Where You Least Expect It (12 page)

It seemed like ages since they’d hung out and Matt, well fuck, he just missed Christian. Missed the sex, but missed the just hanging out and bullshitting, too. Christian had started to become a good friend.

Of course, he’d never exactly missed Sam like this. Then again, he’d never been attracted to Sam.

Shuddering slightly at that thought, Matt opened his book, keeping half an eye on the time so that he didn’t miss Christian. He looked up about forty minutes later and saw Christian walking out the far door. He got up and followed, annoyed at being intentionally ignored.

“Christian!” He saw Christian tense before spinning around.

“What?”

“I thought I could give you a ride home.” He frowned, confusion warring with anger at Christian’s response.

Christian shrugged, arms folded across his chest. “You don’t have to.”

Wow, Christian could do pissed off extremely well, Matt noted.

“I know.” Anger won out. “Forget it.” Matt started to leave but Christian called out and stopped him.

“Wait. I’m sorry.” Christian seemed to deflate. “Can you really give me a ride?”

Matt sighed. Fuck, he hated shit like this. “Yeah, come on.”

Christian nodded silently and started walking with him.

They were on the road before Matt bothered to try and break the silence. “Do you want to get some food?”

“Which part of ‘I have to study’ don’t you understand? Look, I get that you didn’t go to college, but I can’t just coast by and I’ve wasted a bunch of time not studying.”

Matt clenched his jaw and counted to ten. That was definitely not the response he was expecting to his peace offering. “Fine, forget I asked. Christ, you still need to eat, don’t you?”

“I can eat while I study. It’s not like I can afford to eat out all the time, anyway.”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“What’s my problem? Jesus, Matt, how oblivious are you? We’ve been fucking around for weeks, I spend more time with you than anyone else, and you don’t have a clue when my finals are. You’ve never even asked for my phone number, but you show up at work and expect me to be able to just rearrange my schedule and do whatever the hell you want.”

“That’s bullshit, Christian. I never forced you to do anything. You don’t want to hang out, fine.”

“I didn’t say that. All I said is that it would be nice if you had a fucking clue about me.”

“Shit, do you think I know Sam’s fucking schedule? No, I call him, he calls me, we hang out if we’re free. What the hell do you expect?”

“Oh, so you’re sleeping with Sam, too? You’ve got me all fucking compartmentalized. You hardly even talk to me in public unless you’re buying coffee.”

Matt almost stopped the car. Instead, he kept driving. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Is it? You want to know what I think?” Christian didn’t wait for an answer. “I think you’re so freaked out by the fact that you’re fucking around with a guy that you’re trying to hide from everything. I think you’re afraid that someone might notice you’re hanging around with a fag and it might hurt your fucking image.”

Matt didn’t say anything; he had no response to that. Matt couldn’t say for certain that Christian was that far off base; after all, Matt was putting a lot of energy into keeping Christian separate from the rest of his life. He pulled up in front of Christian’s apartment complex a few minutes later.

“Matt.”

Matt was done listening and he refused to be forced into a conversation about whatever it was they were doing. Shit, this was exactly why he tried to avoid relationships. He needed some distance before he said something he’d really regret. “Get out.”

“Matt.” Christian tried again, sounding almost contrite.

“Get the fuck out of my truck, Christian. You’re right, I don’t know your God dammed schedule and I don’t know your phone number, and I don’t really fucking want to.” Well, so much for keeping his mouth shut.

“Fuck you.” Christian got out of the truck. “Open the fucking tailgate so I can get my bike.”

Matt popped the gate and pulled out as soon as Christian slammed it shut again.

He drove home, having to focus hard on the driving. He hated being this pissed off, and he hated driving when he was pissed.

He made it home without getting anyone killed and stormed into his apartment, slamming the door behind him. Hanging his coat up, he continued into the kitchen in search of a beer.

What the fuck was that about, anyway? All he did was ask Christian if he wanted to get dinner and suddenly he was the inconsiderate bad guy. God damn it.

