When Daddy Comes Home (11 page)

J
oe had not returned to the gate lodge the evening that his daughter was leaving home.

She knew that he would delay his return until some time after she had left. Her mother acted as though it was just another day and her daughter was leaving for a holiday. Antoinette tried to make herself believe that too. After all, she was going to work in a holiday camp so surely she would have some fun.

When her small suitcase was packed and everything was ready, Antoinette turned to face Ruth. She fought her need to throw herself into her mother’s arms for one last hug; she knew that any show of regret on Ruth’s part would be an act. Instead, she offered her cheek and received a cool kiss in return.

‘Goodbye, darling. Don’t forget to drop a postcard, will you?’

‘No, of course not, Mummy,’ she said, unable to break the deeply ingrained habit of obedience. Picking up her case, she opened the door and walked down the path to freedom.

It was not the first time she made the crossing between Northern Ireland and the mainland. She had been born in England and had only come to live in the country where her father was from when she was five and a half.

When the bus arrived at the docks and she saw the ship swaying gently in the oily water, she remembered the journey she and her mother had made eleven years ago when she was five and a half. With Judy, they had travelled from Kent to Liverpool by train and from there had taken the twelve-hour ferry crossing to Belfast. Her father had gone on ahead to find them a place to live and get himself a job, but he would be waiting for them at the docks.

Antoinette recalled the small chills of excitement that had sent shivers creeping up her spine when, far too small to be able to see over the boat’s rails, she had to be lifted up. Then, in the early hours of a damp morning she had caught a glimpse of the Belfast docks. This, she was sure, heralded the first day of living in a country where they would all be happy.

A lump came into Antoinette’s throat when, in her mind’s eye, she saw her younger self wriggling with anticipation as she searched the crowds for a glimpse of her father. To her, in those days, he was just a big handsome man who made her mother laugh and bought his daughter presents.

To Ruth’s delight, Joe had borrowed a car to meet his family at the docks so they could travel the final stage of the journey in comfort. Warmly wrapped in a tartan rug, their little girl had sat in the back seat craning her neck to take in everything about the new country they were going to live in. She had held Judy up to the window and excitedly pointed out the different scenery to her. Antoinette remembered wistfully the rapturous greeting her large Irish family had given them. They had all been waiting in her grandparents’ tiny terrace house when Joe and his family arrived, ready to make a fuss of her and spoil her as much as they could. She was the first grandchild and the youngest member of the family and she had come to love her plump, white-haired Irish grandmother,
her taciturn grandfather, her aunts, uncles and her numerous cousins.

Then, when Antoinette was eleven, the family had moved back to Southern England, hoping to find the happiness that always seemed to elude them. By then the happy child that she had been when she arrived on the boat in Belfast had disappeared, replaced by a pale-faced, depressed and lonely eleven-year-old who had already been suffering at the hands of her father for five years. Antoinette had been unhappy in England and when, only three years later, she had been told that they were moving back to Ireland, she had been relieved.

The thirteen-year-old who had returned to Ireland was a pale shadow of the Antoinette who had arrived when she was little. Although she anticipated finishing her schooling there and going on to university, excitement had ceased long before to be an emotion she felt. By then her world had become a grey place and even the thought of seeing her family again did not lift the cloud of depression that hung over her. At thirteen she knew she was trapped in a life where she saw no escape and only Judy’s presence gave her comfort. Since then, her life had descended further into misery and what felt like an endless punishment for things she had no power over.

Antoinette thrust away the thoughts that seeing the boat had conjured up; she wanted to forget her parents and her family’s rejection. She wanted to push to the back of her mind the nagging worry that, apart from the temporary accommodation that Butlins provided during the summer, she was sixteen and a half and homeless.

I’m not going to think about that now, she told herself firmly. All that can wait until I get back. Right now, I’m going away on an adventure and that’s all I’m going to concentrate on. I’m going to work all summer, earn my own money and,
best of all, meet people who know nothing about me or where I come from.

She forced a cheerful smile on to her face as she climbed up the ramp that led onto the boat and made her way to the cabin she had reserved. She wanted time there alone. She was determined that Antoinette was going to be left behind on the Irish shore and that when the boat docked, it was Toni who was going to emerge.

Toni dressed in the height of fashion and wore a modish backcombed hairstyle. Her face was made up in the same way as other girls, with pale face and lips and heavy black eyeliner and mascara. Toni was a girl with a happy home, caring parents and a plan to take a secretarial course, and Toni was ready to meet new friends.

