Where the Memories Lie (35 page)

brain riddled with dark thoughts. One minute I decided I should

go to the police and let them handle it. I wasn’t equipped to deal

with another murder investigation. It wasn’t my responsibility to

shoulder this. If Ethan or Chris were involved, they had to pay

the price. That was the law. It was what I would’ve believed before any of this happened. When Anna was asking me before about her

death row project, I was adamant that people should be punished

for their actions. If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime, and all that. But the next minute, I thought about Anna and what

this would do to her. The long-term effects of having a father in

prison. She wouldn’t just be labelled as the granddaughter of a killer 264

Where the Memories Lie

anymore: she’d jump up a branch on the murdering family tree

stakes. Didn’t I have a duty to shield her from harm? Could I take

the risk of possibly ripping Ethan away from her and destroying her world? How could I be the one to break up the family? It would

mean the end of everything we had left. Our lives would slide down

a slippery slope into a black chasm. I’d always believed in the truth.

Believed in being honest and not telling lies. But was that always

best for everyone? It was my fault that our family was being eaten

up from the inside out. I’d wrecked everything. If I’d kept quiet,

none of this would’ve happened. How could I be the one respon-

sible for causing further damage and hurting Anna so badly?

Anna let out a wavering sigh and her eyelids fluttered as if

she was dreaming. I hoped it was a nice dream, rather than the

nightmare reality closing in on me in the darkness.

I slipped out of bed and went downstairs. Sitting at the kitchen

table, I sipped whisky, trying to think and trying not to think simul-taneously. As the darkness crept slowly into dawn and the start of

another summer’s day, I still didn’t have a clue what to do next.

When Anna woke a few hours later, she found me in the same posi-

tion, feet perched on the edge of the chair, arms wrapped around

myself, resting my chin on my knees and staring out into the woods

beyond the barn.

‘Hey, sweetheart.’ I put my legs down and stretched, stiff from

being in the same position for so long. ‘Sleep all right?’

‘Yeah.’ She shrugged, looking sad.

‘What do you want to do today?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t really want to go out anywhere in the

village where people are going to see us. But I’m sick of being stuck indoors all the time.’

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‘Why don’t we drive out to Swanage? Let’s take a picnic and sit

on the beach, just the two of us. And Poppy.’

Poppy’s ears pricked up from the corner of the room where she

was curled in her doggy bed. Her tail swished from side to side on

the floor.

‘OK. When does Charlotte get the results of her bone marrow

biopsy?’

‘Hopefully soon.’

‘That’s horrible, isn’t it, all the waiting?’

‘Well, maybe she’ll be up to seeing us in the meantime and we

can try to take her mind off it.’

She nodded. ‘Is Dad at work?’

‘He’s in York. Not sure when he’ll be back.’ I stood and turned

away from her. ‘Now, what do you fancy for breakfast?’

‘The car boot sale at school is on Sunday, and I’ve decided not to do it, after all,’ Anna said as we got into the car.

‘Right,’ I said, doing up my seatbelt.

‘I don’t really want to see any of the people from school

there. Some of them live in the village, and they’ll know what

Granddad did.’

‘We still don’t know what . . . Granddad did, sweetheart.’

I angled myself to face her. ‘But you can’t hide forever. When

you go back to school next term, some people will know. There’s

no getting around that, and sometimes you just have to face

your fears. Sometimes the fear of doing something is worse than

actually doing it.’ I reached out and rested a palm on her cheek.

‘But what you have to remember always is that you haven’t done

anything wrong. What . . . um . . . Granddad did is nothing to do

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Where the Memories Lie

with you. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s actions except

your own.’

And that’s when it hit me. Katie’s death was not our responsi-

bility to take on and bury and keep in shame. These were not our

lies to keep secret. Ethan or Chris or Tom had killed Katie. We

shouldn’t all be defined by the actions of others. It wasn’t us who had murdered her. No matter what it would do to Anna and the rest

of the family, and to me, I had a duty to let the police know what I’d found out about the necklace, and that’s exactly what I’d do, even if it was going to rip our family into even smaller shreds. It wasn’t up to me to be judge and jury alone. I wanted someone else to make

the decisions for me.

I was jarred from thoughts burning a hole in my brain by

Anna’s voice.

‘Mum, you’re not listening, are you?’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I said, maybe you’re right. If Charlotte can beat leukaemia,

I can beat the gossip. They’re only words, anyway, aren’t they? And I still really want to raise money for the animal charity. I want to feel like I’m doing something to help.’

I leaned over and held her close to me. My beautiful, clever,

strong, brave girl. I knew then that we’d get through this together.

Whatever happened, we’d survive. Eventually.

As I pulled back my phone rang.

I glanced at the screen and then at Anna. ‘It’s Aunty Nadia.’

Anna bit her lip and clutched my hand.

‘What happened? Have you got the results?’ I asked breathlessly

‘Yes. The doctor was right. Charlotte has acute lymphoblastic

leukaemia.’

So that was it. It was official. Any little ray of hope was now

obliterated.

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‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, knowing those words were totally inad-

equate but wanting to say them, anyway.

‘Charlotte is being quite brave about the whole thing. She hasn’t

even cried once today, which is a marked improvement. She’s asking

to see Anna. Are you guys free to come round?’

The beach would have to wait until another day. This was much

more important. ‘You bet.’

‘I called Ethan but he said he’s busy in meetings all day and he

won’t get back until later.’

‘Yeah,’ I mumbled.

‘I’m worried about him. He’s taking all this really badly. I’ve

never known him to be so . . . well, broody and silent.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Are you two all right?’

‘Um . . .’ A lump formed in my throat. I glanced out of the

window, away from Anna so she wouldn’t notice me blinking

rapidly. ‘How are you and Lucas holding up?’ I went for a complete

change of direction instead.

