Why Women Have Sex (7 page)

—heterosexual woman, age 21

Our study discovered two key personality characteristics that motivate women to have sex—a
good sense of humor
and
self-confidence
. Here is how two women described what made a sexual partner attractive to them:

I had sex with someone who had a great sense of humor because every time I was with him, I had a great time. I have never had so much fun with anyone else as I had with him. All of those good feelings from all the laughter led to me feeling good with him in other aspects. Sex was just an extension of that.

—heterosexual woman, age 27

I had this boyfriend who wasn’t terribly attractive, but he was extremely romantic and could make me laugh just by looking at me. He had an incredible sense of humor that turned me on completely. . . . At some point he cheated, broke my heart and his own, and I ended it. . . . Several years later we evenutally did date again, but that magic was no longer there. But that didn’t keep me from wanting him sexually. He was still incredibly funny!

—heterosexual woman, age 40

Another woman summed up the importance of humor about as succinctly as possible: “If there is no laughter, the lovemaking, I am sure, will not be good.”

One indication of the importance of a good sense of humor is that it is one of the few personality traits that has its own abbreviation in online dating sites: GSOH. Another is that married women who think that their husbands are witty are more satisfied with their marriages than women who do not. Women rate it as a desirable trait in both short-term sexual and long-term romantic relationships. And studies from the Buss Evolutionary Psychology Lab reveal that displaying a good sense of humor is the single most effective tactic men can use to attract women. But not all men believe this, apparently, as the following quote from comedian Jimi McFarland reveals: “One of the things women claim is most important in a man is a sense of humor. In my years as a comedian, I’ve learned that they’re usually referring to the humor of guys like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Russell Crowe. Apparently, those guys are hilarious.”

Why a sense of humor is so important in sexual attraction has been the subject of much scientific debate. One critical distinction is between humor production (making others laugh) and humor appreciation (laughing at others’ jokes). There’s a sex difference—men define a woman with a good sense of humor as someone who laughs at their jokes! Men especially like women who are receptive to their humor in sexual relationships. Women, in contrast, are attracted to men who produce humor, and that’s true for all types of relationships, from one-night stands to lifelong matings.

The most likely explanation for why women and men alike are attracted to those with a sense of humor is because laughing elicits a positive mood. In our study, several women noted how the relaxing effects of a sense of humor enhanced sex for them:

A great body is attractive, but especially as I get older, personality becomes more and more important. Someone who’s funny can make you feel more comfortable and relaxed, and a clever wit is attractive in itself.

—heterosexual woman, age 38

The people I have been attracted to and had sex with have all had a good sense of humor. It is more fun if you can relax and laugh together in bed—even while you are having sex! It makes it more fun and honest, because you can try different things without fear of
them not liking it and not saying anything, and also if something strange or unexpected happens, you can laugh about it!

—heterosexual woman, age 51

A person’s mood at the time of an initial encounter is an important factor in determining attraction—positive feelings lead to positive evaluations of others and negative feelings lead to negative evaluations. In fact, anyone or anything simply present when positive or negative feelings are aroused also tends to be liked or disliked as a consequence. Hence the saying “Don’t shoot the messenger.” If other people just happen to be there when your feelings are good, you tend to like them; if your feelings are bad, you tend to dislike them.

The tendency to be attracted to those who make us laugh and elicit a positive mood can partly be explained in terms of conditioning. After pairing a particular mood with a particular person on multiple occasions, eventually the person alone will elicit that mood. Indeed, studies have found that when women view photographs of strangers while enjoyable music is playing, they are more attracted to them than when they listen to music they find unappealing. This probably means that women are more likely to be attracted to their dance instructors and massage therapists than they are to their tax accountants and the parking meter attendant.

Being able to make others laugh reveals a certain level of empathy or perspective-taking—being able to put yourself into the minds of others in order to envision what they will find funny. Witty humor, like that of Robin Williams, Jon Stewart, or Ellen DeGeneres, may signal intelligence. Having a good sense of humor usually signals an easygoing, fun-loving, adaptable personality. Displaying humor takes social verve, poise, and self-confidence. Telling a joke that bombs can be embarrassing or humiliating, so timid people usually refrain from trying. Research finds that women view humorous men as socially skilled and confident.

This brings us to self-confidence, a prime personality trait that women find sexy. One woman interviewed at a singles bar by sociologist Jerald Cloyd expressed it this way: “Some guys just seem to know what they are doing. They know how to approach you and just make you feel good. Then you get those nerds . . . who can’t get anything right. They come on strong at first, but can’t keep it together . . . they
just hang around until you dump them by going to the rest room or over to a friend to talk.”

Often, self-confidence and humor go hand in hand:

I had a relationship with someone who was very, very ugly but who made me laugh. He was very self-confident, as funny people tend to be I guess, so that was what attracted me to him.

—heterosexual woman, age 29

Self-confidence has attraction value by its own virtues. It is a signal of resources: men scoring high on self-confidence earn significantly more money than men with low self-confidence. It is a signal of self-perceived mate value. Another study, for example, discovered that only men high in self-confidence approach physically attractive women for dates, regardless of their own level of attractiveness. Men who suffer low self-esteem, in contrast, avoid approaching attractive women because they think they will strike out.

