White Dreams (10 page)

Star heard the anguish and regret in his words, tinged with anger. She could not help but ask, “What happened?”

He glanced down at her. “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”

The pain in his eyes compelled her. “I’d still like to know.”

Staring out into the darkness, Grady fell silent. Then he spoke, his voice low. “My parents were invited to spend the summer at the plantation of a wealthy businessman my father knew. My mother was thrilled; this family was in a social circle much above our own. But I didn’t want to go. The last thing I wanted to do was spend a season acting the perfect son while attending round after round of parties with my parents. While they thrived on such things, I, as a child, did not. I wanted to go fishing, boating, to take trips upriver with my father. I faked an illness to get them to stay behind, but they went anyway, leaving my sister to care for me. Ida was ten years older than I.”

He paused. “Ida didn’t mind. The one man she loved, and had been engaged to, had eloped five years earlier with another woman. She had no more desire to socialize than I did, to go out and know that our every movement was being watched and judged.”

Grady smiled briefly. “Now that I think about it, I think my parents were glad to leave me in her care. To tell the truth, I was rather a wild child.” He rested his hands on the rail and hunched his shoulders. “Somehow there was a house fire at the plantation. My parents…well, you can guess the rest.”

Star rested her palm against his white-knuckled hand. “I’m sorry. That’s an awful thing for any child to live through.”

He cut her off, anguished. “If only they had never left. Like I did.”

“But Grady, you didn’t leave your children for the same reason.”

Twisting around, he took both her hands in his and held them as if she were a lifeline. “No. But in the end, I am no better than they. Had my parents stayed, had they not changed their plans, they might still be alive. Had I stayed home and not run back to the army, my children would not have been forced to seek me out—and put themselves in danger. I was just as selfish. I’ve just been luckier, so far.”

Star wanted to point out that if he had never left his children, they would never have met, but the implications seemed more than she wanted to examine. “Your actions since the first day we met interest me more. When Emma and Renny needed you the most, you were there for them. Not to mention agreeing to take me and my daughter home with you. Those are not the actions of a selfish man.”

“Ah, Star. Don’t make me out to be the saint I’m not.” Grady ran his thumb over the sensitive flesh of her inner wrist. “Bringing you back to St. Louis with me is purely the act of a selfish man. I need your help with my daughter. And I ignored the fact that in my world there will be many who do not see that all of us are the same underneath… There will be many like the Smiths.” He stopped speaking and looked up at her. “I would not think badly of you if you changed your mind. It’s not too late. We can leave the boat in the morning and catch up with your family.”

Star considered, but then she recalled her reasons for leaving her tribe. Her way of life. For Morning Moon, she could endure the Smiths of the world. The girl would have a life, a childhood without the burden of the Sight. It was the least she could give her daughter.

“A true warrior does not run at the first sign of trouble. He studies his enemy and learns from him. This I will do with the Smiths of the world. I only hope that my presence does not cause you trouble, Grady.”

He turned her face toward his, his fingers sliding up her cheek, his touch gentle but firm. “Thank you.” His eyes seemed to say so much more. “And I promise not to ever leave you alone again to face what you did tonight.”

His protectiveness made an odd sensation flare to life within her, a sensation she knew she must fight. “That is kind of you, Grady, but you cannot follow me around each day. I will learn to handle this on my own.”

“All right. But know that you will have help if you ask for it. And if that gleam in my daughter’s eye was any indication, she’s planning something—though I don’t know if it will be helpful. Mrs. Smith had best be on her guard.”

Star chuckled and started walking again. She too had seen the warning signs in Renny. That child always acted first and thought later. And though Star had already talked to her—and her own daughter—about letting matters go, part of her wanted to see what the child would do.

Grady offered her his arm. “How about another turn before we retire?”

Resting her fingers lightly on his outstretched arm, Star fell into step beside him. No words were needed as they strolled slowly from one end of the ship to the other. And though she kept telling herself not to see him as the man he was but as the way to give her daughter a better life, Star couldn’t help remembering how it had felt to be one with the eagle.

Leo approached the wharf area, driving a wagon. The clip-clop of his horse’s hooves striking the cobblestone street sounded loud in the night. He glanced around, then drew his hat low over his head. Stopping the team, he waited. Behind him, he heard a moan. He glanced around, feeling exposed.