‘He’s been amazing. Really supportive and loving. This is going

to sound really strange but I think it will actually bring us closer together. It’s bizarre that a tragedy can heal some things, isn’t it?

I think he’s broken it off with that woman at work.’

‘Really?’ I glanced at Anna, not wanting to say too much on my

end because she’d hear. ‘That’s great. But how do you know?’

‘He hasn’t been getting any of the unusual texts on his phone.’

‘Well, I hope that’s the end of it, then.’

‘It is. I’m positive it is. You’re staying for dinner, OK?’ Nadia

insisted.

‘Are you sure that’s not extra work?’

‘When has my family ever been extra work? Besides, it’ll give

me something to do.’

‘OK, but I’ll help while Anna keeps Charlotte occupied.’

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I drove with Anna chatting on about how she was going to take

Charlotte’s mind off things by playing Conspiracy Clubs, whatever

that was. I wasn’t really listening. All I could think of was what I was going to say to DI Spencer about the necklace when I got a minute

alone, rehearsing the lines silently in my head. Nothing sounded

right. It all sounded wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.

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Chapter Thirty-One

Mum, you have to go into the garage for me,’ Anna said

the next morning after we’d taken Poppy out for a long

walk through the woods. She’d rolled in fox’s poo and

absolutely reeked − Poppy, not Anna. I had no option but to give

her a bath, which she hated, and usually ended up with me wearing

more water than her. I really was not in the mood for it. In fact, the only thing I was in the mood for was repeatedly banging my head

against a wall, or screaming at the top of my lungs in the garden,

or curling up into a ball and crying for weeks, but I was desperately trying to hold it all together for Anna’s sake.

‘Why?’ I said, struggling to lift a heavy Poppy into the bath.

Seeing that gaping hole in the ground again, Katie’s grave, was more than I could handle today. I had barely enough courage to call DI

Spencer as soon as my little Klingon gave me some privacy, let alone see that again.

She sat on the edge of the bath, waving a hand under her nose.

‘She stinks. Gross.’

Poppy struggled to get out of the bath but her legs just slipped on the enamel and the water splashed up, soaking my arms and chest.

‘Ew!’ Anna jumped back and stood in the doorway.

Where the Memories Lie

‘If you want to roll in crap, then take the consequences,’

I said firmly to Poppy, who wouldn’t take a blind bit of notice.

She’d do it again as soon as she could. ‘What do you want in

the garage?’ I sighed. ‘I really don’t want to go in there at the

moment.’

‘I’ve decided I’m definitely going to do the car boot sale, after

all. If I don’t do what I can to raise money then I’ll feel like I’m being selfish and childish about the whole thing.’

‘Well, having principles and sticking to them is a mark of grow-

ing up, so I’m very proud of you.’ I gave her an encouraging smile as I lathered Poppy up with some doggy shampoo that smelled of . . .

well, the label said honey, but it was really more like mouldy sprouts and something synthetic.

‘So I want to go through the stuff I’ve already collected. You

know, you told me to put the box in the garage, so I did.’

I rolled my eyes at her. Typical. The one time I wished she

hadn’t taken any notice of me and she bloody well had. I sighed

again. ‘Where did you put it in there?’

‘On one of the shelves.’

‘All right,’ I said reluctantly.

Half an hour later, with a pissed-off wet dog, a pissed-off wet

me and a tension headache boring behind my right eye, I con-

fronted my own fears and went back into the garage. If I was going

to talk the talk to my daughter about being brave, then I had to live by my own rules. Otherwise I was a hypocrite, and that idea didn’t

sit well with me. I might be a lot of things, but I didn’t ever want to be one of those.

I spied the box on the first shelf and heaved it down. God, it

was heavy. How had Anna managed to lift it up there by herself ?

After closing the door again firmly, I prayed this was the last

time I’d ever have to go back in there. When we sold the barn, I’d

just employ a moving company to come in and pack everything up.

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I dumped the box on the island in the kitchen and called Anna.

She came in and sat down on one of the stools while I made a

cup of chamomile tea to stop my hands shaking with, well, with

a culmination of everything, really.

Anna pulled out two table tennis bats. ‘I got these off Chris.’

I picked one up, a sudden memory of him and Ethan playing

it together. ‘Yeah, he had a craze on ping pong for a while. Used to try and rope us all into playing. Granddad set up a table in the back garden one summer. It’s still in the garage, actually. Oh, where did you get that from?’ I picked up an ornately carved elephant in dark wood. Inside its belly you could see a baby elephant.

‘Nadia. She had loads of stuff in a box in the loft I went through.

She said I could have whatever.’

‘She must’ve got it when they went on safari for their

honeymoon.’

‘What’s that?’ I lifted out an old vinyl record of
Complete

Madness
by Madness. It must’ve belonged to Lucas. He used to love them. Despite everything, I felt a smile overtake me, remembering us all dancing at Nadia and Lucas’s house one day before the

girls came along and we got a bit more sensible. All of us had arms and legs waving around, jumping up and down, Madness-style, and

pogoing everywhere. I think Ethan actually got a black eye from

Lucas’s elbow, and I accidentally smashed one of Nadia’s favourite

glass vases that was a wedding present from a friend.

‘What’s funny?’ Anna asked.

‘Just us lot, being mad.’ Would we ever have the chance to

laugh and be crazy together again? Or would Ethan or Chris be

locked up in a prison cell for the rest of their life?

I put it back then picked up another magic wooden box,

smaller than the one Tom had made for Eve. It was made out

of pine and had
21
carved into the top with flowers around it.

I remembered Tom giving it to Nadia for her twenty-first birthday.

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Where the Memories Lie

‘Did you ask Nadia if she wanted to keep this? Granddad made