Wilde Velvet (13 page)

“What do you mean, more suited?”

“It’s just I’m not around and with everything that’s going on. I just feel like I wouldn’t be a very good maid of honour. You deserve to have the most perfect day, and you deserve to have a maid of honour, who is gonna be there to help you in a way that a maid of honour is supposed to.”

“I’m really proud of you for the way you’ve changed your life. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that I have missed you so much that it hurts. If you feel that you don’t deserve to be my maid of honour, then take some time off, come home and help me plan my wedding.”
her voice is shaky I know that she is choking back tears. I hate doing this. I hate that she makes me feel guilty for moving on.

“Mom I can’t.”

“Ashley, I know why you’re holding back. It’s because of Brandon, isn’t it?”

“Moving away from you was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. You know my reasons
, and I hope you can understand how hard it’s gonna be for me to come back there.”

“
Of course I understand, but Brandon isn’t around anymore. He’s outta your life. Stop using him as an excuse.”
her words are firm, almost hurtful. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. I know she’s right. I do use Brandon as an excuse. But how can I not when he hurt me so badly.

My mom and I talk for a bit and then we hang up. Saying our goodbyes and telling each other how
much we love the other is heart wrenching. I really miss my mom. I am really anxious about going back to Dallas. It’s a negative city and I have terrible memories of living there. But my mom loves that city, and I could never miss her wedding. I just don’t know how I am going to get there. I have come so far and my mom is right, Brandon isn’t around anymore. He can no longer hurt me. It’s not entirely him that I am scared of. I am scared of myself. I am terrified that I will go back to being the girl that I used to be. I am scared that Dallas is going to relight that burning fire in me. I have come so far. I am not going to ruin what I have spent a year building. Going back to Dallas will be a test for me. It will either make me, or break me. I have to be brave and face my demons. 

The air
in my room is hot, and the soft feather pillows feel really good against my cheek. I have images of Jonathon, and a terrifying one Brandon, rushing through my mind as I fall into a deep sleep.

“Ashley, come here!” He shouts in his deep, southern accent. I immediately pull myself out of the
car, and walk across the parking lot towards Brandon. Today is an important day for him. He has been working towards this Saturday evening for so long. Every minute of his time has been consumed by planning. This meeting –or drop off as I like to call it, needs to go off without a hitch. Nothing can go wrong. Brandon doesn’t have a run-of-the-mill job. He dabbles in a lot of things. Not all of them good. When I first met Brandon, he worked for a guy called, Jacob. I don’t know how to describe him. I guess if you think ‘Goodfellas or The godfather’ then you know exactly what kind of guy Jacob is. Brandon broke away from him and started out on his own. Now Brandon is the leader and Jacob works for him. It was a long and tough rise to the top for Brandon. He had to do thing’s Jacob’s way for a while. That included robberies, club raids, muggings and drug dealing. I wasn’t around for that period of his life. I just came into the picture once he rose to the top of the gang-leader ladder. I never witnessed the things that he used to get up to. I know they were very real, but something inside of me ignored them because of the way I feel about him. Brandon is everything that I ever wanted and on paper he is perfect, but I wish that our relationship were perfect. Perfect is something that he and I will never have. How can I describe our relationship? That’s such a tough question. I close my eyes and I remember the first time I saw him. He was amazing. It was love at first sight. It wasn’t just me that felt it. Brandon tells me every day that in that first moment that our eyes meet across the bar, that he knew that he wanted me. He swept me off of my feet. He took me to all the best restaurants. He treated me like a princess and bought me everything that I desired. He had illegal money to burn, and I had no worries in burning it for him. I had everything, from the latest ‘Birkin’ to driving his ‘Escalade’. I was never used to being treated this way and it seduced me. I didn’t mind that Brandon was going out and selling drugs or robbing old ladies, so that we could have a luxurious lifestyle. But the perks had their downfall. Brandon wasn’t the guy that I thought he was. He was aggressive. I saw him beating on one of his workers. It wasn’t a pretty sight, and then I started to be the focus of his aggression. He started to beat me, the way he would a punch bag. I have had bruises on every part of my body. I have scars and not just physical ones. He mentally tortured me. He made me feel small and worthless. I was his possession, one that he was free to do whatever the hell he wanted with. I accepted his abuse, I was submissive. I felt that it was karma, you know. I didn’t bat an eyelid at what awful things he was doing. I ignored it and cashed in on the perks. I am a terrible person, I know that. I can never be forgiven for the role I played in so many tragedies. I know it’s a pathetic excuse, but I put what I did, down to loving him. With every beating, there would be the soothing moment after it. He would get me a drink, scotch or vodka. He would sit me down, force me to drink and then he would pull me into his arms. I would be crying and terrified of his acid touch. He would gently stroke my hair and tell me that he was sorry and that it would never happen again. His dark eyes consumed me and I was in love with him. I believed him. I let myself forgive him. I believed his lies, every time they passed from his dangerous lips. I gave myself to him in every way possible. I was under his control. He made me believe that my family and friends were out to get us. That if they knew what he did, they wouldn’t understand. He claimed that they would rat on him and that I would be brought down with him. The only friends I have are the other girlfriends of Brandon’s colleagues. They are treated the same way as I am. Battered and then paid off with expensive gifts. This isn’t a life, it’s a living hell.

I have no relationship with my mom. We haven’t spoken in four months. It’s awful. I hate being away from my family, but I know that there’s no other way. I
can’t be around my mom, Brandon would never allow it. The thought of what he would do if he caught me even thinking about seeing my mom, is unthinkable. My mom and my friends have tried to make me see sense. They didn’t know the extent of my relationship with Brandon, but they aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on, when they see me with a black eye and bruises on my arms. They would never say what they thought; I guess it was too tough. They uttered subtle messages, telling me that Brandon was wrong for me. I didn’t pay attention. I ignored their pleas. In the end, it was easier for me to stay away from them. If I didn’t see them, then I wouldn’t have to face their questions or opinions.