Once in the cabin, Antoinette began her transformation. She pulled off the clothes she had left home in. In the bottom of her case she placed the grey skirt and the hated blue twin set. She pulled on instead a pair of new snug-fitting jeans, a white shirt and a new pair of soft leather pumps. Standing on the only chair in the cabin, she admired her reflection in the tiny mirror above the wash basin then jumped down and reached for her make-up bag. It only took a few minutes for her to paint on the face of a bright confident teenager and hair hurriedly lacquered completed the look. Like a snake, she had shed her old skin and now she had metamorphosed into a typical teenager. She looked into the mirror again and saw a girl who was looking forward to the months ahead, one who had no worries and one who was going to be popular. She was suddenly full of optimism and hope.

Trying out her new image, she left the small cabin and went to the bar. She eyed the bottles of vodka longingly. Although she knew she easily looked eighteen, she was scared
of being challenged, so she ordered a coffee instead. Taking it to a small table, she surveyed the other passengers sitting in groups and wondered if any of them were going to the same destination as she was.

The clanging of the gangway being lifted was followed by the shudder of the boat as it started leaving the dock. Antoinette looked out of the porthole and watched the skyline of Belfast fading into the distance as the huge vessel gradually left the docks until it vanished altogether. Not until the only light left was the dim silver glow of the moon casting shadows on the dark depths of the Irish Sea and glimmering on the white swell of the waves did she tear her eyes away. Then she went back to her cabin and went to sleep.

In the morning, she got up and dressed in her new incarnation. Then, clutching her case, she went to watch the boat entering the Liverpool docks.

S
he had all the directions written down on how to get to Butlins. First she had to catch a train to North Wales. There, coaches would be waiting to take her and the other recruits to the holiday camp.

The station in Liverpool was easy to find although, after Belfast, the city was huge and daunting. Once there, Antoinette quickly found her train and settled herself by a window. She had lied about her age to obtain her work at Butlins but after numerous peeks into the mirror and several repairs to her make-up, she convinced herself that nobody would guess she was eighteen months below the required age of eighteen. The train pulled out of the station and she quickly lost herself in a daydream as the scenery flashed by outside the window. It felt like no time at all before they arrived at the destination, and she alighted from the train and went to find the coach that would take her to the camp. It was parked near the station and it was filling up with summer recruits like herself. Scattering their luggage carelessly in the aisles, the girls chattered and laughed as they piled into every seat. Antoinette found herself a place and settled in, enjoying the holiday atmosphere on board. It didn’t feel at all like workers on their way to their employment, more like an
outing. Perhaps, she thought hopefully, this was going to be fun.

Butlins must be as large as Lisburn, Antoinette thought, as the coach finally drove through the gates. The holiday camp looked like a small town with streets lined with pubs, restaurants and shops, and behind them numerous rows of single-storey wooden chalets. Nearby were large dining halls. Everywhere she looked she could see groups of casually dressed holidaymakers wandering around.

Piling out of the coach, the new members of staff gathered up their luggage and then were led to their chalets. Antoinette was shown to her accommodation by a blue-coated member of staff who informed her that this was his third season. Blue coats belonged to the camp supervisors, he explained, and should new members of staff have any problems, it was to them that they could go.

Antoinette was to share with three other girls and, being the last to arrive, had been allotted a top bunk and a small locker for her belongings. This was to be her home for the next three months. She looked around the room and wondered briefly how four people could live side by side in it for the duration of the summer. Its four bunks covered by thin blankets took up most of the space, leaving scarcely any room for the coffee table and four wooden chairs. On a small cupboard there was a kettle, tea pot, milk jug and cups. Voices floated through walls hardly more than partitions on one side, while music came through the other.

The three girls whom she was to share with looked the opposite of what her mother would have described as ‘nice girls’. Dressed in tight clothes, their faces heavily made up and
cigarettes hanging out of the sides of their mouths, they sat painting their nails. They glanced up at her without much interest then showed her the small cupboard where she could hang her clothes.

One of them made a pot of strong tea. ‘Would you like a cup?’ she asked Antoinette as she placed the pot in the middle of the coffee table.

‘Yes please,’ Antoinette replied politely.

‘Get yourself a cup then,’ the girl said, nodding at the cupboard. Antoinette did as she was told.

They sat down, drinking their tea as the girls’ nails dried, and started chatting.

