Where Did It All Go Right? (35 page)

Friday, 20 July

Rode to Nefyn garage with Dad to get his oil filter fixed. Went to Pwllheli for dinner. Had sams and crisps and cake. Also Melissa and I had Wimpys. I had a cheeseburger with tonz of onions. Mmmmm. Played cards and had scraps on the ropes with Si. Ace larf. Sent postcard to Kev. Bed = 10.00. Bought Paul Daniels Magic Cards.

Friday, 27 July

Went to Pwllheli in de morning. Went on penny arcade in fair. Lost all my pennies. So wot if I did, you twonk.
²⁰
Still hot. Went home. Left Wales at 3.15. Arrived home at 9.00. Not bad time. Great journey. No pukin’. Got
Smash Hits
at service station. Got poster of Sting; words to ‘Death Disco’, ‘Harmony in my Head’, ‘Here Comes the Summer’ and Boomtown Rats’ no. 1 ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’.

Wednesday, 1 August

Went up Nan and Pap Collins’ for dindins + tea. Lovely food:

Meat, potatoes, gooseberry pie = dins

Chips, bacon, egg, ice cream, cake = tea

Got some ointment and plasters for my toe. Went up town wiv Mum, Janice and Dean. Had a can of 7Up and got some Bubble Yum. Went to library. I got a vampire film book and various books about jellyfish, my latest in-subject. Saw
Cornynation St, Benny ’Ill
, documenstrual about video dating system. Bed = 10.00. Yes well.

Thursday, 2 August

This morning I went to Dr Costain (the chiropodist) about my ingrown toenail. I could tell you about the local anaesthetic he put in my toe, or the rubber tourniquet to stop the blood, or
how
he cut my toe when it waz numb, or how he sliced off the bit of excess flesh with a knife, or how he cut the jutting-out piece of nail, or how when he undid the tourniquet the blood gushed out, or how much dressing he piled onto my toe, or how swollen it waz or how it made me feel a bit ‘off’ after dinner. But I won’t.

Paul Bush came after lunch. We had a wander to the paper shop. Paul bought a couple of music papers.
Top of the Popz
. ‘Don’t Like Mundays’ no. 1. It’s a bit mediocre. Bed = 10.00. My toe is bin bleedin’ but Dr Costain dressed it with loads of stuff.

Friday, 3 August

I had my toe redressed wiv bandage, gauze and plasters. I could tell you how Dr (Simon) Costain plucked the bits of old gauze out of my toe wiv tweezers. Dat’s an ooch.

Dad took Si and me to pics to see
Porridge
. Ace crak film. Real glish.
²¹
Starrin’ Ron Barker, Rich Beckinsale etc. Grate! Also got Aug
Film Review
wiv
Arabian Adventure
(mediocre),
The Champ
(boring),
Fuck Rodgers
(weedy) etc. But it is an ace mag. I am a film fanatic. I love info on new films. Real spiny.

Saturday, 4 August

Got two singles at town. ‘Here Comes the Summer’ Undertones. ‘Hersham Boys’ Sham 69’s farewell single. They’re ace.

Up our house tonight we had Nan Mabel and Pap Reg’s Ruby Wedding party. Loads of people came including Dean. We all had a larf. Bit of dancing. Lods of records. Lods of drink. Lods of food. Fresh fruit salad, turkey, sossy rolls, cheesecake and a Ruby Wedding cake that was gorgeously tasty and glish.

At 12.15 me and Si (sneakily) watched
The Mummy
late nite horror film in our bedroom. Really ace, scary, good, spiny. Till 1.30. Starring Chris Lee, Pete Cushing. Real good.

Wednesday, 8 August

Today I had my ingrown toenail done at the chiropodist’s. It was a proper op. Dr Si Costain and his nurse and Dr Brenda Costain all wore masks, hats and hygiene gowns. I had a strip of nail cut out under local anesthetic (LA). I watched … I’ve kept the cut-off bit of nail. Not too much blood. Two injections. It was okay.

Nice tee at Nanz. Chips (tons) and bacon.

Sunday, 12 August

Alfred Hitchcock (my idol)’s birthday (80th), so on BBC
39 Steps
. Really good film, ever such a good plot. I missed
To Catch a Thief
but on TV at 11.00
Psycho
. I’m writing this at 10.30. Did me and Si watch it all? If so … any good?