My life is a mess, I am broken and I
’m in love with a thug. How can I break free of him?

I walk across the lot. He has a bulky guy at each side of him. He looks tense, furious even. I reach him. He turns to me, nostrils flared and hands shaking.

“What is wrong with you? I asked you to stay in the car.” I sigh. Here he goes.

“Baby, you asked me to come over.”
he screams and lunges towards me. He grabs onto my shirt, clasping a fistful of my skin. It hurts. Tears are welling in my eyes from the sting. I feel helpless. I am pathetic.

“Don’t talk down to me, don’t you ever talk down to me. You’re just my bitch, nothing more.”
he screams, eyes raging, lips quivering. I am terrified of him.

“I’m sorry,” I say in a broken voice. He laughs at me. He loves to see me helpless. It spurs him on. I hate him right now.

“Now give me your phone and get back into the car.” I nod and pull my phone out of my designer jeans. He grabs the phone out of my hand. He scratches my skin and blood starts to trickle from a long scratch. I look at him and he sniggers. He releases me with a firm push away from him. He turns back to his associates, and I slowly make my way back over to his car. I open the door and slide into the passenger seat of the luxury ‘Escalade’. It’s cold tonight and I start to shake from the temperature. I want to start the engine and blow the hot air onto my cold face, but I can’t. That sort of behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable and Brandon is already in a foul mood. Now that I have the chance to think about it, he looks really tense. He hasn’t told me the full details of tonight’s drop- off, but he isn’t usually the drop-off guy. He has minions to do that sort of thing for him. Tonight must be high priority. I never stopped to think about his business, not tonight at least. I have so much weighing on my mind. I know that I don’t want this anymore. I love him, but I don’t want him. I don’t want to stay in this life. I want to change. I want to break free of him. I want to be … me again. I just don’t know how to leave him. He would never let me. He would follow me wherever I went. He would torture me and my family. He would make what life I have left, a living nightmare. I have messed up, I know that. I can never be forgiven for my sins. I lie awake at night, in his king-size bed praying for a way out. I tell God that I am sorry for ignoring Brandon’s behaviour, and sending my thoughts and prayers out to every one of his victims. I don’t know what to do. I wish that God would hear my prayers and answer just one of them.

“Mom, please let me in!” I scream, battering down the door. Tonight didn’t go as planned; in fact it went just about as horrible as it could have.
Brandon’s deal went sour. The cops came and I have no idea what happened to him. I am guessing that he’s been arrested. I did nothing to help him. I saw the flashing lights. I knew they were coming for us. I left before they reached us. I don’t know what came over me. Something sparked fury inside of me, and I knew that if I ever wanted to break free from Brandon, then that moment was my only chance. I took it and now I don’t know what to do. I am guessing that I need to leave town. Living in Dallas isn’t an option any more.

“Ashley, sweetie you’re shaking. What’s happened?” I leap into my moms’ arms. I start to sob. She pulls me into
the house. She escorts me into the living room. I haven’t been in this house in what seems like a lifetime. I scan the room, through my tear soaked eyes. The house looks the same as it always did. The same old sofa is centre stage. The flower print curtains are the same, the same old cushions and ornaments finish off the room. There is one change. A flat screen has replaced the old, chunky TV set. I sob again. I have missed this house. I have missed my mom. “Hunnie, please tell me what’s wrong?” My mom pleads.

“It’s over,
Brandon is in trouble and I don’t know what to do.” My mom looks worried.

“Ashley, I need you tell me what’s happened. I can’t help you unless you let me in.” I know she’s right. I need to confide in my mom. I need her more than I ever have before.

“Mom, Brandon isn’t the guy I thought he was. He has been … hurting me. I know it’s my own fault. I just loved him too much to see the real him. He’s in trouble. I think he’s been arrested. I can’t stay here in Dallas. He’ll never let me go.” My mom starts to cry and then she composes herself. She’s focused. She’s going to help me.

“Okay, we need to get you out of here.”
she starts to pace the room. I look at her. I was expecting her to be furious with me. But yet she’s calm and focused. “Think sweetie,” she says urgently. I think. I got it.

“LA,” my mom nods. She pulls me off the sofa.

“Okay, now we have to think this through. Do you think it’s safe to go and get some of your things from the apartment?”

“No, besides I don’t want anything. I don’t want any reminders of him.”

“Okay, I have some stuff up stairs. Stay here, I’ll go and get it.”

My mom drove me to the bus station. It was hard saying goodbye. I cried and she wiped away my tears. She told me to go to LA and pursue my dreams of music. I haven’t taken my moms’ advice in so long, but I am going to make sure
that’s exactly what I do this time.

I settled down into my seat in
the bus. I looked out of the window, and I saw my mom standing in the same spot that I left her in. The bus pulls away and I blow my mom a kiss. Soon, Dallas is a distant memory. Leaving is easy. It’s the part that comes next that’s tricky.

Twelve

My alarm buzzes. I wake in a pool of sweat. I was dreaming about that dreadful night, man I haven’t had that dream in a while. I wonder what set it off. My phone starts to ring, it’s Mr Wilde. I slowly pull my phone off
of the side table. I slide to answer and then I hit speaker phone. I know that today is going to be one of those
bad
days. I haven’t had one in so long, but whenever I dream about Brandon, the day that follows is always dreadful. My memories of his beatings consume me. My eyes close and I can feel the pain from his fists. I cringe. Jonathon’s voice knocks me out of my pain-fest.