‘What’s your name then?’ asked one.

‘I’m Toni,’ she said, and they nodded, accepting this without question. They came from the North of England, they told her, and were old hands at Butlins – this was their fourth season.

‘This is my first time,’ confided Antoinette. ‘I’m pretty nervous. I’ve no idea what it will be like.’

‘Don’t worry,’ the youngest of the trio, a small bubbly brunette, told her. ‘We’ll show you the ropes all right. There’s lots to do here.’

‘And lots of men to do it with!’ another of the group, a pretty bleach-blonde, said with a laugh.

They started to discuss their adventures with relish. Antoinette listened to them talk with what she hoped was a nonchalant expression on her face. One side of her wanted to feel part of this group of girls, all very different from ones she had known in Ireland, while the other part recoiled from their careless mention of boys.

Since breaking up with Derek, she had had no wish to meet anyone else. As she listened to the three women talking, it was becoming clear that things were quite different here. In
Ireland, there was a rigorous code of behaviour and young people did not expect to have sex – at least, not easily. That did not exist here. She heard the girls mention condoms as carelessly as she would have asked for a second spoon of sugar. Just hearing the word made her cringe and she felt her confidence, which had been increasing, begin to ebb.

Men of all different shapes and sizes came to Butlins in droves, her new room-mates informed her. With plenty of money in their pockets, they were out for a good time. Each of the girls had acquired a boyfriend at the start of the previous season but they’d already replaced that one several times over and would do so again a few more times before they returned home. When each new romance had lasted its fortnight and the holiday was over, there were tearful goodbyes and promises to write but that was all quickly forgotten when the next coach emptied out yet another group of eager young males.

‘Don’t you want a steady boyfriend?’ Antoinette asked, thinking of the girls back home who wanted nothing else. As soon as the question had left her lips and three pairs of eyes looked blankly at her, she knew that she had given away the fact that she was a lot greener than she looked.

‘Who wants to get stuck with one?’ cried one of the girls. ‘Not when every fortnight new ones with loads of cash arrive.’

They all whooped with laughter at Antoinette’s face, which she could feel had turned scarlet, and their eyes sparkled at the expectation of the nights ahead of them. Antoinette had a sinking feeling that she was not going to enjoy herself as much as she had thought.

The pretty brunette saw her embarrassment and asked frankly, ‘Are you a virgin, then?’

Antoinette nearly gasped aloud with horror. It was a question no nice Irish girl would have dreamt of asking or
answering, come to that. She struggled with what to answer. To say ‘no’ would make her one of them, but then she would be expected to join in their activities. To say ‘yes’ would immediately make her different, something she did not want to be.

Her room-mates took pity on her. From her confusion and the pause while she tried to think of a reply, they assumed she had given herself away. She was obviously still a virgin – in their eyes, it was much more shaming to be inexperienced than it was to sleep with boys.

‘Say, how old are you anyway?’ one asked, looking at her closely.

She wondered for a minute whether to try and pretend she was eighteen but she knew immediately they wouldn’t believe her. ‘I’m sixteen and a half,’ she said.

The girls looked at each other and then at Antoinette.

‘YouDre taking a bit of a risk, aren’t you?’ said the brunette.

‘I know. I lied about my age because I wanted to come here so badly. You won’t tell, will you?’

‘Don’t worry about us – we won’t breathe a word.’

‘Do you promise?’

‘Course we do. We don’t mind how old you are,’ said one, and the others nodded.

‘But if you are that young, you had better hang on to it for a bit longer!’ said the blonde kindly.

They asked her why she was there and Antoinette quickly made up a story of her father leaving her mother and there not being enough money to pay for her school fees. She had come, she said, to save as much as she could. She could tell that she now had their sympathy and that she had gone from being a strange girl with a posh accent to someone young and innocent who needed looking after.

‘All men are bastards,’ the trio chorused in unison.

‘If any of them gives you bother you just come to us,’ said the blonde and her two friends nodded in agreement.

Antoinette suddenly felt secure as she basked in the warmth of her new friends’ unexpected kindness. That evening, the girls took her out with them and showed her where she could apply for extra evening work if she wanted it.

‘Leave it till tomorrow,’ one said.

‘Wait till you’ve done a day’s work and see how you feel,’ advised another.

‘Don’t forget you want to have some fun as well,’ added the third as they started on their pub crawl.

