With Me (29 page)

She shakes her head, her hands holding on tight to my wrists. “Don’t do this, Joseph. Don’t make me feel guilty for leaving. You know I have to leave. My life is in Wisconsin. I have everything there, I
have
to go back.”

“No you don’t, Kasey. You can have your life here, with me,” I argue, pulling her head up to look me directly in the eyes. “Marry me, Kasey. Stay here and marry me. You wouldn’t have to live in Wisconsin. You and Josephina can have your life here with me,” I plead, the tears now building up in my eyes.

She tightens the hold on my wrists to pull my hands away from her face. I watch as she takes a step back, slowly shaking her head, her blank eyes staring back at me. “No. I’m not going to marry you simply because you want me to stay. You’re not asking me to marry you because you love me; you’re asking for your own selfish reasons, it’s not good enough,” she declares.

Reaching down, she grabs a hold of Josephina’s hand. “Good bye, Joseph. Thank you for everything,” she blankly says without any emotion to the words, and turns to walk towards the security gates, forcing me to watch her walk away. I’m shocked by her words; my body numb as I take in her denial, my heart shattering into a million pieces.

Josephina glances back one last time, tears still streaming down her face, as she slowly disappears with Kasey into the crowd. My heart feels like it’s completely stopped, refusing to beat anymore. It’s broken. I stand there feeling empty…I’ve got nothing left.

MY HEART IS aching, worse since I know my little girl feels the same way. Knowing I’m the cause of her pain, the reason why we had to walk away this time, it was a stab at the heart. A knife I plunged with my own hands into both our hearts. But it was for the best. I couldn’t stay knowing Joseph only wanted me to marry him so I’d stay. Had he asked me because he loved me, as much as I loved him, I would have said yes, without any hesitation at all. However, I knew he didn’t love me. He would’ve told me so. For that reason, I left.

The trip back to Wisconsin felt so much longer than it was. Every minute, every hour, felt as it was slowly dragging by. It felt as if we’d never get home, but when we finally did arrive, it no longer felt like home; not like before I went to San Diego with Joseph.

Joseph’s absence from my side was already affecting me, especially on the way home with my fear of flying. It took every ounce of strength and energy to keep my composure and hide my fear from Josephina while we were on the plane. I kept returning to the memory of Joseph’s kiss to help push the fear away. I would simply close my eyes, imagining his lips on my own, remembering how he calmed me the last time. I imagined him there next to me to help keep me calm, but when we finally landed, I was forced to face the reality of knowing he was no longer at my side. It tore at my heart all over again.

Josephina was very quiet on the way home, and I knew why. It was the same reason why my heart was weeping. We were both terribly missing Joseph. I wish I knew how to fix it.

JOSEPHINA IS SITTING on the couch playing with her iPad, a gloom of unhappiness on her face, which hasn’t disappeared since the day we left San Diego. The glee I was used to seeing on my little girl’s face was completely gone.

With every day that passed, it grew worse. No matter how hard I tried to cheer her up, it was hopeless. Her heart was broken, and to be honest, so was mine. I was doing a poor job at trying to conceal my sadness. It showed on my face every time I looked at her. It was a battle I was losing with myself every morning I awoke. I was mourning the loss of waking up in his arms. Some days I didn’t want to get up, but I forced myself to do so, for my Josephina’s sake.

The two weeks that have gone by have been hard on both of us. As much as I tried to occupy myself with work, Joseph was always on my mind, regardless of how hard I tried to push him away. If it wasn’t for the success of my website needing me to work harder and longer to fulfill the orders, I would have gone insane always thinking about him.

Ashley had kept her word in helping me create the website for my business and now I had to practically work around the clock to keep up with the demand I had on my hands. I couldn’t complain though, it kept me busy, but it didn’t help with Josephina. Ashley was a godsend in that department, though. She started coming by to pick her up every couple of days to spend the day with her, knowing Josephina needed the distraction to take her mind off of Joseph as well. Although it worked for those couple of hours, it didn’t take her heartache away.

Her continuous conversations via
FaceTime
with Joseph were helping, but not to completely take the sorrow away. Ironically, I was starting to look forward to his conversations as well. Hearing his voice in the background as they conversed was comforting, it helped sooth both our saddened state for those couple of hours, but I still wasn’t strong enough to face seeing him. The one and only time I found the courage to sit down with Josephina while she was having a conversation with him, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Seeing his face, hearing his deep voice, was a reminder of what I had walked away from.

Tonight during their usual conversation, Joseph mentioned a surprise he hoped to have ready for her soon. Upon hearing the remark, my eyebrows go up in curiosity, my body slowly gravitating in the direction where she was sitting on the couch.

Making sure to keep out of sight from Joseph, I listen as he speaks with her, explaining how his new surprise will allow her to see him again. Although I grow skeptical from his intentions, her eyes instantly light up with excitement. I know it’s from the thought of seeing him. Even I grew excited with the idea of seeing him, but I’m soon disappointed when Josephina asks him if he was coming to visit soon, and he replies with a simple, “No,” making my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, the tears already forming in my eyes. Getting up from the couch I head back to my workstation to help distract myself, the disappointment lingering with me for the remainder of the night.

It’s when I’m attempting to fall asleep that night that the disappointment takes over. The tears I was desperately trying to keep within myself uncontrollably stream down my face, releasing themselves against my will.

Losing the fight, I let them fall as I cry into my pillow, masking my sobs from Josephina to not wake her. The pain of wishing I was wrapped in Joseph’s arms courses all over my body as I lie in bed crying. It’s then I finally realize I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life and I have no one to blame but myself.

I’M CLEANING UP my pots after making another big batch, yet again, when I hear a knock at my door. I already know it’s Mark and Ashley. They said they were coming over tonight. I welcome their visits. They keep me distracted when they come over, which have been several times in the last couple weeks. They’ve been nothing but kind and helpful since I got back from San Diego. I no longer had a car and it was proving quite difficult at times. I often found myself depending on both of them when I either needed a ride somewhere far, or when I had a huge delivery to make. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.

I needed a car and I needed one soon, but I was dreading having a car payment, which is the reason why I hadn’t bought one yet. Plus, it would be another bill I would have to add, and I can't afford much at this time.

Opening the door, I let Mark and Ashley in. “Hi Kasey,” Mark says, giving me a quick hug as he enters.

Josephina sees him from the living area, already running to him, making him scoop her up in his arms as he smiles back at her. The memory of all the times Joseph would do it with her tugs at my heart, making me briefly close my eyes to fight back the tears.

Bringing them under control, I watch Mark head straight to the area with my TV with Josephina, while Ashley goes to my workbench to take a seat. Before long Mark is entertaining himself and Josephina by starting up the X-box, making me chuckle. I seriously believe he misses the thing more than he misses Josephina. The last couple of times they’ve come over it’s the first place he heads with her.

Going over to Ashley, I offer her something to drink before we spend the next hour going over the sales of the website, adding the new products I’ve created in the last month. It’s a routine we’ve been doing once a week since I returned and something I look forward to. It gives Ashley and I a chance to catch up at the same time. I take in the amount of orders I already have since my last shipment I sent out, which was only two days ago, and I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed.

“How is it I keep getting all these orders when I’ve only had the website up for less than a month?” I skeptically ask her, my eyes still wide as I look at the request on the screen. “I wouldn’t have thought I’d be doing this good right away.”

“What can you expect? They only have to read the reviews to know how good your soaps are,” she explains to me with a smile.

Confused, I look at her. “What reviews? I don’t remember getting any reviews?” I question, wondering what she meant.