Wild Hearts (Novella) (7 page)

They sat in chairs with their backs to a wall and a view of the room. Julian would probably never grow out of doing that.

“You still planning to head back to Mexico?” Julian asked once they’d ordered their drinks.

“Damn straight. I will find out the truth.”

When Rath set his mind to something, he wouldn’t be swayed. Julian knew it was pointless to argue, and after being on the receiving end of persuasion, he wasn’t about to try. So he simply said, “Make sure it’s about justice and not revenge.”

“What’s the diff?”

“Justice will keep your head straight. Revenge will skew your judgment.”

Rath nodded, and they ordered when the waitress returned with their brews. “I don’t want to think about anything other than the road for the next month.”

Julian lifted his beer in a toast. “Here’s to Route 66 and two rogue SEALs.” After Rath clinked their mugs hard enough to send the head sloshing over the edge, Julian took a long drink. He didn’t want to think about anything beyond the road, either. But he was thinking about it anyway. He was thinking about justice. Purpose.

Justiss.

Knox Logan had been back home on the family’s ranch for two weeks before rallying the guts to go to the place where his sister’s body had washed up at the south end of the property. Funny, he’d seen death and blood and broken bodies, some of them comrades, but none of that had numbed him to a seventeen-year-old memory.

That’s because you were responsible. You don’t get to forget what she looked like, blue lips and pale skin, long hair a tangle of mud and leaves
.

In the two weeks since that ride to the river, he hadn’t been back to the forlorn spot where his mother had planted a cross. He didn’t need to see it; it lived in his mind, his nightmares.

He nudged his horse forward as he rode the fence line, checking for broken wires or downed posts. Funny how the only emotion he could ever feel was guilt. No, it wasn’t funny at all, come to think of it.

The Montana sky was as big and blue as he remembered, the mental picture he held on to whenever he was in some hellhole or another. The air was as clear, the plains as vast, and the distant mountains as impressive.

But the skies were beginning to darken as the sun sank beyond those ridges. He took note of where he’d left off and kicked Bojangles into a full-out gallop down the well-worn path through the evergreens. He fell into rhythm with the animal’s movements and felt something lift in his chest. The same feeling he got when he flew his plane. Freedom. Adrenaline. And a temporary lift in the heaviness of his being.

Too soon they broke out of the forest and into the pastures. As soon as Bojangles spotted the stables, he picked up speed. Knox’s older brother, Ethan, opened the gate, and the horse slowed as he neared the barn.

“How many spots for us to mend?” Ethan asked as he strode into the barn a minute later.

“Found ten.” Knox lifted his cell phone. “Got ’em marked on the GPS. We can head out tomorrow morning with the ATVs.”

“How were the bugs?”

“The size of small prey birds. Which wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t forgotten bug spray.” Knox pulled his shirt away from his chest. “Not that it would have mattered. Probably would have sweated it off in about two minutes.” It was easy to bitch about the things that had annoyed him when he’d done this job as a kid. The heat, the bugs, getting poked by thorns and cut by barbed wire. Compared to what he’d suffered in the military, though, it wasn’t all that bad.

One of the ranch hands took the horse and led him away. Growing up, Knox and Ethan were those ranch hands doing all the grunge work. Logan Ranch had become successful enough to hire on guys to handle that kind of stuff.

Ethan nodded toward the house with a somber expression. “Courtney’s here, says she’s not leaving until you sign the divorce papers. Cheating bitch has some nerve showing up after what she did to you. Mom didn’t kick her out, but she’s making her wait out on the porch.”

Knox’s chest tightened. Not at the prospect of seeing his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Not even at signing the papers, something he’d been putting off for over a week. Their marriage had been over for years, so that was merely a formality.

Ethan, as usual, wanted to prod the issue. “How come you don’t seem as angry as the rest of us? Whoa, wait a minute. Did you cheat on her?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t do that. Cheating’s not in you.”

Knox never would have cheated on Courtney, even if he’d been tempted to. Unlike some of his comrades, who were always looking for some action, he hadn’t been interested in banging some stranger. In truth, he’d shut down that part of himself years ago.

