Whirl (Ondine Quartet Book 1) (29 page)

Realization slammed into me.

"You don't know, either." It came out in a
bare, husky whisper.

"Know what?"

"Who you really are," I said. My voice became
stronger, surer. "Are you a gardinel or a prince? You were forced
to accept responsibility and duty for your kingdom. You never asked
for it or wanted it. And sometimes…sometimes, you don't know what
you need to do or if you can even do it. You want to break free.
You want to stop feeling so alone."

"I've accepted my life." His voice was harsh.
"I know what I need to do."

"No, you don't," I said simply.

He stared at me, his eyes dark and hungry
now. They swept over my face in that way I loved. And his smell, oh
God, he smelled of everything clean, and right, and masculine.

He kissed me.

It was soft and gentle at first. But then it
turned deep and hard and urgent, filled with an intensity that made
my insides burn.

I melted into him, into the feel of his mouth
against mine. He released my wrists and his hand slid around the
back of my neck, his long fingers twining into my hair. Pressing
himself against me, his other hand slowly slid up the side of my
body, caressing the back of my thigh, hip, and ribs, before tracing
the outer curve of my breast.

His touch was like fire, sending waves of
heat coursing through me. I wrapped my arms around his neck,
running my fingers through his silky hair. I couldn't get close
enough. We clung to each other, the water swirling around us like
an additional caress.

The kiss was beyond anything I could ever
have imagined—passionate, angry, exhilarating, and filled with so
much longing. His taste was intoxicating, like salt and sea and
everything in the world. It was like the feeling of being drunk,
except I was drunk on him.

All control was gone. All thoughts about what
I had to do, what I should do, pulled away like an undertow…

Tristan broke it off, abruptly pulling away
and leaving a wider space between our bodies. My arms fell from his
neck. His breathing was labored and I knew his heart pounded as
fast as mine.

He stared at me for a long moment, his
expression deeply shaken.

"This was a mistake," he finally said, his
voice tight.

Bitter pain lanced through me.

"Sorry about that,
Your Highness
," I
retorted.

His mouth tightened.

Closing his eyes, he swore under his breath.
Then he got up and walked away.

TWENTY-ONE

I didn't see Tristan for several days
and it was obvious he was avoiding me. It was all because of that
damned kiss. A part of me didn't regret it, because
wow
. It
was the most intense and powerful thing I'd ever experienced. I'd
imagined it for so long, and God knew how much I'd wanted it.

What I regretted was the way it happened. I'd
been so angry, so frustrated. It'd come from the dark, shadowy part
of me that always wanted to push the boundaries. And I'd ended up
shoving Tristan into a situation I shouldn't have. There was a huge
divide between my life and his. By kissing him, I crossed the line
that separated the two.

But the most troubling part of it all was the
yearning the kiss had awoken in me. For those few moments, Tristan
had somehow made me feel both safe and desired. Like I was the
sexiest, most beautiful person in the world, and he needed me. It
was an illusion, of course. He'd clearly pointed out that it was a
mistake and had no intention of making it again.

I'd thought kissing him would get him out of
my system and put an end to my crushing and indecent fantasizing.
Instead, it'd left me with the dangerous feeling of wanting
more.

The guy was like a freaking magnet, and the
harder I resisted, the more he drew me in. I had to end this
infatuation before it completely screwed up my life and made me
look more childish and foolish than I already felt.

Ryder caught up with me as I left my last
class at the end of the week.

"Hey, gorgeous. You want to hang out
tonight?" he asked with his usual grin, though there was the hint
of hesitation in his eyes. "A bunch of us are getting
together."

He was expecting me to turn him down, just as
I had every day for the past two weeks. He'd taken my recent
withdrawal from him in the same good-natured way he handled
everything, but I saw the disappointment in his eyes. It
sucked.

I shook my head. "Can't. I have too many
things I need to do."

"C'mon, Kendra. It's Friday." He nudged me
playfully with his shoulder. "Even the
sondaleur
gets a
night off."

