Without Scars (16 page)

****

Charlie

Feelings were a goddamn bitch.

I kicked the air and yelled. Oh fuck it. It was Miami after midnight. People would assume I was drunk and not crazy. Except I
was
crazy. About her. Nikki was spectacular tonight, and I was about to fuck it all up. I walked back into SoBe when I was sure she was backstage, and I huffed out a breath. I shook my head and sent out two tweets:

Darable:
How do I immediately turn down my Douchebag Factor? 

Darable:
Do I have to unsay ‘bro’ a few times?

The college tour for my show, which I had been looking forward to since signing with Hillington, wasn’t as fun as it should’ve been. The highlight of my days was when we previewed upcoming episodes because I could sneak off and text Nikki. Then I’d get disappointed when it wasn’t a convenient time for her. Without her company, I overindulged in drugs and work to keep my mind off her—analyzing viewing numbers on episodes, partying with show fans, and doing publicity outings. I was never without people around and couldn’t believe how lonely I was. Everything felt off. It was getting a lot harder to be anywhere she wasn’t.

By the time we got to Pensacola I was ready to be back in Miami, and so much so that I cancelled one of the Q&A’s at the University of West Florida. I wanted to be here tonight as Nikki’s biggest supporter, and I’d let predictable ass Deacon push my buttons until they stuck.

But it wasn’t really about him. The combination of resisting every sexual urge toward Nikki, while being so fucking on edge about her the last few weeks was hard to manage. I wasn’t saying I deserved an award for not reacting during our conversation about masturbation but, holy shit, Nikki proudly knew the road map straight to her O-face, and I just sat there like I didn’t want to see it.

And for fuck’s sake, she’d had a sharp blade—in a very shaky hand—against my neck, and all I could think about was flipping her around and bending her over the bathroom counter. That was just the tip of the Nikki related fantasy iceberg I was jerking off to these days. I was at the point where it didn’t take much to get turned on by her. It was Nikki smiling. And touching me. And hugging me. And just being
her.
I was fourteen-year-old me all over again and couldn’t keep my dick soft for nothing. Fuck, I had little sisters, and I was turning my best friend, who I respected so much, into a
Maxim
issue.

No, my own personal porn star.

But that was the mental battle these days: be friend or boyfriend.

Want to hug her or want to fuck her.

She was right about me. I
had been
angry during the show, because seeing her up there being admired by so many other men forced me to face the all-too-stark reality that she wasn’t mine. She could go home with any guy at Sonar tonight, and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I’d be able to do about it.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Lea asked when she walked over to me.

“Yeah. Just in a weird headspace right now. I’m not normally like that.” I liked Lea but, more importantly, I knew that a convo between female best friends could shut an entire relationship down.

Relationship. That’s where Nikki and I are right now, huh?
We talked so much about everything and, yet, this subject of us, which we hadn’t broached in a straightforward way at all, had lived and died in the theater the night of the season premiere viewing party. Whatever courage I’d had then had gotten lost in the hustle-and-bustle of the college tour. Now my apprehension over having the discussion was coming from not knowing if screwing with the status quo would do more harm than good for us. Other than the fact that I wanted to bang her at every waking moment, we were happy.

As friends.

But I wanted her so badly.

“I don’t know what came over me,” I continued. Lea gave me an eye roll. I clearly wasn’t selling my whole momentary insanity story.

“Sure you don’t,” she said, grinning before she headed for the dressing room.

“Make sure I didn’t get her in trouble. Please tell her I’m sorry.”

Deacon and I made amends by visiting his favorite weed guy in South Beach and me buying us a lot of pot. Nikki and Lea were going to Sonar with the SoBe Sexy girls, and Ghost and Shaw had the car, so Deek and I got high and took a cab to the club to find our friends.

We found them by the bar, but Nikki was my priority right now. I needed to say sorry again about tonight, and I needed to be honest about my feelings. I forced my friends to play lookout, which I was sure was annoying as fuck, especially when they wanted to talk to women and drink. Shaw finally pointed out a group of chicks, and I recognized them as SoBe girls. When I walked over, one of them told me Nikki was still at the lounge. Shit, I hoped I hadn’t ruined her night so much that she decided to stay away. I walked back there as quickly as I could. Thankfully, the security was willing to let me in, and I found Nikki in the theater sitting on the stage with her pointe shoes on, eyes closed. Completely in her own world.

