Witchful Thinking (36 page)

I have to admit I’m gushing over his words right now, gushing over the memories of last night. I’m like a silly girl with a high school crush. Hmmm … Jolie Balfour. That looks pretty freaking awesome …

So I’ve decided to shelve the whole bonding issue for now. One of the life lessons I’ve learned is that when things defy explanation, it’s sometimes better just to set them aside and move on rather than dwell on them and
drive yourself crazy. So, bonding situation, I’m leaving you and I’m moving on. I will not let you get in the way of my complete and total happiness regarding the fact that Rand Balfour is really mine. Finally
.

In other Jolie Wilkins thoughts of late, I’m nervous about Sinjin. That is to say, I know I have to tell him I’m with Rand—I simply won’t put up with his apparent jealousies or his constant flirty attentions. It wouldn’t be right or fair to Rand. Yes, there was a part of me and there still is a part of me that cares about Sinjin, and probably always will, but I’m not in love with him and I never have been. I wonder if I might have loved Sinjin if Rand had never been in the picture … but I’m not sure. Maybe I would have. Of course, that really doesn’t matter now
.

Nope, now I’m attached, spoken for, and I have to tell Sinjin as much. I just hope he takes it well, that it doesn’t completely destroy him. Regardless of his reaction, I absolutely have to tell him. In fact, when the sun sets, that will be my mission. I’ll tell Sinjin and then I’ll return to Pelham Manor this evening for bonding attempt number two. Ha ha ha
.

So, moving on to other topics, namely, my position as monarch of the Underworld, things seem to be at a standstill as far as the Lurkers go. Mercedes reported just this morning that our Lurker task force was still attempting to Lurker-nap one of them and that so far they’ve been unsuccessful. There also haven’t been any other attacks to report, thankfully
.

So, like that old Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald song, things
are
looking up. It
is
a great little world we live in, and that part about four-leaf clovers? Yep, that’s true too
.

I’m in love with a man who loves me, really, a man who adores me. I’m Queen of the Underworld and even though
I was really never happy with my destiny, I can say I’m happy now. In fact I’m happier than I’ve ever been
.

Six hours later, the sun was saying its last goodbye before it retired for the evening and handed over the reins to the dark cloak of night. And my heartbeat increased as I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to have to do something that I knew would hurt Sinjin. I wasn’t sure at what level it would hurt him but I hated the idea nonetheless.

Feeling like I had the weight of the Underworld on my shoulders, I left the safety of my bedroom and ventured downstairs, to the basement. I wasn’t sure if Sinjin was in his room or already out and about, but I figured his bedroom was a good place to start.

I swallowed hard as I arrived at his door and taking a deep breath, knocked. There wasn’t an answer, so after another three seconds, I knocked again.

“Looking for someone?”

I turned around and faced Sinjin, who was leaning against the wall and regarding me with amusement—a raised brow and half smile. But even though he seemed his usual, flirty self, there seemed to be a harder edge just beneath the surface—a reminder that our last run-in had been less than friendly.

“Uh, yeah, I’m looking for you actually,” I said with what I hoped was a warm smile, a smile that said our past argument was forgiven and forgotten.

Sinjin nodded, but continued lounging casually against the wall as his gaze traveled down my body from my bust to my hips.

“Why are you dressed up?” he asked.

Due to the fact that I’d planned to see Rand this evening, I was wearing tight black pants and a fitted white angora sweater that ended just at my waist.

“Um, I, uh, I’m going somewhere later,” I responded shakily.

Sinjin’s eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened. “I see.”

I felt my heartbeat increase and I was sure it had everything to do with the fact that Sinjin was looking at me like I was a piece of prime rib.

“Um, Sinjin, I … wanted to talk with you,” I started.

He shrugged, his eyes still razor sharp. “Then talk.”

I swallowed, glancing around myself. “Um, can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere a little more private?” I definitely didn’t want spectators if this whole situation erupted into something ugly.

“We can discuss your concerns in my bedroom,” Sinjin said before a wicked smile overtook his lips. “Perhaps in my bed?” He stood up straight and took a few steps toward me. “Or perchance you would like to have this conversation while my face is buried in your lovely breasts?”

