What You Wish For (24 page)

Though she had been less than sympathetic towards John about his refusal to participate in her husband, Watson's speculation, he couldn't find it in his heart to be angry with her. She was family and even when you had no possessions in the world, you still had a family. Though she was superficial and flighty, he knew that she loved him and their mother.

When she finally took her leave of them, John kissed her cheek and smiled at her.

“
I am glad that you are happy with Watson,” he said, meaning every word, for to see her suffer from the loss of the mill would be more than he could bear. Fanny did not have the strength of him or their mother and this time she would be old enough to feel the shame of their misfortune. He was sure that such hardship would crush her.

Fanny looked surprised at his kiss and smiled uneasily, for her brother was not given to displays of affection.

Once she had left, he returned to his office, his shoulders more sloped than usual as he crossed the yard, as though he was carrying the weight of the world on them. He considered calling Higgins into his office now to tell him, but he wasn't quite ready to face the disappointment he would see in the other man's eyes. Higgins needed this job more than most, for unlike most of the workers, the other mills wouldn't hire him because of his association with the union.

Instead, Mr Thornton picked up his post and began opening it.

He missed working with Carrie, for she handled his office with such efficiency that he now felt slightly lost without her. Everything still got done of course, and he still used the systems she had put in place but it took longer without her help and if he was honest, just watching her work had a calming influence on him. She was like a soothing balm and nothing was ever quite so bad as it should be while she was around.

He missed her, now more than ever. Of course even if they were still on speaking terms, she would likely want nothing to do with him now that the mill had failed. Now that he had failed. He gave a weary sigh and reached for the next envelope, surprised to note that it was in her handwriting. He forgot about the rest of his mail for the moment and sat back to read her letter.

Dear Mr Thornton,

I know about the difficulties your mill is facing, as a result of the fallout from the strike and how difficult the markets are at the moment. I also know that soon you will have little option but to close the mill and sack your workers.

Mr Watson recently offered you a speculation which I am sure you considered as a possibility to solve your financial problems. As you will no doubt be aware by now, the venture was successful.

I knew that you would not invest though, not only because of your family history, but also because you are far too principled to risk harming others with such an uncertain venture.

I also know of the good you have been doing for the workers, since Mr Higgins was often telling Mr Hale of the wondrous schemes that you and he are implementing. It is to your credit that you are actively seeking to better the lives of your workers and as such, it is a very bitter pill to swallow that just when you are finally achieving some real good, you will be forced to close your doors.

As such, I took the liberty of investing on your behalf.

Please rest assured that I have the initial stake I invested back in full, and that I have also made a healthy profit from my own investment.

Enclosed is a bankers draft for your share of the profit. I hope this will be enough to keep your mill running and I wish you every luck in the future.

Yours sincerely,

Carrie Preston

He looked at the enclosed bankers draft, and was so shocked by the amount that he had to look a second time to be sure. This was no small gesture, this was a substantial amount of money, one that would solve all of his financial difficulties.

What did this mean though? Was she reaching out to him, trying to make amends? Or was she doing this to salve her conscience?

If he had to guess, he would say the latter, but if he was right and she was feeling guilty, perhaps that meant that she knew that she had been making excuses not to be with him.

He also remembered Higgins telling him that Carrie had advised him to speak to Mr Thornton, saying that he was an honourable man.

He almost dare not think it, for if he was wrong he would be devastated but perhaps it meant that she was willing to forgive him; perhaps it meant he still had a chance.

Mr Bell had approached him once on her behalf but, still stinging from her most recent rebuttal, he had refused to speak of the matter, cutting Mr Bell short and being rather rude to his friend. Now though, he began to think that perhaps he had been premature. Perhaps Mr bell knew something that he did not.

And even if he didn't know anything, he had been living in the same house as Carrie and might be able to shed some light on her behaviour.

Before he could think about it too much, he set about arranging to see his landlord.

Carrie was playing her piano when she heard the doorbell ring. She didn't think anything of it since she had a pupil due shortly, and she continued to play while Dixon answered the door. The song was one of her favourites, though it was a very melancholy tune. She lacked the voice to do the song justice so she just played an instrumental version, enjoying the melody and silently singing the lyrics in her head. She'd been playing this song a lot recently, so much so that the other evening Mr Bell had asked her if she was all right since the tune was so sad. She had assured him that she was fine but on more than one occasion recently, she had been reduced to tears while playing.

The song had a special resonance for her now. It reminded her of how she used to scorn her family and blame them for so much; now she longed to be able to argue with them again. She wondered what her Aunt Immy would think of the mess she had made of things here. Immy had given her the chance of a lifetime and here she was, miserable by her own hand. She had begun to think that perhaps she had overreacted when she sent Mr Thornton away, perhaps his anger had been understandable and she was simply being a coward, as usual.

When she finished the song she heard someone clapping behind her, and turned to see Mr Thornton standing in the doorway. Her heart skipped a beat and her stomach filled with butterflies as she looked at him, for she really did love him more than she could say.

Chapter Twenty

“
That was beautiful,” Mr Thornton said. “Sad but very lovely.”

Carrie swallowed her feelings down and tried to remember why she didn't like him.

