Working Out the Kinks (Chain) (20 page)

I’m shaken. The sudden realization I’m not sexually exciting to my husband anymore and probably never will be again knocks me off my rails. I feel ill and wrap my arms around my waist and duck my head between my knees. I breathe deep and swallow repeatedly trying to allay the bile creeping up my esophagus. The repeated gulps also push the hurt away, staying the tears, leaving me whole enough to wonder how–when–this happened.

In the beginning, when we were newly married, the passion between us burned at the speed of light, carrying us headlong into the deliciously forbidden.

From the first, Levi owned me. The raw masculinity and power he possessed weakened my knees to the point I wanted to bow before him. He was larger than life, and he took my breath away.

There was an intrinsic element of deviance that defined the moments he chose to sate our sexual needs. To him, it didn’t matter where we were or what we were supposed to be doing instead. I think those scandalous acts of passion were the reason I fell so madly in love with him in the first place.

God, just thinking back on them makes me catch my breath.

My gaze shifts from my mind’s eye back to the mirror. I find myself smiling ear to ear.

He was fun.

We were fun.

Levi perfected the art of ambush early in our marriage. I’d be washing dishes or folding clothes and he would stalk me. He was good at it, and I rarely caught him before he descended upon me from behind. He’d pounce with a raging hard-on, reaching around to cup my mound and press me more firmly against him. It usually took less than a minute for him to rip my clothes off and sink inside me. It was so damn hot.

I sigh, sadly surveying the woman with the wistful smile looking back at me before turning away from the mirror.

It’s quiet on the other side of the door. He’s probably fallen asleep. I turn off the room’s overhead light and feel comforted by the familiar yellow glow of the night light.

How can he be so oblivious to the fact I’m sitting in this locked room devastated because I’m no longer able to get him off? That this slightly used body can’t excite him to orgasm anymore? I’m left reeling at the confirmation of my faded youth and angry at him for being so insensitive that he doesn’t even realize how affected I am.

But I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to cry, so I stay locked in here, hiding. I lie down on the fluffy, round rug in the middle of the floor in the dressing area to gain the thin cushion of it under my back as I stare up at the ceiling. I slide my hands between the hard tile floor and my head.

I smile again as I close my eyes and comfort myself by shuffling through my memories. God, it used to be so good between us, spontaneous, almost primitive. How did we end up here with everything so changed I barely recognize us anymore?

I’ve never even been tempted by morning fucking, probably because I have way too many concerns about what my breath smells like and if I’m “fresh” enough downstairs to even want to use the equipment.

And at night, well, with twins in the bedroom next door, it’s a near heroic feat to even think about sex, let alone actually manage to get any.

We’ve always primarily been during-the-day fuckers. Since we turned into grown-ups with a family, it’s been pretty hard to get any during-the-day fucking in. On the rare occasions when we get a window of time, it’s a race. For as long as I can remember, fucking in our house is an extremely quiet race to our orgasms. When it’s over, it’s followed by a mad rush to put our clothes back on and pretend in front of our children that nothing happened.

After doing this for over a decade, sex has become more trouble than it’s worth, I guess. I can’t lay a finger on any exact day or moment when our marriage turned into something worn and comfortable, but the process more than likely started with the birth of the twins, Ella and Luna.

For me, their birth marks the threshold that took a deliriously happy, newly married me to a violent end, to a cessation of everything. My career, my marriage, who I’d always been as a person. It was like falling down while water-skiing, bone-jarring and suffocating. Despite the sheer joy of my new baby girls, their birth created the tiniest gap in what has subsequently grown into a rift between Levi and me.

After that, the inevitable cascade of thousands of days, filled to the brim with the mundane matters of life, followed. Mostly, paying the mortgage and taking care of my girls have monopolized the years of our marriage. Every day is so similar to the last. It all blurs together now.

Here I am fifteen years into this life I’ve built, lying on my bathroom floor, hiding and wondering what happened to this love of a lifetime I’d been blessed enough to find.

I try to force myself to accept those days of my life were good ones, but they’re over now. I’m thirty-something, and I assure myself this is the normal progression of things, but it doesn’t help.

I feel sad, needy and want my husband back. Not only the companion, but the man. Levi is the best lover I’ve ever had. He puts in the time and effort to make sure I come. But even that, over the years, has become rote. He’ll eat me to orgasm and then fuck me for the five minutes or so it takes him to come. It’s pretty much the same way every time.

Before tonight, it had been weeks since Levi and I had sex. I have no doubt it’s the longest we’ve ever gone without some kind of sexual gratification between us. Even right after the twins were born, we still got each other off.

I shake my head, feeling the hard weight of it rolling over my laced fingers. Even when we’re intimate, we’re not. Not anymore. I feel lonely and disconnected from him more than usual. We’ve grown apart, and the expanse between us widens a little more every day. The sense of deep intimacy that once sustained us has been squandered, unappreciated until now there’s little, if any, left.

This thought brings about the niggling worry that’s been growing exponentially since I locked myself in here. Is he seeing another woman? Does he have someone more beautiful to put his dick into? It’s either that or he’s jerking off. I know all men jerk off, but it shouldn’t be their go-to move, right?

I deflate. He’d rather jerk off on the sly, like a perv at a peepshow, than fuck me. I swallow down the tight knot forming in my throat. It’s like fucking me is a chore.

The thought cuts deep and makes the insecurities within me flourish. I don’t like the feeling. I’ve had it before once or twice. It hangs on to my subconscious, throwing darts of doubt and fear at unwanted times.