***

Alison stopped by Matt’s desk Monday afternoon and leaned against his cube. “I need some coffee. Want to take a walk?”

Matt leaned back in his chair. “I don’t know, I’m pretty busy. Rain check?”

“Oh, come on. It’ll only be fifteen minutes. You can chat with Christian and I can get my caffeine fix.”

Matt startled at Christian’s name, but tried to hide it. “I don’t even know if he’s working.”

“Huh. I thought you were driving him home on a regular basis?”

Matt shrugged. “When I run into him in the parking lot sometimes. It’s not like we’re carpooling.”

“Well, whatever. Come get coffee with me. We can talk about the database conversion and call it an off-site meeting.”

Knowing that arguing was pointless, Matt turned off his computer screen and followed Alison, keeping the conversation focused on work topics.

Christian was behind the counter, but was apparently still angry at Matt, rebuffing his attempts at small talk but chatting easily with Alison. Christian’s slight wasn’t lost on either of them; Matt hoped Alison wouldn’t mention it.

No such luck. “He didn’t seem very happy to see you,” she commented.

Matt shrugged. “He got pissed at me because I didn’t know his finals schedule.”

Alison looked at him, frowning. “Really? That seems kind of random.”

Matt sighed, trying to explain without giving too many details. “I was here for coffee and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner. He got all pissed because he’s got finals and apparently I’m supposed to be a mind reader.”

“Huh.” Matt hated when she said that; he knew it meant she didn’t really believe him. “Did he not tell you his schedule?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. What difference does it make?”

Alison gave him her patented “poor clueless Matt” look and shook her head. “Matty, honey. I know you could give a damn about whether or not I know what nights you go to the gym and what sports shows you schedule your time around, but most people do actually care about things like that.” Alison continued over Matt’s attempt to respond. “And don’t give me that ‘I don’t know anyone’s schedule’ crap, because we both know that’s not true. You’re fine with it as long as it’s me and Sam because you trust us, but you won’t find other people to trust unless you put a little something out there in exchange.”

“Put something out there? Al, he’s a guy I give a ride to occasionally.” Matt defended himself even as he wondered if Alison suspected his relationship with Christian went beyond the occasional ride home; he quickly pushed the thought aside. “Besides, how am I supposed to guess what’s important to people?”

“It’s not that difficult, Matt. If you claim to be friends with someone but show no real interest in their life, you’re not going to have a very long friendship. Look, I’m not trying to lecture you, but you’re always a little clueless when people get pissed at you and you need to get over that.”

Matt begrudgingly agreed, feeling like he was being scolded for being immature. “Katie did say I could be an insensitive asshole.” Leave it to Alison to point out his flaws.

“So, are you going to apologize?” Alison stopped outside the door to their building.

Matt was almost convinced that Alison knew he and Christian were maybe more than just friends. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but she didn’t seem to be judging him — not for that, anyway. “Maybe,” he finally conceded.

Alison looked like she wanted to say more, but changed the conversation back to their project as they entered the building.

Maybe Christian did have reason to be angry with him; maybe he was being insensitive and inconsiderate. And maybe it was weird that they were spending so much time together — much of it naked — and they hadn’t exchanged phone numbers or emails.

Matt spent a lot of time over the next few days thinking about what Alison had said and tried to sort out his feelings about Christian, about their relationship, about himself. He suddenly felt like he was at a crossroads and the options were moving forward or staying stuck. His liked his life before he met Christian just fine; now, though, considering staying on that path, he wondered how he’d feel years from now. Would he still be content or would he just be alone and grumpy?

Of course, once he had decided to talk to Christian the next chance he got, work refused to cooperate; it was Friday by the time Matt managed to leave work on time and catch Christian at the end of his shift.

Matt only had to wait a minute or two before Christian came out of the café. Matt watched the conflicting emotions cross Christian’s features when he saw Matt — surprise, caution, settling on a wary smile.

Matt shoved his hands in his pockets as Christian crossed the short distance between them.

“Hi, Matt.”

