Wisdom Seeds (19 page)

“What exactly are you afraid of?” He sounded genuinely concerned.

I turned off the teakettle and intentionally sat on the couch instead of sitting on the stool next to him. “Us. This. Sometimes I feel like we're playing family. Josh is getting so attached to you. I heard him call you daddy. I have to think about him.”

“Is this about Josh or is it about you?” He sat next to me on the couch and took my hand.

I didn't answer.

“I'm not playing Dani. I think about you and Josh all the time. I'd like to move forward.”

“What do you mean when you say move forward?”

“I think we're good together. I'd like for this to be serious. Where do you see us going?” He had a way of putting it back on me and I hated it.

“I want to make sure I don't get hurt again.”

“Life gives no guarantees.” He turned my face toward him. “I don't ever plan to hurt you or Josh.”

I smiled and he kissed me. When he tried to pull back, I kissed him because I didn't know how else to respond.

“My sister is getting married in two weeks,” he said playing with my fingers, “and I'd like you and Josh to come home with me.”

My throat went dry. I was nervous, no I was petrified. He had already been married and I already had a baby. What would his parents think of me? The more I thought about meeting his family, the more my stomach knotted.

“Jason, I'm afraid,” I repeated getting up from the couch not wanting to look at him. I turned the teakettle back on.

His tone changed. “What do you mean afraid?”

“I don't think that's a good idea,” I said, still afraid to look at him. “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry?” His voice was agitated. “That's lame and
it's not enough. What's going on, Dani?”

Numb, and angry with myself, I had no words. I was staring out the kitchen window and Jason was standing behind me.

“Why are you stringing me on? It's been three months and you still change the subject when I want to talk about us. I've given you time. Are you still in love with Greg?”

“No,” I whimpered, “it's not that at all.”

“Well, what is it? I keep trying! I'm doing everything I can. You seem happy. You don't seem to mind perpetrating as a happy family. Is it only an act?”

I wanted to answer, but I didn't know what to say.

“I've told my family I want them to meet the woman of my dreams. I thought that was you. Is it?”

“Jason it's complicated,” I said finally looking at him.

“What's more complicated than me loving you and you keeping me at a distance? You think you're the only one who's been hurt? My heart's been broken before Dani – it wasn't you who was unfaithful to me. You happen to be the one I want to start over with. You and Joshua. I can't force you Dani, what's it going to be? No more games.”

I had never seen him angry before.

“Or, is it that you're still in love with Greg? Are you waiting for him to come back riding on a white horse to sweep you off your feet and carry you off to his castle? Will you be waiting if he does?”

His eyebrows met and his words were cutting. I should have refuted his allegations. I stood motionless, fighting back tears and wishing he would stop staring at me waiting for a response. No words would come. My mind raced and searched for something to say. He was right. He loved me and I was pushing him away. The room became
hot and the air seemed to thin out.

“I'll tell you what,” he finally said walking away from me, “let me know when you stop waiting.”

He got his coat and went into Josh's room. He kissed him and told him goodbye. He never said good-bye to him – it was always goodnight or I'll see you later. He came out of the room and walked out the door. I wanted to run after him and beg him not to leave. Unable to speak or move, I listened as he walked down each step outside my door. The teapot was whistling and I didn't realize I was crying until Joshua hugged me around my legs. “Don't cry Mommy,” he said smiling at me. “Don't cry.”

I put Josh back to bed and called Denise. She volunteered to come over before I asked.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Denise was on a roll as I opened the door. “You get a man, a good one at that, and you just let him walk away. You're crazy, you need help!”

“This is not why I called you,” I interrupted her.

“I know why you called,” she continued. “You called because you just can't believe how stupid that was. Girl he loves you, he loves your son, his nails are clean, his shoes are polished, he's never been in a gang or in jail, he doesn't have diamond studs in his front teeth, he can spell your name and you don't have to correct his love letters!”

“Okay, okay I'm stupid!” The tears came and I slumped to the floor. “What's wrong with me?”

“You've seen Cinderella one time too many and you still feel guilty.” Denise's voice was calmer as she sat down next to me. “Dani, Greg is not coming back for you and he doesn't care about Josh. He's probably drowning himself in a bottle somewhere hoping you never show up with this baby.”

I buried my face in my hands and tried to keep from
hyperventilating. Her words were like salt in an open wound.

Denise put her arm around me. “Girl, you gotta move on. I know you love Jason. Stop fighting it. Tell me you don't love him.” She was smiling.

“He makes me laugh. He's comfortable. Josh really likes him.”

“Do you love him?” Denise was persistent. “I think you love him.”

“I think I do too,” I confessed. “But I think I blew it.”

“So what are you going to do?” Denise took the dishtowel out of my hand and stood to finish drying the dishes.

“I don't know. Any suggestions?”

She smiled. “You could start by calling him and admitting it was temporary insanity.”

“Do you think he'd come to dinner? I could make smothered pork chops, his favorite.”

“Girl, if you act right, it won't matter what you make for dinner!”

After Denise left it took me almost an hour to find the box of stationary Mom gave me for Christmas. I typed a formal dinner invitation so I could mail it the following morning.