I decided not to interrupt, but the pot and amphetamines were drowning me in dopamine. To see her all beautiful and perfect and just caught up in a moment had me fucking bursting inside.

She snapped to attention when a spot on the floor where I stepped creaked. “Hey,” she said, smiling, “I haven’t been able to leave. I just want tonight to never end.”

“What are you doing?”

“Saying goodbye…saying hello. Were you sent to retrieve me?”

“Nope,” I said when she climbed down and walked to me. “I’m so glad I got to be here for your first show, Nik. You were great.”

              She threw her arms around my neck, and I wrapped mine around her waist. “Thank you!”

              “Hey, can I take you somewhere? Or can we just walk?” Drugs…Nikki…either way, my heart was racing.

“Yeah, but I should tell Lea I
really
won’t get to the club until later.”

“I thought you weren’t going to be a helicopter friend tonight? She promised she’d let you know if things got too much for her. And she’s with Ghost and Denise. She’s fine.”

“I should just tell her, Charlie. This is what we do for each other. And it’s a big night for her, too. Crap. Everything of mine is in her purse. Can I use your phone?” I nodded, but as soon as I handed it to her she frowned.

Oh shit.

I’d put a baggie of ADHD pills in her hand, too. “Uh?” she asked.

Her hair was different. I reached for her ponytail. She was so beautiful. She was such a great person, too. Perfect. So fucking perfect. And how did she even get into this tiny ass dress? It was green, lace, short. It looked like it was poured directly on her body. Was it easy to take off? Touching her was nice. I put my hands on her waist and squeezed. I couldn’t even pull any fabric away; it was so tight. I would love to watch her take it off. Inch by inch. Nikki naked. Damn.

“Charlie!”

“Yes…”

“What is this? What are you on right now?”

“On?”

She pointed at her palm. Oh shit. I checked my pockets. Empty. Right. I snatched the pills away. “It’s weed. Well, that’s not weed. Obviously. Weed is not that. I’m
on
weed. We smoked a little while ago.
We
…eed. No. We… me and Deacon—“

“Charlie!”

Shit. “Amphetamines. But I just use them when I need to work, like watch dailies and write scripts—”

“
That’s
how you get through pages and pages of scripts? Does Samira know about this?” Her brow furrowed for a beat and she held up her hands. “Wait…is this how you were able to drive from Pensacola the way you did? What the hell?”

“You know how much work I have to do. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do all of it. To make things come together, okay? Sometimes I need a little help.” I held her shoulders. “It’s under control, dude. I know you can’t be around an addict—”

“No one
starts
out an addict, Charlie. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but if you’re taking these to function and to get you through your day, you’re
depending
on them. I bet you’re not even taking the same amount you started out with anymo—”

“I’m not an addict, Nik,” I said, getting defensive. “I have it under fucking control. I don’t want a fucking lecture.”

Her eyes narrowed. “From an addict, right? From someone who was dumb enough to fuck it all up?”

“No…I don’t want a lecture. Period.”

“I wasn’t
going
to lecture you!” she shot back. We stayed where we were, but we both looked away from each other. My heart sank. Dammit. This was not the conversation I wanted to have with Nikki.

I jostled her lightly until she turned back to me, her defiance showing no signs of going away. “You mad at me?”

“Uh, yeah, you don’t get a monopoly on the emotion, Dara! And I’m mad because I care!”

“So this is love-yelling?” I shook her again, hoping she’d laugh. “Thank you for caring, Nikki!” I yelled back.

“You’re not funny.”

“Well, I don’t want you to be mad at me. I just want…” Her. Her and me. Fuck it. I was telling her.
“I just want you, Nik. Not really sure how to be around you anymore
like this
or how to focus when you’re not around. I have never stopped being nervous around you and I
know
you. I worry so much about whether I’m saying or doing the right thing. And I miss you all the time. I’ve been trying to figure out all this shit and...” I cupped her face. “I’m crazy about you, period. End of sentence.”

Nikki’s mouth fell open for a moment, shock filling her face, but then she laughed. Finally. “Really?”

“I wanna be your boyfriend. Put a name on this and make it official between us.”

“You like me
like me
, Charlie? You want me to check the YES box on your note?” she said, giggling.

“Hey, I’m working on this whole speech extemporaneously; gimme a break.”

