Wolf Ways (The Madison Wolves Book 9) (4 page)

I shook my head, trying to clear the dark thoughts, but others intruded.

“In some of the dreams, you bring me a big steak, bloody rare, and force me to eat it. So I guess not everything from the dreams themselves happened. In other dreams, you never let me out. In the dreams, the cell gets smaller and smaller, and you brick it off. I wake up with my hands curled into claws, because I was dreaming I was scratching at the concrete walls, trying to dig my way out.”

I shook myself. “So if I tell you I’m only a ‘little afraid’, I think that’s a pretty big step up, don’t you?”

I’d stopped watching her, so I didn’t see her expression while I ranted at her, but I looked up and she had a look of such sorrow.

“I’m so sorry, Zoe. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

“Every time Michaela makes me attend an event, I wonder if I’ll be going home afterwards. Every time I come home from one of my own tasks, I wonder if I’ll find a squad of enforcers waiting in my apartment for me. At night, if there are any loud noises, I wonder if someone is breaking in to assassinate me in the night. When Michaela showed up at my door today, I was sure it was going to be you, come to take me into custody.”

“Oh Zoe,” she said. “None of that is going to happen. I swear. Absolutely nothing bad is going to happen to you.”

“Maybe,” I said, “just maybe I am starting to actually believe that.” I turned away, staring off into space and trying to calm my heart down. Elisabeth moved closer, and then her hands were on my shoulders. I didn’t pull away.

“Do you hate me?”

“No.”

“Will you let me hold you?”

I thought about it and nodded. Carefully, gently, she wrapped her arms around me from behind, and I leaned backwards against her, clutching her arm to my chest.

In spite of everything, it felt good. I didn’t understand that.

“This shouldn’t feel good.”

“Why not?”

“Because… of what you are. Of what all of you did. This shouldn’t feel good. I should be gibbering in fear.”

“Maybe deep down you recognize something.”

“What?”

“I’m a protector.”

I let that sink in. “Hold me tighter.”

And she did.

Neither of us said anything, and slowly I calmed down. Then I began to chuckle.

“What?”

“I always wanted a guard dog.”

She immediately began laughing.

“Do you think you’d like to sleep on my bed, curled up, with your ears alert for any dangers?”

She chuckled a little longer.

“Did I offend you?”

“No. I’m not sure you want to repeat that around anyone else though.” She paused. “That’s a pretty good similarity though, Zoe.”

I leaned more heavily against her.

“All right,” I said. “Let’s go spend Michaela’s money.”

Elisabeth chuckled and slowly released me.

* * * *

The store was intimidating. I wandered around for a minute, looking at the gear and wincing at the prices. While I’d never been diving, I had a pretty good idea what the main gear was, and I knew it was expensive, but I had no idea it was all this expensive. Eventually I looked over at Elisabeth, who was standing to the side, watching me. Something in my expression must have conveyed my worry, as she immediately stepped up to me.

“I can’t afford all this,” I said. It came out like a whine. “And I don’t want you to buy it, either. Let’s just go.”

She shook her head. “You don’t need all this. You need a mask, fins and snorkel.”

“That’s all? But what about air tanks and…”

“Michaela said mask, fins and snorkel. You’ll borrow the rest. If you decide you really like it and want your own gear, we’ll find a way for you to pay for it. Do you have a swim suit?”

I nodded.

“All right then. Let’s see if one of these nice people can help us out.” She straightened up and looked around, and just a moment later, an athletic-looking woman stepped over to us. “Did you need some help with BCDs?”

“Actually,” Elisabeth said, “we have a brand new student who needs just the basics today.”

“Ah,” said the woman. “I thought I recognized that look of panic. Don’t worry. I’m Darla. I’ll take good care of you.” She held out her hand.

“Zoe,” I replied, shaking her hand. “This is Elisabeth.”

“Hello, Zoe and Elisabeth.” She looked at Elisabeth. “Mask, fins and snorkel? And for you as well?”

“I’m covered. Yes. She’s price conscious.”

“Of course. Everything we have is good quality, so prices are going to be higher than if you pick up something at Target, but we don’t dive with cheap equipment. Right this way.”

We started with masks. Darla explained that all their masks were high quality, and so any would serve me quite well as a beginning diver. The most important aspect was the proper fit.

