Whatever...Love Is Love (19 page)

Let's continue to ask questions to figure out who we are, who we want to be, who we love, and who we want to share our lives with. Labels are useless and meaningless, unless they are the labels you want for yourself and make you feel part of a community to which you are proud to belong. Labels should never make you feel judged or afraid.

Finally, truth is, call me whatever you want! I will label myself practically anything to advance human rights. All I hope is that we all keep questioning our labels, get rid of the ones that hold us back, and hang on to the ones that shine light on the beauty of who we really are.

SENDING GOLDEN SHOES TO YOU AND ALL WHOM YOU LOVE.

Maria

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

W
hen I was 21, a woman in a casting office asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I said, “I want to change the world.” Grand ambitions for such a young girl! Later in life I realized that for me, it was the little things that I could give that would help change the world. We all have gifts to offer and this book is one of mine.

There are many people who have supported me in giving my little gift. To my team at HarperCollins and Dey Street Books—my publisher, Lynn Grady; Jeanne Reina; Paula Szafranski; Joseph Papa; Sharyn Rosenblum; Michael Barrs; and Sean Newcott—thank you for helping me to continue the conversation of labels. I'd especially like to thank my editor, the brilliant Carrie Thornton, who trusted me and allowed me the space to find my voice while always making what I had to say even better. But mostly though, by being yourself—a perfectly imperfect working mom. You made me feel not so lonely anymore and gave me the confidence to keep going.

John Carrabino, Heidi Schaeffer, Bob Myman, Kim Hodgert, Rick Kurtzman, Michael Rosenfeld, Marie Ambrosino, Michael Katcher, Cait Hoyt, and Alasdair Munn, you have been my guides to a career I've always dreamt of. Whether I've been up or down, hot or not, you believed in me and are honorable, trusted colleagues, and most importantly, friends.

Thank you to my friends and family for letting me tell their stories and for their constant support: Mom, you are the sunshine for all of us. Pop, Joey, Lynn, my best friend and sister Lisa, Dave, my savior bro Chris, Brittany, Maya, Kylie, Tyler, Christian, Carly, Sophia, Aunt Connie and Uncle Pete, Aunt Sheila and Uncle Pat, Uncle Ed, my Grandma Fran, Uncle Denis and Aunt Roe, and all my cousins. Also the ones who are not here with us: PopPop Urban, Grandma Bello, PopPop Bello, Babci, Aunt Gert, Uncle Stosh, Aunt Margaret, and my Aunt Maria, who all helped to make the Farkel family what it is today. They help us all to keep laughing and to continue to make lemonade out of lemons!

My friends for life—Kelly Loftus, for your grace and humor and for always loving me, and Carolyn Mayer, who made me feel cool even in high school. Camryn Manheim—I am so lucky our boys are brothers. You've helped me to become a better mom. Aimee Carpenter and Leslee and Laura Feldman—my sisters who first showed me the beauty of an untraditional family. Ray Azoulay, who always has my back and makes me smile and who gave me the old typewriter when I signed the deal for the book with a note that said, “Start writing right away.”

To Kathy Eldon, Suzanne Lerner, Gretchen Thomas, Lolo Silvera, Caroline Sada, Barbara Guillaume, Aleda Fishman, Alison Thompson, Captain, Danielle Saint-Lot, Bryn Mosser, Beth O'Donnel, Karim Amir, Jehane Noujaim, Christina Lurie, Dick Friedman, Sue Munn, Josie and Alan Munn, Paul Haggis, Father Rick, and all of the activists and friends I love who have welcomed me and my family into your homes and hearts.

And to my friends who are not only the greatest actors but also the best human beings as well—Patricia Arquette, Viola Davis, Olivia Wilde, Olympia Dukakis, Chris Rock, and my joy bringer, Mariska Hargitay, you all inspire me every day with your compassion, talent, and grace.

To Susan Smalley, Yasmeen Hassan, Pat Mitchell, Jamie Wolf, Geralyn Dreyfous, Jodie Evans, Regina Scully, Gloria Steinem, Michael Kimmel, DeVon Franklin, Anastasia Khoo, and Loreen Arbus—you are all powerful leaders fighting for equal and human rights and I am lucky to have you as guides and some of you even as friends.

To our home team—Michelle Czarnik, Gloria Aylala, Kolby Coons, Rachel de la Torre, Darcy Brislin, and Carleigh Rochon—without you our house and office would not be a home.

Thank you to Dr. Louis Fishman and Dr. Radi Shamsi, without whom I would still have millions of little parasites running around inside me!

And to my unofficial editor and great friend, Claudia Carasso, who spent many hours talking me through this process and being at my side to make sure the voice on the page matched the voice in my heart.

To all the people who helped me to grow whether it was painful or not. Some know who you are and some have no idea.

