When I Surrender (8 page)

“Isn’t that for me to decide?”

His eyes slid back to mine. “You believe in me way too much.”

“Someone’s got to, Knox. I’ve seen the real you. The one
you keep hidden from everyone else. You’re a good man, despite what you want me to believe.”

“You refuse to see the bad in me.”

“So tell me, then. What’s so bad about you?” I was edging into dangerous territory. We’d never really covered his background in detail and I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but I was putting on my bravest front to show him that I wouldn’t be scared off. Who cared if prickles of sweat were forming against the back of my neck and my knees felt shaky? It was a conversation that needed to happen.

“You really want to hear the shit I’ve done?”

Suddenly losing my nerve, my lips parted, but no sound came out.

Knox took a step closer, his gaze hardening. “You want to hear that I fucked a mother and her eighteen-year-old daughter in the same day? That I broke up my buddy’s engagement when I accepted a blowjob from his fiancé
e? That because of this sick need inside me I’ve pushed every boundary, every limit? That I enjoy anal sex and the occasional ménage? Is that what you want to hear? You can’t handle me, angel. I can barely fucking handle me.”

The air whooshed from my lungs, my confidence vanishing. For the first time I began to doubt him – us – my belief that this could work falling away like a veil in the wind. He would want things I couldn’t possibility give him.

“Say something,” he ordered, taking a predatory step closer.

“I get it, okay? You made your point. You’re experienced. I’m not.”

“That wasn’t my point. Not at all.” He hung his head, looking down at the floor, his hands returning to his hair once again. “I’m sick, not a man worthy of you,” he whispered.

My heart broke for him. He deserved love and acceptance even if he couldn’t see that. “The things you’ve done don’t scare me. I just worry I won’t measure up to your past.”

He stepped closer, wrapping a hand around my hip to draw me nearer until we were just inches apart. It didn’t escape my notice that he was dressed in only a pair of black boxer briefs. “You have it backwards. My past doesn’t measure up to you.” His voice was whispery soft and his mouth was brushing against my ear, sending delicious little shivers racing down my spine. He pressed a tender kiss against the side of my neck and my head fell back, my body craving more.  His warm tongue slid against my pulse point, which was fluttering wildly. “I can read your fear, your uncertainty. You’re not ready for this.”

Finding my voice, I whispered, “So show me.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, what you’re agreeing to.”

We’d spoken only briefly about his dominant nature, but that word hung in the air all around us, its hidden meaning permeating my every pore.  Maybe I couldn’t handle his brand of physical affection. But what he’d shown me so far had been tender and intimate. Would sex with Knox really be so different? His tastes and desires were unknown to me, but most of me found that
exciting. Nerves raced through my belly as he nipped at my neck. “If we do this, Knox…have a real relationship, you’d have to show me….” I breathed, finding my courage.

He squeezed me tighter. “If we do this, you have to tell Brian about us.”

I giggled. Such an alpha male thing to say, laying his claim to me and wanting it known by all. “Of course I will. But stop avoiding this conversation. ”

“What conversation are we having, McKenna?” He sucked the skin at the base of my neck, pressing sweet kisses against my collarbone.

“Sex,” I murmured.

“You’re not ready yet
,” he said.  I pulled back and gave him a quizzical look. Was he serious right now? “I’ll know when you’re ready,” he continued. “You need to trust me.” His hands cupped my cheeks and he pressed a kiss to my forehead. I didn’t want to be treated like a china doll. I’d waited long enough for this moment in my life and I was sure.

“And you need to trust me.” I might be damaged, but I was stronger than he was giving me credit for. I could handle this. Couldn’t I?

He watched me with hooded eyes, taking stock of everything he saw – every emotion and stray thought racing through my brain. My entire body was alive and humming. It was as though he could see straight into me and read all my inner thoughts. It was the oddest sensation.

“Tell me what you want to know,” he said, brushing the hair back from my face. 

My stomach was coiled tight and nervous energy shot through my veins. Something was about to happen. I’d pushed him and now I needed to be sure I really was ready. “You seem so sure. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I just need to know that’s okay with you.”

“That’s a turn on, trust me. I can be a little dominating in the bedroom.”

Finally, we were discussing the elephant in the room. “A dominant? Like…you want a submissive?” My entire body was tingling. I had to know what I was signing up for.

“Mmm, not exactly.”
His large palm curled around the back of my neck, his thumb stroking the skin there. “I just like taking charge. Nothing extreme, I promise.”

My belly tightened. “I’m not into pain, Knox.”

“That’s not my thing at all, angel. You’d never have to worry about me hurting you.” His voice was sincere, and his warm honey eyes were loving and kind, but that didn’t stop the uncertainty raging inside me.

“What do you want
, then?”

“Control.
To show you pleasure.”

His words sent a jab of lust straight between my thighs and I let out a whimper. Something about this man, his desire to bring me pleasure
, lit me up from the inside out. If he had a trace of dominance, perhaps I had a trace of submissiveness.

“You like that, don’t you, angel?”
he asked. I nodded slowly, biting my lip as I gazed up at him. “Soon,” he promised. “My self-control is almost non-existent where you’re concerned.”