“
If you are here to give me the money back, I won't accept it. You need to swallow your pride and take it, for the good of your workers as well as yourself.”

“
Well that told me,” he said, his voice warm. “I thank you for your faith in me, Miss Preston.” He had decided to keep the money since he did view it as a sign of her faith in him, and he would not throw that gesture back in her face. He also thought that she expected him to fight her over the money, but Mr Thornton had learned his lesson and had no desire to ever fight with her again.

“
It's nothing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pupil arriving shortly.”

“
No you don't. Forgive me but Mr Bell told me that you teach Sarah Caulfield today, so I paid a visit to her mother and asked her to cancel her daughter's lesson this week. I explained that I needed to see you on an urgent matter of business.”

“
I believe we have discussed our business.”

“
Perhaps, but I have been trying to understand why you are so afraid of me.”

“
I... I have told you why.” She looked down at her hands where they rested in her lap.

“
Yes, but I don't believe you,” he said, stepping further into the room and closing the door behind him. “I don't think that you are afraid that I will harm you.”

“
No?”

“
No. I also don't think you stayed with Mark for so long because you didn't want to be alone. I think you stayed with him because you didn't love him.”

Angered by his words, Carrie looked up at him.

“
Don't be stupid.”

“
I don't think it is stupid, Carrie.” He was slowly edging closer to her, almost as if she was a wild animal that he needed to be cautious around. “You told me your society is more evolved that mine and that it studied relationships, but if that's true I don't think that you gained much insight from it. I think that you felt safe with Mark because you didn't love him. He can't break your heart if you don't love him.”

Carrie looked uncomfortable but she didn't deny it.

“
I think that I terrify you because of how much you love me; because you know that I could break your heart.”

“
You already have,” she said sadly.

“
As you have broken mine, on more than one occasion. And I have already apologised for my previous behaviour. I think you know me by now, Carrie, and I think that you know my behaviour then was out of character.”

“
You hurt me once, you could do it again.”

“
Yes, but then it's not every day that you find out your beloved is from somewhere so very different. There is a reason you haven't told anyone else where you are truly from, Carrie, and that's because you fear their reaction. You understand that everyone else would be shocked, and yet you allow me no leeway at all to come to terms with your revelation.”

“
Do you think it's easy for me to put up with living in this backwards time where I'm considered little more than chattel?”

“
No, I do not,” he said, keeping his voice warm and reasonable. “I have seen you getting angry at the restrictions placed on you, resenting the judgements others make about your behaviour.”

Carrie looked at him, wondering where he was going with this.

“
You told me that you had read about my time and my life in history books, so I could argue that you knew what to expect when you came here and have no right to be angry.”

“
Reading something and living it are two very different things,” she said.

“
Quite,” he agreed. “And yet, although I have not had the luxury of reading about your time, I am expected to accept it with perfect equanimity. To not bat an eyelid at the lack of clothing or loose morals, to simply understand that things are different in your time, even though I have never experienced your life in any way.”

She realised that he was right, she had been expecting an awful lot of him. In fact, considering how angry many things in this time made her, she was a hypocrite herself, for not allowing Mr Thornton a little anger when he discovered how different the place she came from was.

“
When did you become so insightful?” she asked.

“
Around the time that you broke my heart, and your own.”

She was about to reply but he cut her off.

“
Don't deny it, your misery is etched into every feature. Perhaps those who don't know you well can be fooled but not me. I know the pain you feel because I feel it too, every hour of every day.”

He had been getting closer and closer to her and now he stopped a few feet away.

“
I know that trusting me is a risk, Carrie, and I know that I have behaved shamefully but look at me; I am a broken man. I will never love another, as I am sure you will not either. Why should we continue to be miserable when what we want is ours for the taking?”

“
You make it sound easy,” she said.

“
It isn't. I know it's frightening for you. Once we are wed you will cease to have any rights as an individual and in the eyes of the law, you will be nothing more than my wife. Your property will be considered mine and my word will always trump yours.”

She nodded, for he was right and that was how marriage worked here.

“
Do you honestly think the letter of the law means anything to me?” he asked her. “Just because it says I can overrule you, does not mean that I ever would. The look of hurt I would see on your face is a bigger deterrent than any punishment you could dream up. I am also shrewd enough to realise that you are strong and independent. I have no doubt that if I were to ever mistreat you that, lawful or not, you would leave me, and probably do a more than fair job of keeping yourself hidden from me.”

“
I would,” she confirmed.

“
And I wouldn't have it any other way,” he assured her. “For any man who would mistreat you does not deserve you, myself included. I will never risk losing you.”

Carrie could feel herself giving in to his words, wanting to believe him and wishing that she had the courage to fall into his arms.

“
I love you, Carrie Preston and I always will, whether you accept me or not. I suspect that you will always love me also, so let us end each other's torment and take a chance.”

Carrie felt tears stinging her eyes. She so much wanted to believe what he said.

“
I don't know if I can,” she said honestly.

“
I am not asking for much,” he said, taking another step closer. “Not yet at least. Let me court you, Carrie, treat you as a lady should be treated and prove to you that I will never hurt you.”