Wonderland (11 page)

I
let us into the Walrus's apartment. It was tidy, not the mess of pizza boxes and Mountain Dew cans that I was expecting. It was almost normal.

“Steven!” I called out.

“Alex! Shut up! What if someone else is here?”

“I have never seen him have people over.”

“Guys, come here.” Jesse was standing in the Walrus's bedroom doorway. I took one look, and thought “so much for normal.” There was porn everywhere: piles of magazines next to the bed, piles of DVDs next to the TV, porn even playing on the TV. The room stank of cum. What's more, it was all gay porn. Everywhere I looked, it was cocks and ass and dildos. On the nightstand was one of those jumbo lubes with the squeeze nozzle, next to two Fleshjacks.

“Party at the Walrus's,” Jesse said.

“I thought this guy hated gays?”

“I thought so too,” I said, taking a step in. It was gross and sad. Is that all he did? Sit around jerking off?

“We better finish looking,” Colton said, and I nodded. We checked the bathroom, the closets, even under the bed. But there was no Steven.

I stood there, at the window, looking out into the night. “We'll find him.” Colton put his hand on my shoulder. “This was a long shot anyway, Alex, you know that.”

“I hoped though.”

“I know you did. We better go.” We turned around. “Jesse, c'mon, let's go.”

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Oh for fuck's sake, Jesse,” Colton said, headed for the bedroom.

Jesse was standing there jerking off. “I haven't seen this one,” he said, indicating the TV with his dick.

“Zip it up, Jesse. We need to get out of here.”

“No, you need to tell me what you're doing here.” We spun around to see the Walrus standing there in the doorway.

“We . . .”

“Tell me now or I'm calling the police.” He set down a brown bag on the counter and picked up the phone.

“No, wait! My boyfriend is missing, and I thought . . .”

“You thought what?”

“I thought you kidnapped him.”

“You thought I what?”

“Well, you were always so hateful.”

“Yeah, what's with that?” Jesse asked. “You just act like a big bigot in public and then sneak back in here to watch your gay porn.” He'd tucked himself back into his pants at least.

“You fags wouldn't understand.”

“Look around, dude. You're one of us.”

“I'm not one of you.” He sneered at us. “Look at you guys, all smooth and muscled and perfect. Then look at me. You think I can go out to the bar and have people look at me like they look at you?”

“Well, everyone's pretty to someone,” Colton said.

“Spare me.” His eyes brimmed with tears. “I tried going out, and even tried talking to people. You wouldn't believe the things people said to me, the looks I got. I thought it would be better. I thought those names and those looks would be over. That's what they used to do to me in school. I thought you people would be more understanding.”

“We're not all shallow,” I said, suddenly feeling a huge sympathy for this lonely old man.

“Yes you are. I've seen you. I've watched the friends you have over. They're all young, they're all beautiful. Your boyfriend, he's gorgeous. You know it. You know you are, and you surround yourself with people like you, and there's no room in your perfect pretty world for people like me.”

“Did you ever try?”

“I told you, I went to the bar . . .”

“Not the bar . . . Did you ever try being nice to me? I've lived across from you for two years, and you've been hateful since the first time we met. Why would I ever want to be your friend?”

He grabbed me by the shoulders. Jesse and Colton took a step toward us but I waved them off. There were crumbs in his moustache. “Really, Alex? Really?” He looked into my eyes. “You would've had me over for dinner, or gone for coffee with me?”

“Maybe.” I didn't step back. “We'll never know now.”

The Walrus stepped away. “Get out of my apartment.”

“Look, we're sorry. Just because people are gay doesn't make them nice or understanding.”

“Just go, Alex.” He pointed toward the door. “I'm sorry about your boyfriend.”

Colton and I stepped toward the door. “Jesse?”

“You guys go. I'll be right there.”

I raised my eyebrow at Colton, who shrugged. We stepped out into the hall. Jesse shut the door behind us.

The fuck? He wouldn't, would he?

C
olton and I sat down on my couch. “What is Jesse doing?” I asked. “And what am I going to do now?”

“I don't know,” he said. “To either.”

I checked my phone, but was disappointed. Why wouldn't he have called back? What was going on? All I saw was the long list of texts from Brandon.

Suddenly I felt a wave of guilt. Maybe we were too mean to each other. I texted Brandon:
look, nothing happened between me and Allan. I never hit on him. We good?

“Good boy,” Colton said, reading the text over my shoulder.

The door opened, and in came Jesse. “What was that about?” I asked.

“I had a few things to tell him. He'll be better.”

“You didn't . . .” I couldn't even say the words. Jesse only smiled.

