Who We Are (3 page)

Desire nodded through the tears welling in her eyes. Papa patted her head. “Be a good girl.”

The rest of that week was utterly awful. Desire stood in the centre of town while all her friends and fellow community members passed by and looked at her with disappointment and disdain. Desire noted that Constance made a point of passing by several times a day, and could tell that Constance derived a sick pleasure from watching Desire suffer so publicly. Rather than concentrate on the community’s judgment of her, Desire focused on standing tall throughout the week not letting her hunger or fatigue show. When people walked by, she would them look them in the eye and state compellingly: “May God and the community forgive my sins. I am truly sorry and wish to be welcomed back into the church family.”

One day, when Thomas and Noah, a couple of the church elders walked past, Desire heard Thomas utter, “I knew that this would happen. This child is not meant to live our life. Haven’t they got enough data to prove that?”

Thomas’ words confused her as she watched them walk on.

What does that mean? What proof?

Desire only thought on it for a moment or two, as she was too hot, hungry, and humiliated to feel concerned for very long.

By the end of the week, she felt pretty sure Papa feel proud of her. When they went back to the church at the end of the week, he held his head high and actually walked beside her down the aisle amid the congregation. At the front of the church, he took his place with the other Elders. The Minister declared. “According to God’s law, this child has repaid her sins. She has displayed reverence to God by abiding by his wishes. God spoke to me last night and advised me that this child is welcome back into His good graces. We will all stand now, surround this child and welcome her back into our family.”

The congregation rose. Each church member filed out of their seat, row by row, approached the girl and stated, “Desire, we welcome you back in the covenant of our community. All is forgiven.”

And that was that. All was forgiven and one’s sins not spoken of again once the punishments and penance, usually quite harsh, were completed. According to their Bible, if one has paid for their sins and feel truly sorry, they are washed cleaned. Desire acknowledged to herself that didn’t really feel sorry, as she didn’t believe she had done anything wrong. She only regretted that she got caught and that everyone had misunderstood the circumstances.

Weeks later, Desire found herself standing in the kitchen in the church basement, disobeying Papa again. She wiped the bread crumbs off her mouth and finished making some tea for Tobias. 

Like all the girls in the community, Desire attended Bible Study. Bible Study ended promptly at eleven o’clock at which time young girls went home to prepare lunch for all the members of their families, except for the men. The men who went to work did not come home for lunch. Desire did not understand why since work was so close by. This was just another matter that Desire felt curious about but did not think too long on.

Desire was expected home from Bible Study no later than ten minutes past eleven o’clock to help with chores. Mama had a very strict routine each day that Desire had to help her with. Today was laundry day. Right after breakfast, Mama would wash the clothes then hang them outside to dry in the sunlight and soak up the freshness from the air. After that, she would go upstairs to sweep and wash the floors, and make sure all the beds were crisply made. Then she would spend a few hours in her sewing room at the back of the house. The room’s many windows let sunshine filter in, which made it easier for her to complete her projects. Mama handcrafted all sorts of items. She made all of the clothes, beautiful quilts, curtains, tablecloths, and napkins. Desire was learning how to sew, but wasn’t as talented as Mama.
Probably because sewing is so darned boring!
Desire thought to herself.
The only pleasure Desire got from sewing was the time she got to spend with Mama.

Today after lunch, Mama told her they would spend the afternoon sewing together. She said there were no more chores for today until it was time to prepare dinner. Mama instructed Desire to make a pot of tea and bring it with some cookies into the sewing room. Desire boiled water while she cleaned the lunch dishes. Mama didn’t eat very much at all. Over the years, Desire noticed that when she was being punished, Mama rarely ate. But she also noticed that Mama’s jaw was swollen on the left side and was a purplish-red colour. Desire correctly guessed that this Mama’s penance for helping to cover up her daughter’s mischief.

Desire brought the tray of tea and cookies into the sewing room as Mama was taking a half-finished quilt out of a large travel trunk. In no time, Mama set a section of the quilt in the frame. She then paused long enough to pour a cup of tea and wrap four cookies in a little napkin. She hesitated for a moment and looked out all the windows then went over to the trunk and pulled out the new head scarf Desire had been sewing. She handed the napkin with the scarf to the girl. “Desire, you sit here and work on your scarf with me.” She smiled at her daughter and proceeded to begin a row of perfectly executed quilting stitches.

When Desire had finished her tea and cookies, she excused herself to go upstairs to her room. She opened the curtains that covered the very large window. There was so much sunlight she didn’t need to light a lamp. Sitting on the side of her bed she couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with her.

I am 15 years old and I know the rules yet sometimes I hear a little voice inside me that convinces me that what I actually want to do would be okay.

Curiosity about the dense forest that surrounded the community had haunted her for as long as she could remember. One of the first lessons she remembers learning in school was about how lucky they were to be surrounded by the forest in Winthrop. They learned that the forest extended to the edges of the earth. They learned that the devil ruled the thick, dark forest and those who entered of their own free will invited the devil into their souls. Those who managed to elude the devil and make it through the forest would fall off the edge into the fiery pits of hell. The teachers at school would show them pictures of people burning up at the edge of the forest and falling into an abyss. The pictures were frightening. Any child caught letting curiosity get the better of them were punished severely.

