Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (5 page)

It didn’t work. After a month had passed, I realized that he wasn’t reading them. In fact, I became conscious of his irritation when I discovered the pink card crumpled in the trashcan. My disappointment turned to annoyance. But I remained resolute to see my self-appointed mission through to the end.

Thus, the battle of two strong-willed people commenced. It wasn’t pretty. Over the years, I became a specialist in spiritual ambush. My poor guy. Our poor marriage.

I know this kind of coercion can be common in an unequally yoked home. That’s because we are desperate for our spouse to come to faith. When that doesn’t happen right away,
we decide to take matters into our own hands and we do some really stupid things that never work.

One day not long ago, I was curious what other wives tried in order to win their husbands to Christ. So I asked my blogging friends this question: “Can you please share with us some of the crazy, zany, stupid, waste-of-time efforts you undertook to save your husband?” Here are just a few of the responses we received:

Tina:
The main thing I can remember doing is leaving my Bible out and open or leaving one of my Bible studies nearby, so he could see it. Unfortunately, he’s not as nosy as me and never even paid any attention to what I was doing!

Tish:
I signed up at church to read the Bible through in a year and decided I would do it aloud in bed with my husband listening to every word. Boy, did that go over like a load of bricks.

Stacy:
I never did anything crazy . . . probably he would see them as annoying . . . leaving the Bible or devotionals open to certain pages . . . articles left lying in strategic places . . . and . . . the Post-it notes. Don’cha just love how those come in so many colors? I always try to pick the colors that stand out. :) I do admit to using the Post-its still . . . but it’s more for me now. But, of course, anyone else is welcome to read it.

Tamara:
I did a lot of zany things: (1) Left brochures on his night table and then I got angry when he put his auto magazines on top of the brochures without reading them. (2) Invited my Christian friends over to
try to convert him. (3) Played my worship songs until he left the room. (4) Here is something I still do and what I really need to stop—My husband will ask me a simple question about faith and I get on my soapbox and have a sermon. He usually turns away after a few minutes and complains, “Honey, I only wanted an answer, not a sermon.” Then I am insulted that he isn’t more impressed with my “wise” words.

I laugh out loud when I read some of these. I guess it gives me comfort to know I am not alone. The point I want to make here is this: Our hearts are in the right place. We deeply desire an honest and full salvation experience for our unbelieving spouse. However, our controlling nature can often get in the way of that experience; and in fact, our manipulations in the name of Christ often backfire.

Unbelieving husbands find themselves in a strange place when it comes to our faith. Many men feel threatened by this “new man” in our life. They can’t see Him, let alone compete. Read what one wife, Angela, shared about her husband:

When I returned to the Lord, I was on fire and even wrote an email to all my friends and family about my new discovery of God’s forgiveness and grace. My husband and I had been married for about three years and I had just graduated from college. We didn’t have kids yet. I was involved with a local church and attended every time I could. My husband would make comments to make it clear he was feeling neglected and wanted me to spend time with him. I pretty much let him know that if he wanted to spend time with me, he would need to go to church with me. That did not go over too well at all. In the end, it just made him feel like he had to compete with God for my affection. One day
he even told me this—He said it was not fair because if it were any other guy, he could just show up at his house, punch him and tell him to stay away. But in this case he couldn’t compete. He seemed so rejected and defeated when he told me this that it was like a punch in the gut for me. That is when I realized I was handling the entire situation wrong. (Of course, that did not stop me from doing other little stupid things along the way!) Now I’ve learned the best thing to do is love him unconditionally and pray for him. But it has taken me quite a few years, tears and silly crazy mistakes to get to this point.

Angela’s words ring with truth, and I can tell you after years of working with unequally yoked women that many of our men feel this way. And, to top it off, we wives feel exactly like Angela. At some point, we’ve discovered that we’ve wasted too much time and endured unnecessary heartache.

I made multiple blunders while stuck in my ambush way of thinking. My husband and I were both miserable due to the constant pressures and conflict, which I had created. Of course, all my efforts to save my husband were fruitless. Duh! Then several years ago, I heard Christ speak to my heart. He clearly reminded me that my husband’s salvation would be for His glory and not my own. Whoa, I needed that reality check. That is the day I quit placing religious tracts on my husband’s pillow. I refrained from engaging him in conversations that would force a discussion of faith. Those feeble attempts were actually pushing my husband further away from finding Christ.

In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve had eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, the Lord appeared to
them and stated that there would be a curse put on them because of their sin. Look at this passage in Genesis:

You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you (Gen. 3:16,
NLT
).

So, this control game started with the very first couple. You and I have a desire within us to control, and this Scripture specifically points out our desire to control our husband. However, the verse goes on to say that the husband will rule over the wife. So where in this do we find a livable balance? That’s a great question. I’m not sure I have it all figured out yet, but I have walked with the Lord and my unbelieving spouse for many years and have discovered that we can surrender our deep need for control.

How?

The key is to stop trying to save your husband and save yourself. Letting go might appear to be a scary proposition. You might be frightened to even think about releasing your husband, because you are the only believer he may encounter on a regular basis. You are likely the one person who is actively praying for him. And if you don’t show him Jesus, who will? All of this is true, yet you are underestimating the power of the Lord in your life.

When I finally let go and stopped all my foolish and unproductive efforts to save my man, two things happened. First, I discovered new freedom. A terrible heaviness I didn’t know I had been carrying lifted from my shoulders. I no longer felt the pressure to do whatever it takes to push my husband to faith. I stopped obsessing over what “activity” I should try next to force my husband toward faith. I was able to step back and finally trust God wholeheartedly with my husband’s salvation. What a relief.