“Fine.” She drew her face to mine until our lips touched. When she parted hers, I moved my tongue over the break and into her mouth. Nikki rocked against me, forcing our bodies to sway, and I gripped her in a tight hold around the back. Her fingertips slid up my biceps until her arms were locked over my shoulders. She clutched the back of my neck and smashed my mouth to hers roughly. Damn, I fucking loved that she was just as eager about this as I was.

I pulled back, dizzy with need, high, and happy as hell. “Wow…” she said.

“Wanna get out of here?” I asked.

“And go…have sex?
Right now?
” She bit her lip and ran her hand over the end of her ponytail. She was breathing much harder, and her eyes were darting from side to side. Really? Miss I Know Your Hard-on Was For Me was suddenly gun-shy?

Heh.

I held her hands up to my mouth. Kissed them both. “We don’t have to do anything. You don’t look like you’re—”

“No…I mean, I want to be more than friends, too, but we just
literally
had our first kiss. Maybe we’re rushing things. This could be a complete disaster, and we’d never be able to get back to before…”

“To before I…kissed you? Um, that doesn’t exactly exist anymore. You know that, right? Look, I’m
not
gonna stop being your friend. You being comfortable and happy are all I care about. Tonight is not about what we do at all, but it is about what I don’t want to do without you anymore.”

Chapter Nine

Nikki

“One night. Cheapest room you got,” Charlie said, slapping his credit card down at the front desk inside the Savoy. In spite of my giggle fit, I smacked him on the chest. “What? The rooms are expensive!”

The man at reception was probably so annoyed with us right now. We’d been laughing since we walked in. Hotel employees didn’t need an explanation for why two people without luggage were paying for a night. But I had an intense urge to tell
Frank
here why we were
really
like this. It
was
about sex, yes (thank God, yes), but we were, like, together
together
, too. I wanted to tell everybody. I hugged Charlie’s arm and pressed my nose to his sleeve. Thrill and desire were roaring through me. I felt dangerously unsteady. That rush you got when something scared you but seduced you, too. Like standing on the edge of a cliff, untethered. No net.

I was giddy about fucking. About fucking Charlie. About Charlie. About us.

He hugged me, and I tried to ignore the small ball of worry that was also nesting in my throat: concern about what we might lose after tonight. But he was right. There was no way to go back to before kissing him. How could it not get better? This would work.
This would work.

Or it would be
exactly
how to fuck up a friendship.

There was a pause when Frank stopped interacting with us to type. I turned Charlie’s head and kissed him. Harder than we had at SoBe Sexy. To know it was real. To feel the hand on my back that had always been
just
comforting turn possessive and greedy. It moved to my ass.

After a deep sigh from Frank—which snapped us both back to reality—he slid two plastic key cards across the desk and directed us to the elevator bank. Once we were inside an elevator, Charlie kissed and kissed and kissed the top of my head. It would probably be the last bit of innocence between us.

Wow. My best friend was about to know me in a way he hadn’t before.

See me naked.

Be inside me.

Have his way with me.

How exactly did Charlie Dara fuck, anyway? Would he bend me over the bed? Screw me against the door? His chest rose and fell in a deep breath. It would be pressed to mine soon enough. Oh my God. What was this like for him? Was he thinking about our first time, too? “
Shit,
” I whispered.

Charlie’s hand slid down my back, pulling me from my thoughts. “You okay?”

“I’m so glad I had to wax for work,” I admitted.

Swinging me around, he pinned my hips to the mirrored wall behind us. “You
really
think
hair
was gonna stop me? Do you know how long I’ve wanted you, Nik?” he said without a smile. “I would’ve plowed through the
Amazon rainforest
of bushes for your pussy.
Plowed
.
Dug.
Excavated
.
Bushwhacked.
Make no mistake.”

I laughed until tears came. “You are terrible,” I said. The doors opened. I took a breath and dragged him out of the elevator.

“Wait…wait…wait…” Charlie stopped us in the middle of the hallway. He moved me to the wall fast. Leaning in close, he cradled either side of my face, a mix of glee and nervousness in his expression. “Here’s to the end of a great friendship.”

“The greatest! But it’s not ending, just getting better!” I whispered back before his lips were against mine. Third time kissing ever and we were about to fuck each other’s brains out. Well, maybe this was my kind of night, actually.