Then she had me try on a bunch of the masks. It didn’t take long to narrow it down to four that fit well. In the end, I let price and color make my choice. “I want the purple one.”

Darla had me try it again before she’d let my choice be final, but she declared it, “Perfect.”

She handed my new mask, in its box, to Elisabeth to hold.

“Snorkels next,” she said. “They are here.” We moved down the wall about ten feet.

“If I have an air tank, why do I need a snorkel?”

“Two reasons. First, scuba divers also tend to go snorkeling in shallow water. But more importantly, if you have to spend time on the surface, you don’t want to waste your air.” Darla proceeded to show me the range of snorkels. The price range was narrow, from $20 to only $40. I asked if there was any reason to spend the extra money.

“I use this one,” Darla said, waving one of the inexpensive snorkels. And they even had one in purple to match my mask. Elisabeth grinned when Darla handed it to her to hold.

“Now, I’m afraid the prices on fins may be a little daunting.” We moved to the other side of the shop, and Darla spent a good ten minutes describing the different basic types of fins. In the end, “fins” didn’t just mean fins. I had to buy a pair of neoprene booties, too. I wanted to buy the cheapest choice, but the two of them tag teamed to talk me up quite a bit.

“This choice matters,” Darla said.

In the end, I bought what Darla and Elisabeth together agreed was the best choice.

And they came in purple, too, which mollified me a little bit.

We carried my choices to the counter. Darla went over care of everything with me, asked whether I needed anything else, and finally rang up my purchases. “Are you signed up for classes?”

“This weekend.”

“Excellent. I’m teaching the class this weekend.”

“Oh. Um.” I looked to Elisabeth. “Is it here?”

“No.” She turned to Darla. “We hold classes at the high school.”

“Oh wow,” she said. “That’s great. Do the students sign up, or is this an adult education class?”

“Both,” Elisabeth said. “One of the teachers has been sharing her passion.”

Darla asked a few more questions and then finally said, “When you’re ready for more equipment, we’ll be here.”

Elisabeth picked up the rather large bag with my things, and together we headed back to Michaela’s car.

I was pretty shell-shocked. I had just spent six months’ clothing allowance on something I didn’t need. Even though Michaela had effectively paid for everything, it was hard for me to even consider. We climbed into the car, and I sat quietly as Elisabeth began navigating our way across town towards the Green Room.

“You turned quiet,” she observed several minutes later. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t understand.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No one did anything wrong,” I said. “I bet you wouldn’t think twice about the money we just spent.” I glanced over at her. “The clothes you’re wearing probably cost four times than that.”

She returned my glance. “More,” she admitted quietly.

“I buy most of my clothes at the thrift store. That was six months — or more — of my clothing budget.”

“You know, Michaela had this same issue for the first couple of years she was with us.”

“And then she married Lara?”

“Well, even once they were married, she didn’t like accepting money from Lara. Her living expenses were low, but by marrying the alpha and becoming co-alpha, she took on responsibilities that had expenses. She was struggling with it.”

“How did she solve it?”

“She accepted a budget from Lara. But that’s not my point.” She paused. “I’m not sure if I have a point, exactly. But I do understand, Zoe. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. Are you upset we spent the money?”

“Not upset. Just… I don’t know. Unsettled, maybe.” I smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. There’s just a lot to absorb. It has been a startling day. Here I was, minding my own business, when suddenly a werefox showed up on my doorstep. During the ensuing conversation, she offered to take me away to Key West for a little vacation. A half hour later, my apartment was filled with werewolves. One of them asked me on a date, and I said yes. I think anything else dwarfs in comparison.”

Elisabeth laughed. “I hadn’t thought about any of it quite that way, but I can see how that might be a lot to absorb.”

After that, she asked me what I’d been working on. I told her about the letter I was trying to write, asking my network to help me expand the network. She had some good ideas we discussed. “Have you added the pack to your list?”

“Excuse me?”

“Counting you, there are currently three hundred and forty-seven members in the pack. Our population due to births has been fairly stable since the seventies, although we do get the occasional new member of the pack.”

“Such as me.”

“Karen, Portia, Michaela, Benny… Yes, such as you. Of those three hundred and forty-seven, approximately seventy-five are children, fifteen or younger.”