Ace. Shower scene ace. Dead detective ace. Corpse of mother ace. Very tense. 10/10

Saturday, 15 September

Went to art skool. All de lads went eg. Louis, Paul, Freak, Tony etc. Did sketchin’. I went up Kev Bailey’s fo’ dinner. Saw Phil, Leigh, Martin, Matthew etc. We had salad. We rode all round Parklands. Plus: we went up Paul Freeman’s house.
²²
Kev gave me a Sex Pistols reflector badge. Itz ace. Plus: we had a loada gos avec Kev’s air rifle. Ace larf.

Saw
Wot’s Up Doc?
on TV. It was a king crak-up. Leeds drew 1–1 to Liverpool.

Tuesday, 2 October

Usual day at school. Phil’s birfday. Bit of homework. Bill Jeyes has had a skinhead.
²³
Saw
Last of the Summer Wine
. Thank you for inviting me into your home.

Friday, 5 October

Yes. Si Triculja has also had a skinhead.
²⁴
Mr Robbins has gived us more chemistry homework. So we’ve started R.A.R. Rock Against Robbins. Saw
Horse of the Year
on TV.

Sunday, 21 October

I’ve got an ulcer. Saw
Roots
(1913). Buggles are no. 1.

Tuesday, 30 October

Saw
Star Games, Grange Hill, Summer Wine
. Saw
Not the 9.00 News
. No homework. Jim Pursey’s radio show now 8.00–9.50, then J Peel. Listened to the end of Jim. Had Starjets, Members. John had The Damned (‘Love Song’ and ‘Machine Gun Etiquette’).

Sunday, 4 November

Roots
: Alex had married Nan and had two kids, Billy and Lydia, but they’ve left Alex at the end of the prog. Made two Damned badges.

Monday, 5 November

No h/w. Too sacred. Went to see
Coma
at Lings with Auntie Margaret
²⁵
(‘AA’ cert), starring Genevieve Bujold, Michael Douglas, Richard Widmark, Lois Chiles etc. Boy it waz an ace film. Good nasty bits eg. dead bodies in plastic bags in the freezer, maintenance man getting electrocuted, operations, autopsy, suspended bodies, great ‘AA’ stuff.

Saturday, 10 November

Got
Coma
soundtrack from record library. Leeds lost 3–0 at Coventry. Got the College fx 80 Casio calculator. It is 2 ace. £15.95. Sines, cosines, squares, brackets, cubes, memory,
inflatable
life raft etc. I also got the ‘Bodysnatchers’
Mad
mag. Got some new gloves.

Thursday, 15 November

Done me 60 yards. I am the Man From Atlantis.
TOTP
crap. Dr Hook no. 1 oh God. It’s so bo-o-o-oring. Saw
Futtock’s End
. Miss Bermuda is Miss World. Miss UK (Carolyn Seaward) 2nd.

Wednesday, 21 November

Went on careers trips. Our group went to Tootals clothes factory. Great larf. Old women on the machines etc. Me, Craig, Si and Lee = only boys in our group. We wandered round and nipped in the Cobblers for something to do.

Roy, Dad and me left at 5.20 for Wembley to see England v Bulgaria. Very foggy. So foggy in fact the match was postponed. We found out just as we got there. Drove all the way back. The match is supposed to be tomorrow instead. Will we go?

Thursday, 22 November

England v Bulgaria with Dad and Roy in Roy’s car. Ace match. We won it 2–0. Dave Watson (1st half), Glenn Hoddle (2nd half). We were in the stands at the very front behind the safety barrier. Team:

Ace atmosphere at Wembley. Great inside. Got rosette and two programmes. Great goal by Hoddle. There’s only one team in Eur-ope.

Saturday, 8 December

Got my photoz back. Went Christmas chopin (shoppin’). Got torch and two badges for Si,
How Green Was My Valley
for Nan M,
Boys From Brazil
for Pap C, Catherine Cookson book for Nan C. whisky liqueurs for Pap R,
²⁶
tights for Mum. Plus a ‘Coronation St’
Mad
mag for me. And a Sex Pistols badge. Rather ace. Good day’s chopin I think. I’ve rap’d up all my prezzies. Leeds drew 1–1 to Man U (wankers). Connor scored.