When the light from a nearby gas lamp went out, bathing the area in total darkness, Leo lit his pipe and searched among the deep shadows for the man who had arranged to meet him. A deep voice came out at him and he jumped. A bearded man appeared from the gloom.

“You have my cargo?”

“Yes.” Leo stepped down and led the man to the back of the wagon. He lifted the canvas covering. “All there.”
This was not a man he wanted to fail.

The bearded stranger nodded and handed him a pouch of coins. “Good work. Get them unloaded.”

Leo did so, transferring the wagon’s contents to the ground. The sounds of clinking chains and his own now-full purse made him smile.

“Are we nearly home?” Renny asked, standing at the rail.

Grady reached down and tugged a wayward strand of his daughter’s hair. It never failed to amaze him how quickly her neatly bound hair became unruly. It was like her personality—one minute subdued, the next wild and untamed. “Soon, my little magpie. Soon. Asking the same question each day won’t get us there any quicker.”

Renny sighed dramatically. “There’s nothing to do.”

“You can practice your numbers.”

She scowled. “That’s not fun.”

“Tell you what: after we eat, I’ll take you down to groom your horses.”

She brightened. “Okay.”

Grady met Star’s amused gaze. He’d found one way to his daughter’s heart, horses. Since that night nearly six weeks earlier when he’d caught her in the captain’s cabin and had taken her down to make sure her beloved horses were well cared for, she’d warmed to him a little more. She still rebelled and disobeyed, but the small bit of progress gave him hope that his daughter would eventually accept him fully into her life.

Around them, other passengers strolled along the deck. The
Annabella
had picked up more passengers during their slow trip down the Missouri River.

“You promised to take me riding in the park at home. You won’t forget, will you?” She looked worried.

“No, Renny. I won’t forget.”

“Hear that, Matilda? We get to go riding, just like we did before Papa came.”

“I want to see the stores and market too.” Morning Moon’s face shone with eagerness.

Grady smiled indulgently. “And so you shall, Matilda. There will be many new sights for you and your mother to see. And me as well. I’m sure much has changed since I left.” He tweaked her nose and she giggled.

Renny’s excitement dimmed. “I wish Emma was with us. She would know everything to show you. I miss her.”

Star knelt before Renny, her arms encircling the girl. “Your sister is always with you, Renny. She is in your heart, and in your memories.”

Memories. Grady wished he himself had more of Emma. As he watched Star with Renny, he vowed to make sure he and his youngest child had memories—good ones.

“It’s not the same as being able to talk to her.” Renny sighed, resigned.

Morning Moon spoke up. “You will see her often, though, Renny.”

Grady watched worry lines mar Star’s forehead at her daughter’s calm words. He had the sudden urge to pull her into his arms, to reassure her that all would be well.

“You’ve seen this, my daughter?”

Star tenderly tucked a strand of black hair behind Morning Moon’s ear, her hand lingering, drawing Grady’s eyes to her long, slender fingers. They were so gentle, so tender. How would it feel to have Star’s hands on him, sliding up his chest, over his shoulders, her arms wrapped around his neck, her fingers threading through his hair as they were now combing through her daughter’s?

Giving her a worried look, Morning Moon rested her hands on her mother’s shoulders. “Yes. I have seen this.”

Grady frowned. How would he see his eldest daughter often when they were so far apart? He didn’t understand. And why were this woman and her daughter convinced they could see into the future? It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Morning Moon how she knew what she did, but then, thought better of it. His question would upset Star.

The Indian woman hugged each girl, then stood, and Grady saw she was careful to keep her feelings from the children. But he saw a bleakness lurking in her eyes. The look she sent him was filled with confusion and fear. Changing the subject, he asked Star what she’d like to see or do first.

She smiled, understanding his ploy. “I’d like to see the market too. And your churches.”

“I’ll ask Charles Manning, my solicitor, where the best clothing stores are.”

“Uh-oh,” Renny said suddenly.

Grady scanned the deck behind him. “What is it, child?”

Renny unconsciously leaned against him. “Um, I just remembered that when we left to come find you, we told Uncle Charlie, but we didn’t tell Aunt Hester. She’s going to be very angry when she finds out Emma isn’t coming back.” She grinned.

Grady frowned. “Why didn’t you tell her you were coming to find me? She might have found someone to go along and protect you!”

Kicking the wooden rail lightly, Renny shrugged. “She kept trying to make us go live with her. She and Emma used to fight when they thought I wasn’t around. We thought she would just try to stop us from going.”

