfort zone in front of the cameras all the time! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He's a bloody actor! Being in front of the cameras is what he does for a day job. Apparently, he was nervous about answering my questions in the boardroom because it wasn't scripted. Piers Morgan gave him a load of stick, telling him he was a wimp and had let the side down.

The men's team were now a man short. In an inspired moment, Margaret, who'd overheard the disaster, suggested I get hold of Tim Campbell, the winner of the first year's
Apprentice,
and ask him whether he'd step in. Tim was more than happy to do so and thankfully he saved the day. He was going to be an asset to the men's team - who better to guide them than someone who'd been through the gruelling twelve-week ordeal?

However, under the leadership of Karren Brady (the only business person among the ladies), her team raised an unbelievable PS700,000. I believe they got hold of Philip Green and he generously helped by supplying lots of merchandise. Also, Trinny had some great contacts and got them to donate large sums of money. In reality, the task turned out to be a bit of a farce because the boys did a great job at the fairground, making loads of money from people having a go on the rides or the helter-skelter or the coconut shy - in fact, the
boys took more money at the fair than the girls did - but one of Trinny's contacts blew the boys completely out of the water with a generous donation which, in truth, had nothing to do with the task in hand. Nevertheless, between the boys and the girls, over a million pounds was raised for Comic Relief that night.

Piers Morgan, being mischievous, started to mess around in the boardroom. When I got to dealing with the losing team, I explained to him that while the prank he'd dreamed up with Alastair Campbell - whereby they would end up firing
me
- was funny, we had to stick to the format. Eventually, Piers was the one I fired for being such a clown and causing so much aggravation for the girls. He kept annoying Cheryl Cole in the boardroom, talking about her husband, Ashley, who had left Piers' beloved Arsenal. Cheryl was getting quite angry and she was quite grateful on occasions when I told Piers to shut up.

Piers had been fired from the
Daily Mirror
and had had to reconstruct his career, writing for newspapers and publishing an autobiography. Now he wanted to get into TV, and this was his first real opportunity. Cheryl Cole, who was famous as a member of the group Girls Aloud, also wanted more varied exposure on TV, which she certainly achieved with
The X-Factor.
In Piers's case, he has gone on to be a great TV celebrity and I continually wind him up that he has me to thank for it. He also owes me a debt of gratitude for coaching him through
The Celebrity Apprentice
in the USA.

Mark Burnett, the owner of
The Apprentice
format, had decided the UK's idea of
The Celebrity Apprentice
should be tried out in America, as the main series had gone down the pan. This turned out to be a good move, as
The Celebrity Apprentice
rejuvenated the format in America and it is now very popular again. In my opinion, Donald Trump is fantastic at the job in America - he is tailor-made for the American market, although when they showed the American version in England, it was greeted rather mildly, which I guess is down to the cultural differences between the two countries.

In the first USA
Celebrity Apprentice
series, Piers Morgan managed to get himself on the show and into the final, where he was up against a very popular country singer that everybody loved. Piers, in his usual way, managed to alienate everyone and his brother on the way up, walking all over them and abusing them. Nevertheless, he got through to the final because his teams won most of the time. The final happened to be broadcast while I was in Florida and Piers phoned me and asked me to come up to New York and be in the audience. I told him I couldn't be bothered to schlap all that way and said I'd watch it on TV. He hummed and hawed a bit. Ann was in the room
and I told her, 'It's Piers on the phone. He's in the final and wants a few tips from me.'

'No, I'm not asking you for tips, Alan. I'm just telling you I'm in the final tonight. I was just calling to ask you to come along or tune in and watch it.'

'Don't give me any of that bullshit, Morgan. You're calling me to get some tips, right?'

'Well, if you've got anything, I suppose it might be useful.'

'Piers, tell me something. The programmes up to now have all been prerecorded, right? But the final, from what I've seen on the TV promotions, is actually going to be broadcast
live
in New York - is that right?'

Yes, it's going to be live.'

'There's not going to be any pre-recording? They can't cut what you say?'

Yes, exactly right. Why?'

'Well, it's as simple as this - you've won, mate!'

'What do you mean,
I've won
?'

'Listen to me carefully and I guarantee you'll win.'

'Why? I don't understand what you're saying.'

'Well, if the programme can't be cut because it's live, then what you need to do is to put Mr Trump in such a position that he can't do anything
but
choose you.'

'Right . . . I see what you're saying, but how do I go about doing that?'

'Well, it's very simple. Write this down. Mr Trump will ask you about four or five times to plead to him why you should be
The Celebrity Apprentice
winner and here's what you say: "Mr Trump, people might not like me for the way I've gone about doing this, but let me remind you that at the beginning of this process you told us that we had to go out and make the most amount of money for charity. And that, Mr Trump, is exactly what I've done. When you look at the amount of money
my
teams have won compared to this other fellow's, I did exactly what you asked me to do. Now, Mr Trump, you are a businessman and this is a business programme, so it would be difficult for you to go against your principles. You told me to go and make a load of money, and that's what I did. However, if you are going to choose the winner on a popularity vote then, with the greatest respect, Mr Trump, your credibility will go down the pan."'

