World Enough and Time (27 page)

So much for breathing. “Are you,” I paused. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. I’m completely serious.”

“Connor…” I couldn’t form the words, because there were no words to form. I couldn’t give him an answer I didn’t have.

He touched my face, stroking my cheekbone with his thumb. “It wouldn’t exactly be anything glamorous. I’m not a wealthy man, and the life of a grad student is nothing if not an exercise in frugality. It would be five years of a lot of work and not a lot of money, but…” Pausing, he ran his fingers through my hair. “…I would love it if you came with me.”

Oh, sweet temptation, thy name is California
.

Blood pounded in my ears. My heart screamed yes, but my damned rational mind elbowed its way in and poured cold reality over me. This was all too familiar, an invitation to go down a road I’d walked before and vowed never to walk again.

But this was Connor, not Matt.

This was different.

Wasn’t it?

His thumb brushed the side of my face, bringing me out of my thoughts.

Swallowing hard, I said, “Do you need an answer right away?”

He shook his head. “No, no, of course not.” The pad of his thumb moved across my cheekbone. “It’s not a small decision, I wouldn’t rush you.”

You won’t, but our circumstances might
. “Thank you,” was all I could say.

He touched my face. “Hey.”

I looked at him and he kissed me gently.

“You okay?” he whispered.

Nodding slowly, I sighed. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

Our eyes met, and I was sure he saw right through me. There was no sense pretending nothing was on my mind, especially not when I knew it was on his mind as well.

I took a breath. “I guess we’re getting down to the wire now.”

He clasped his hand in mine. “We still have time.”

“Not a lot.”

“No, not a lot.” He was barely whispering. “But it’s what we have. And quite honestly, I’d rather have a little bit of time together than none at all.”

At that, I managed a smile. “Good point.”

He ran his thumb back and forth along the side of my hand. “I do wish we had more time, though.”

“I know,” I said. “But, it is what it is.”

“Not much we can do about it,” he said. “Still, that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No, it doesn’t.”
And it makes your offer so, so tempting
. “I guess the only thing we can do is just enjoy it. We’ll have plenty of time to feel bad about it and mourn it later, but I’d rather spend the time we have enjoying it.”

He smiled. “You’re absolutely right. So I think—” he rolled me onto my back and bent to kiss my neck. “—we should get back to that whole ‘enjoying it’ part.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

On my way to work on Tuesday morning, I called Mary.

“Hey, you,” she said. “How was your trip?”

“It was fun.” I couldn’t even try to inject enthusiasm into my voice.

“You sure about that?” she asked. “You sound upset.”

“It was fun, it really was. Time of my life, believe me. It’s just…” I let out of a breath.

“Just, what?”

“He—” I hesitated.

“Come on, Dani, out with it.”

Tapping my thumbs on the steering wheel, I took a breath and said, “He wants me to move to California with him.”

Mary released a cough of startled laughter. “Oh, isn’t that just déjà vu.”

“Exactly,” I said.

“So, are you going?”

“I haven’t given him an answer yet.”

She paused. “That wasn’t what I asked. Are you going to go with him?”

“I don’t know if I should.”

“I thought you didn’t like Seattle.”

“It’s growing on me,” I said. “But that’s beside the point. If I move anywhere, I want to go back to Cheyenne.”

“But what about Connor?”

I sighed. “Mary, I can’t do that again.”

“This isn’t the same thing. You’d be moving with Connor, not that asshole you used to call a boyfriend. Two different men, two—”

“Two very similar scenarios.”

“I know, I know, on paper, they look the same,” she said. “But from everything you’ve said about Connor, he’s nothing like Matt.”

“I didn’t think Matt was like Matt until I got out here.”

“Dan,” she said. “There comes a point where you need to stop comparing Connor to Matt. I mean, yeah, there’s some similarities between how things have played out with them, but how many similarities are there between
them
?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, all the crap Matt used to pull on you,” she said. “How much of that has Connor pulled?”