“Emma fought with Hester Mae?” Grady remembered his difficult sister-in-law only too well. Margaret Mary hadn’t trusted the woman to… He’d had no idea she had tried to interfere with his daughters. Before he left, he’d made it clear he didn’t want her to try and raise them. So when and how had the woman interfered? Neither his sister, Ida, nor Emma had ever said a word about the woman in their letters.

Renny continued. “Aunt Hester said Emma was too young to raise me, that I needed discipline. Before we left St. Louis, they had a big fight after she came to see me for my birthday. Emma made me go up to my room. I snuck down the stairs to lis—” Renny broke off abruptly.

Grady sighed and tugged on a lock of Renny’s hair. Amused by his daughter’s sudden guilt—as was Star, who smiled—he gave her a stern look. With his attention torn between Renny’s story and the sweet curve of Star’s mouth, he addressed his wayward daughter. “Continue, child. I already know you’re an eavesdropper, so you might as well tell me what you heard.”

“Auntie threatened to ask a judge to give her custody of me. She said Emma was allowing me to run wild. Emma told her to leave and never come back.” Renny grimaced and looked both sad and confused. “That’s when Emma said we were going to go find you.”

Grady recalled the desperation in Emma’s last letters to him and shame filled him. She’d begged him to come home for Renny’s sake, had told him that his younger child needed him. But he’d thought she’d been exaggerating. Why hadn’t she told him about Hester Mae and her threat?

Did it matter now? He’d failed Emma. He never should have expected the girl to raise her sister. At the very least, he should have returned home as soon as word reached him about Ida’s death. Emma’s letter had taken three months to catch up with him, and he’d even missed his sister’s funeral. He’d meant to come home after completing his last assignment, but he’d been needed at Fort Pierre.

As usual, he’d put his military career before his children’s needs, and it had nearly cost him his daughters’ lives. For that, he could never forgive himself.

Furious with his own selfishness and his troublemaking sister-in-law, Grady planned to have a word with her as soon as he arrived in St. Louis. It’d be a cold day in hell before she got her hands on any child of his. Both he and Star reached down to reassure Renny at the same time. Their hands touched. Both looked startled at the unexpected warmth and awareness that came from the innocent contact.

He cleared his throat. “Don’t worry about your aunt. I’ll deal with her.”

“Okay.” A muted squealing came from inside Renny’s dress. She reached inside its deepest pocket and pulled out two baby rats, who yawned and started washing their faces with tiny paws. “Anna and Bella are awake. I’d better take them back to the cabin to feed them.” She hurried away, trailed by her friend.

Silence fell between the adults after the two girls left. “Looks like I have a lot to make up for,” Grady said, staring out toward the riverbank. There, white-topped wagons and clusters of people camped. They were nearing Westport, another jumping-off place for immigrants heading west. Days before, the
Annabella
had passed St. Joseph.

Grady pointed to the crowded bank. “If my daughters had not left St. Louis to come find me, I’d be at Fort Laramie, protecting immigrants like them as they headed west.”

Star shuddered. “We were there, at Fort Laramie, last summer.” Her voice held traces of fear.

Grady had heard the story. Star’s twin brother, White Wolf, and his wife, Jessie, had suffered an ordeal near the fort with a trio of hardened outlaws. That had been the time Star had helped her family with the Sight.

Though believing in something like seeing into the future went against everything Grady accepted as real, for some reason he couldn’t entirely discount Star’s strange ability. After all, her visions had been instrumental in saving Emma’s and Renny’s lives. And possibly his own. He recalled that moment of tension when he and his soldiers, out searching for his daughters, had come face-to-face with Striking Thunder and his warriors.

If not for Star, the two sides would surely have battled, each believing the other was responsible for the senseless killings that had been taking place.

Still, like her, he hoped that she wouldn’t have any of her strange visions while in St. Louis. He wasn’t sure how to handle them. Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure how to handle her either.

Watching the scenery pass, he drew in a deep breath. They were nearly home and he was eager to reacquaint himself with the city he had once loved. And now he could show it to this beautiful woman at his side.

He looked over at Star, and she turned troubled eyes to him. “I did not know Renny and Emma had an aunt. Would she not be a better choice to help you with Renny?”

Grady shuddered. “No. Don’t ever think that. That woman has always been trouble in one form or another. I’d hoped that once she married, she’d settle down and have her own children to keep her busy, but as far as I know, she never did. From what my daughter has said, I guess she’s never given up on someday raising her sister’s children.”

