When Good Kids Have Sex (2 page)

Finally, by promoting early marriage, many sects help bring biological clocks and
community standards of chastity into greater harmony. In most parts of the world
today, as in our own recent past, marriage in the mid-teens is a fact of life. If
you are determined that your child remain chaste before marriage, your goal is more
easily attainable if you encourage him to marry early, perhaps immediately after
high school graduation. If you and he agree on that limitation years before, he
too has a definable goal for himself - a reinforcement of his resolve.

Most parents today, however, are less concerned about chastity than about delaying
a child's entry into adult sexuality.

This goal is reasonable and usually obtainable, in my experience. You make certain
that you keep track of your kid's comings and goings. You do not allow her to spend
a lot of unchaperoned time on her own with a boy, even if you like and trust him.
As a kind of preemptive strike, you discourage early dating. Instead, encourage
her to develop a lot of different interests, including some strenuous physical activities.
If you follow these guidelines - and talk frankly with your child about sex and
sexual responsibility - you are doing about all you can to prevent her from becoming
entangled too early in the demands and confusions of adult sexuality.

Another invaluable lesson from my foster kids: They forced David and me to talk
about sex with our sons long before we would have otherwise. They also helped me
become comfortable asking and answering questions about sex. They helped me define
my ideas and learn how to make my opinions known.

All of this took time to learn, despite the eagerness of my teenage teachers, so
be patient with yourself. Few parents find birds-and-bees discussions easy, but
open talk about sexual responsibility is the necessary prerequisite to preventing
early intercourse. It's the only way you can begin to discharge your responsibility
for your child's sexual education.

Teenagers, too, are uncomfortable in these discussions. Why? One reason, not generally
acknowledged, is that talking about sex arouses sexual feelings. For many lovers,
of course, sex talk is the beginning of foreplay. A kid just beginning to burst
with all sorts of sexual feelings will be embarrassed as those feelings arise during
a talk with his parents.

Another problem is the hidden suggestion, when parents bring up the subject of sex,
that it is now time for the kid to become sexually active. How's this for a mixed
message:

"I want you to know about birth control, son, but I expect you not to act on that
knowledge."

This problem cannot be avoided. If you want your child to be sexually responsible,
you have to bite the bullet and share sexual knowledge with a person who is capable
of adult sexuality.

If you have been avoiding this subject, today is the day to change your ways - with
due and appropriate speed. Resolve to have a heart-to-heart with your teenager before
this time next week. Even if you talked to your good kid in her early teens, it
won't hurt to have a review session.

Let me give you a game plan for first-time sex talks.

Casually, join your kid when he's watching an episode of a TV situation comedy -
"How I Met Your Mother," "Modern Family," "Big bang Theory." Chances are, a plot
twist or some of the jokes can be used as a springboard for discussing sexual responsibility.
The next day, bring up the show when your kid comes home from school, get his reaction,
and initiate a discussion about the implications for his sexual behavior.

Rent a teen-oriented movie like "Easy A" or "Footloose". This week, watch it on
your own. Then, develop your script. What message do you want to get across? What
is the single most important thing your child should know about your thoughts on
sexual responsibility? (For example, the first message I tried to convey was that
there is such a thing as responsible sex.) Next week, get your kid to watch with
you.

You will find your own themes, but let me suggest a couple of approaches. Footloose,
for example, is good for discussing your fears as a parent, if you hope that your
kid will remain chaste until marriage. If you believe your teenager is sexually
active, or if you don't object to premarital sex, Easy A is more to the point.

Here's what I said to a foster child after we watched Footloose together: "Those
parents are worried about their children going too far. All parents worry about
that, because we don't like to see our kids get hurt. How you decide when to have
sex is your business, but I'd like you to know what I think about such things. I
want you to know, most of all, that there is such a thing as sexual responsibility."

Or, after watching Easy A with a kid:

"That movie was a lesson in sexual responsibility. I don't know if I've ever told
you directly what I think responsible sex is. Give me just five minutes, and I can
explain. It's a simple idea, but it may be the most important thing for you to learn
right now."

With these kinds of introductions, well begun is half done, but be prepared ahead
of time with the rest of your script. Here's how mine went, but yours will be the
product of your own beliefs and goals:

"I hope you will always be sexually responsible. I mean, you won't ever let yourself
just get swept away. You'll choose to be sexually active. You'll give the matter
some thought ahead of time. And you should also use birth control and protect yourself
from disease. If you can't do that, you haven't thought enough about getting ready
to have sex. Finally, you'll try not to hurt or exploit your partner."

"I also think that the longer you wait to have sex, the more likely it is that you
will be able to behave in a responsible manner. In the meantime, you can learn a
lot about sex by exploring your body yourself, as well as by necking or petting.
That way, you'll be more prepared for adult sex and a better partner in the long
run."

Oh, yes. I do suggest masturbation as an intermediate step to intercourse. Girls,
especially, need to hear this message. Unlike boys, they do not have a lot of peer
permission to masturbate. You may be uneasy with this subject, but hear this: masturbation
is neither physically nor emotionally unhealthy, in itself, and it can slow down
the rush to sexual involvement.

Rehearse

Once you've got your script, practice saying it.

If you're watching one of the TV soaps and a character behaves irresponsibly, pretend
you are giving your sex speech to her. It's really a useful exercise in concentration
and focus. Or rehearse with a friend. You'll both have serious fun, and she'll probably
have some good suggestions. Participants in my Parent Tactics groups may spend four
to five weeks learning to talk comfortably about sex.

As soon as you're comfortable with the general idea, imagine having the sex conversation
with your kid. For a week or so, take note of the opportunities that naturally arise
in your family's daily life, and figure out how you can take advantage of them.
Practice mentally, until you're ready.