'Okay, Piers? You say
that
and I'm telling you, you'll have boxed him right into a corner in front of fifteen million viewers - what's he going to say to that? He is a businessman. He told you to make money. The show's not about picking the nicest personality - it's not a singing contest. You are going to win, son.'

'Well, I'm not sure I'd get away with that.'

'Piers, what can they do to you? They can't shoot you - you're on live TV. They can't edit you, they can't cut you. Just have a drink and get into motor-mouth mode and
do it.
I promise you you'll win.'

That's exactly what he did, and he won! Of course, he will never give me the full credit for that speech and will deny all knowledge of our conversation. He just talks about his supreme superiority - but that's Piers Morgan for you! Trust me, it's true. Let's face it, who would
you
believe? He was a tabloid editor - say no more, right?

*

The first UK
Celebrity Apprentice
was broadcast over the course of two days in March 2007. In my opinion, they kind of messed it up, in that they split the show into three sections, leaving the final boardroom climax right to the end of Comic Relief night, the idea being that viewers would hang on to get the result. I was very disappointed with the programme.

Patrick Uden's vision was that the
celebrities
were the ones the programme should focus on and I should be some kind of benign judge. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet, but part of the success of
The Apprentice,
as most people know, is my interrogation of the candidates. He chopped out all the funny and business-specific dialogue that went on in the boardroom. Knowing so much of this had ended up on the cutting-room floor, as they say in the media world, was very frustrating for me when I saw the programme broadcast. People like Lorraine Heggessey didn't understand - she saw the end-product and thought it was great. If only she'd known how it could have been, she wouldn't have formed that opinion.

Despite my protestations to Lorraine, I only managed to get a little more of the good stuff included. Regrettably, with this Comic Relief thing, it's a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth and there were arguments about who had jurisdiction over the programme. Was it the BBC (who normally have the final say)? Was it Talkback Thames? Or was it the Comic Relief team?

Emma Freud has her annual moment of power - one year putting on Comic Relief, the next year Sports Relief. There are so many people sticking their oar in - each contributing their so-called artistic brilliance - that all you get in the end, I'm afraid, is a mess. Patrick threw his lot in with Comic Relief, explaining that it was
their
show and
they'd
decide what went in and what didn't.

I was getting quite angry and agitated. In the end, I told Lorraine and the Comic Relief people that if they ever wanted me to do this again, then as
much as I liked Patrick personally, he should not be in the picture because he'd forgotten who he was working for. I would want Talkback to have full editing rights.

The thing is, we
all
gave our time and effort and in the end came up with a show that could have been so much better. It was so frustrating.

*

Shortly after Comic Relief, Ann arranged a sixtieth birthday party for me in a classy Marco Pierre White restaurant in St James's. I invited the whole family, including my seven grandchildren. By then, Louise and Mark had had their second child, Fay, named after my mum, and Daniel and Michaela had had their third child, Rachel.

As usual, I invited some of my staff and business contacts like David Gold and Alan Watts of Herbert Smith. I also invited Nick and Margaret, as well as some of the celebrity apprentices who had appeared on the programme and some of the people who were part of my new TV life.

Michele Kurland had secretly laid on a surprise. Andy Devonshire had taken all the grandkids, lined them up on the famous Millennium Bridge (which the apprentices walk over) and filmed a take-off of
The Apprentice,
which ended with all the kids pointing and saying, 'You're hired!'

It was a great surprise for everyone. I was also surprised that some of the celebrities, including Karren Brady, Cheryl Cole, Maureen Lipman, Danny Baker and Jo Brand bothered to turn up. I went to great pains to let them know that any party of mine was not going to be one of those bashes they read about in the papers, thrown by the likes of Rod Stewart, Elton John or even Philip Green. This was essentially a family affair and they should not expect to be hobnobbing with their show-business contemporaries. And, as it was my family and friends, there was a possibility they might get pestered a little - particularly Cheryl Cole, by the kids! Piers was invited, but made some excuse, like his grandmother had just died. He's got a bad memory for excuses - as I recall, she's died seven times. I'm sure my warning that this wasn't a celebrity-infested bash must have put him off, and he decided he was too busy - most probably having a handsome attack.

Anyway, we had a great night, and there was a funny cabaret by a group of people acting as waiters who suddenly burst into song. The celebrities who did turn up seemed to enjoy themselves.

Karren Brady had phoned Daniel and asked him what he would suggest as a good present to buy me on behalf of the celebrities. Daniel said I was a bit of a hypochondriac (talk about the pot calling the kettle black!) and as
Karren had recently overcome a serious brain tumour, which was detected by having frequent check-ups, they bought me a full body scan at one of those medical centres.

This coincided with a second operation I'd just had to fix my groin because of damage I'd caused over the years playing tennis. The surgeon, Mr Gilmore, known for his expertise in groin repair, had failed two years earlier to remedy the problem - if anything, I was in
more
pain - and I had to go back.
This,
in Daniel's mind, was me being a hypo! All I would say to him was, 'If I live long enough, I'll sit back and watch
you
when you get to my age and see how you get on with all these aches and pains.'