“Why?”

Grady’s features turned grim. “Hester Mae was always overly protective of Margaret Mary. She was six years older and thought she knew what was best for everyone. Even when we married, the woman refused to let her sister live her life. From what my wife told me, no one paid the elder girl any attention, so Hester Mae gave all her love and devotion to her young sister. As they got older, Hester Mae took on almost a mothering role. But it became suffocating. Yet Margaret Mary never said anything to her. I think she always felt sorry for her.

“We tried to include Hester Mae in our family events, but when Emma was born, I could tell Hester Mae’s visits were becoming too much for my wife. I wanted to limit them, but Margaret Mary wouldn’t hear of it. Said Hester Mae had been ignored all her life, and she wouldn’t do that to her, too. So we endured her visits and I kept silent. But on the day of Margaret Mary’s funeral, I learned just how unstable the woman was. She accused me of killing my wife. She even took Emma from the house.”

“How frightening! What happened?”

“Luckily, Hester Mae’s husband intervened and brought Emma back. He was the one who suggested I leave the girls with Ida and not Hester Mae when he learned I was leaving.” Grady shook his head. “Luckily, I listened to him. Though it appears she still tried to meddle in their affairs.”

“She sounds lonely and unhappy,” Star mused.

Grady had never considered what made his sister-in-law act the way she did. It was true that Hester Mae had never seemed to be a very happy person. “Whether she’s lonely or not does not excuse her behavior.”

“No. But it allows us to understand her. She
is
Renny’s aunt.”

Not wanting to think about Hester Mae until it was necessary, Grady held out his arm. “Let’s not talk about her anymore. It should be about time to eat. Are you ready to fetch the girls?”

Star nodded and rested her fingers on his arm.

Grady matched his steps to hers, enjoying her company and the comfortable companionship they’d fallen into. She made no demands on him, yet gave so much. He stole a glance at her, pleased by the changes the last six weeks had wrought. With him watching over her, making sure she ate and rested, the sunken hollows beneath her prominent cheekbones had filled out, and the pinched look around her mouth had faded. Her skin glowed with health, and she’d put on a bit of much-needed weight.

And yet, when he looked deep into her eyes, he still saw the pain, fear and uncertainty with which she lived. His gaze skimmed down her simple pale yellow day dress. It didn’t suit her nearly as well as the powder-blue outfit he loved on her, or even the pink one she’d worn yesterday. One of his first orders of business would be to have a new wardrobe made for her. He glanced down at his uniform. It was threadbare in spots, and torn in others. All four of them would need new clothing.

Though his pay from the army hadn’t made him a rich man, he hadn’t spent much, sending most of it home for his family. And combined with the inheritance from his parents, he had become in his own right somewhat wealthy. He looked forward to spending some of that money on Star.

Out of habit, he peeked down at her feet, disappointed to see the tips of her shoes. But come nightfall, when they once again strolled the deck before bed, he knew she’d be barefoot and several petticoats lighter.

It amused and amazed him how much he looked forward to catching sight of her bare feet, her toes. He had to be crazy to find her shoelessness alluring. But he did. Unbidden came the thought:
if she dispenses with her shoes and petticoats during our evening strolls because she says they’re restraining, what other items of clothing beneath her dress are also left in the cabin?

Grady felt ashamed. Star Dreamer was in his care, under his protection. He had no business thinking of her in such a way. But he couldn’t help it. His body wanted her. Her smile. Her touch. Her kiss. Her love.

The shock of that admission sent his heart reeling. Love? Was he ready for that? Even now, after so many years? He didn’t know, but he knew one thing: this woman wasn’t ready. She had her own demons to fight. Asking for her to love him would be like asking to hold the moon or stars.

The stars? Hell. The only way he’d have her was in his dreams.

Star Dreamer.

She was aptly named, and that only served to remind him of what he couldn’t have.

It was their last night aboard the
Annabella,
and Star and Grady returned to the deck after tucking their excited daughters into bed. Come morning, they should see the St. Louis harbor. Star wasn’t quite sure what to expect, then. Captain Billaud had informed them that sometimes ships were strung out for miles, waiting for space to dock. Unsure of what the next few days would hold, Star planned to enjoy her time alone with Grady. For the past few weeks, the highlight of her days had been the evenings spent alone with the colonel as they strolled around the deck or sat in chairs and talked. She planned to savor that tonight.