I backed up. “Sinjin, stop talking like that.”

He smiled but it was acidic. It suddenly dawned on me that he knew why I was here—he had to know. He’d never treated me so callously before. It was as if he’d given up on whatever hopes he’d harbored for us.

“Like what, love?” he asked and strode past me, opening his bedroom door and disappearing inside. I looked down the hallway and, figuring that I didn’t want to get into an unpleasant conversation in the middle of my house, followed him, closing the door behind me.

“As your Queen, I demand you treat me with respect,” I finished angrily.

Sinjin chuckled, but the sound was icy. “As you wish, my monarch.”

So he was going to play the game of “Sinjin’s being an asshole,” was he? Whatever. I had one thing to say and dammit all, I was going to get it out.

“I came to tell you …,” I started.

Sinjin suddenly closed his eyes and opened his mouth, lifting his nose into the air as if he’d caught a whiff of something and, judging by the expression on his face, it was a whiff of something incredibly … good.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable as I witnessed the expression of ecstasy that was in the process of pasting itself all over his face. I wrapped my arms around myself.

He opened his eyes and their usual ice blue had deepened into something darker, something passionate. “I can smell your desire, your need.”

“Oh my God,” I said but the rest of the sentence fell off my tongue when he stood up and inhaled deeply again.

“I have smelled you before, love, but never anything as heady as this, as intoxicating.” He took another four steps, erasing any distance between us, and I found myself instinctively retreating until my back and calves met the wall. But Sinjin continued coming and when he was directly in front me, he braced his palms against the wall, trapping me between them.

“Keep away from me,” I whispered as fear began to snake through me.

Sinjin smiled, his fangs cresting his lower lip. “Your blood is calling to me, poppet.”

And then I suddenly wondered if he was picking up on my desire for Rand. I’d always known that vampires had an uncanny sense when it came to reading the emotions of their prey, and it appeared Sinjin was now reading my … lustful needs. What he hadn’t realized was that they weren’t intended for him.

“Sinjin,” I started and pushed him away from me.

“Let your fears go, love, I will not hurt you.” And he pushed his face into my neck, slamming his body into mine as I struggled to release myself.

“Get away from me, Sinjin,” I spat out, but it was as if he hadn’t even heard me. “I’m in love with Rand,
dammit!” I yelled finally, thinking it might be the only way to get him off me.

In an instant Sinjin pulled away from me. He seemed to study me, almost as if he were debating over whether or not I was being truthful. His eyes were livid, riddled with angst, and his fangs were longer than I ever remembered them.

“I … I came to tell you as much,” I said much more softly, my sentence an apology in itself. I dropped my gaze to the lush carpet so I wouldn’t have to witness the pain evident in Sinjin’s eyes.

He pulled away from me. I glanced up to find that his fangs had retracted.

“This is not news.”

I nodded and smoothed my sweater and pants down even though they really didn’t need it. “Yes, I’m aware of that but if you’d allowed me to finish, I would have told you that …” I took a deep breath and raised my chin. “I would have told you that Rand loves me as well and that we are … now … together.”

Sinjin merely nodded. There was no sign that my words had, in any way, upset him. Instead he just seemed casual—detached and indifferent.

“Then your lust is for him?” he asked and swallowed hard, his eyes suddenly boring into mine.

I didn’t say anything; simply nodded. Sinjin responded by raising a brow before turning away from me and starting for the door.

“If that is all you came to tell me, please feel free to leave.”

“Sinjin,” I said and started toward him. “I didn’t want to …”

“No,” he answered and shook his head as if he didn’t want to hear any more. But he was going to hear more. There was one more thing I had to tell him, one more subject I had to get out in the open.

“I care about you, Sinjin, I’ve always cared about you.” I paused and glanced at the floor again, summoning up my courage, forcing the words to my tongue. I looked up at him again. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” he asked and threw his head back, laughing as if I’d just told him the best joke he’d ever heard.

“Yes,” I said, my voice betraying my confusion over his bizarre response.

He stopped laughing and narrowed his gaze on mine. “You have not been paying attention, poppet.”

