Windfalls: A Novel (13 page)

Melody fixed her own hair now, or rather didn’t fix it, but instead found a new way to wreck it every week. The day after Cerise mentioned the modeling contest, Melody came home with her beautiful hair dyed midnight black, and since then she’d braided feathers and beads into a few random strands and let the rest hang like a dead mane down her back. When Cerise protested that she thought Melody had looked prettier before, Melody said that pretty sucked, that her new friends thought she looked way bad. Melody was proud of how much older than she her new friends were—girls of seventeen or eighteen, their faces smooth and hard as ceramic masks, and slouching boys already out of high school.

Melody had gone out with those friends last night. When Cerise observed it was a school night, Melody said they were only going to the library, to study for a quiz. “I thought you wanted me to get good grades,” she’d snapped. But the library closed at nine o’clock, and Cerise had stayed up until two waiting for Melody to come home. For the last hour she sat with her hand on the receiver of the phone, both willing and dreading its ring. She had considered calling someone herself—the police maybe, or another parent—but she was scared of what might happen if she got Melody involved with the law, and she cringed at the thought of waking a stranger to admit that her daughter had not yet come home. Finally, because she had to be at work at six, she went to bed, and though she had not intended to, she slept so heavily she did not hear when Melody came in.

From beyond the staff room door Cerise heard the sound of voices. She looked up from the sprawl of magazines and blinked to regain her focus.

“Exterior only,” a male voice said. “Obviously that’s all that matters to the Man with the Money, what it looks like from the street.”

The two men who pushed their way into the room were wearing work boots and canvas coveralls streaked like clown suits with a dozen different colors of paint. They brought with them a breeze of turpentine and sunshine.

“Oops,” said the taller one when he saw Cerise.

“What?” she asked, jumping up as though she’d been caught at something.

He grinned at her confusion and asked, “Are you his daughter?” His brown hair was stiff with a dusting of white paint that made him look prematurely aged, although for a moment Cerise saw the boy he must have been, quick and brash in torn jeans, his hair cowlicked into confusion, his smile melting stones.

“What?” she said again, standing awkwardly in front of him, hating how she could never find the right words in time. But the man laughed as though she’d said something clever. “That’s right—not who, but what. The Man with the Money. Herr Doctor Director. Mr. Harding—that’s what.”

“He’s my boss.”

“I knew you were too pretty to be his daughter,” he answered, while the other guy dug into his pocket for soda change.

He studied her for another moment, then said, “Hey—he’s my boss, too.” He turned to his buddy. “Doesn’t that mean she and me’re related?”

Spreading his arms wide as though he were going to fling them around her, he said, “Sweetheart, remember me? Your favorite long-lost uncle Jake! Come here and give Uncle Jakie a great big hug.”

But Cerise ducked his embrace. Tossing her empty can into the box by the machine, she said, “I got to get to work,” and left, letting the staff room door swing shut on the sound of the men’s laughter.

The apartment was empty when Cerise got home from work, although Melody’s presence blared in the mess she’d left behind—clothing draped over the sofa, dishes strewn across the floor, schoolbooks stacked unopened on the coffee table. A note on top of the books said she was at the library, studying. It was signed, “Love Melody,” like a command.

Cerise kicked her shoes off beside the door and crossed the room to turn on the TV. An image bloomed obediently on the screen, a pulsing montage of soft drinks and gaping mouths. She stood watching it, dazed by its flood of pep and urgency, until finally her own thirst drove her to the kitchen.

When she opened the refrigerator and saw that her six-pack of diet colas was gone, her immediate thought was to go buy more. But then she remembered she’d given the last of the grocery money to Melody so she could buy the leather boots she’d put on layaway last October.

“What were you thinking?” Cerise had asked when Melody told her she would lose the deposit if she didn’t pay the balance that week, “to put something that expensive on layaway?”

“I had to,” Melody said, her voice heavy with contrived patience, as though she were explaining something to a stupid child. “I didn’t have the money at the time.”