My wobbly legs led us to room seven-sixty. My breaths were just pulses when he caged me to the door from behind, pressing his lips to my shoulder and inching toward my ear. Charlie ground his entire body against me, his fingers stabbing into my stomach. He lifted the front of my dress and eased his hand into my panties.

Was the hallway empty?

Did I really even care? No. The answer was hell no.

“Jesus, Nik,” he whispered as his fingers slipped inside me with ease, “you’re this wet already?” His chest expanded against my back and his breaths quickened. He caressed my clit then cupped me with his entire hand. “I’ve wanted you for so long.” My knees buckled. I leaned forward to put my cheek and palm on the door. When my arm went up between us, he undid the button of his jeans. I reached into his boxer briefs and fisted his dick. He was so lost in what I was doing that he missed the door’s key card slot twice. I was no better when I tried while he was fingering me and pinching my nipple through my dress.

Too horny to work a door; that’s where we were in life right now.

It was a damn good place.

One of us figured it out eventually, and we fell against the wall inside. Hit a light switch, too. Charlie covered my neck and shoulders in soft kisses. Yeah, I didn’t want to be kissed anymore. The blood in my veins was too hot and too fast. The need was too great. I wanted to fuck and be fucked. Impatient, I pulled away and dropped to my knees. I unzipped him, pulled his dick out.

Charlie froze. Then his fingers folded around the hair on the top of my head. He sucked in a hiss of air. If we were in the middle of a fire right now, I could sell him matches. “I want you. Now. So, fuck me like I won’t break, Charlie. Because I won’t.”

Something intense flooded his eyes. He yanked me to my feet. He stripped, slowly, and watching him made me woozy. There was hair everywhere: chest, stomach, and that happiest of happy trails. He clutched his cock and stroked himself, looking me over like he was plotting. Like I was prey. I was
great
at pep talks. Lifting my dress up past my thighs, he held the sides of my underwear. They barely made it down my legs intact, but my dress survived being pulled over my head. My bra, he took that off slowly, biting his lip as the material slid down my nipples. Mmm. I loved when a man undressed me.

I embraced the vulnerability of being naked with him. Charlie had already seen
me
, anyway. He got down on his knees for a moment, stroking my stomach with his fingertips, and then kissing up my chest. He backed me to the bed but eased down onto it himself, legs dangling off. “Are you nervous?” I asked, standing over him.

“Nope.” Charlie shook his head but quickly followed up with a grin. “Fuckin’ terrified. What if I only last a minute?”

“Best sixty seconds of my life!” I said, laughing. “What if I make ugly sex faces?”

Charlie frowned. “Nothing about you could ever be ugly, baby girl. Come here.” As I crawled up his body there was a change in the moment, a charge in the air. This wasn’t my best friend anymore. I only saw a man who wanted to fuck me lying there. Fuck me as much as I wanted to fuck him. I was on all fours over his hips when Charlie pulled me farther up, to his chest. The sheets scalded my palms and knees. I was suddenly overwhelmed. I wanted to scramble away, but I was also aching to take whatever he was about to do to me.

His hands closed around my breasts, squeezing them while he licked my nipples. They tingled from the pinch of his lips before he moved down my body, pressing my torso to his face. My nerve endings were firing—from his mouth, his stubble, and his hands—sending me into sensory overload. I bit my lip hard, expecting blood,
needing
the pain to balance out the pleasure. I sat up when my knees were bookending his head. Charlie smiled up at me. “Hi,” he said.

I smiled back. “Hey.” I thought of Deacon’s prophetic shirt.

“Sit,” he whispered, but he positioned me over his lips on his own. My entire body jerked. A teasing finger broke through my wetness. Then he drove more fingers into me, all the way. I slumped forward onto the mattress. Landed face first. “Oh…you like that?” The words were muffled against my pussy.
Affirmative
. Brain said it. Mouth couldn’t. I rubbed the top of his head.

He finger-fucked me deep, and his tongue lashed my clit in slow strokes. I was twitching on his face. Too turned on to not want it. But unsure I could handle the almost unbearable sensation of pleasure. He gripped my butt, fingers biting into my skin, as he whipped his tongue harder over my damp skin. It was brutal, punishing. The sweetest kind of violence.

I needed it.

I arched my back into muscle strain. Clutched the edge of the bed. Heat surged across every cell in my body. Face mashed to the mattress, I came. Twice. I was still trembling when he slid his mouth away.