“Paying attention?” I repeated. “Paying attention to what?”

He shook his head like the joke was on me, like he’d just not only turned the tables but turned them upside down. “How many times did I tell you not to paint me with your ideals of who and what I should be?”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand, Sinjin.”

“That is quite apparent. It appears you never did.”

I swallowed hard. “Sinjin, what the hell are you talking about?”

His jaw tightened and he was quiet for a few seconds before he turned the full extent of his blazing eyes on me. “I am not hurt nor was I ever hurt by any of your actions.”

I felt relief bubble up inside me. “Oh, I … I’m happy to hear that. I was just concerned that maybe I …”

He chuckled and shook his head, as if to say he wasn’t finished. “You misunderstood me all along, it seems.”

“Misunderstood what?” I asked again, starting to get irritated by his attitude.

Sinjin glared at me. “In order for me to be hurt by your admission, that would require me to care about you—to have invested feelings and emotions into you, poppet. But what I have been alluding to all along, and what you have seemingly never understood, is that I do not form attachments to women, not even you.”

I felt my stomach drop. Granted, I’d hoped not to hurt
Sinjin, but I hadn’t considered the fact that he might hurt me. And the truth of the matter was that his words stung me to my core because I
had
cared about him and still did.

“But—” I quickly stopped myself. I didn’t need to get into the hows and whys of it because none of that mattered anyway. All that did matter was that Rand loved me and I loved him.

“Do not misunderstand me, poppet.” Sinjin reached for my hand, pulling me against his chest. “Yes, I have always wanted to penetrate you, and yes, I desire your body even at this moment.”

I pulled my hand out of his and pushed him away. “You’ve said enough,” I spat out and started for the door, suddenly feeling sick.

“Do not be alarmed concerning my welfare, love,” Sinjin continued and chuckled again, calling out to me from his stance in the middle of the room. “I do not care if you love the warlock or if you love the fairy, the wolf, or any other creature. You can love them all at the same time for all I care.”

I didn’t say anything else but ran the remaining few feet to the door and threw it open, slamming it behind me as I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. It hurt to know that Sinjin had never given a rat’s ass about me. But more than that, I was floored, wounded by the fact that he’d just made a total fool of me, that he’d just attempted to cut me down into nothing … that all he’d ever wanted from me was sex. What really hurt the most was that our friendship had never meant anything to him.

An hour later I was sitting in my room and thinking about how Sinjin had turned out to be such an asshole. I’d never seen it coming even though he had warned me all along. He’d told me not to paint him into something I wanted him to be, not to believe him to be a good and honorable person. And I’d stupidly attributed him with
characteristics I wanted him to have—maybe to make the fact that I did like him more bearable, more easily digestible. I’d been so stupid, so incredibly stupid.

Well, I needed to stop thinking about it, I told myself resolutely. Instead I’d focus on the fact that I was almost packed for my weekend trip to Pelham Manor, where Rand would no doubt alleviate my hurt feelings with just a kiss. The need to see him was suddenly overwhelming, suffocating.

Screw Sinjin—he could continue living like the jerk-off that he was, but he was going to do it outside Kinloch Kirk. There was no way I was going to let him continue serving as my protector after all the nasty things he’d just said to me. Maybe Klaasje would be willing to do the job herself. And on that point, I was sure Rand would be more than pleased. After all, Rand had always barely tolerated Sinjin—truly, he had been right all along. He’d always seen Sinjin for what he was—a self-centered, egotistical, childish jerk.

I threw my backpack over my shoulder and opened my bedroom door, walking down the hallway. I took the stairs two at a time, the need to see Rand consuming me. I couldn’t wait to feel his warmth, to snuggle into his broad chest and feel his incredibly muscular arms around me. I couldn’t wait to smell him, to taste his lips, and feel him inside me. I opened the front door—and Plum darted out in front of me before I could stop her.

“Dammit!” I yelled and ran after her as she hightailed it down the driveway and disappeared into the undergrowth just beside the drive. And like the responsible cat owner I was, I followed her into the savagery of the woods, trying to avoid the twigs and tree limbs as they reached out and seemed intent on snagging my brand-new sweater.