Why Women Have Sex (25 page)

—heterosexual woman, age 47

When a couple is mismatched in their sexual desires, it is usually, but not always, the man who desires more sex. If men have evolved a higher sex drive and are socialized to feel more comfortable initiating sex than women, then women necessarily will be presented with more opportunities to comply with unwanted sex. But do they actually
choose
to comply more frequently than men do?

Research indicates that women agree to unwanted sex more often than men do—but not by as great a margin as one might predict. One study of married couples found that 84 percent of wives and 64 percent of husbands “usually” or “always” complied with having sex when their spouse wanted to and they did not. Researcher Lucia O’Sullivan found that when encounters were measured over a two-week period, women were more likely to agree to unwanted sex than men (50 percent versus 26 percent). When they were measured over a year, however, there were no meaningful differences between men and women. Women may comply with unwanted sex more often then men do, but given enough time, virtually everyone in a sexual relationship will experience unwanted sex at least once.

In our study, three main themes emerged in the reasons women gave for why they willingly agreed to have unwanted sex: to maintain the relationship; because they felt it was their duty; and because they felt it was the “nice” thing to do. For some women, having unwanted sex to maintain the relationship meant using sex to avoid a fight:

I was in a long-term relationship with a partner who had a very high sex drive. I have a very low sex drive and this was a source of anger and frustration for my partner. At times, in an attempt to avoid an argument or fulfill what I felt my role in the relationship was, I would have sex when I didn’t feel like it.

—heterosexual woman, age 25

Sometimes, as a woman you do not feel like having sex . . . either being too tired or just too busy. But, being in a married relationship
you must put the other person’s needs in front of your own at times. So I do not know that it would be called nagging . . . but my spouse does get crabby, frustrated, and distant . . . when he has gone a little long without having sex. I have at times just given in to sex . . . to keep all peace in the household. Mind you, I am always extremely glad that we did have sex after the act.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 32

In every long-term relationship, there are times when partners’ needs differ and sacrifices have to be made in order to maintain the relationship. Sacrifices can be simple, such as agreeing to go to a restaurant you are not crazy about but that your partner likes, or complex, such as agreeing to relocate to accommodate a partner’s career change. Agreeing to unwanted sex can be seen as a similar form of functional relationship sacrifice.

How much a person is committed to the relationship will generally determine how willing they are to make sacrifices. If a person views the relationship as providing more benefits than costs, commitment is increased. If he or she has already invested a lot of time, money, resources, and effort into the relationship, then it becomes harder to throw it all away and end the relationship. A person’s commitment is also influenced by the perception of viable mating alternatives. A person who is afraid to be alone and does not envision desirable men or women lining up for dates will be more committed to their relationship.

Research has not directly addressed the question of whether having unwanted sex successfully helps to maintain relationships. When people feel their partners have made important sacrifices for them, they become more committed. Of course, that sometimes requires that the person
cares
that the partner is making a sacrifice. The effects of sexual sacrifices likely depend on how discrepant the partners’ sexual desires actually are, whether the sacrifices are in some way reciprocated, and whether the sacrifice is viewed as an act of generosity and nurturing.

On the other hand, some people may not take kindly to learning that having sex with them is viewed as a “sacrifice.”

In addition to agreeing to sex despite mismatches in drive, many women, particularly married women, had unwanted sex because they viewed it as their duty:

I have been married for thirty-two years. It seems only natural to me after that long of a time, that once in a while you have sex with your husband only because you feel that it is your duty.

—heterosexual woman, age 53

The idea that sex is part of the marital contract is alluded to in many religious texts. For example, the Christian Bible states in First Corinthians 7:2–3 that it is both the wife’s and husband’s duty to have sex with each other: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” In Judaism, the duty is placed more on the husband pleasing his wife sexually than vice versa. The Talmud specifies both the quantity and quality of sex that a man must give his wife while taking into consideration the husband’s occupation. The husband is not permitted to take a vow of sexual abstinence for an extended period of time or to take lengthy journeys that would deprive his wife of sexual relations.

While for some women believing that sex is a marital duty may be embedded in their religious beliefs, for others the notion stems from generations of cultural expectations that the man was the breadwinner in a marriage. In return, it was the wife’s responsibility to raise the children, run the household, and “please” the man. Pleasing the man included fulfilling his sexual needs, regardless of how different they were from one’s own. As described in the book
Sexual pleasure in Marriage
, published in 1959, “loving” wives were also expected to do so with great enthusiasm:

Individual differences being what they are, some wives most certainly will experience less frequent desire than their husbands . . .
loving wives always have made this accommodation for their husbands and probably always will. Even if a wife’s pleasure is less intense on some occasions, she is happy in giving pleasure to her mate. The wife who is too often merely compliant runs some risk that her husband’s urgency, or his expanding erotic taste, may send him occasionally into the arms of another who, for the moment at least, appears to offer more abandoned and spontaneous forms of pleasure. Obviously, unless she is a consummate actress, she cannot pretend to a burning passion she does not feel. But her honest appreciation of her spouse’s need for variety, her genuinely welcoming attitude, her avoidance of a patronizing manner will serve her well in the intervals when her own passion is not intense.