“You don’t have the money now, either.”

“It’s only twenty more,” Melody pleaded. “Otherwise I’ll lose the eighty-five I’ve already paid.”

“Eighty-five,” Cerise echoed, thinking of rent, of the electric bill, of all she still owed the dental school. But when she gave Melody the money, Melody had flung her arms around her, hugging her so warmly and treating her with such friendliness for the rest of the evening that it was almost like old times once again.

Cerise ran a glass of tap water and fixed a bologna sandwich for herself. She carried her meal out to the coffee table, sat down on the sofa, and rummaged beneath the blankets for the remote. These days, with the TV as her sole companion at meals, it sometimes crossed her mind to get out the crayons and color while she ate. But when she imagined Melody’s contempt if she were to come home and find her mother coloring, she always chose the television instead.

She took a bite of sandwich and began to surf, pausing to watch a news segment about a missing teenager. The newscasters said the girl had last been seen the evening before, climbing onto a motorcycle with a man she’d met at the party she’d snuck out after her curfew to attend. The newscasters’ smooth faces held practiced little furrows of concern as they said the police were asking the public to help in their widening search.

Some talk about the stock market came on next, but Cerise was too overcome to bother to change the channel. It made her panicky to think what Melody might be doing at that very minute, where she might be instead of at the library. There were hundreds of ways that Melody could be killed, thousands of ways for her life to be ruined, and what scared Cerise most was that Melody didn’t seem to care. These days it seemed that Melody’s life meant more to Cerise than it did to Melody herself.

She should quit work, Cerise thought as she stared at the TV screen where a woman and a man ran toward each other across a flower-spangled meadow. Melody needed someone to keep an eye on her. She needed someone to insist she did her homework, to see she got to school every day, got home on time at night. She needed someone to be there for her, to listen like the articles and news shows said parents were supposed to listen to their teens. Things hadn’t been easy for Melody, Cerise knew that—growing up with no money and no father, in a crummy apartment with a mother who was always working extra hours, who was always tired.

She felt a stab of remorse, remembering the times Melody had been sick and had to stay home by herself because if Cerise missed another day at work, she wouldn’t be able to pay the rent. Occasionally there had been a friend to check in on her, or, before Rita and Fred moved to Florida, Rita would sometimes stop by on her lunch hour to see that Melody was okay. But mostly Melody had had to endure her fevers, colds, and flus alone, watching daytime TV and eating her solitary lunches from cracker boxes and soup cans.

She should quit her job, Cerise thought as the couple on the TV screen met in the middle of the meadow. Now, before it was too late, she should devote everything to Melody. They could make popcorn together, could watch the late-night shows. Cerise would try to help Melody with her homework. She would get to know Melody’s new friends. They could eat their meals together again, family style.

But then her thoughts began a circle as familiar and as endless as the paths she mopped through Woodland Manor’s halls—for hadn’t she already devoted everything to Melody? Hadn’t she lived these last fourteen years for Melody alone? Hadn’t every hour of overtime been for Melody—to feed her, to pay for shelter, to buy her clothes? Hadn’t she already done everything she could for Melody?

Besides, quitting work meant going back on welfare. Cerise watched as a squad of cartoon roaches fled from a giant can of bug spray. She felt the slump of defeat the thought of the welfare office always caused in her, its grubby rooms crowded with strangers as intent on their own needs as people in the betting hall at a racetrack. She remembered the rules, the stacks of forms, remembered the stream of weary caseworkers who all ignored the fact that her meager list of monthly expenses always came to more than her benefits ever did. Some of them were kind and some were mean, but all of them made sure to warn her that if she failed to report any extra income she could be sent to jail, and not one of them ever asked how she was able to cover the difference. She remembered how necessary it had been to accept Rita’s grudging help, and thought how unlikely it would be to get more help from Rita now.