“I do mailings for children as well. About a third of my mailing list joined the list as children.” I began to grow excited. “Did you just grow my list by over three hundred people? It’s not just my list, Elisabeth. It’s National’s list, too.” I ran GreEN of Wisconsin, but I was associated with GreEN, the national organization. I normally just referred to everything I did as GreEN.

“In that case, you couldn’t add everyone all at once,” she replied. “And you still have to do the other things you do. And if you do a targeted mailing to just the pack, you need to work with Gia. Let me run this by Lara before you go too far with it. But yes, I think I’ve increased your list by three-hundred and forty-six.”

“Not quite,” I told her. I grinned. “Angel and Scarlett signed up that first day they stopped by. And I added you, Michaela and Lara second day. You’ve already gotten one mailing.”

She smiled. “True, although you sent them to my business address. I’ll help you fix that later.”

“That was okay, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, Zoe. That was okay.”

I sat back, thinking about the implications.

“Have you been adding the people who buy your photographs?”

“Of course not!”

She glanced over. “So vehement. Why not?”

“My web site privacy statement specifically says I don’t sell contact information. I have links on my web site to the GreEN web site, and people can click through if they want. But Zoe Young and GreEN are not the same people. I would consider it selling their information.” But then I smiled. “I include a GreEN introductory pamphlet when I ship something, though. And sometimes, not often, but sometimes people sign up at GreEN a day or two after they would have received one of my prints.”

I sat quietly, absorbing everything until we pulled up in front of the restaurant. We came to a stop, and Elisabeth said, “You grew quiet again.”

“I’m just trying to catch up with the conversation,” I said.

“There are advantages to being a pack member, Zoe,” Elisabeth said. She reached over and clasped my hand.

But once we climbed from the car and were walking to the restaurant entrance, I clasped her arm and leaned against her during the walk.

She seemed to enjoy it as much as I did.

“That was lovely, Elisabeth,” I said in the car later. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I had a nice time.”

“Are you in a hurry to get home and chastise Michaela?”

“Inviting me in?”

“Actually…” I paused.

“Yes? I’m intrigued already.”

“That first day in your cell, when Eric and I talked, he said wolves like to play.”

“We do,” she said.

“And you know how I feel about your wolf.”

She grinned at me. “You seem to appreciate my wolf.”

“I know I’m just a human, and maybe this is a bad idea. But could we go somewhere and, I don’t know. Something?”

She glanced over at me, then, without a word, pulled off to the side of the road and parked. She turned to me. She looked me up and down carefully and didn’t say anything. I thought perhaps I’d made a really poor suggestion, and I found myself staring at my hands in my lap, trying to look small.

My reactions to her were puzzling. There was something about her that turned me submissive. I’d never been submissive like this before.

“Maybe that’s a bad idea,” I said in a small voice. “Forget I said anything.”

“It’s not a bad idea, Zoe,” she said very gently. “You’re not dressed for more active play. We could go for a walk.”

“Would you be wolf?”

“I could be,” she said.

“Would you like that?”

“I would.”

“If I changed clothes first, would we do something else?”

“We could,” she said. “Do you know what you would like to do?”

I shook my head. “I’m out of my depth, Elisabeth. I can’t imagine you want to play fetch.”

She laughed. “Actually, there’s always the tennis ball game. In a way, that’s a game of fetch.”

I joined her laughter. “I guess it is. I didn’t do very well in that game, but it looked like fun.”

“You won’t do very well in any of the games we’re accustomed to playing. Does that bother you?”

I thought about it. “I’m not competitive that way, but I was a little embarrassed that it was one of the kids who found my ball.”

“Michaela often leaves hers in trees. The kids can’t climb them.”

I looked up. Elisabeth was smiling. “I thought about that, but I thought it would be cheating.”

“Did anyone say ‘no trees’?”

“No…” I said slowly.

“Then it’s not cheating. You have to stay out of and off the buildings, and you can’t hide it somewhere too small for an adult wolf to reach it. We added that rule so Michaela wouldn’t leave them in the middle of one of the small culverts.”

“Are you asking me what I want to do?” she asked. I nodded. She paused before her next question, and there was caution in her voice. “If we went to the compound, would you be staying overnight?”

I looked her up and down carefully. I remembered our times together in the past. And then, slowly, I nodded. “If I’m invited.”

Her smile broadened, but then her smile faded and she cocked her head.

“Please, Elisabeth. Just tell me what you would like to do.”