Although today in Western cultures it is more the norm than the exception that women as well as men to work outside the home, these messages are still conveyed from older, more traditional generations to many young women. Caretakers—whether mothers, fathers, nannies, or grandparents—are exceptionally powerful sources of influence on how a girl grows up to view herself as a sexual person. It is not known exactly how family messages are accepted by a child, or why some messages are taken in and others are not. It is apparent, however, that whatever creates sexual anxiety for a woman in adulthood is often closely related to what produced anxiety for her primary childhood caretaker.

Women are socialized to be nurturers. They are taught from an early age to show empathy and compassion and to be sensitive and aware of other people’s feelings. Women, for the most part, are the ones who give soup to the sick, cookies to the elderly, and . . . sex to the forlorn? Several women in our study described using sex as a way to nurture people who were feeling bad about themselves. More than a few women in their late teens and twenties reported having sex with men because they felt sorry for them:

It was an old friend (we grew up together) [who] was very upset that he was a virgin still and also that he had never found someone he trusted/loved/cared about, etc., to have sex with. I think he was
kind of hung up on the issue that men are supposed to have sex as soon as they can . . . not be waiting for someone special like women are supposed to. We were attracted to each other and had talked about the possibility of dating, but he lived across the country at the time and nothing came of it. Eventually, he visited home and we ended up kissing and messing around on my couch . . . he was certain that he wanted to have sex and I was feeling sorry for him so I agreed. It wasn’t a big deal for me because I had had sex before and I knew and trusted him . . . but it was a bad idea in the long run . . . I had always thought I wanted to only be in a serious relationship before having sex and this experience taught me that this is really what I wanted.

—heterosexual woman, age 25

One woman reported having sex because she felt sorry for a man who was unable to get dates:

I hate letting people down, or hurting them, when I think that I can avoid it. I’ve even had relationships based on this in the past, when I don’t really feel attracted to someone, but I don’t want to lose the close friendship I have with them. . . . For a specific instance, I started talking to a guy on Facebook about a movie interest that we had in common. He wanted to meet me in person, so we decided to get lunch together. He showed that he was interested in me right away, and told me all of his horror stories about how he could never find girls that liked him, etc., etc., etc. To make a long story short, I ended up dating him just to make him feel better about himself, and because I felt like I had led him on, so I “owed him.”

—heterosexual woman, age 22

Having sex out of a sense of nurturing obligation wasn’t limited to young women or casual sexual activity. One woman in our study described having sex with a man because he had just gone through a divorce and she felt bad for him:

The person was interested in me and we hung out. I liked him, but I certainly wasn’t attracted to him. He had recently been divorced, so it was a sympathy lay.

—heterosexual woman, age 44

And within established relationships, several women in our study talked about willingly having unwanted sex because they wanted to make their partner feel loved:

In long-term relationships, I feel that sex is an important thing that helps resolve problems and prevents new problems from arising. In some of my relationships, I have felt that there has been unequal interest in sex, so I have “started” the sex stuff because I felt the other person wanted it, and I wanted him to be happy. I have found that I am generally less interested in sex than my partners are, so I sometimes make a conscious effort to initiate sex so that my partner feels wanted, loved, and secure.

—heterosexual woman, age 23

Some women said they wanted to prevent their partners from feeling bad or rejected:

After making up from a fight with my girlfriend, I was exhausted and upset, as was she. She initiated sex; I felt that to decline would be to reject her, which I didn’t want to do. I wanted closeness, though not necessarily of the sexual sort, but was willing to compromise with her.

—gay/lesbian woman, age 19

Women frequently engage in consensual unwanted sex when, for a number of situational, biological, or relationship reasons, they desire sex less often than a partner. Sometimes women agree to unwanted sex because they believe that it is their duty to please their partners, or
because it is their temperament to try to please people. At other times, women engage willingly in unwanted sex because they feel it is helpful, if not essential, to maintaining a relationship. If a woman’s motivation to have sex is embedded in a desire to feel good about herself as a mate or a person in general, then doing so can result in a pleasurable experience for both partners.

As we will see in chapter 10, when a woman has unwanted sex because she is coerced or forced, with rare exception she experiences intense negative emotional consequences. And if a woman’s motivation is based on fear of negative consequences, she often feels guilty, resentful, or remorseful afterward. But this is not necessarily true when women
willingly
consent to unwanted sex.

In fact, one study found that only 29 percent of men and 35 percent of women experienced any type of emotional discomfort as a result of engaging in consensual unwanted sex. As we have seen, women in our study experienced a range of emotional responses as a consequence of agreeing to have sex when they did not desire it. Some said the event made them “extremely glad” or it “boosted [their] confidence.” Others described it as a “bad idea” that they later regretted. Some viewed it as a healthy aspect of a relationship:

When my fiancé needs to feel closer to me or release tension, I feel that I owe it to him to have sex with him. Even if I’m not particularly “in the mood” at the time. He has done the same for me on numerous occasions. I feel that it’s part of a healthy, loving, monogamous relationship to be able to see your partner’s needs and help them in any way you can. I never feel anything but the satisfaction of knowing that I have given to him all that I can, as he does for me.