Father Ray and John Calley, you continue to give me the strength, even from Heaven, to put myself out there. I'm sure you are having a beer together right now.

To Dan McDermott, a great dad and my partner for life in raising our wonderful son.

And to the most curious, odd, beautiful, and magical Zimbabwean I've ever known, Clare Munn. I'm lucky to be walking side by side with you in this lifetime. We are mostly perfect, and without your love, this adventure would be boring.

And to Jackson—you read some things in this book that most kids would not want to know about their mothers. But you are not “most kids.” I appreciate you as a human being and am so lucky to be on this journey with you. Thank you for your words “whatever, love is love.” Without them, and without you, I would be lost.

x,

M

RESOURCES

Jamison, Kay Redfield.
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness.
New York: Vintage, 1997.

Paulus, Trina.
Hope for the Flowers
. New York: Paulist Press, 1972.

Shinn, Florence Scovel.
The Game of Life and How to Play It
. Camarillo, CA: DeVorss & Company, 1978.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

MARIA BELLO
is an activist, actor, and writer. Her essay “Coming Out as a Modern Family” was one of the 10 most popular to appear in the
New York Times
's Modern Love column. She lives in Los Angeles, California.

Maria's Whatever campaign supports human and equal rights causes. A portion of proceeds from the sale of products offered on the site will go toward supporting these organizations: HRC (hrc.org), Equality Now (equalitynow.org), and We Advance (weadvance.org).

WHATEVERLOVEISLOVE.COM

Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at
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.

PRAISE

“
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
is a wryly funny, deeply moving account that questions conventional definitions while examining the labels we give ourselves and accept from others. In her personal experience, Maria finds much that's universal, as well as a great deal that is purely, joyfully, amusingly, and touchingly unique. A most absorbing and rewarding read.”

—
Jamie Wolf
, vice president of the PEN Center, USA

“With openhearted honesty, Maria Bello reveals a personal journey to accept ‘what is' with humor and compassion, and shows how doing so is the key to ultimate happiness. By sharing her stories of fear, pain, and joy, we find a shared humanity, and in it a commonality of love.
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
captures the many facets of love and is a warm reminder of its beauty.”

—
Susan L. Smalley, PhD
, author of
Fully Present
and founder of the UCLA Mindfulness Awareness Research Center

“
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
opens up the truly extraordinary worlds of Maria Bello. Much like a carnival in her beloved Haiti—her discovery of how she survived her own darkness is moving, enlightening, and often hilarious.”

—
Olympia Dukakis
, Oscar
^®
-winning actress

“Maria is the consummate storyteller—courageous, authentic, the kind who infuses her words with such a generosity of spirit, sharing her pains, insights, and joys. Maria writes in a voice that we can truly hear because it resonates with our hearts and souls. Our culture learns and evolves so much through our honest stories, and Maria's are as honest as they come.
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
uplifts and inspires us all.”

—
Regina Scully
, executive producer of the Oscar
^®
-nominated documentary
The Invisible War
and founder of the Artemis Rising Foundation

“Whatever . . . love is love. As simple as it sounds, it is hard to practice and proclaim. By flipping labels to embrace only the ‘ones we give ourselves,' Maria reminds us that how we love defines us more than whom we love.”

—
Geralyn White Dreyfous
, cofounder of the Utah Film Center

“Maria has taken the courageous step of sharing her amazing story with the world, and by doing so, she benefits thousands of LGBT people and their families, and asks them to live truthfully.
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
speaks to the very heart of our fight for equality for all Americans.”

—
Anastasia Khoo
, director of marketing for the Human Rights Campaign

“Maria invites us to
be
love. Separation leads to war, and connection leads to peace. She has revealed through
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
the path to peace both inside and out.”

—
Jodie Evans
, cofounder of CODEPINK: Women for Peace

“In a world preoccupied with parsing the tiniest differences into yet another label, Maria Bello's bracing, heartfelt, and humane book reminds us that it's not form that matters, it's content. Love comes in so many sizes and shapes, and it's always beautiful.
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
reclaims the word ‘whatever' and changes it from a nonchalant shrug into a posture at once defiant and embracing.”

—
Michael Kimmel
, distinguished professor of sociology and gender studies, Stony Brook University, and author of
Guyland

“Maria has the courage to bravely confront and challenge the labels we've been given.
Whatever . . . Love Is Love
is a provocative and thought-provoking book that makes us question the labels we struggle with and gives us hope to discover our true purpose and God-given identity.”

—
DeVon Franklin
, president/CEO of Franklin Entertainment, author, and motivational speaker

CREDITS

Cover design by Amanda Kain
Cover photograph © by Amanda Demme

COPYRIGHT

Names have been omitted and certain identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

WHATEVER . . . LOVE IS LOVE.
Copyright © 2015 by Maria Bello. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

ISBN 978-0-06-235183-8

EPub Edition April 2015 ISBN 9780062351852

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