Wreck Me (26 page)

“I have to go.” I hang up before she can respond. My eyes stare off into space while I try to focus on breathing. He killed my parents. The man I am in love with killed my parents. He took Maman and Papa from me. My entire fucking life has been hell because of him. I hate him. I hate him almost as much as I love him and being split like this is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Do something. Anything. I snap out of my trance and look down at Hemingway. I scoop him up and jog upstairs to the bedroom. I set him on the bed and hurry into the closet. I grab a box and begin packing. I can’t stay here. I can’t be with him. The moment I think of it my heart breaks into a million pieces in my chest. I bend down and gather a heap of my clothes into my arms and throw them back into the moving box they came from. I toss things in haphazardly then head to the bathroom to do the same thing there. I gather up all of Hemingway’s shit and pack it in a hurry. One by one I carry the boxes down to the big gray sedan I inherited from Captain. I can’t believe I’m leaving. I don’t want to leave. But, I have to leave. He killed my parents for God’s sake. He knew who the fuck I was! He had to have known. The thought of him knowing and keeping it hidden has my blood boiling. I do one more pass through the penthouse to see if I missed anything important. I search for my mother’s watch but it’s nowhere to be found. Dammit! I load my puppy into his carrier and leave.

I arrive at Sutton’s house and hesitate as I turn the lock and walk in. There’s still plastic wrappers on the floor from the sterilized medical supplies that the paramedics used on him. I set Hemingway’s carrier down and collapse in a heap on the floor. I sob and sob. For the loss of my parents. For losing Sutton. For falling in love with a man who my absolute missing half and for forfeiting him to circumstance. I pound my fist hard on the floor sending sharp pain radiating through my arm.

I have to go see him. I have to try to explain why I can’t be with him anymore and I need answers. I need to know if everything was a big lie. If what we have is a lie.

“Please, not Damon. Not him,” I cry out to no one. Tears course down my heated face. My eyes swell and burn, but it’s nothing compared to the utter torture that I am feeling inside. I have betrayed the memory of my parents by falling in love with the person who caused their death. I could never forgive myself. I ache for Damon too. When he discovers what I know and that I’ve left he is going to lose it. I don’t want to hurt him like his mother hurt him. I love him too much to ever cause him pain.

“Dammit!”

I pull into parking and step out. When I enter the high rise I look to Howard and hear him talking on the phone at his desk.

“She just walked in now, boss.” I don’t even acknowledge him as I walk right past to the elevators. I rub my miserable eyes and take a deep breath. The doors ding and slide open.

“Here we go,” I mumble to myself as I step out into the main foyer. I punch in the code and open the door. I walk into the room on unsteady legs. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. I can feel my lip quivering and I don’t bother trying to hide my emotion. I let it flow uninhibited by my normal self control.

“You knew.” Damon’s gaze snaps to me and without saying a word I know that I’m right. The sorrow and regret I see in his eyes crashes down on me like the heaviest of burdens.

“No. No.” I’m shaking my head begging for words of denial from him, but he says nothing. He stands and starts towards me, but I reflexively begin backing away as he advances.

“No. Not you, Damon.” My voice cracks through my quiet sobs.

“Josephine. Baby, listen to me.”

“NO! Don’t you fucking call me that!” He stops in his tracks and runs his hands through his dark mussed up hair. Part of me wants to wrap my arms around the man that I love so completely, but the wounded part of me wants nothing more than to make him hurt like I have hurt for sixteen long, miserable years. We stare at each other for a moment. What the fuck am I suppose to do with this? I fell in love with the man who killed my family. He let me fall for him. He knew who the hell I was and he never said a word. He swept me off my feet. He made me want him. Then he made me need him and now I can’t imagine my life without him. I love him more than my next breath. I need him more than my next breath.

“Jo. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you. Dammit, you have to believe me, baby.”

“How long? How long have you known?” My voice is a small whisper but menacing at the same time. Damon’s amber eyes are no longer warm and inviting. They look tormented and empty as they shift all about. His chest deflates and I am torn between gathering him into my arms and attacking him.

“When you gave me your e-mail address at the coffee shop. I thought I recognized the name. I checked to be sure. Then the watch. I remembered seeing it on your mom’s wrist when I checked her pulse. I found the scar on your leg and confirmed it. I knew it was you.”

That’s why he was all weird about my scar? He knew it was from the accident. He verified my identity while we were intimate for the first time? “You son of a bitch. You saw the scar and the watch that proved who I am and you still fucked me? Or maybe that’s why you fucked me. In reality it’s probably the only reason I’m here right now. Right? Trying to make it right? Trying to shower me with your money and your gifts so that you can call it even? So that causing the death of my parents won’t feel as shitty? I’m a fucking charity case. That’s what this is. You don’t love me, you are trying to settle the score. You have no fucking shame and I can’t stand the sight of you.” I knew my words had to hurt him because they tore through me as I said them. I don’t want to believe a single word. I don’t believe that he doesn’t love me. I can’t. But, my judgment is distorted. This is so fucked up. It’s more awful than my worse night mare.