Knox beckoned with a wave. “Come on up. There’s something I need to straighten out.”

“You know I got your back,” Ethan said, illustrating by slapping him right between the shoulder blades.

“I know.” Knox gave his brother a grateful smile.

He’d seen more of Courtney on a computer screen than in person these last ten
years. As he approached the porch that wrapped around the house, he thought she didn’t appear much different than she had when they’d married right out of high school. Except she looked sad. With a little bit of angry thrown in.

She came to her feet when she saw him approach, her expression wary. The lack of an iced tea or lemonade on the table next to her chair showed just how mad his mom was. She always did the hospitality thing.

The Logans hated Courtney, no doubt about it. They’d come to his defense just as they had after the defuckle, knowing that there was more to the story than he could tell. Believing in him. They wouldn’t have accused him of screwing up a mission, just as they’d never accused him of being responsible for Callie’s death.

Speaking of his mother, she must have been watching, because she stepped out onto the porch, too. Good. Saved him from having to call her to come out.

Courtney became even more wary at Mrs. Logan’s appearance, though he could see her resignation at having to deal with his family’s hostility. Once she’d been their darling. It had taken Knox a long time to figure out why. And to realize why he’d married her. He sure as hell wished he’d known then what he knew now. Hindsight and all that. It would have saved a lot of heartache.

“Can we talk alone?” Courtney asked the moment he reached the bottom step. She gripped the papers that would free her to marry her lover. She’d accused him of punishing her by withholding his signature. He didn’t think he was, but honestly, maybe his pride was rebelling.

“No, there’s something I need to say, and I want my family to hear it.”

Her eyes fluttered in preparation for what she must have thought would be a rebuke. “Fine. Have your say. I’m a filthy, cheating whore. Isn’t that right? I cheated on a man who was off risking his life for our country. I’m the worst sort of woman.” Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as she took in his brother and then his mother. “I let you all down.”

His mother had told him that was the sentiment in their small town. Despite the defuckle, he was considered a hero. He had made one appearance at a welcome-back gathering, but other than that, he’d sequestered himself at the ranch.

Knox leaned against the railing, meeting Courtney’s gaze. “I let
you
down long
before you ever cheated.”

“Knox, don’t you let her off the hook,” his mother said.

He didn’t take his eyes off Courtney. “You remember when we started dating, how everyone said we were so perfect together? They put all these expectations on us.”

She nodded, her eyes filled with raw hope that he was going to exonerate her. “Homecoming king and queen. And everyone writing in my yearbook how they expected to be invited to the wedding.”

“So we gave them what they wanted without thinking about what we wanted. Or needed. Hell, we were kids. We didn’t even know what we wanted. We only knew what we should want: the white picket fence, two point five kids, a nice little life. But what you needed was a husband who was there emotionally. Now I know I was never going to be the guy who could give you that. I’m just not capable of it.”

Soft, quiet tears ran down Courtney’s face. “I knew it sounded shallow, wanting a guy who was there for me while you were off at war. No one would understand that you weren’t here even when you were
here
. When I tried to bring it up, you just got angry and accused me of trying to change you.”

“That was me being too young and reacting out of guilt.” He’d grown up fast in the SEALs, though, and had spent a lot of his precious downtime trying to figure out his marriage.

“I knew you were an introvert, that you needed to go off by yourself sometimes. I was okay with that. I knew that you hold a part of yourself deep inside, even back in high school. You were the unreachable, untouchable Knox.”

He’d never heard that before. “I was?”

She nodded. “But
I
was going to be the one to reach you. Because I was seventeen and invincible. Like you said, we were kids. What did I know about reaching a man’s heart when he’d buried it so deep? Heck, I still don’t know.” She glanced at his mother, then back to him. “I suspect it has something to do with your sister’s death. I tried to make it right somehow. But I couldn’t.”

Knox brushed her tears away. She was close to the truth. “You tried.”