I wanted more.

The mattress shifted as Charlie moved out from under me. I eased down the rest of the way. Some part of him brushed across my slippery opening, jolting me. Then he rubbed it against my thigh. He whispered, “You’re so fucking hot, Nik. I love how wet you are for me right now…” My legs splayed wider without any of my own doing. I swear. He was hovering over me, straddling me. His shadow darkened the sheet. I squirmed in fear. Not of him, but of my own earlier request that I wanted him to ravage me.

I was in trouble.

Good.

The sudden warmth of his mouth on my lower back was startling. I curled my fingers into the pillow as Charlie’s tongue went up my spine. I felt it in every part of me. The way you felt the cold or a shock. Exhales ran along my shoulder blades and neck. Then nothing. I jerked when light fingertips traced the length of my back, the same way his tongue had. Then nothing. The anticipation was agonizing. I stuffed the sheet into my mouth, clenching everything when his teeth sank into my butt.

Oh…

Oh!

Would Charlie eat me out again…like this? I was too wired, and too sensitive down there. Panic ensued. The panic of wanting and not wanting. When his fingers entered my pussy, my ass bounced on his knuckles, my hips rising. The friction from the pillow under my hips against my clit—already so exposed and throbbing between pain and pleasure—tied a fevered knot in my belly. The tighter it got the more I felt a consuming urge for release. I writhed in desperation but his other hand was pressing squarely on my upper back, almost on my neck. He wouldn’t let me move too much. I could only ram backward slightly against his hand, wanting it so badly to be his dick. When his hand finally stilled, I’d torn the fitted sheet off the corner of the mattress. It was squeezed tight in my fist.

“Nik…” Charlie’s amused, low tone came out of nowhere. Right at my ear, as his hands slipped under my breasts. Gray spots flickered in my vision. I moaned when he licked the curve where my neck met my shoulder. He laughed against my skin every time the brush of his tongue made me flinch. I was buzzing, electrified. His cock glided between my butt cheeks a few times. I reached back and tried to form a fist around it. Fully prepared to shove it inside me on my own. “Keep that up and I’m gonna tie your wrists together with a pillowcase.”

“That better be a promise,” I said breathlessly. I was shaking and trying to stay inside my skin.

Charlie kissed my neck. “You want me to fuck you now?” he asked.

“Fuck…Charlie, fuck me. Fuck me. Fucking fuck me… Fuck me.” I didn’t even sound like myself. I didn’t care. “Fuck…” His hands settled on my rib cage, on either side. “Fuck me, Charlie. Fuck me.”

He pushed into me. Goodbye, gravity.

Pleasure tore through my core as he moved. Charlie’s hand ran across my neck. Then it brushed over my cheek and my mouth. I sucked on his fingers, tasting our sweat and me on his skin. Gradually his weight crushed me to the mattress. “You feel so fucking good,” he whispered, before his tongue slipped into my mouth and silenced my panting. The ache was building again, seizing my body. My hair had fallen over my face, and he raked his fingers up through it as he shifted off me, twisting the strands in his grip. I didn’t care that the people in the next room could hear me. I moaned, and came, and rolled the sheets in my hands until my muscles burned.

He slowed.

I wanted to die.

Charlie pulled out and changed our position to missionary, his forehead on mine. Pressing inside me again with one swift stroke, he froze in place.
He fucking froze.
I gasped repeatedly and held it each time, waiting for whatever he was waiting for.

Then he kissed me.

He
only
kissed me—holding the sides of my head, fingers in my hair, and thumbs on my cheeks. Our faces were crushed together; it was almost hard to breathe. Something burst wide open inside me right then. It left a hole big enough for the world to fit.

Or maybe just him.

When he pulled away, we locked eyes. “I’m gonna kiss my girl when I want to kiss my girl. Okay?” I could only nod. “And I’m going to kiss you everywhere…”

Then Charlie’s head was between my thighs again, and I was trembling from the stroke of his tongue. “Don’t…stop…don…” I came so hard I had to push him away after the third time.

He wasted no time sliding back into me, resting his hand on my collarbone. I gripped his wrist as we fucked. I
liked
that it was there—dominant without being domineering. His eyes bored into mine for a moment. Then his eyelids lowered slightly, pupils shifting: it was the exact moment he melted into nothing but sensation. “Fuck, Nik, I gonna come.”