“I did find out one thing though,” Jesse said. “I know about the graffiti on your door.”

“What? How?”

“Walter saw the guy do it.”

“Walter, eh?”

“Do you want to know?”

“Tell us.”

“He said it was around nine-thirty.”

“Really? I would've just left.”

“That's what he said. He seemed pretty confident.”

“Who was it?”

“No one he'd seen before, but from the description, it was the same guy we saw leaving on Sunday.”

“The intercom guy?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he look like again?”

“He was tall, late twenties, blond hair, good-looking,” Colton said.

“Nice ass,” Jesse added. “We would've taken him home if we'd seen him at the bar.”

“Totally!” Colton agreed. “But we didn't recognize him.”

“Could be anyone. That's not much of a description to go on.”

“Sorry, Alex.” My chest felt empty. Jesse and Colton got up. “We should go. It's really late.”

“Guys, wait . . .” I jumped to my feet, grabbed Jesse by the shoulder. “Would you guys mind staying over? I don't want to be alone.”

Jesse grinned. “That's my boy.”

“Not that,” I said, smiling at his perpetual horniness. “Just warm bodies.”

“Of course we'll stay,” Colton said, wrapping his arm around me. “Let's go to bed.”

I
woke up in the morning, sandwiched between the twins. It was déjà vu, minus the hangover but with the morning wood. Jesse's good-morning hand job almost proved to be too much of a temptation, but I jumped out of bed.

“Awww,” Jesse said, a pout on his plump lips.

“I'm going to shower.” I grinned as Jesse rolled over on top of Colton, who woke with a start. “You boys have fun.”

The steam reminded me of Aaron again. Should I call him? Not for a hookup of course, just to catch up. It would keep my mind off Steven anyway, and the worry was eating me up, especially now with a day of silence from whoever was holding him hostage. What if Steven had tried to escape and been killed? Was the guy a murderer? Really, how far was it from torture and kidnapping to murder?

Was Steven still alive? He had to be. I had to call the cops. There was no choice. They'd already been by Steven's house, so it might not have been my fault. Come to think of it, who had called the cops? Steven didn't have family close by. Jesse and Colton would have told me if they had. Ditto Dinah.

Dinah. I should have told her the hook-up had been with Aaron. I'd planned to. Why didn't I? Was it just that I wanted to keep it to myself? That Aaron, showing up out of the blue like that, right there at that time, was just too much? Did part of me miss him? Dinah would've seen it in a heartbeat. I loved Steven. But did that mean I didn't love Aaron?

I hadn't left Aaron because I fell out of love. It was just that I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more. We were missing the fireworks. We used to have them, back at the beginning. They'd faded after a while, though.

But they'd been back the other night. At least during the sex. My body had reacted like it used to when he touched me: shivers and goose bumps and fever. I could feel myself reacting in the shower. I leaned against the cold tile and touched myself in the steam. I shouldn't be horny, I told myself, but the throb of my hard dick made a different argument. I jacked off, and made every effort to keep Steven's face in my head as I did. The closer I got to shooting, though, the more Aaron's face kept drifting through my mind.

Suddenly, the curtain pulled back and the twins jumped in. “Oh sorry,” Jesse said, grinning lewdly. “Is this a private party?”

“Can anyone join in?” Colton asked, his grin just as lewd.

They dropped to their knees in the bathtub, both of them on me at once. I knew I should push them away, knew I should get out of the shower and not let this happen, but it was too late. I had brought myself too close. I tilted my head back, one hand on each of their heads, but in my mind, I was picturing Steven and Aaron. I came hard.

“You guys are bad influences,” I said, as we toweled off. They laughed and shrugged. But I wasn't shrugging. As I looked in the mirror, inside of me, a voice was screaming,
Now what was that? Why? Why did you do that? How was that not cheating? The love of your life is gone, and all you do is cum?

“So what's your plan?”

“Waiting for a call.”

“And in the meantime?”

“I think I'm going to call Aaron.”

“Your ex?”

“The one that plowed you at the tubs?”

“Yes, that one, and as always, Jesse, elegantly put.”

“Do you think it's a good idea?”

“I don't think it's a bad idea, at least. I have to do something. I'll go crazy just sitting around here, waiting, but I have no clues to go on to find Steven.”

“Well, if you just want to keep busy,” Jesse began, rubbing my butt.

“Stop it!” We all laughed, then got dressed.

The twins headed off to work, Jesse the studly personal trainer and Colton the sexy server and I sent Aaron a text:
hi it's Alex

While I was waiting for a reply, I called Dinah at work. “Is he back?” she asked immediately.

“No, and I didn't hear anything all night last night.”