Ryder was tempting to me right now. Really
tempting, given the irritation I felt over Tristan. It would be so
easy to hang out with him for a night, flirting and basking in his
adoration.

But it wouldn't be fair. And I hadn't
forgotten that doing things like that with people could get them
killed.

"Nah. I'm not really up for it." I avoided
looking at him.

"Hey, you okay?" He stopped, watching me
carefully. "You've been acting…I don't know. Different. Thought it
was all this stuff with the chevaliers and everything, but is there
something else going on?"

"I'm fine," I said, a bit harder than I
should. "I can take care of myself. I just have a lot on my plate
right now."

"I'm worried about you. Everyone is. You've
been pulling away, and driving yourself —"

"That's not my problem," I snapped. "I didn't
ask you to worry about me."

His face reddened slightly. "I just want to
help. If you need — "

God. This was like the scene with Dylan all
over again.

I gave a harsh laugh. "I don't need help. I'm
the
sondaleur
, remember? You couldn't help me if you
tried."

It was bitchy and mean. It was also untrue.
Ryder had helped me. He'd taken me to his recruit classes and
practiced sparring with me. I regretted what I said as soon as I
saw the look in his eyes. But the words were already out there,
hanging in the air between us.

"You don't have to do everything by yourself
all the time, Kendra," he said stiffly, taking a step away from me.
"We may not all be like you, but we're not weak, either. And we're
not all completely useless, despite what you think."

"Ry —"

But he stalked off, anger and hurt blazing on
his usually easygoing face. I stood in the middle of the Quad, his
words ringing through me.

Did I think they were weak and helpless? I
just wanted to take care of my own problems without involving
anyone else. But I still felt uncomfortable. Ryder's statement
pointed at something within me I didn't want to see.

Maybe deep, deep inside me I
did
think
they were weak, that their relationships and emotional closeness
made them vulnerable.

Or maybe you're jealous
, a voice
whispered in my head.
Jealous that they have things you'll never
have
.

The conversation with Ryder left me
exhausted. Self-doubt and guilt ate away at me. Maybe I really was
incapable of dealing with people. After all, I'd been unnecessarily
cruel to one of the nicest guys I'd ever met.

I spent the rest of the day sulking in my
room and didn't bother to eat dinner. Avoiding Ryder and the others
was probably the main reason, but I convinced myself it was because
I wasn't hungry.

It was impossible for me to think about magic
or training, and I decided not to go to the mat room tonight. I
felt god-awful, my concentration was shot, and it would end up
being unproductive.

Just after curfew, there was a soft knock at
the door. I was in the process of painting my toe nails so I
wobbled across the room, balancing on my heels.

It was Chloe and Aubrey.

"What's going on?" I asked, shutting the door
behind them.

Chloe faced me with her hands on her hips
while Aubrey leaned against my wardrobe. They both looked
frighteningly determined.

"We're here to kidnap you," Chloe
announced.

"I see. Can you wait until my polish dries
before you tie me up and gag me?"

"We're serious, Kendra," Aubrey said. "If you
weren't here, we were planning on going to the Training Center and
dragging your ass out of that sweaty mat room."

"You're coming with us to a party. You need
to have a night off." Chloe's voice was stern. "You've been pushing
yourself too hard."

Aubrey nodded. "You look like shit."

"Thanks. I try."

"Look." Chloe placed a gentle hand on my arm.
"You don't have to talk to anyone or do anything. Just sit and
enjoy yourself. You could use a few hours of laughter and a little
time to unwind. You need it."

"No, I don't," I grumbled.

"Yes, you do." Aubrey's eyes flashed. "And
don't give us crap over it. You're coming with us, even if we have
to get several recruits over here to smack you into listening."

I masked a smile behind an exaggerated sigh.
"So I guess you're leaving me with no choice?"

"Of course," Chloe huffed. "That's why it's
called a kidnapping."