“Hi. I. Um.” Matt’s carefully prepared words flew from his mind in the face of his nervousness. He tried again. “I was wondering if we could talk.”

Christian’s eyebrows shot up. “Talk?” He turned away from Matt and unlocked his bike. “I don’t know.” He paid great attention to coiling the lock around the bar and securing it in place.

Matt ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m really not good at this. I want to talk about what you said last week. If you have time. We don’t have to do it now.” Shit. Matt felt himself on the verge of babbling and clenched his jaw to keep more words from spilling out.

Christian looked at him for a long moment, seeming to assess him before agreeing. “Yeah, okay. I don’t have any plans, anyway.”

Matt’s jaw unclenched and he let out an audible breath of relief. “Cool. I can drive.”

Christian nodded, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Okay.”

Matt was unaccountably nervous waiting for Christian to put his bike in the truck and buckle himself into the passenger seat.

Matt stopped and turned before pulling out of the spot, reminding himself that assuming where they stood with each other was what got him into this predicament in the first place. “Is it okay if we go to my place? Or would you rather go somewhere else?”

Christian shook his head. “No, your place is fine.”

They rode in silence; Christian’s uncharacteristic stillness letting Matt know the other man was as tense as he was.

“So. How were your exams?” Matt grabbed on the first semi-neutral topic he could think of to cut through the awkwardness.

Christian made a pained sound and dropped his head against the seat dramatically. “Horrible. Long. I had writer’s cramp by the end.”

“Oh. So does that mean you didn’t do as well as you wanted?” Matt hated to think that Christian did poorly, especially if he was to blame somehow.

Christian rolled his head to face Matt. “I said they were horrible, I didn’t say I did badly. Probably a couple of As and a B. All of my papers are done, too, so now I just have to wait a couple of weeks for grades to come out.”

“Cool.” Matt didn’t know what to say next and Christian didn’t offer any helpful conversation starters.

The rest of the drive passed in awkward silence.

Once inside Matt’s condo, Christian made it obvious Matt needed to make the first move.

Matt took a deep breath. “Um. I guess. Shit. Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m okay, but I’ll take a beer if you have any.”

Matt almost laughed from nerves. “I think I can manage that.”

When Matt came back from the kitchen, Christian was still standing where he had been, eyes flicking between Matt, the entertainment center, and the floor.

Matt gestured toward the couch. “You can sit.”

Christian blushed. “Okay. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I know this is weird.”

Matt handed one of the bottles to Christian and sat next to him. Matt took a swallow and watched Christian pick at his beer label.

“So. I don’t really know where to start.”

Christian settled more comfortably on the couch. “It’s okay. Just — start.”

Matt took a deep breath. “Were you really pissed or were you just stressed about your exams and looking for somewhere to take it out?”

“Does it matter?”

It was a fair question. “I don’t know. Probably not. I still want to say some stuff, so I guess not.”

Christian stared at his beer bottle, seeming to gather his thoughts before speaking. “I… didn’t realize I was angry until I started talking. I wanted to get in touch with you on Saturday but I didn’t know how you would react if I showed up on your doorstep. So when you came in on Sunday, it just really annoyed me that you could do that, and when you asked about my exams, it really pissed me off that you didn’t know a damn thing about what was going on. And I know we never talked about having any kind of relationship or whatever, we never had any pretenses of being more than casual fuck buddies. I don’t really have any right to be pissed.”

Christian stopped and looked back down at his beer and shrugged. “So, I bitched at you and I shouldn’t have.”

Matt took another drink. “I don’t know about that. Like I said, I’m not good at this, but it’s shitty of me to consider us friends but not know what’s important to you.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to refocus on what he had brought Christian here to talk about in the first place.

“Why the sudden change?” Christian asked.

Matt was relieved that Christian seemed genuinely curious. “Alison lectured me about being a shitty friend after we left the coffee shop on Monday.”

Christian was silent for a while. He finally looked back up at Matt. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Matt nodded. Maybe that would make it easier.

Clearly hesitant, Christian wrinkled his brow. “Is it just because you’re fooling around with me?”