“Well, what's up then?”

“I didn't tell you something yesterday at lunch. The guy I had sex with at White Night . . . it was Aaron.”

“
Aaron
Aaron? Your ex, Aaron?”

“Yes. It just happened. He's up for work.”

“How long has it been since you've seen each other?”

“Since I left. I hadn't even talked to him in over a year. He de-friended me on Facebook and everything.”

“What does this mean?”

“Nothing. He wants to get together while he's in town, though.”

“More sex?”

“Just dinner I think.” My call waiting buzzed in. It was unknown! “Be right back!” I switched lines. “Hello?” It was staticky. “Hello? Steven?”

“. . . hearts . . . tomorrow . . .”

“What? I can't hear you! The connection is bad.”

“. . . be there . . .”

The line went dead and, swearing, I switched back to Dinah.

“Who was it?”

“It was him!”

“Aaron?”

“No! The guy who has Steven. But the connection was bad. All I could hear was ‘hearts' and ‘tomorrow.'”

“What does it mean?”

“I don't know!” My phone vibrated again. It was a text from Aaron:
lunch?

“Is that him?” Dinah asked.

“No, it's Aaron. He wants to do lunch. Should I?”

“Do you want to?”

“Well, I need to eat.”

“Tell me how it goes? I need to get back to work.”

“Bye, Dinah.”

“And Alex . . . just be sure you know what you're doing.”

“Thanks for the advice.” I hung up, and texted Aaron back:
well, I do need to eat.

I
t was just lunch. I don't know why I was so nervous, and I don't know why I went to it in a jacket and tie. It was important for me to look good, to look happy, to look like I wasn't freaking out about the mess my life was in. My boyfriend was missing, being held hostage by a twisted little psycho, and I was cheating with what seemed to be a disturbing regularity.

Before I left the apartment, I grabbed the ring off the counter. It sat there in its velvet box, simple, gleaming, engraved.
My love, my life
. He was. He really was. This wasn't like with Aaron. I wasn't bored. Things were out of my control, and the things that were in my control, well, he was gone, and I was terrified. And the physical contact made me forget. It wasn't cheating. It was surviving. But it was Steven I loved, and in my heart, I was being true. I stuck the ring in my jacket pocket. Keeping it on me would remind me of that.

I changed the tire, trying not to get all worked up again. I got really nervous as I drove to the restaurant. Like sweaty palms nervous. Before White Night, the last time we'd seen each other had been the morning I moved out.

 

I had the last box of my stuff in my hands, and looked around the bedroom where we'd spent the last six years. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I was really leaving him, leaving my whole life. I was excited and terrified. The closet looked so weird, half empty. Putting the box down on the counter, I pulled his clothes across the rod. They were spread out, so the emptiness didn't look so noticeable.

It was the least I could do.

I picked up the box and turned off the bedroom light with my elbow. I walked down the hall. Aaron was on the couch, staring at the TV.

“I'm done,” I said.

“I see.”

“I'm just going to take this down then I'll come up for Griffin.”

He stood up. “No, I'll take him down. Then you can just be gone.” His voice was cold, but I could tell it was just because he was upset. I was upset too, but I knew it was the right thing. This whatever it was we had, it wasn't working anymore. That's exactly how I'd told him it was over.

“You don't have to.”

“I want to.” He scooped up Griffin and tucked him into the pet carrier. “You're sure?”

“Don't start, Aaron. I've thought about it enough already. It's done.”

“Things weren't bad, you know.”

I felt the frustration welling up. I couldn't go through this again. “Aaron . . .”

“Okay, never mind. Let's go.”

We took the elevator in silence, and he walked me down to my car. I set the box in the back as he rested Griffin on the passenger seat. We stood there with the doors shut.

“Well, I guess that's that then.”

He grabbed my arm. “Don't go, Alex.” His lips were on mine, and I let myself savor their feel, their taste. It was one last time. It was a good-bye. I pulled away. His eyes were closed. “You still didn't feel anything?”

“I'm going, Aaron.”

“Fine! Run away. Go hide in the city. You're giving up on happiness, you know. Our happiness.”

I sighed and went over to the driver's side.

“Who are you, Alex? Who are you?”

I got in and drove away, and watched Aaron disappear in the rearview mirror. Griffin meowed on the seat beside me. Maybe I didn't know who I was but it was never too late to find out.

Outside the restaurant, I closed my eyes and caught my breath. What was I doing? Steven was missing and I was going for lunch with my ex?

“No,” I said, “this is stupid.” I started up the car and was just checking my blind spot when there was a knock on the car window. It was Aaron.

I turned the car off. There was no backing out now.