I have specifically gone out with PhDs, MDs, JDs, [and] CEOs because I have always thought they were out of my league. Thinking they are so much smarter than I am because of a degree. I really wanted to know what makes them tick and what makes them better than I am. I have slept with all of them. I learned they are no different than a mechanic or factory worker; they just have more money.

—heterosexual woman, age 42

Henry Kissinger famously noted, “Power is an aphrodisiac.” A less-known quote by Kissinger is “Now when I bore people at parties, they think it’s their fault.” And there’s no question that he is right—at least about the sexual attraction of fame. Here is how one woman in our study described it:

The people were all kind of B-grade famous. Rock stars mostly. I don’t need a paragraph to tell you why. There is an exclusiveness to
having sex with a celebrity. . . . I think I can speak for most girls when I say I wanted my own song . . . infamy. Maggie May, Julia, Suzy Q, Amy, etc.

—heterosexual woman, age 28

One reason why women find fame sexy is that it generally comes packaged with social status and resources—the subject of chapter 8. In a long-term relationship, vital resources are shared; sometimes these resources flow even if the relationship does not last. But the flow of status and resources cannot explain why women find power and status sexually alluring for sexual encounters that they know will be transient. We need a different explanation for why women want to have sex with movie stars or famous athletes, even though they know it will last for just a few hours or a single night.

One possible explanation is what biologists call “mate copying.” In many species, ranging from fish to mammals, females use the mate choices of other females as a basis for their own mate choice. They prefer males who have been “pre-approved” by other females. The higher the quality of the females who have chosen a given male, the stronger the mate copying. The Buss Lab found a similar effect among humans.

The research team showed women pictures of men in three conditions—standing alone, surrounded by other men, and surrounded by women. We also showed men pictures of women standing alone, surrounded by other women, or surrounded by men. Women viewing these photos found the same man more attractive when he was surrounded by women than when he was standing alone or with other men. And the more attractive the women that surrounded a man in the photo, the sexier women found the man to be. This desirability-enhancement effect proved especially strong when evaluating the man’s sexual attractiveness. Interestingly, men showed the opposite reaction, a desirability-diminution effect. They found women surrounded by other men to be less desirable.

In fish and other species that lack male parental investment, the primary benefit females gain from mating with males desired by other females is access to his genes. The quality of male genes in these species
comes in two basic flavors. The first is genes for healthiness and increased survival that can enhance their offspring’s health and survival. The second is known as “sexy son genes.” Females benefit by mating with males who are highly desired by other females simply because they will bear sons who will, in turn, be attractive to females. Females who “mate copy” increase their reproductive success through their sexy sons.

The sexy-son hypothesis provides a plausible explanation for mate copying in humans. Women who mate with men who radiate sex appeal in the eyes of other women will have a chance of bearing sons who are similarly sexy to women in the next generation. Obviously, women do not consciously think about these adaptive benefits; they just find men desired by other women sexy. Unlike other species, however, women experience an additional benefit by having sex with these men: access to high-status social circles, beyond their usual peers.

No doubt we are sometimes attracted to people who are different from ourselves. However, when it comes to actually choosing a long-term sexual partner, it is more the rule than the exception that “similars” attract. Several studies have shown substantial similarity between husbands and wives in their attitudes about faith, war, and politics, as well as similarities in their physical health, family background, age, ethnicity, religion, and level of education. Dating and married couples are similar in physical attractiveness, and young married couples even tend to be matched in weight. The “matching hypothesis”—as named by social psychologists—is so strong that observers react negatively when they perceive couples who are mismatched on levels of attractiveness. There is one notable exception—a beautiful woman and a less-attractive man. In this scenario, consistent with evolutionary logic, people judging the mismatched pairs ascribe wealth, intelligence, or success to the man.

Why do similars attract? In terms of physical attractiveness, one motive for seeking a close physical match to oneself is a fear of rejection. People prefer those similar to themselves in overall “mate value,” or desirability on the mating market. Going for someone substantially more desirable is often a losing proposition, for both women and men. And, if
a person manages to lure a more desirable mate, there are costs involved—such as needing to be ever vigilant of mate poachers.

Finding someone who shares similar attitudes and beliefs is attractive because it provides a sort of consensual validation or verification of what we already believe. That is, a partner who shares our opinions provides us with evidence that we must be correct. Similar attitudes among mates arouse positive feelings, while dissimilar attitudes elicit negative moods. “Balance,” according to social psychologists, is a pleasant emotional state, a harmonious feeling that occurs when two people like each other and agree about some topic. When people like each other yet disagree, balance is lost. To correct the imbalance, one or both parties strive to restore it by either changing his or her own attitude or attempting to change the partner’s attitude. Clearly, it is much easier to maintain a pleasant balance if you start out agreeing on most topics.

Finally, similarity augurs well for long-term relationship success. It leads to emotional bonding, cooperation, communication, mating happiness, and lowered risk of breaking up. So although opposites
sometimes
attract, when it comes to mating, “birds of a feather flock well together.”

Science can explain why women in general are attracted to certain body and personality types, but can it explain the subtle differences in what individual women find sexually attractive? Some women like curly blond hair, others prefer short dark hair, still others no hair at all. Some like clean-shaven men, others prefer the unshaven, tousled, just-woke-up look. It is not uncommon to hear women say, “He’s not my type.”