Instead, she looked away.

“Tell me.”

“I want to take you to your place and have you pack an overnight bag,” she said.

“And change clothes?”

She nodded.

“And then what?”

“Go to the compound.”

“Keep going, Elisabeth.”

“I want to play,” she said, “but I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

She looked back. “I don’t know what how to play with a human.”

“There are other humans in the pack.”

“I don’t play with them. They only play the very gentle games on pack play night, but I leave them alone, anyway. And I’ve never asked anyone what they do with their mates.”

“Are you afraid of hurting me?”

“I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. But wolves tussle. Lara and Michaela tussle. If I played with you like that, you’d get bruises.”

“Would I look like a domestic abuse victim?”

“No, but I’d feel guilty. We heal when we shift. You don’t.”

I thought about what she had said. “I don’t mind a few bruises if they are entirely accidental. I don’t want to be knocked off my feet. I want to play, whatever you want if it’s not too rough. If you want a relationship with me, then I consider this a problem for you to solve.” I paused. “I mean, Eric said wolves like to play. So if you want to play, then I want to play.”

“Anything I want, if it’s not too rough?”

“Or humiliating. I don’t want to be humiliated.”

“Would losing consistently be humiliating?”

“Teasing me about it would be. But I meant I don’t want to be the brunt of jokes. I want to play with the idea of both of us having fun. And I’m not going to wager, so don’t even ask. We both know you’re going to win whatever we play.”

She began to smile. “Anything I want, subject to those restrictions?” And I nodded. “Would you let me hunt you?”

“You want to hunt me?” I squeaked.

She nodded. “You’d call hit ‘hide and go seek’. You get a certain amount of head start. When the pack plays, you have to actually hide. But when we play, you could hide if you want, or you can keep running. I then get a certain amount of time to catch you.”

I thought about it. “Do you want to play even if I’m easy to catch?”

“Yes.”

She smiled then reached out and clasped my hand. Somehow I knew I had pleased her. The thought made me happy.

* * * *

She took me home and helped me pack an overnight bag. I changed into woodsy clothing. She wanted to watch, but I chased her out of the bedroom. She grumped good-naturedly at me.

We held hands for the entire drive to the compound. I expected her to drive to her house, but instead, we pulled up in front of Lara and Michaela’s, and I remembered whose car we had.

“We’ll need to check in,” she said. “Just for a minute.”

She grabbed my bag from in back then took my hand. We headed straight for the front door. Elisabeth didn’t even hesitate but opened the door and held it for me. I stepped inside, announcing my name, and then Elisabeth was immediately behind me.

“Auntie Lisbet! Auntie Lisbet!” Suddenly from the left there were two streaks, and I barely got out of the way as Rebecca and Celeste threw themselves as their aunt. They both shifted to pups mid-air, and it was the funniest thing as they got tangled in their clothes.

Elisabeth caught them both but grunted under the effort, then knelt down and set them both on the floor.

“You two are getting a little big for that,” she told them. She helped them slither out of their clothes, then hugged each of them, earning several licks for her efforts. “Say hello to Zoe. Remember that she’s a human.”

I knelt down, and the two pups bounced over to me, but they came to a stop in front of me, then walked the last little distance. I wrapped an arm around each of them and accepted the tongue bath of my face, laughing.

“What is with the licks?” I asked.

“I hate it,” said Michaela. “Werefoxes don’t lick in greeting, but the wolves do. Don’t fight it, Zoe. Just accept it.”

I looked up, and Michaela was watching us, smiling. Lara moved up to stand behind her, and Michaela leaned backwards against her. Lara wrapped her arms around her mate.

It was obvious how in love they were, and I was glad to see their fight from earlier had ended.

“When we’re wolves, we’re the same people as humans,” Lara said, “but some of our instincts and thoughts are different. Our social interactions become far closer to that of our natural cousins. We carry some of our humanity with us, and as humans, we carry our wolves with us. Some of it is subtle. Some of it is very overt.”

I nodded. I didn’t fully understand, but I understood as much as she said. And so I didn’t lick the pups, but I gave them a kiss on each of their foreheads and released them. One of them — I wasn’t sure which — bounced over to her mothers. The other turned back to Elisabeth. Elisabeth tussled lightly with hers, and Michaela held her hands out. The pup leapt into her arms, and I was sure the little fox would be knocked over if Lara hadn’t steadied her. But she held her daughter easily after that.