“Everyone’s had you.
But I can’t? How’s that fair?”

“I’m giving you everything.”

“By not giving me any?” I argued.

“Stop, McKenna. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do, though, that’s the thing. I want this with you. And not this pseudo friend-zone you’ve placed me in. I want everything. I want to be loved, cherished, and made to feel like a woman, your woman, not your little sister.”

“If you were my sister, I’d be put in jail for the things I want to do to you.”

My heart stuttered. He did want the same things as me, I could see it in his eyes. “If I’m pushing you – if this is about your addiction, or because I’m your counselor….”

“It’s not.” He stepped closer.

“Then what is it?”

“Brian told me.”

“He told you….” I paused. He needed to fill in the blank because I failed to see what Brian had to do with any of this.

Chapter
Ten

Knox

McKenna was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain.
Shit
. “When I came to see you when you were sick, Brian pulled me aside. He wanted to know what my intentions were with you.”

A tiny crease formed across
her forehead. “And…what are they?”

“I told him you were sick and I was simply there to take care of you. He thinks I’m a sexual sociopath. He was looking at me like I was going to shove my dick down your throat while you’re sick, and I assured him I could keep it in my pants.”

She chewed on her lip and waited. “What did he say?” she asked.

“He told me.” She waited, breathless, her eyes locked on mine.
“McKenna, are you a virgin?”

She sucked in a shuddery breath and her gaze fell from mine.
I didn’t want her to feel ashamed or embarrassed, and shit, I probably shouldn’t have just sprung this on her, but we needed to discuss this. It didn’t help that we were having this conversation dressed as we were – me in my underwear and her in just a T-shirt. But she needed to see that she wasn’t ready for me.

“Does it matter?” she asked, clenching her fists at her sides.

“It does to me.”

“So this
is
about my inexperience. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

She thought she was disappointing me, which made zero sense.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not disappointed. I’m fucking terrified. The thought of being the first to touch you, the first man to be inside you, to penetrate your tight pussy, makes me insane, but I’m scared I can’t be what you need.”

“What do you mean?
” Sapphire blue eyes, wide with curiosity, blinked up at mine. “What do you think I need?”

“You need someone to be gentle and careful with you, someone who’s soft and slow.”

“You could try….” she murmured.

“I don’t trust myself.”

“I trust you.” Those same eyes, now blazing with determination, stared into mine. “I’m here because I trust you.”

She looked so beautiful, so soft and sweet
, standing there in my faded gray T-shirt, feet bare and toes painted pink. And hearing her confess that she trusted me with something so sacred tugged at something deep inside me. Confessing some of my background has been a scare tactic. But the look in her eyes didn’t match the expression of a scared little girl. She needed to understand how fucked up I was. I couldn’t let myself tarnish her perfection. And I would. I would take every last bit of her innocence and obliterate it just to quench my own desire.

Exercising my last ounce of self-control,
I closed the distance between us and pressed a kiss to her mouth. “I’m not budging on this. I don’t think you’re ready yet.” It was either walk away now or throw her down on my bed and have my way with her.

Her hands flew to her hips. “You also didn’t think you had a problem with sex, and you fought me on getting STD testing done, and I know pushing you on both was the right thing. I get that you’re scared, but Knox…
.”

I looked down, popping the knuckles in my fingers. “There’s something else,” I admitted. She looked at me quizzically. “I knew when you didn’t say anything last time that you were probably inexperienced, because usually it’s t
he first thing girls comment on….”

Shit
. She still wasn’t catching on. I was going to have to spell it out for her. “I’m, um, a lot bigger than average.” I sounded like a cocky asshole, but I wasn’t bragging. I wasn’t trying to impress her. I was trying to warn her. To ensure she understood that this probably wouldn’t be fun for her.

A slow smile uncurled on McKenna’s lips.
Not the reaction I’d been expecting. It made me wonder if perhaps she had noticed my size, either that or she was remembering it fondly now. But I wasn’t trying to be cute. I’d had one girl actually tell me she needed to take a muscle relaxer before she’d let me fuck her. She was a little dramatic, but I wasn’t kidding that nearly every woman I’d been with had commented on my size – I was a lot to handle, and they weren’t virgins.

I hadn’t been with a virgin since high school and I didn’t
exactly remember the experience favorably. I didn’t take pleasure in causing pain. It wasn’t something I wanted to repeat, but now with McKenna standing before me looking vulnerable and needy, I wouldn’t reject her and I certainly wouldn’t push her into the arms of another man. As much as I might have been fighting it, I knew it had to be me. If not tonight, then soon. Neither of us were good at waiting, it seemed.

McKenna pouted, her lower lip jutting out.
 

“Come here,” I ordered.

She hesitantly stepped forward, her fingers still playing with the hem of the shirt.

“What do you have to do tomorrow?”

“I’m working at the teen shelter, but not until ten in the morning. Why?”

I smoothed my hands up and down her arms. “You’ll probably be sore. I wanted to make sure you don’t have anything too strenuous planned.”