Secretly, Desire doubted these teachings. She had snuck into the forest many times and found the forest beautiful and peaceful. Years ago, she found another way into the forest. She followed the vegetable fields to the far end and came upon a place where thick bushes extended into the fields. She discovered that if she went behind the bushes, she could sneak into the forest unseen. The first time she did, she felt equally excited and terrified. Desire only spent about five minutes there and then scampered out breathless and anticipating being tossed into the fiery depths of hell.

Desire dared to enter again. Each time, she stayed a little longer. When she decided that the forest was not an evil place, she began to sneak in every Wednesday and Friday when all the town ladies went to the church to prepare the community meal, followed by worship service and a community meeting. Since the community had 325 members, all the ladies were required to attend in order to prepare a meal that big. While their mothers were busy cooking at the church, young children attended school and older children stayed home to complete their chores and manage the households.

Desire used these few hours of unwatched time as her ticket to explore the forest without fear of being caught.  After Mama left for church, Desire rushed out and picked vegetables as fast as she could. For a few glorious hours, she felt free as a bird soaring in the bright, blue sky. She would shed her heavy dress and shoes and run around, just exploring. She ran through the forest picking wildflowers and digging her toes into the cool, dark earth. She would wade through the creek and eat fresh berries right off the bushes. Sometimes she would lie on a patch of dewy grass, stare up at the sky, and wonder to herself.

What is my purpose? Who was I supposed to be?

The afternoons in the forest were her most cherished times. She felt free and alive with the sun’s warmth embracing her bare skin and the cool blades of grass tickling her bare feet. But as much as she loved these moments, a part of her always felt a little nervous.

Is the devil watching me? Does the devil make me prance about in my underclothes?

Although the answer may be ‘yes’, she knew that deep in her soul nothing so innocent and liberating could possibly be evil.

Relishing the memories of her forest adventures, she set about finishing the stitching on her head scarf. Quickly bored with the stitch work, she laid down on her bed, in hopes that one of her dreams would come to her. She fell asleep conjuring up the beautiful Mammy in her dreams.

Mammy was peeking over her bed and stroking her head. “Hello Angel. Did you have a restful nap?” She tickled Desire’s toes and lifted her into a soft, warm embrace.

Chapter Two

              The community of Hemac is a family-centered community with strong Christian beliefs and strict rules. The older Desire became, the less this lifestyle appealed to her; not that she could do anything about it since there weren’t any other communities anywhere. Though most people in the community seemed content, Desire could not ignore what felt like an itch inside of her that signaled a craving for something more exciting. Her days were mundane with a routine set in stone for each day of the week: Bible study, chores and helping her mother keep the house in proper order. Occasionally, she had extra work to do at the church, such as cooking and planning celebrations, but those jobs got assigned to the grown women in the town.

Desire longed for one kindred spirit to connect with. She was sometimes invited to the birthday celebrations of her classmates, but she quickly deduced that those invitations only came from the children of the other church Elders out of respect for her father. No, for the most part, she was not included in activities of girls her age in Hemac.

She wondered if her physical appearance had any effect on the way she was treated by the other girls. Although her father made her dress in extremely modest clothes, it was obvious that she looked much different than the other girls and ladies in the community. She had heard whispers occasionally about how she had been blessed by God with an Angel’s face, but she also had overheard some kids in her school say that her flaming red hair was a sign that she was sent to Hemac to do the Devil’s handiwork. She would run home from school when she was younger and cry to Mama that the other children called her the Devil.

“Oh Desire, those little girls are just envious because you have something that they do not. Your beautiful hair, sparkling green eyes and pure white skin are exactly how God made you.” She had told Desire that although vanity was a sin, wanting to be and feel beautiful was natural.

              She could not remember any of the other girls her age getting into serious trouble, certainly not enough to have to stand up in church to receive penance. The worst trouble she knew her peers ever got into was laughing a little too loud in class or not completing their homework on time. She wondered why these other girls never appeared to be curious about anything. They lacked any sense of adventure or curiosity.

The community stretches outward from the centre of town. There is a beautiful green park with colourful flower beds, benches to rest on, and a large fountain crafted out of marble. All the houses were on one side of town and each had about two acres of field to grow food and tend to the animals. The church sat across from the fountain in the centre of town. The school was very small and adequate, since there were not a lot of small children in the community. There was a ration store where weekly food and supplies were collected by all the families. With the exception of the food grown by each family and the items that were hand-sewn, all the rest of the needs of the community were obtained at the ration store.

Work was located on the far side of the community. One would need to travel a bit beyond the community to even see the building. Work was a menacing structure that gave Desire a little chill whenever she had to walk by. It was a large, old stone building that loomed high above all the other buildings in Hemac. A great wire fence surrounded the Work premises and had piercing bits of metal twisted along the top row of the fence. Desire’s bottom hurt just thinking about trying to climb over it!

There was a peculiar box outside that the working men tapped and a gate would open and let them in. It closed loudly behind the men after passing through. Woman and children were forbidden to go onto the Work premises. Hemac law stated than any community member caught endeavoring to enter Work without permission was subject to public execution. This law was very effective in squashing anyone’s curiosity about Work. The building itself looked very ominous. As far as she could tell, the building had no windows. On the front of the building, she could see some symbols carved into the stone. She could never get close enough to see exactly what they were, but from a distance the one above the door looked like a triangle with an eyeball in the centre. She had not walked by Work very often since that end of the community seemed a little colder and had a threatening feel to it. She felt as though that eyeball watched her as she walked by.