Second, my husband also experienced freedom. He no longer needed to deflect my ridiculous efforts. He finally relaxed. My faith in Jesus became much less of a threat in his eyes. In a strange turn of events, he suddenly grew curious about faith, even to the point where he purchased his own Bible. He was free to discover faith at his own pace, in his own way.

For years, I had tried to be Jesus. The best thing I ever did was to get out of the way so that Jesus could be Jesus. The truth of God’s promises swallowed up my insecurity. I relinquished control and turned my man completely over to Christ. And you know what happened? An unexpected, peaceful freedom emerged in our marriage. Bickering over politics lessened. I no longer needed to always be right or to win every argument in defense of Christ. These are a few of the subtle but much-needed changes that revitalized our love.

Trusting Christ with our husband’s salvation is only one step in the journey of the spiritually mismatched. We must leave our silly and unsuccessful attempts to convert our man behind us. However, as wives, we remain vitally important to our husband’s faith journey. I have much to share with you about our fundamental role in their salvation later in the chapter but before we get there, I have a question: How do you save yourself?

There is one answer: Jesus.

You need a vibrant and deep relationship with the Redeemer. When you love Jesus inside and out, backward and forward, morning, noon and night, you will experience a powerful kind of love. A life wrapped in the love of Jesus discovers it’s impossible to remain defeated in daily circumstances. It’s also near impossible for your family to resist. The apparent love of Christ in your life will seep out of your heart and pour into
your everyday activities. Your spouse and kids will feel it; they will notice and they will respond.

Like any relationship, cultivating friendship, intimacy and love requires time. It’s the same with our Lord. We need to spend time in His presence. I discovered the life preserver I needed to save me from myself: time alone with God.

It was during the years of marriage struggles that my mother gave me a Daily Bible. I picked it up one morning, sat down and began reading. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that very day I took a giant step into a love relationship that would forever change my life.

Every morning since, I rise early, before the rest of the house wakes. I shuffle into the kitchen, grab a steaming cup of strong coffee and head to the family room couch. There I spend the most important time of my day. I open my Bible and read God’s Word. In the pages of this book, I meet with Jesus. Every morning. And He never fails to overwhelm me with love, compassion, forgiveness and self-control—absolutely everything I need and more to face the day. He fills me up so that I can pour out love on others, and He prepares me to tackle any challenges I may face.

God’s Word is the blueprint for living a life filled with joy, fulfillment and purpose. That is the truth of this Scripture in Hebrews:

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Heb. 4:12).

God’s Word is living and active, and I will talk about it to anyone who will listen. The Word of God changed me and when I changed, my marriage was transformed in spite of the fact my husband remained a staunch unbeliever.

As I continue to read the Bible, I pray through the verses, asking God to make them real and to show me how to live them out in my ordinary life. For example, just this morning I was reading a passage in Matthew:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matt. 18:21-22).

Forgiveness is an area in everyone that always needs reminding and refining. This is especially true for those of us in an unequally yoked marriage. I remember a time when my anger at my husband reached an all-time high in the early years of our marriage. Our spiritual disconnect left me feeling hurt and alone. I was disappointed with my situation and mad at my husband.

It was during this time that I remember sitting down for breakfast with one of my friends from my Bible study group. She listened patiently as I spewed my feelings. Then she suggested we study and pray together for our husbands. I looked across the table in astonishment and thought to myself,
Didn’t she just hear a word I said?
I wouldn’t even consider doing a Bible study that might benefit this man who was the source of my unhappiness. I was filled with that much anger. In reality, I
needed
a study exactly like what my friend had suggested, coupled with a large dose of forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, and I will share more about it in
chapter 8
. For now, though, as I think back on that selfish time in my marriage, I see how reading God’s Word slowly and purposefully softened my attitude to the point where I could forgive and love with my whole heart.

The passage I read this morning filled me fresh with forgiveness. It also reminded me of the profound forgiveness granted to me through the resurrection of Christ. God’s Word
is
living.
It
is
powerful. It
can
change a heart and a marriage, and it
can
bring freedom. I know this is true because God’s Word changed little ol’ me.

Coupled with reading the Word of God, I began to pray. I struggled with purposeful prayers and distractions in the early years. Perhaps you are like me, easily distracted. I spy the dirty dishes waiting in the sink; or the dog paws at my leg and whines, wagging his tail, hoping I will get up to feed him. There are a thousand and one things vying for my attention.

However, I found a solution to my mind wandering: a simple and inexpensive journal. Writing out sentences in long hand brings my eyes and thoughts down to a single page. I leave the distractions of the room and focus on the paper and the words I am forming. I think clearly about the words I am offering in prayer. After writing a page or two, I find myself leaving the journal and speaking words.

Another benefit of prayer journaling is revisiting some of my old prayers. My soul swells when I see the faithfulness of God in how He answered my prayers, large and small, with His ingenious wisdom and great care. When the Lord doesn’t answer a prayer the way I anticipated, I am often amazed to realize He had something different in mind, and His ways are always the best ways.

Sitting down with purpose and a prayer journal is just the beginning. What we pray, however, is what matters the most.

Every morning I hold my husband in prayer, asking our great God for his salvation. I pray for his protection from the enemy. I ask the Lord to send godly men into his life. I cover his life
with words spoken over every aspect of his career, health, parenting—every detail.