By the time we got to the beach, the fire was
blazing and the party was in full swing. There were about two dozen
students there, and other than Chloe, Aubrey, and I, none of them
were Redavi. The others were either recruits or "regular"
ondines.

Ryder wasn't there, and even though some
cowardly part of me was relieved, I couldn't help wondering if he
was avoiding me, too. A mix of guilt and loneliness washed over me,
and I consoled myself by thinking that it was going to happen
sooner or later, anyway.

Suck it up, Kendra.

I sat next to Chloe, who curled up beside
Cam. The two were still in the rosy new stages of a relationship,
full of hand holding, flirty looks, and lots of kissing. Jealousy
prickled and I averted my eyes.

Alex passed me a plastic cup. I sipped
tentatively at first, unsure of what he'd given me. A lazy grin
spread on his face and Cam sniggered. Vodka mixed with grapefruit
juice. A little tart, but it suited my mood.

Whoever had planned the party had done a good
job. There was more than enough food and alcohol to go around and
the scent of weed and cigarettes drifted through the air. Someone
had brought a portable iPod stereo system, though the volume was
kept low to prevent attracting too much unwanted attention. The
beach was secluded, but it was still within school boundaries.

"Has anyone seen Ryder?" Aubrey asked. "After
we put all this together…I thought he'd be here by now."

"This is your party?" I'd assumed it was
someone else's.

"Ryder and the girls put it together," Cam
answered. He rolled his eyes. "Anything for the
sondaleur
."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ry wanted to surprise you. Again." Aubrey
smiled. "Like the time we came here after you first got into the
Training Center. But he wanted to make it a bigger party, so we
helped him out a little."

Of course he did. And I thought I couldn't
possibly feel any shittier.

"He told me he had some things to do first."
Alex shrugged. "He'll probably stop by later."

The time passed quickly. By my third drink, I
felt pleasantly numb and the buzz pushed aside my darker thoughts.
Everyone's enthusiastic and boisterous antics were contagious, and
I soon got caught up in the spirit of the party.

Chloe was right. I had needed this. Just a
few hours to not think about fighting or magic or responsibilities
or my fucked up emotional life.

Some of the students left for private
one-on-one time in the woods, while others headed back to the
dorms. Aubrey, Alex, and I competed over who could tell the
dirtiest joke, with Cam and Chloe acting as judges. The raunchy
humor soon had all of us laughing hysterically.

The party gradually wound down. Chloe gave me
a knowing look. "Tell me you didn't have fun."

I was about to respond when a shadow suddenly
fell over the dwindling fire.

"I can't even begin to count the number of
rules you're breaking." Michael's hard voice cut through the
night.

"Oh, shit." Cam didn't bother lowering his
voice. Alex muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

"Out past curfew. Out of your rooms and
fraternizing near the edge of campus. From what I can see and
smell, large amounts of alcohol, which is strictly forbidden on
campus," he barked. His perpetually pissed-off face was now going
nuclear. Anton, another chevalier who assisted at the school, and
Ewan accompanied him.

"Come on. All of you. You're coming with
us."

We followed them back to the main campus and
they took us straight to the headmaster's office. After several
minutes, Pelletier walked in. It was clear from his robe that he'd
woken up just to deal with us.

I moved so that I was a few steps in front of
everyone else.

Michael, Anton, and Ewan stood behind
Pelletier, who glowered from behind his desk.

"Irisavie." His voice was strained. "Why am I
not surprised?"

"It was just a party," I said stiffly. "It's
not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" He looked incredulous. "You
do realize we're under strict security measures because Haverleau
was recently breached? I am responsible for the safety of every
student in this school. When you go off and do things like this,
you make it impossible for me to do my job."

A month ago, I probably would've argued with
him over that statement. But after the massacre at the ball, I had
to admit he had a point.

"Ms. Irisavie, you astonish me with your
continual recklessness and disrespect for the rules. Head Chevalier
Renard trusted you with after-curfew privileges. And this is what
you chose to do with that trust." Sighing in frustration, he rubbed
his hand against his forehead.