“Which one is which?” I asked. “I can’t tell.”

“This is Celeste,” Michaela said. “Elisabeth is playing with Rebecca.”

“Should I be able to tell? They look alike.”

“Celeste is bigger. She smells just a tiny bit different, but you wouldn’t be able to tell.”

I looked between the two pups. “I feel bad, but I can’t tell the difference.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lara said. “You’ll start to become more attuned to our furry differences over time. It’s good to see you. We missed you last night.”

I looked at the floor. Submissively. It was becoming automatic, and I still didn’t understand it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. Michaela talked to me about it.”

“That wasn’t chastisement, Zoe,” Lara said. “That was expressing joy you are here now. And I understand you’re going to be here for much of the weekend.”

“And she’s coming to Key West with us,” Michaela added. “Well, assuming she likes the diving.”

I kept my eyes down. “You know I can’t afford to pay my way.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Lara said. “We’re happy for your company.”

At that I looked up, not quite into her eyes, but enough to see her expression. She was smiling lightly, her arms still around her mate.

“Thank you,” I said. I moved closer and looked at Celeste. She was so damned cute! “Does she like being pet?”

“She loves being scratched,” Michaela said. “Except with the closest of friends, it’s best to always ask.”

“Celeste, would you let me scratch?”

The pup turned her head to look at me then made that noise I had learned was agreement. She laid her head back on Michaela’s shoulder.

“That was yes,” Michaela said. “Celeste, what would you have said if you didn’t want Zoe to scratch your fur?”

The pup made a different sound. The yes sound was a little like a grunt. The no sound was more of a snort. I nodded understanding, then stepped up the rest of the way and buried my fingers in the pup’s fur.

After a moment she began making another noise, not that different from the ‘yes’ sound.

“That’s enjoyment,” Michaela translated. “You can be a firmer with her than you can with me. Celeste doesn’t like it if you touch her ears, but Rebecca does.”

“What if I forget?”

“She’ll huff at you — the other sound — and probably flick her ears. Baby, we’re going to show Zoe.” And then Michaela reached up with one hand and began to scrub one of Celeste’s ears like you might for a dog.

Celeste immediately made the ‘no’ snort and shook her head a little. Michaela immediately stopped what she was doing and buried her fingers in the pup’s fur at the back of her neck instead. The pup began making the pleasure sounds again.

“I’m going to warn you, however,” Lara said. “They’re still pups, and sometimes they get crabby. And I can’t promise they’ll remember you’re human. You should be careful. And don’t be too familiar with the younger teenagers, either. They don’t have all the control they will by the time they are fifteen or sixteen.”

“They’d bite?”

“They might,” Lara said. “And if an adult catches them biting a human, they’ll get heck for it. But you’ll still have been bitten.”

None of this had stopped being surreal to me. I looked down at the furry werewolf in her mother’s arms, the werewolf I was petting.

God, she was cute!

From behind me, I felt Elisabeth step up, and then her hands were on my shoulders. Rebecca began to run around the room, and then Celeste began squirming. I took my hands away, and then Michaela let her daughter onto the floor. The two pups began chasing each other all over the room.

“You two be careful,” Michaela said firmly. “Anyone who so much as bumps Zoe is getting a time-out. There better not be any accidents, either.”

“Zoe and are I are going for a run,” Elisabeth said. “If that’s okay, Alpha.”

“Of course it is,” Lara said. “If you don’t mind sharing the woods.”

“We’re going to play,” Elisabeth said. “I wouldn’t suppose you know who is in fur?”

“Serena and her family were going out earlier,” Michaela said. “I don’t know if they are still out there. And I heard a group of teenagers heading north a half hour ago.”

“We’ll stay south,” Elisabeth replied. “We don’t need as much room.”

The pups had heard the conversation. Suddenly there were two naked girls standing beside us. “We want to play!” said one of them. I couldn’t tell which was which, and I averted my eyes besides.

“You’ll have to get used to that,” said Michaela. “We’re pretty informal about nudity here, as you can imagine.”

I nodded, but I didn’t look at the girls.

“Not tonight,” Michaela said to the girls. “It’s almost time for your baths and story time, and Elisabeth and Zoe want to spend time alone.”