You are cordially invited
to be the honored guest of Danielle Allen
who requests the opportunity to apologize
and have dinner.
Your favorite meal is being served
Saturday evening at 6:30.

Denise had plans for Saturday evening so Elaine and Tyrone agreed to baby-sit. I dropped Josh off at three o'clock and went home to start cooking. By five o'clock I convinced
myself Jason wouldn't come. He avoided me on campus and hadn't called all week.

The doorbell rang at five minutes after six. I closed my eyes, paused and took a deep breath before opening the door.

“I'm so sorry,” I announced. “I've been foolish, well actually stupid. I'm very sorry.”

He wouldn't look at me. “Can I come in or do I have to stand out here?”

“Of course you can. You're the guest of honor.”

“Where's Josh?” He walked past me looking for the usual sign of toys.

“Elaine and Tyrone are babysitting.”

He put his coat over the back of the couch.

I picked it up and hung it in the closet. “I need to talk to you.”

“I've missed Josh. I was looking forward to seeing him.” He was ignoring me.

I went into the kitchen. “He's missed you, too. And so have I.”

“Have you really?” He joined me in the kitchen.

“I turned off the green beans and looked him in the eyes. “Yes, I really have.”

“How much?” He finally smiled.

I kissed him lightly on his lips.

Jason pulled me toward him and kissed me. He held me tight and close, like our bodies would mesh. “I really, really do love you. This has been the longest and worst week of my life.”

“I love you Jason. I'm so sorry I hurt you.” The flood of tears came. He held me while I cried. “I'm so afraid,” I confessed. “It's so good what we have. I don't ever want to lose that. I don't ever want to hurt again.”

“I love you and I love Josh, too.” He lifted my chin
so our eyes met. “Will you give us a chance?”

“I'm afraid Jason. My life is so messed up. I'm broke, robbing Peter to pay Paul, I already have a baby, I'm afraid someone with no baggage will come along and take you away from me. What if Greg does come back? I'm not in love with him, but should I let Josh see him? Should I tell Josh who he is?”

“How long will you punish yourself for not being with Greg? That's over. We can start fresh and new with each other. We can put our pieces together. I want to help you, Dani. You don't have to want for anything. I'm willing to make this work.”

I made love to Jason for the first time. Then we showered together and finally ate dinner at nine-thirty.

“Dani, I should be apologizing.” He put his fork down, reached across the table and took my hand. “I don't want this to be about sex. My marriage was based on sex. Whenever we had a problem, we had sex. When we should have talked, we had sex. We never really got to know each other. After we were married I realized there was more to love than having sex.”

We played footsies under the table.

“I really want to know you and I want you to know me.” He put his fingers in between mine. “Now don't get me wrong, tonight was incredible and it will be harder now that I, uh – you know the old saying – you can't miss what you never had.”

I blushed and let him keep talking.

“I'm going to try really hard not to make sex the focus of this relationship.” He paused. “That is until you marry me.”

“My dad would probably give you a dowry for me.”

We laughed and finished dinner. It was almost
midnight when we went to get Josh.

Dr. and Mrs. Singleton left a note for us to meet them at the church and a stuffed teddy bear for Josh on their kitchen table. When we arrived at the church, Mrs. Singleton wanted Josh to sit with her during the wedding rehearsal and other members of Jason's family took turns playing with him. Maureen was busy with last minute details, but took time to welcome me. Adrienne made a point to let me know that Jason told her all about me. Jason's sisters were very friendly so I assumed that everything he told them about me was good.

The conversation after the rehearsal dinner was on Jason's plans and his antics as a child. Mrs. Singleton wanted to know about me and we had the chance to talk while I helped her put food away. It was overwhelming. Jason loved me and his family was accepting. What more could I ask for?

Maureen's wedding was beautiful. The train on her dress was trimmed in pearls and sequins that glimmered in the sunlight. The wedding party wore tangerine and the church was decorated with tangerine and ivory colored bows. When the preacher asked who was giving her away, Dr. Singleton, Mrs. Singleton, Adrienne and Jason all said, “we do.” Jason kept turning around and winking at me during the ceremony. When Maureen kissed Ellis, he blew a kiss to me. The afternoon was romantic and it wasn't even my wedding.

We left the reception right after Maureen and Ellis. It was almost one-thirty in the morning when we arrived back in Columbus. Jason drove to his house.

“I thought you had a lot of work to do?” I asked as he took Josh out of his car seat. “I don't want to get in your
way.”

“I can study later.”

I stood in the doorway of his bedroom and watched Jason undress Josh. He laid him in the middle of his bed.

“Are you keeping him tonight?”

“No,” he whispered, “we both can. I was hoping you would stay.”

“Spend the night?”

“I just want to hold you, like I promised I would.”

Jason gave me a tee shirt and a pair of shorts. We sat on the couch and he held me while we attempted to watch a movie. I only remember Jason waking me to get in the bed. We left Josh in the middle, I slept against the wall and Jason slept on the other side of him. When I realized we were all in the bed, I smiled. This was family.