“Well, none, but—”

“Because Connor
isn’t
Matt, sweetie,” she said. “You might be focusing too hard on the big picture, and you’re forgetting the small picture. Don’t use Matt to measure Connor, use Connor to measure Connor.”

“Even still,” I said, tapping my thumbs on the wheel. “I can’t just pick up my life and move again. I mean, what about Jester and Calypso?”

“And you would choose them over a man?”

“Mary, they’re like my kids.” I sighed. “I can’t sell them.”

“But how much are you willing to give up to keep them?”

“I’m staying in Seattle, aren’t I?”

“Let me ask you this, then,” she said. “If Matt didn’t exist, and you’d gone to Seattle for some other reason, and you had the money to move the horses, would you go with Connor?”

I blew out a breath. “I don’t know. I just don’t.”

“He sounds like a great guy,” she said. “I mean, from what you’ve told me, I’m willing to forgive Matt for dragging you all the way out there simply because it led you to Connor.”

Chewing my lip, I didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t let Matt fuck up this relationship, Dan,” she said. “And don’t hide behind Jester and Calypso if what you really want is to be with him.”

“But even if I do want to go, what do I do with them?”

“Well,” she said, her voice gentle. “You may have to make some hard decisions. I know they mean a lot to you, sweetie, but you’ve put your life on hold for them as much as you did for Matt. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to put yourself first.”

“I am putting myself first,” I said. “By not giving up my horses and not following him to San Francisco.”

“Even though what you want is to do just that?”

“So you’re a mind reader now?”

“Dan, I know you,” she said. “And I know that if you were doing this because of the horses, or because you didn’t want a repeat of Matt, you would have already told him no.”

I said nothing.

Her voice softer, she said, “Just give it some thought. Don’t do something impulsive, even if that something is doing nothing.”

“I won’t.” I pulled up next to the barn and shifted into park. “I’m at work, so I should let you go.”

“Okay, take care,” she said. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

After I hung up, I turned off the engine and went into the barn. Just my luck, Susan was coming out of the tack room as I was going in.

“Hey,” she said. “How was your trip?”

“It was fun.” I smiled, and as soon as I did, I knew she saw right through me.

Furrowing her brow, she folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the doorway. “I’m assuming there’s a ‘but’?”

“Yeah, there is.”

“Okay,” she said. “So, what happened?”

“He asked me to go to San Francisco with him,” I said. “As in, permanently.”

She blinked. “Are you serious?”

I nodded.

“Are you going?”

“I, well—I haven’t given him an answer, but…” I trailed off, trying to force my conversation with my sister to the back of my mind. Running a hand through my hair, I said, “I don’t think I should.”

“You—what?” She shook her head. “Dani, are—”

“I’ve only known him for a few months, Suze,” I said. “Never mind the fact that I can’t afford to move Jester and Calypso, I can’t just pick up my life to follow someone I barely know.”
Someone I barely know. As if Connor qualifies
.

“But, you’re happy with him, aren’t you?”

“For the moment, yes.”

She shifted her weight, eyeing me. “Need I remind you of the fact that you’re miserable here?”

“I don’t mind it here,” I said with a shrug.

“Bullshit, you don’t.” She cocked her head. “You mean to tell me that if you could afford to move Calypso and Jester, you wouldn’t be on your way back to Cheyenne?”

“That doesn’t mean I hate it here.” I avoided her eyes. “Cheyenne is my hometown. If I could go back, I would.”

“So you’re not attached to this place.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m miserable.”

“Except you
are
miserable” she said. “Come on, Dani, up until the day you met Connor, you wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of Seattle.”

“I wanted to go back to Cheyenne.”

“Going back to Cheyenne and getting the hell out of Seattle are mutually inclusive, sweetheart,” she said with a grin. “Now, seriously. Ever since you hooked up with him, you haven’t said two words about Wyoming.”

I bit my lip. She had a point.

“And let’s face it,” she went on. “Even with my fabulous company, you hate this job.”

I laughed. “I like this job. I just hate our boss.”