I have gotten a little mommyish. It beats the hell out of me how and when it happened, but I’m going to have to take steps to correct it. I’m part of the problem too.

My thoughts wander to the items in my wardrobe I’m going to toss in an effort to fight the bore I’ve become. Eventually my thoughts drift as sleep envelopes me.

* * * *

I make a beeline through the snowy parking lot of my office building to my car, my black leather pumps sloshing through the wet snow. When I slam the driver’s door closed, the cold, silent twilight inside the car feels bleak and increases my anxiety. I make my way home on autopilot. As I drive, the sky darkens, turning to night, and the colors from the lighted signs identifying the fast food restaurants and stores in the middle of town reflect off the wet streets.

Tears fill my eyelids to the brim. I’ve wallowed in the events of last night all day. As a result, I’m walking an emotional high wire, just a breeze away from losing it. I tell myself I’m lucky. My life is perfect. Everybody is happy and healthy. Why can’t I be satisfied with that? No matter how many times I convince myself I’m not going to say or do anything to let him know how upset I am, I know this is not going to end well.

“God, please, please don’t let me find out he’s seeing someone else,” I whisper into the emptiness. I’m terrified because there’s no possible positive outcome for the discussion I want to have. It’s all bad, but to what degree? Is it I-don’t-find-you-sexy-anymore bad? Or is it I’ve-had-a-mistress-for-the last-five-years bad?

The thought of living the rest of my life without Levi by my side is debilitating. And that’s exactly what I would be forced to do if he has someone else. I make a quick right turn onto a side street and pull over. I cover my face with my hands and the tears finally burst out of me. Shit. I’m in a sinkhole. Feelings of rejection and self-doubt have sucked me in all day, submerging me slowly, until this issue is the only topic in my head.

When I finally finish with the pathetic blubbering, I wipe my tears and straighten myself so I can walk in the door and be Mom. As I pull myself together, a whisper of a feeling tingles down the back of my neck. I shudder. The immediate knowledge I’m at a crossroads right here, right now, assaults me like a slap to the face. It doesn’t matter what the details are, what answers he gives me to my questions, because my first instinct is to fight. No matter what is happening between us, I’m going to fight for my marriage. I’m not willing to settle for what’s left after the business of building a career, settling into a home and raising kids has pillaged it. If he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ll accept it. But if it’s anything else, I’m going to fight for us. I’m ready to start living again. It’s time for me and Levi to start living again. A quick swirl of determination breezes through me at the thought.

I can fix this…I think. Is it even possible to feel passionately in love and sexually exhilarated by someone I’ve been sleeping with for over fifteen years? There’s no reason why the two of us can’t pick up where we left off so many years ago, right?

I know what I have to do. The deafening silence between us has to be obliterated.

I move through my evening, cooking and discussing school with my daughters as if my life isn’t teetering on the edge of the unknown.

Later, after the girls leave the dinner table and I’ve finished doing dishes, I gather up my courage to open up this potential Pandora’s box of a conversation. Suddenly, opening my mouth is tantamount to cracking open a Tupperware from my fridge. It’s chancy because once revealed for my inspection, I’m not sure I want to know what’s inside.

“We need to talk,” I say to Levi, looking over my shoulder, making sure Ella and Luna are off somewhere else in the house.

He looks up from his laptop. “About?”

His deep brown eyes have the beginnings of laugh lines at the outside corners. He’s still so handsome. The years have been good to him, too good, maybe. Mature men can still be so gorgeous. Mature women? Not so much.

I clear my throat. Now that I have his undivided attention, I falter on how to start. I’m afraid to ask the questions wreaking havoc in my mind. I’m still not sure I want to know the answers. He sits back in his chair and waits, looking at me with his patient consideration. But his expression changes to concern as the silence stretches. He knows the longer it takes me to talk, the more serious the topic.

“What’s going on, babe?”

I swallow hard and in a soft voice, ask, “Do you still love me, Levi?” Fear rips through me as the words tumble past my lips and then spikes when he doesn’t answer me immediately.

But then, his face softens. “Of course I do. Why would you ask me that?”

“Are you happy…with me, I mean…with our relationship?”

I feel ill.

“Yes, I’m happy. Aren’t you?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“I feel a but coming.” He smiles at me. I don’t smile back.

“I feel like I’m not sexy to you anymore.”

A flash of surprise registers on his face. Levi pushes his laptop aside and sighs. “Ahh. This is about last night.”

“Yes and no. I miss you.” I whisper the words. “I miss our connection. The spark of lust in your eyes when you look at me.” I take a deep breath, not wanting to blurt out the next sentence, but I know it has to be done. “I know I’ve gained some weight over the years. Are you not attracted to me anymore?” His eyebrows pop up and genuine dismay shapes his features. Again he takes a few seconds before he speaks.

“We’ve been married a long time, Mia. I think it’s pretty normal for things to get…” He trails off, obviously smart enough to not finish the sentence.

Hot tears of humiliation begin to drop freely now because I still have the one last unasked question. It is the one weighing most heavily on my mind. “I don’t feel it from you, and I can’t figure out why you rarely make love to me anymore. And now when you do, it’s not good for you. Are you seeing somebody else?”

I hold my breath. This, by far, is the worst moment of my married life. I honestly think I’m not going to get an answer I can live with.

“Oh God, Mia, no! I’m not seeing anybody else.” He pauses and looks away from me. “Jeez.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry things between us have been so bad you’re asking me that question.” He rubs a hand over his face. “This space that’s grown between us isn’t because I don’t love you or find you sexy. Mia.” He pushes his chair away from the table and pats his lap. “Come here.”