The bars were bigger than the dance halls in Belfast and packed with families. Here it seemed that three generations went on holiday together, as well as groups of friends of both sexes. The girls’ first stop was a brightly lit bar with a large stage where a woman in a cotton dress belted out a Connie Francis number as a band played behind her. The bar staff were busy pulling pints of beer, pouring spirits into glasses and placing straws into bottles of fizzy drinks for the youngest customers. Waiters carrying trays of drinks fought their way through the throngs of happy, sun-kissed customers, young and old. Laughing children clutching bags of crisps chased one another through the legs of the adults, while teenage girls tossed their hair and gave sideways looks at the groups of youths, and honeymoon couples stood in pairs with their arms encircling each other.

Antoinette found to her relief that her room-mates had taken her under their wing and they explained everything she needed to know about working at Butlins. By the end of the evening, her spirits had lifted and they all returned happily to the chalet where Antoinette slept contentedly in her top bunk until her little alarm clock woke her at six thirty.

Unlike the older girls, Antoinette did not find rising early difficult and she further endeared herself to the group by making the morning tea. At seven fifteen, the trio took Antoinette to the huge dining rooms where hundreds of holidaymakers would be fed over two sittings. They left her with a supervisor to learn the ropes and went off about their own tasks. After a quick tour of the work place, she was given her uniform of a checked dress and she changed into it, preparing herself for the work ahead. She was confident that she could do the job easily, thankful that her time working in the coffee bar had prepared her for the work here. Unlike most of the other new girls who wore pretty kitten-heeled shoes, she knew what standing for several hours meant and had brought sensible shoes and cotton socks. She glanced with some pity at girls who were obviously wearing nylons, for she knew that by the end of the day they would have blisters on their heels.

Each waitress was allocated a station comprising ten tables and an area where cutlery was washed. In the course of two hours, eighty people had to be served, plates cleared and cutlery washed before the staff was fed. Using plate racks to stack the meals, the waitresses trotted up the aisles, almost throwing the dishes in front of the customers before rushing back to the huge heated trolleys to load up again. Back and forth they ran, dispensing as many meals and smiles as possible. Waitresses were very aware that wide smiles increased the amounts of tips given to them at the end of each week when, on departure, the holidaymakers showed their appreciation for the service they’d received.

There were three shifts a day, and after each one the staff hurriedly ate their own meals. No sooner was their last mouthful swallowed than it was time to lay the tables for the next sitting.

The evening was a repeat of lunchtime but with three courses to be served, which meant placing plates of food down in front of holidaymakers two hundred and forty times. The waitresses had an even greater interest in giving a quick service at dinner: they all wanted to return to their chalets and change for a night out. As soon as dusk fell, the staff at Butlins entered into the holiday spirit just as much as the guests did, and the neon lights of the numerous bars and clubs beckoned them to party the night away.

Antoinette had decided to take her new friends’ advice and only work five nights a week and leave the other two for enjoyment. Her room-mates assured her that they would make sure that she was looked after.

‘We’ll stop any boys coming on to you heavy’ was what they had actually said.

Feeling like the group’s mascot but happy nevertheless, she was under the umbrella of their protection whenever she left the chalet with them for another night out.

Antoinette had put her name down for waitressing in the large bar they had been in on the first night. The manager had smiled at her as he asked the only question he seemed interested in hearing the answer to: how many nights did she want to work? And she was due to start there the next night. The families that frequented it were better tippers than teenagers, her friends had informed her. Youngsters tended to run out of money before their holiday was over and tips were important. If she could live on them, all her wages could be saved and she calculated that by the end of the season she should have enough money to pay for a bedsitter plus a term’s fees at the college.

Life quickly fell into a routine at the camp. During the day, she worked hard waitressing the tables and serving the holidaymakers. In the evenings, she would make her way to the bar and start her shift there. The walls would shake as the bands turned up the volume on their speakers to stop the hum of conversation of hundreds of revellers drowning their music out completely. Whatever the age of the customer, they had one desire in common: to have a good time and enjoy their holiday, and that created an infectiously happy mood. Here, there was no room for sadness. Everybody wanted to have fun and to make the most of every minute. Antoinette found herself caught up in the atmosphere and her depression over Derek lifted. She pushed firmly thoughts of her parents and the uncertain future that awaited her at home to the back of her mind.

I’ll deal with that later, she told herself. I like it here. I’ve made friends, I’ve got somewhere to stay, plenty of work to keep me busy and three months to enjoy myself, so I may as well make the most of it.