“Right, well, there isn’t much you can do about him,” she said. “He comes with the territory. But you’d be perfectly happy working at another farm, wouldn’t you?”

Sighing, I nodded. “Yeah. I would.”

“Especially if that farm was in Northern California.”

I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “It’s just not that simple. I could go to work for another farm up here, trailer Jester and Calypso to that barn, and be done with it. Moving them to another state? I broke the bank moving them here in the first place.”

“Would you consider selling them?”

“Not a chance,” I said quickly, almost snapping at her. “I know you don’t get as attached to them as I do, but no. No way. Not those two.”

“You’d give up a man like Connor for your horses?”

“I’m not willing to gamble with them,” I said. “I’m not willing to sell them and hope to God things work out with Connor. What if they don’t? Then I don’t have him or the horses.”

“Hon, I know him,” she said. “If any man on this planet is worth that risk, it’s Connor.”

“And what if things don’t pan out with him?” I paused, biting my lip. “He was with his ex longer than I was with mine. Now he’s over her and ready to move me to another state to be with him?”

Susan shrugged. “So he got over her.”

“Right. So what happens if he decides to leave me like he did her? And, Jesus, look how fast he got over her and moved on to me. I’ve seen how fast he can get over a woman after five years. Who’s to say he won’t turn around and do the same to me before the ink is dry on my address change form?”

Susan swallowed, then nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess I can understand that. But I don’t think he’d do that to you.”

“Did you think he’d do it to Olivia? You thought she left him, remember?”

She nodded again. “I know. And it did catch me by surprise.” She was quiet for a long moment. Then she shook her head and sighed. “Maybe you’re right. I’ve never thought of him as having a revolving door, but…” She let out a breath. “I don’t know what to tell you, Dani, I’m just sorry things are working out this way.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek and avoided her eyes. “So am I.”

Chapter Thirty-Three

Walking into Connor’s apartment, I tried to ignore the cardboard boxes in the corner. There were a few last time I was here, before he left for California. A few more now. There would be more tomorrow.

He wasn’t moving for a few weeks yet, and I wished that just this once, he’d put something off until the last minute. Never a procrastinator, he was well ahead of the game. Every time I came through this door, the boxes were piled a little higher, filling with pieces of his world in preparation for leaving mine.

“Drink?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder on the way into the kitchen.

“Whatever you’re having,” I said quietly.

He pulled a pair of beer bottles out of the refrigerator, popped them open, and handed one to me. I took a long drink and didn’t taste a thing. I was vaguely aware of cold liquid on my tongue, but with the exception of the faint scent of cardboard, I was numb to both taste and smell.

“You okay?” he asked.

I rolled another sip of beer around in my mouth, searching for the taste. It may as well have been brewed from corrugated cardboard.

“Dani?”

I sighed. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He inclined his head, lifting his eyebrows inquisitively. “You sure?”

I nodded. Without even realizing what I was doing, I shifted my eyes toward the stack of boxes and packing material in the corner. His beer bottle made a hollow sound when he set it on the counter. Shoes tapped on the linoleum, and I closed my eyes when he came closer. I knew his touch was coming, knew he was close by, but tears still threatened when his hand landed gently on my hip.

With two fingers, he lifted my chin, and I opened my eyes, blinking away the tears.

“This is about my leaving, isn’t it?” he whispered.

As much as I could with his hand still under my chin, I nodded.

He took a deep breath and subtly squared his shoulders, like a man bracing for fist to the chest. In a soft voice, he said, “Have you given any thought to coming with me?”

It was my turn to take a deep breath. I dropped my gaze. “Connor, I can’t.”

He said nothing. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to say more or if there was nothing else to say, but I needed to fill the silence.

“I’m sorry. I…” So much for filling the silence.

“Would I be wasting my time if I tried to talk you into it?” There was just enough of a lilt in his voice to suggest he was trying to add some nervous humor.

I met his eyes, managing a half-hearted smile. “It’s not that I don’t want to, there’s just…”
Oh hell, might as well be honest
. “You know why I came to Seattle in the first place, right?”