Finally, just do it. You can be formal: that is, sit down with your kid to watch
one of the TV shows or movies. Or you can seize the moment: wait for an opportunity
to present itself in conversation.

If you stumble or turn red in the face, let your kid know why: "My Mom and Dad didn't
talk about sex very easily, and I can't, either, but I'm going to keep at it. Bear
with me. I have to tell you what I think about sexual responsibility."

When you've had your say, ask gently for a response:

"Are you surprised by this? Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me? Do you
have a different opinion? Do your friends feel differently?"

Now, I do not expect miracles from every initial talk about sex. My suggested script
is the ideal, not the norm. Your kid may be unable to do more than stammer in embarrassment.
He may race for the nearest exit. Your attempt to open the door to a prolonged discussion
is still worth the try. When a foster kid couldn't handle my sex talk right away,
I backed off:

"I can see you need to think about this some more. You're not comfortable right
now. That's okay. Few kids like to talk about sex with their parents. But I have
to let you know where I stand. It's part of my job as a parent. Just remember: if
you ever do want to talk about sex, I'm always here. If you prefer to talk to some
other grownup, that's fine, too. Just think about these things, okay? And talk them
over with an adult you trust. The important thing is to be responsible."

I always specifically suggested getting advice about contraception and directed
them to their social workers, personal physician, or Planned Parenthood. Brochures
from Planned Parenthood were always scattered around house, but even so, my foster
kids, like most teenagers, rarely chose to go. They thought that such visits announced
that they were sexually active. Instead, they preferred a school-based health clinic.
Boys and girls alike resist sex discussions with a doctor they've known since childhood.
At least boys can buy condoms on their own. Since girls at this age need a gynecologic
exam anyway, set one up with a doctor your daughter doesn't know personally. In
that context, a discussion of sexual responsibility should be less embarrassing.

Always, even if I could get little else across, I made certain my kids heard clearly
the Levine Rule: Anyone who isn't ready to talk about birth control with a professional
and with her partner isn't ready to have sex.

Furthermore, anyone who has to ask parental permission to have sex should always
be told no, loud and clear. That youngster is simply not old enough, or emotionally
mature enough, to have sex. You can explore his feelings a little, find out what
is going on, but you can never give your kid permission. The choice has to be his.
You can explain your views and share your feelings about sexual responsibility,
but he must understand that you cannot decide for him. Don't let him put that on
you. Ever.

By the way, I think you should encourage your child's other parent to share the
pain of sex talks. Some parents even manage to handle a joint birds-and-bees conversation,
but most prefer to go at it separately. Your kid deserves to know where each of
you stands. You don't want him thinking, "Oh, Mom's so old-fashioned, but Dad would
understand." Fill in the blanks.

And if you disagree with each other? I doubt that it will be the first time. We're
in the real world, not the Oz envisioned by the self-help books that encourage parental
unity on this and lots of other subjects. Do some heavy thinking about your differences.
Are they minor, or do they really go to the heart of the matter? More than likely,
you will agree substantially on the basics; emphasize those.

But if the gulf separating your views is wider than the one separating Florida from
Mexico, just ‘fess up. Tell your child that you and her other parent do not totally
agree. (She's not likely to be surprised, either, at this point in the life of the
family.) Tell her you understand that she should listen to her other parent's point
of view with an open mind. Remind her that differing opinions are not necessarily
destructive. Often, it is likely that realistic options can be discovered by considering
a wide range of opinions.

In the long run, both parents must be realistic:

1. The decision about becoming sexually active belongs to your child, not to you or
   to her other parent.
   
2. Yet, you are right to make the assumption that, in making her decision, your child
   would like the benefit of some adult opinions.
   
3. Therefore, make sure your opinion is heard.
   
4. Recognize that you've done all you can.
   

Disease, possibly fatal, and unwanted children are the disastrous results of irresponsible
sex. While not life threatening, lesser dangers also exist like the pain of rejection,
performance anxiety, and the loss of sexual pleasure. Mutual pleasure bonds partners.
The sexually based pleasure bonding of male and female is nature's effort to assure
children are cared for by two parents; however, the emphasis on "better to wed than
burn" and viewing sex as the fulfillment of the commandment to be fruitful and multiply,
places self-pleasuring and same sex love in the shadows. Not healthy and not what
I believe nature intended. My feminist being sees reducing sexual pleasures, particularly
women's sexual pleasures, as a male thing and particularly a male thing for those
interested in control.

Protection from the fatal dangers is easier to find than the lesser dangers. Information
is available at school and on television. By and large, most institutions of society
encourage sexually active teenagers to choose safe sex. Moreover, the rates of teenage
pregnancy, and venereal disease have dropped. Education helps, but abstinence only
programs have clouded the information channel, increased shame for many, and limited
providing teens with the knowledge they need to make a responsible choice. Not much
has changed since my mother's efforts to educate me involved handing me a book to
read.

Confession: I had by the time I was given that book been exploring self-pleasuring
for several years. So naturally, I immediately turned to the index to read all about
the big M - masturbation. To my horror the book insisted indulging in self-sexual
pleasures was the pathway to insanity.

Did I stop my nighttime pre-sleep pleasuring? No. I was willing to risk craziness.
Most teens, once discovering the pleasures found in their bodies will risk potential
dangers rather than abstain from the pleasures.

Here's an example from my days as a foster parent. One Friday evening, three of
my girls teamed up to do the dishes so they could have more time to get ready for
a dance at the high school. Brown-haired, blue-eyed Nancy, a pretty fifteen-year-old
who acted much older, whispered, "I think we'll do it."