Her pulse thundered in her neck as if she realized for the first time that we really were going to do this. My dick had gotten the memo, too, lengthening in my boxers and growing heavy against my thigh. He would have to wait his fucking turn. I would do everything in my power to make sure McKenna was as wet and ready as possible before I took the precious gift she was offering. It was the least I could do. She was giving me something that could never be replaced. There were no do-overs.

I was never nervous before sex, but my own heart was thudding like a
damn drum in my chest. The significance of this moment hit me hard. But I was like a hungry lion and she’d pushed me too far and now I needed a taste.

“I need to know your limits,” I said,
watching her fidget.

“My limits?”
That tiny crease between her brow was back.

“I need to know if there’s something you’re uncomfortable with.”

She chewed on her lip. There was something on her mind, but she was afraid to voice it.

“Tell me,” I
commanded, my voice steady.

She wet her lips, stalling for more time. “I don’t like, um, oral sex.”

“To give it or receive it?” I questioned, raising one dark brow. This was interesting, and not what I’d expected her to say.

“Receiving it,” she managed to blurt out, looking down at the floor
under my watchful stare.

“Why not?”

Her little hands balled into fists at her sides like she was afraid to admit whatever it was on her mind.

“Has anyone ever done that to you before, angel?”

She shook her head.

I
sucked in a hiss of a breath and cursed. Shit, that only made me want to do it more. “Why do you think you wouldn’t like it?”

“Be-because I can’t imagine I’ll taste good and…I would hate for you to think I smell or taste bad.”

She was self-conscious, but she had no reason to be. I was certain she’d taste delicious, salty and sweet just like a woman should.  I would enjoy showing her just how very wrong she was. I inhaled against the side of her neck. “I love your scent,” I promised. “And I’m certain you’ll taste delicious. Real males like that taste, McKenna.” She sucked in a breath. “Let me worship your pussy,” I breathed against her throat, causing her to break out in chill bumps. She shook her head. “That’s unacceptable.” She might have said this was something she didn’t want, but it was the first thing I wanted to start with, limits be damned.

She opened her mouth to protest,
then closed it with a squeak.

That’s what I thought.
“Anything else?”

“When you said you liked, um…
.” She heaved in a breath and held it, too uncomfortable to continue. I could only assume she was talking about my rant on enjoying anal sex.

“I won’t be doing that with you.
At least not yet.” I wasn’t sure McKenna was the kind of girl to ever be ready for that kind of total domination, letting me take her most private of places, but I wouldn’t decide for her, not now. She constantly surprised me and perhaps between the sheets wouldn’t be any different.

She nodded, relief washing over her features.

Leaning down to brush my mouth against her neck, I whispered, “If this is what you need, I‘ll take care of you. I wanted to show you I could wait, that this was more to me than sex.”

She pulled back slightly to meet my eyes. “I already know this is more for you. You don’t do relationships, or bring girls home to meet your brothers, and I’m guessing you don’t often volunteer or go out of your way
for a girl. You’ve already shown me with your actions what I mean to you. It’s time for both of us to be brave.”

I nodded. It was time to be brave. Grasping her hips, I walked her backwards to the bed and when the backs of her knees touched the edge of the mattress, she sat.

Wide blue eyes stared up at me as she waited, wondering what came next. Her gaze wandered lower, looking at the bulge in my boxer briefs.

“Do you want to touch me?”
I asked.

She swallowed and nodded, her head bobbing up and down.

The urge to watch her pretty mouth around my cock pulsed inside me, causing an almost unbearable pressure. Now that I knew McKenna’s intentions and desires, there would be no stopping now. We may not have sex tonight, but we were both ready for more. I nodded once, indicating that she could do what she wanted. McKenna hesitated, her hands twisting in her lap. I decided to play nice and help her out, tugging my boxer briefs down slowly. Her eyes locked onto my movements. My cock sprang free and she sucked in a shuddery breath. Using my right hand, I grasped my dick and stroked it slowly, showing her what I wanted her to do.

McKenna’s hands uncurled in her lap and she gingerly brought them to my stomach, lightly tracing my abdominal muscles. I remembered back to the first time she’d touched me. She’d been so curious
, yet so uncertain. It was an incredibly hot combination. With my heart pounding in my chest, I fought for patience, for self-control, when I was so used to exercising neither.

Soon, McKenna’s hands wandered lower as her bravery blossomed. Biting her bottom lip firmly between her teeth, she finally closed her fist around me and
a low growl escaped the back of my throat. Using both hands to stroke me up and down, McKenna did so slowly, as if savoring the feel of my cock in her hands. Her fingertips didn’t close around me and I watched in wonder as she worked me over, using her palms, her fingertips, to pleasure me. It was the slowest, most erotic handjob I’d ever received. My knees trembled and my stomach muscles were clenched tight.

Her hands continued rubbing my cock, one hand even venturing under to lightly cup my balls. I could let her do this all day, but something inside me wanted to push her just a little bit more. And I knew McKenna wanted that
, too. She wanted the full experience, to see my dominant side that I’d kept hidden from her.

“Get it wet,
” I said.

Her
eyes snapped up to meet mine, confusion evident between her brows. She glanced to the bedside table, then the dresser, looking for some type of lubricant. “I – I don’t have anything,” she murmured.