Tuesday, 11 December

Disco at school. What an ace disco. Me and Andy Howkins went as Undertones eg. rolled up jeans and DM boots. Loads of other punks eg. Paul Freeman, Si, Mark etc. Went wiv Craig McKenna and left me bike up his house. About five punk records eg. Tourists,
²⁷
Sham, Skids and more. And Si and me wore our Harrington jackets inside out ie. tartan. Loads of mods up there. Madness etc. Few smoochy records at the end. And I had a smooch avec Cindy Offord. I had my hands full. Aaaaaahhhhhh. I’m in a trance now. O Cindy.
²⁸

Thursday, 13 December

Still secretly (nearly) in love with Cindy. Because of an ace design for a Xmas card I did for Mervyn at Dad’s work he gave me a
little
reward. They’ve printed out loads of cards for all their clients and I got one and a £5 record voucher (spend it on Sat).

Had wanky hard Maths 1 exam. Put up my Sham poster. Had all 4th year cross-country. It was rather longue to say the least. I came 128th out of 180 boys. I am so nackered. Uncle Brian baby-sitted. Did two posters for the school bookshop. Wagged swimmin’.
²⁹

Sunday, 16 December

Went up both Nans. Chemistry revision. Saw
EBC1
. Must see Cindy tomorrow. Ask her out?

Thursday, 20 December

Got 65% in art. Got 63% in French. And considerably less in maths. Saw
TOTP
avec Skids record of whom I bought on November 16. You see I know a good thing when I first hear it. And
Blinkety Wank
and
Dawson Watch
.

Scored three goals in water polo for our team in swimmin’. Drew teachers on the blackboard in French.
³⁰
Must ask Cindy out tomorrow. Please. I
must
.

Friday, 21 December

Got a Christmas card from Cindy, that beautiful girl I asked out today. Yes I actually asked her to go out wiv me. She wants time to think about it,
³¹
so she will tell me when she next sees me. Soon I hope.

My other secret passion along with Cindy is sugared dates. They are as lovely as Cindy. I had a whole bowlful tonight. They were delicious. Got Christmas
NME
. It’s really ace.

Last day of term. Left school at 3.00. Craig came round tonight. We listened to the Dickies album. He lent me ‘Pretty Vacant’ and ‘Ever Fallen in Love’ by Pistols and Buzzcocks. It snowed. Not really fluffy. Enuff to settle and freeze. Got 83% biology and 73% chemistry.

I really did ask Cindy out. Got cards from Cindy, Wally, Si, Glen, Pete. They won the dustbin on
3-2-1
. Ace, magic, at last.

Tuesday, 25 December

Grate Christmas Day. My presents: super quality bristle dart board, Leeds dart flights,
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
LP,
Life of Brian
book, book of the film of
Alien
, desk tidy, 24 quality pencils, new page-a-day diary, giant drawing pad, Jasper Carrott book, book of graffiti, Skids badge, Undertones badge, Radio 1 diary, complicated game, dart sharpener, squash ball, bike clips, comb, ace Undertones t-shirt, pencil sharpener,
2nd Clapperboard Quiz Book
, £4.50 in vouchers, Matchmakers, Dymo label printer.
³²
Everybody came today.

1
. Peter Day was a friend of Simon’s. Odd cove. He claimed (on this very day) to have whittled a stick of wood using what was clearly a butter knife. Simon expressed disbelief, so Peter set about trying to cut his finger with said knife to prove how sharp it was. We fetched his mum.

2
. Punk has not yet arrived.

3
. Nene College of Further Education adjoined Weston Favell Upper School by the playing fields.

4
. Oh yeah, be impressed, we did actual bricklaying in building craft. And wallpapering. Girls did it too, naturally. This was very much the modern world.

5
. This didn’t last long. What was I thinking? Swot.

6
. I include this only because it is so very awful. I’m aware that much of the boyish charm has now trickled away and my diaries exhibit a teenage smugness that can irritate, but hey, as Bruce Hornsby would later observe, that’s just the way it is. The
Goodies
books and
Monty Python
have a lot to answer for, stylistically.

7
. A true rite of passage from the pre-video age: your first ‘AA’ certificate film, aged 14.
Animal House
did not let me down, boasting three scenes with bare breasts in. I’d seen my dad’s
Mayfair
ladies, but you can’t beat moving pictures.

8
. The denial begins.

9
. Not in a picture sleeve. So I stuck ransom-note lettering on it. I was that
Blue Peter
punk.

10
That career in film criticism moves ever closer.

11
A rare glimpse of the outside world from my diary here. Perhaps even through the thick fug of self-absorbed teen angst I sensed that something momentous was happening when Mrs Thatcher entered Downing Street and promised to bring harmony where there was discord.