And what would it teach Melody anyway, Cerise asked herself as the roaches writhed and died, if she were to go back on welfare? Especially now, when every argument about Melody’s blighted future swung back to Cerise’s failed past, quitting her job and going back on welfare—even for Melody’s sake—would only prove Melody’s point.

It was the gunning of an untuned car that tore her from her sleep. Her half-eaten sandwich had fallen to the floor, and the apartment was dark, lit only by the TV and the streetlight outside the window. Her body ached from sleeping on the sofa and her brain felt glued shut, but she rose and moved unerringly across the room. She opened the door to find Melody standing in front of her, her head lolling to one side so that her black hair hung over her shoulder like a ragged shawl.

“You okay?” Cerise croaked through her sleep-drenched throat. Something about Melody looked so wrong that for a moment Cerise reinhabited the night Melody’s fever had risen to 105 and she had woken to find the body of her toddler daughter jerking on the sweaty sheets, her eyes rolled up into her skull as though she were looking inside her own brain.

“’m fine,” Melody slurred, swaying vaguely in some private breeze.

“What’s happened?” Cerise asked, the sound of the fear in her own voice pricking her into a painful wakefulness.

The light from the bulb above the door lost itself in the blackness of Melody’s hair. She stumbled against the door frame and mumbled, “Nothin’.”

A few moths battered their soft bodies against the lightbulb above their heads while the realization of what it was that each of them was facing seeped through Melody’s daze and Cerise’s exhaustion. Finally Melody flicked her hair back from her face in an awkward parody of the gesture she performed effortlessly a hundred times a day, and said in a thick voice, “Oh. You’re up.”

Cerise stood in the doorway, counting her words before she spoke them, checking under each for land mines.

“Where were you?” she asked.

“At the library. You mind turning off the tube? I wanna go to bed.”

Melody pushed past her to tumble down on the sofa, and Cerise smelled the gluey-sweet scent of alcohol in her wake. She groped for the light switch on the wall beside the door, and a harsh brightness scoured the room. Melody squinted and gave a lopsided scowl. When she bent over and began to wrestle with her new boots, Cerise saw long gashes scratched into the leather of their shafts.

“What happened?” she asked, teetering between fear and anger. “Your boots are ruined.”

Melody yanked a boot loose and almost lost her balance. But when she lifted her head to face her mother, her voice was tight with impatience. “You mind?” she said. “I’m tired. I wanna go to bed.”

On Melody’s neck and chest beneath her misbuttoned blouse, Cerise saw bruises, red bruises like crushed roses where someone had sucked her daughter’s blood to the surface of her skin. She said, “It looks like you’ve already been to bed.”

The TV screen was suddenly filled with a woman’s face. Her brow was crowned by the tiniest frown, her mouth curved in the tenderest smile. Between her lips, her teeth were smooth as well-kept fingernails. Then she vanished, and in her stead a car sped along a road that hugged an ocean cliff. Light glinted off the car’s bumper and rear window, off the surface of the road and the distant waves. For a moment mother and daughter were lost in that image, traveling together up that sleek road.

“What?” said Melody, as she tried to twist out of her jacket. “Wha’d you say?”

“I said, It looks like you’ve already been to bed.”

That time the words reached Melody. She craned her neck to check her chest and clutched belatedly at the collar of her shirt as though she might still hide the love bites from her mother. But then she shrugged. Facing Cerise defiantly, she asked, “So?”

“Have you been sleeping with someone?” Cerise asked.

“What do you think?” Melody asked from beneath the screen of dead-black hair as she bent to battle with her other ruined boot.

“Who?”

“Back off, okay? It’s my body. Jus’ because nobody wants to sleep with you.”

“Melody. You’ve got to listen. I—”

“I—I—I. Fuck you.” The boot gave, and Melody jerked backward. She raised her face to glare at her mother. “What the fuck do you know? At least I know about birth control. When you were my age, you were pregnant.” She spat the word out like a curse.