“Please let us try to figure this out. You’re my everything. You’re my world. I need you.” He starts moving toward me again and I put my hand out halting him in his tracks.

“Yeah, well I don’t need or want you. I hate you, Damon.” I lied. God, how I lied. I need and want him more than I can express. Words fail me in the worst way when I try to think of ways to describe how much I love him.

I turn in place and will my numb body to carry me away from this place as fast as it can allow. By some miracle I find myself speed-walking back to the door. I know Damon is hot on my trail. I can feel him near me like I always do. His fingers clasp the crook of my elbow and spin me to face him. I wrench myself from his grip.

“Don’t touch me!” I clip out on a growl. Damon’s face is one of complete despair and I ache more at the sight of it. I can’t believe God would be so unfair. Why in the world would I be put through this? It isn’t fair. I have lost everything. I love a man that I can’t possibly allow myself to have. He is the reason my life has been so awful. He knew the truth and hid it from me. He sinks to his knees in front of me and my heart clenches in my chest so hard that I think I may be having a heart attack. His head is hanging down. He stares at the ground. I stand there wishing that I could change everything. I wish I could be his and he mine. But it just isn’t possible. I hate life for doing this to me.

“Please. Let me explain.” He mumbles and I can see tears dropping from his eyes onto the tiled floor. He can’t even look at me. My lip quivers and I’m dying a thousand deaths watching the scene of my strong man kneel in defeat.

“I can’t.” I force out the words and hate that I even said them. But what other option do I have? Anything I feel for him pales in comparison to the grief that I will always feel for the loss of my parents and the years of hell that my loss precipitated. I turn to leave and I know I am killing both of us, but I can’t look at the man who took my parents from me at only nine years old. I slam his front door with such force even I startle. Even through the heavy door and walls I can hear Damon coming undone at the seams. I ignore the animalistic yelling and crashing noises and all but run to Sutton’s car. Dammit! I don’t want to leave him like that. The idea of him hurting sends my heart into a fit. I have no choice. I have to get out of here and sort my head out before I do anything else.

My phone rang off the hook until I turned it off completely. He pounded on my door until that snobby neighbor called the damned police to have him removed. I haven’t checked my email. I haven’t gone anywhere. I haven’t done…anything. Nothing. I have been lucky to even exist right here on Sutton’s old sofa. Four days. That’s how long it’s been since I last saw Damon. Four days since my entire world fell apart. I wonder if this shit will ever feel any better. The way it feels now, I highly doubt it. A banging on the door gets Hemingway yipping in his tiny barking fashion and I groan like a dying animal. I feel like a dying animal.

“Goooo awaaaaaaaay!” The banging gets louder.

“Girl you better open this door!” GRAMS! Oh shit, Grams! She’ll have a heart attack in this heat. I roll off the couch and crawl on fours for a beat before finally righting myself and swinging the door open with such a rush that a hot gust of air travels in with it. Grams takes one look at me and nearly chokes from what I can see.

“You look like shit! I mean real shit! A big steaming pil-”

“I get it! Come in Grams.” She smiles politely and looks over her shoulder to a waiting car and holds up a shaky finger. She shuffles in with her walker. Tennis balls and all.

“I came to set you right young lady!” Set me right? What the fuck? I screw my face all up and she wrinkles her nose at me. I guess it’s not my best look.

“Me?”

“Yep! You!” She says sternly.

“As much as it pains me I have to set you straight.” It pains her? Awesome. I guess she doesn’t like me as much as I like her.

“I love you to pieces. I hope that once you hear what I have to say you’ll go find Damon and you two will kiss and makeup.”

“What do you mean go find him?” Where the hell is he? My heart speeds and I panic a bit. The thought of never seeing him again is one that has me frantic.

“I’ll get to that in a minute. One thing at a time.” I nod and do my best to appear calm and attentive.

“So, he had two letters delivered to me today. One was for me and one was for you. In my letter he said he knew you would come see me at some point and he wanted me to give it to you. But first and foremost you have to know that Damon wasn’t driving.”

“What?” I screech. She shakes her head from side to side.

“He was not driving. My drunk, lousy, no good son was. He made Damon tell the police that it was him who wrecked the car because he was a minor and mostly, he wasn’t drunk. He has always blamed himself because he couldn’t get Eddie to pullover and let him drive.” Oh no. I lean forward clutch my aching stomach. I feel like I may be ill. He didn’t do it. It’s not his fault.

“How could he think…How… It’s not his fault.” I cross the room and sit beside Grams. She puts my shaking hand in hers and lets me sob for a moment.

“I have to see him. I have to talk to him!” I begin looking around for car keys then she thrusts out an envelope to me.

“He isn’t answering and no one knows where he is. Open your letter maybe he has told you where he went.” I snatch the envelope from her hand and rip it open.