“Even when I told you I’d cheated, I wanted you to react, to show that you felt something for me. I would have taken angry. Hurt. I was hoping you’d fight for us.”

Guilt pounded at him for not being able to give her even that. He had fought for his country. He had put a gun to a naval officer’s head and demanded that he turn around and pick up his team when the fucker was going to hightail it because there was gunfire in the area. He would have put his life on the line for any of those guys, and he’d do it for Courtney, too. But he couldn’t put his heart on the line for her. Or anyone.

His mother pulled out the little package of tissue she always kept in her pocket and handed it to Courtney. Thankfully without saying anything.

“You had every right to find what I couldn’t give you. I hope you and your guy are happy together. You deserve that.” Knox held out his hand, and it took her a moment to realize he was asking for the papers. Her hands were shaking as she handed them to him.

“You mean that, don’t you?” she asked, disbelief clear on her pretty face.

“Yeah, I do.” There was a pen clipped to the top. She’d thought of everything. He laid the papers on the railing and signed, then handed them back to her.

She gave him a quick, hard hug. “Thank you,” she whispered, and started down the steps. Then she turned back. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, too, Knox. I hope you find the woman who can reach you.
You
deserve that.”

No, he didn’t, but he nodded.

Nobody spoke until she’d gotten in her car. Then they started in. “You let her off too easy,” his mother said.

“Hell, you took the blame for the whole thing. You let her have the house, the car you bought for her.” Ethan shook his head in disgust. “All you get out of the deal is your plane.”

The plane was plenty. Knox kept his gaze on the driveway, watching her car disappear. “It
was
my fault. I didn’t marry her because I loved her the way a man should love a woman he’s thinking about marrying.” Not the kind of passion he heard about in country songs or the hot lust he heard about in pop songs. Hell, he’d never felt that with anyone.

His mother stepped up beside him. “Are you saying you married her because everyone expected it? You weren’t the kind of kid who gave in to peer pressure.”

He turned to face her. “I married her for you and Dad.” He might have laughed at
the total shock on her face if he could find a speck of humor in all of this. “She brought you two out of your depression. When she was around, you smiled, laughed. It was the first time I’d seen you do that since Callie’s death. I wanted to give that back to you more than anything. So I did, in the only way I could.”

His mother put her hand over her mouth. “Oh, Knox …”

He’d only recently come to realize that Courtney’s coloring was similar to Callie’s, and that maybe his parents—consciously or not—saw her as a grown-up version of the daughter they’d never get to see grow up. Knox had married her out of guilt, and that was the biggest travesty he’d committed, as far as she was concerned. She had married him, hoping to change him. Two kids without a clue.

“Please don’t vilify her anymore. Tell your friends and your hairdresser and everyone else who loves sticking their noses into other people’s business that it wasn’t her fault. That we were just the wrong people to get married and were too young to know better. That’s all they need to know.”

He headed into the house before his mother could get any nosier. The smell of pork chops filled the air, but he wasn’t really hungry. Callie’s face stared at him from several of the walls covered in collections of family photographs. He and Ethan as gangly kids, Callie a toddler, their parents happy in their understated way. They’d never been lighthearted people, all about working hard and producing results.

His gaze fell on pictures of him and Ethan competing in various rodeos. One of Knox’s belts was framed above a picture of him getting launched off a bucking horse. Although those were the post-Callie days, her pictures were still scattered throughout that timeline.

Like him, she’d loved wandering off to explore their vast property. When he’d started to head off toward the creek that day, she wanted to tag along. He’d told her to bug off. He had plans to meet a girl, the daughter of a neighboring rancher. It would be the first time for both of them; he’d stolen a condom from his older brother’s stash. Like any fourteen-year-old, he’d been so focused on getting laid—or, more precisely, getting rid of his burden of virginity—he hadn’t noticed that Callie was following at first. Soon he ditched her. Left her alone to fall into the creek and drown.

Knox made himself move on to the big, airy kitchen, where his father was cutting
onions. He paused in his chopping. “Don’t you look like a bucket of fun. Find any problems out there today?”